Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest 2017
*Results* of the 2017 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced. The XXXIVth Lyttoniad is a bad writing contest, named for Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton. Every year, thousands of writers-who-shouldn’t submit a first sentence, to a terrible novel. Chamblee54 wrote about BLFC in 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, and 2016. Part two of 2017 is forthcoming.
As a value added service to the BLFC community, every year chamblee54 compiles a list of noteworthy names from the contest. This distinction is purely nominal, and is not related to the quality, or lack thereof, of their entry. Nine names made the cut in 2017: Beth Armogida, Sierra Madre, California, Clark Snodgrass, Huntington Beach California, Jackie Fuchs, Los Angeles, California, Michael Leshnower, Encinitas, California, Myra Vanderpool Gormley, University Place, Washington, R. D. Fish, Jr., Versailles, Missouri, Richard Bos, Emmeloord, The Netherlands, Samantha Bates, Columbia, Tennessee, and Tyson Canale, Rochester, Minnesota.
Pictures for this feature are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”. These photographs were taken at the Krystal. What the BLFC is to english composition, Krystal is to nutrition. The onion anointed Krystalburger has been a staple of southern life for generations. White Castle rumors are yankee misinformation.
She was the most desired object in the room, not unlike the last deviled egg at an Easter Day potluck.— Christine Hamilton, Atlanta, Georgia
Detective Sam Steel stood at the crime scene staring puzzled at the chalk outline of Ms. Mulgrave’s body which was really just a stick figure with a dress, curly hair, boobs, and a smiley face because the police chalk guy had the day off. — Doug Self, Brunswick, Maine
As hard-boiled detective Max Baxter ate his soft-boiled egg, he thought about the gorgeous dame he’d found last night lying in a pool of her own blood—it being inconvenient to lie in a pool of someone else’s blood—and wondered how she liked her eggs.— Pam Tallman, Huntington Beach, California
Detective Robertson knew he had Joyce Winters dead to rights for the murder—at the crime scene he had found Winters’ fingerprints, shell casings matching the gun registered to her, and, most damning of all, a Starbucks cup with the name “Josie” scrawled on it.— Doug Purdy, Roseville, California
Nobody messed with Rocky “The Anvil’ Roselli, the toughest, badass mob enforcer that ever walked the mean streets of downtown LA, but for some time now he had been considering an alternative career in interior design, a secret kept well hidden from his felonious contemporaries; like a strawberry jam sandwich lying buried at the bottom of a sack of brussels sprouts.
Ted Downes, Cardiff, Wales
So many questions raced through the heiress’s mind: Who had killed the maid and which guests were lying to her and who the hell was going to clean up all this goddamned blood because it sure as hell wasn’t going to be her, she could tell you that much.— Samantha Bates, Columbia, Tennessee
The horizontal array of rectangular golden sunshafts that filtered through my shutters was interrupted by a statuesque silhouette appearing at my office door, her widow’s pillbox with netted veil only slightly obscuring her opalescent eyes, her alabaster décolletage accented by a sizeable amethyst pendant, and a silky floor-length ebony gown that revealed a muffin-top that clearly lacked of any kind of abdominal exercise regimen. — Peter S. Bjorkman, Rocklin, California
Replacing the Human Torch’s fireproof colostomy bag, teaching Iron Man how to use the TV remote, listening to Iceman complain that it’s too cold, searching in vain for the Invisible Woman after she’s wandered away yet again—life isn’t comical as a Marvel Universe hospice nurse.
Dan White, Clarendon Hills, Illinois
Vadblad the Bad had known for centuries that impaling his victims before draining their blood was extremely wasteful but somehow he could not stop himself reaching for his spear as he rose from his coffin; bad habits never die. — Ann Wood, Corrales, New Mexico
I looked up at her breathless “hello,” and knew I could never unsee her Bride of Frankenstein makeup, or the way she filled her clothes; which must have looked good form-fitting a younger, svelter her, but now resembled a sausage skin strained to its limits by a failure of the emergency stop on the filling machine; perhaps a developing grub, whose skin failed to molt, or a Michelin Woman, as imagined by Salvador Dali on acid. — Michael Newton, Vancouver, Washington
Meeting his fiancé’s parents for the first time, Damon felt no fear because she had accepted his marriage proposal, but he still hoped for the parents’ approval, so it felt good that Mr. Dracula shook hands with one hand while his other hand squeezed Damon’s neck and then Mrs. Dracula proceeded to place a gentle kiss on his neck that intensified so much that it probably left a hickey.
Randy Blanton, Murfreesboro, Tennessee
A sweaty Hector threw off his shirt, passion burning, skin glistening, his deodorant congealed to little chunks ensnared among the matted jungle of his armpits like so many crumbles of pungent blue cheese over a bed of sprouts, moistened with a dressing of perspiration, and lustily asked, “Are you as hungry as I am?” to the confused busboy. — Tyson Canale, Rochester, Minnesota
Like the smoke from a cheap corn cob pipe, the tragic events of the past week descended into Lloyd Mounser’s brain and stubbornly clung to his memory the way those little white styrofoam peanuts get stuck to your hands you when you’re opening a box of soft-white light bulbs that you got online with free shipping.— William Keegan, Pine Bush, New York
Killed By Police August 4, 2017
Killed By Police is a handy web page. It is a no frills list of people killed by law enforcement. Friday, August 8, 2017, was a busy day for the grim reaper. Eight people met their maker, with the assistance of a law enforcement officer. Pictures for this feature are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”.
Using the links provided by KBP, we can learn a few things. All eight were men. The race was not specified in six cases. The other two were white men. Four of the deaths resulted from domestic disturbance calls. In all eight cases, the officer appears to be justified in using deadly force. Links to these cases are available at KBP, and will be provided in this story. Readers are encouraged to look into these cases more closely, if they have the time and inclination. If anyone finds any information that contradicts this post, please leave a comment, with a link.
Warren County PA Resident Dead in Officer Involved Shooting “54 year old Joseph Miller of Clarendon was stopped by a Warren City Police officer near the Dairy Delite at Routes 6 & 59 in Mead Twp at about 7:30 pm. The man was pulled over after witnesses had called the police and reported a maroon Jeep driving erratically. The State Police report that while the officer was talking to the driver, he allegedly became agitated and started loading an AK-47 rifle. The officer backed off and issued verbal commands to Miller, who ignored the orders. The suspect then exited his vehicle with the rifle. The officer fired his weapon, striking and killing the suspect.”
Texas Rangers Investigating Officer Involved Shooting in Kress “The Texas Rangers are currently investigating a deputy involved shooting in the city of Kress. Around 8:30 last night, officials say an off-duty Swisher County Sheriff’s Office deputy was involved in an altercation at a home on the corner of Moore and 2nd street. Police say the officer did shoot a man later identified as 33-year-old Garrell Byrd. Paramedics were called, but Byrd died on route to the hospital. …Neighbors say the house where the shooting took place constantly has people going in and out, and this isn’t the first time they have seen police activity at this home.”
Deputies Shoot, Kill Man While Serving Eviction Notice in Bankers Hill CA “Deputies shot and killed a man who was armed with a fake gun, while they were serving an eviction notice Friday, … “As they knocked on the door, the occupant who was the target of the eviction told them that if they entered he would arm himself with a handgun,” San Diego Police Homicide Unit Lt. Mike Holden Holden said. Once the deputies entered the apartment’s living room, the man ran into his bedroom and returned with what appeared to be a semi-automatic handgun. As he pointed the weapon at them, both deputies fired several rounds at the suspect.”
Allen County OH Sheriff Office Press Conference on SWAT Shooting on Michigan Ave. “According to the Sheriff they had multiple complaints of drug trafficking at the house at 218 W. Michigan. The West Central Ohio Crime Task Force and Ohio BCI investigated and they were able to make undercover drug buys of Fentanyl from the home. The SWAT team served a search warrant yesterday and gunfire was exchanged between officers and a man in the home, who was shot and killed. … the home is owned by Keith Burkholder”. (Mr. Burkholder is listed by KBP as the victim.) “a large amount of drug contraband was recovered after the home was searched.”
“Lima Police Department officers responded to a shooting at that residence on Oct. 21 of last year and found Travis Burkholder suffering from multiple gunshot wounds. He was transported to St. Rita’s Medical Center with non-life threatening injuries.”
Lauderdale County MS deputy shoots, kills armed suspect “A Lauderdale County sheriff’s deputy shot and killed a man who refused to put down his weapon Friday afternoon in rural Lauderdale County. Lauderdale County Sheriff Billy Sollie said the sheriff’s department responded around 1 p.m. Friday to a disturbance call at a home on Fred Haguewood Road. Sollie said a suspect had threatened to harm the family and himself. Sollie said the first deputy encountered the suspect brandishing a handgun “on the porch” when he arrived at the home. The deputy then instructed the suspect to “drop the gun, drop the gun,” … the suspect was “raising the gun in a threatening manner,” which prompted the deputy to fire his weapon “to protect himself.” (The Meridian Star has a pay wall. “Welcome! Please enjoy a limited number of articles over the next 30 days. You have 4 pages remaining”)
Suspect Dead After Washoe County NV Deputy-Involved Shooting in Spanish Springs. This case may be the closest thing to a “bad police killing” on August 4. “Around 9:30 a.m. the Sheriff’s office received a call for a disabled vehicle stuck. A deputy was dispatched and arrived several minutes later. Once on the scene, the deputy was able to identify the person and called for another deputy to “provide cover for him.” Before the other deputy arrived, Sheriff Allen says that “some sort of struggle may have ensued and ultimately many minutes later several shots were fired from the deputy, striking the defendant. The suspect was struck several times and died on scene. ”
Man shot, killed by police near Surfside Beach SC identified “A call for a possible suicidal individual in the Deerfield Plantation area near Surfside Beach early Friday morning ended with an officer shooting the suspect after the person brandished a weapon at law enforcement, according to Myrtle Beach Police Lt. Joey Crosby. … Chief Deputy Coroner Tamara Willard identified the victim as 33-year-old Aaron Payne. Crosby said the call came in at 12 a.m. and officers with the Horry County Police Department responded to 1000 block of Turkey Ridge Road. Upon arriving, police found Payne acting in an “erratic manner,” eventually firing his weapon into the air. … Efforts were made to talk with Payne, who reportedly continued to display aggressive behavior. Crosby added Payne continued to act erratic and pointed the weapon at officers while making threats. An officer fired at Payne, striking him. He was taken to the hospital and later pronounced dead around 5 a.m.”
Armed Man Fatally Shot by Officer in Venice CA Residence “A man armed with a gun died after he was shot by police Friday after a dispute at a Venice residence. At around 8:30 p.m., Los Angeles Police Department Pacific Division officers were called to a home on the 800 block of Venice Boulevard, where a female resident told officer a man was inside, destroying property …. The man was armed, It wasn’t clear what he did to prompt officers to fire. … Carol Vorhees, a woman who said she was the female resident’s mother, said her daughter met the man online and they had been living together for two years. Vorhees identified the man as 53-year-old Todd Hurlbert.”
More Talk About Life After Death
Someone is always talking about life after death. Every once in a while, somebody listens. It seems to be a big deal to believe this talk. PG wrote a couple of posts on the subject. They are presented here today. Pictures,from The Library of Congress, are soldiers from the War Between the States.
In January of 2005, PG was at a memorial service. A lady who grew up near PG had passed away. The service, in a Methodist Church, was full of talk about life after death. This talk did not give PG comfort, and served to remind him of why he does not go to church. Some, of the family of the deceased, did find comfort in the talk about life after death.
PG was trolling the blogosphere, looking for good words to put between pictures. He was tired of a number of subjects. None of these subjects were going to go away, although others can be expected to tire of reading about them. Then he found a post in Making Chutney about the ultimate subject that will not go away…life after death.
Life after death is a better phrase than “eternal life” or, G-d forbid, “Salvation”. Jesus Worshipers are obsessed with life after death. It is mentioned at almost all gatherings of Jesus Worshipers. PG finds the whole matter annoying.
So anyway, the New York Times published an op ed piece, written by Charles Blow. It seems as though the “Pew Forum”…which may or may not comment on deodorants…published a survey. The bottom line of the study is that 70 percent of Americans said that they believed religions other than theirs could lead to eternal life. Gee, that’s big of them.
Who says that life after death is a proper matter for a religion to discuss? And even if it is, why do Jesus Worshipers talk about life after death ALL THE TIME? Also, does a belief in life after death justify the rudeness and shouting that Jesus Worship is known for?
Jesus Worship is the dominant religion in our culture. Many people see other religions through the priorities of Jesus Worship. It is a surprise to many to learn that not everyone is as concerned about life after death as they are. Many Jesus worshipers cannot comprehend that many people simply do not agree with the Jesus Worship plan for life after death.
The correct answer to the question “Where will you spend eternity?” is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. The use of cusswords is optional.
This post has been in the works for a long time. It is about life after death. This is a big deal to Jesus worshipers. It is fair to say that the entire religion has devolved into a scheme for life after death. Either you agree, and go to heaven, or disagree, and go to hell. PG has thought long and hard about this, and has a few thoughts.
One problem with this concept is human nature. When you have a religion based on broadcasting a message, some of the believers go overboard. Some will let their pride get in the way. They enjoy the power that seems to come with spreading this message. When a person hears this “good news,” shouted by people who are bad news, then it is natural to doubt the message.
A facebook friend supplied this quote “More people have been brought into the church by the kindness of real Christian love than by all the theological arguments in the world, and more people have been driven from the church by the hardness and ugliness of so-called Christianity than by all the doubts in the world. ” The $64 question becomes: Do people who have been repelled from Jesus, through exposure to his obnoxious believers, go to hell?
There is also the matter of people who simply do not agree with the scheme for life after death. Of all the standards to use, why would G-d use the doctrine of one branch, of one religion? Does G-d even exist? Are the billions of people who never even heard of Jesus destined for hell?
PG was raised in the Southern Baptist tradition. For various reasons, he resisted the pressure put on children to “make a profession of faith”, and be baptised. When he was 17, he quit going to church. In 1979, there was a week in a Moonie camp in California. There have been many books read, a bit of thinking and talking, and a few odd meetings attended. There were 7 years working closely with an abusive professional Jesus worshiper. After a while, PG got tired of worrying about it all, and just wanted to enjoy the time he has on this planet.
Which brings us to today’s post. In no particular order, here is the product.
1- G-d does not write books. The Bible was compiled by the Council of Nicea from a variety of texts. These texts were written in a multitude of languages, and copied by hand. It is possible that the scribes copying them made mistakes. It is possible that errors in translation were made. It is probable that texts were not included in the Bible, for various reasons. The Bible is the product of man’s labor, with possible inspiration by G-d.
The first commandment says Thou shalt have no other gods before me. When you call the Bible the word of G-d, you are, in effect, making a G-d out of a book. When you violate this common sense commandment, you are going to have problems.
2- The first commandment… Thou shalt have no other gods before me. .. does not make an exception for the so called son of G-d.
3- Jesus was killed because he was a trouble maker. His death, and reputed resurrection, have nothing to do with what happens when you die.
4- What happens to people after they die is none of your business. Living people should be concerned with life, and not worry about what will happen when you die.
5- You should have faith in G-d to take care of you when you die. Period. Don’t scream about Jesus. Don’t kill the infidel. Don’t worry about your soul. G-d took care of you before you were born, and she will take care of you after you die.
6- What you say does not become more true the louder you say it. The way you say something is more important than the words you say. It is more important to show kindness to your neighbor, than to scream the so called truth.
7- The decision to end a life is G-d’s job. You are better off when you let her make this call. This applies to war, abortion, captal punishment, and euthanasia, and other forms of humans ending life.
8- G-d should be enjoyed. G-d should bring nourishment to life. G-d should NOT be fought or argued over. The third commandment…Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain; for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. … is another common sense rule that is shamelessly violated by those who claim to be “saved”. When you forget this rule, you cause trouble.
9- When copying some commandments for use in this post, PG found this. 23 Ye shall not make with me gods of silver, neither shall ye make unto you gods of gold. PG has heard about the ten commandments all his life, and yet has never heard this line. It is just 6 verses after the tenth commandment, which is about coveting. The tenth commandment is obsolete in this era of wealthy churches, and so-called prosperity gospel.
The Worst Jokes Of Scotland
This repost is borrowed from Twenty Two Words, who borrowed it from someone else. The pictures are from The Library of Congress. Every year, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival has a contest for the best joke. The 2011 winner was Nick Helm, aka “The Human Car Crash of Light Entertainment”.
1. Nick Helm – “The banking program needed a password eight characters long. I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”
4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought … once you’ve hired the car”
5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”
8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”
9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”
10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin.”
PG did a bit of value added research, and found an article in The Telegraph about the joke contest. This article has the NINE WORST JOKES from the 2011 festival.
1. Tim Vine – “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
2. V. McTavish – “The Lockerbie bomber put Lockerbie on the map, well he nearly took it off it too.”
3. Josh Howie – I’ve got nothing against the Chinese. Don’t get me Wong.
4. Card Ninja – “I went to see this show and the guy said ‘Hey kid do you like magic?’ And I said ‘Yeah!’ So he asked if I wanted to see a trick and I said ‘Yeah!’ So he said ‘think of a number, times it by 2 and if it’s odd …’ Oh no, he’s a MATHmagician! “
5. Tom Webb – “Due to the economy, profiteroles will now be called deficiteroles.”
6. Nathan Caton – “Postcode wars? That sounds like a really shit BBC game show.”
7. Andrew Bird – “My wife’s eating for two. She’s not pregnant, just schizophrenic.”
8. Mark Olver – “I was like a dyslexic having my back teeth removed … losing my morals.”
9. Andrew O’Neill – “Singing a song for the colour blind today: “And I think to myself … why did I become a bomb disposal expert?”
James Baldwin And The Six Letter Word
In the spring of 1963, KQED filmed a show, “Take this hammer”, about James Baldwin. The snippet in the video above seems to have been the last three minutes of the show. Here is a transcript. Mr. Baldwin discusses a six letter insult. The n-word is more about the speaker, than the spoken of. A 2010 blogger had this to say.
What resonated with me about this particular video though, is the universal experience we’ve all had being referred to, thought of as, or called something we inherently are not. Not because of something we’ve done, mind you – but because of the way others “interpret” us. Those of us that “transgress” gender norms are often given titles and names that don’t fit who we are – but are more representative of the fears and desires of others. I’ve often felt that people’s projections of me are oftentimes just that – their projections. However, Baldwin’s ending sums up a solution to this perfectly: “But you still think, I gather, that the n****r is necessary. Well he’s unnecessary to me – he must be necessary to you. Well, I’m going to give your problem back to you…you’re the n****r, baby…not me.”
It is now 2017. (All discussions of race must mention the year.) The TV show was fifty four years ago. A few things have changed. To many white people, overt expressions of racism are seen as bad manners. The n-word is taboo in polite company. The overall attitudes may not have changed, but most white people are careful how they say things.
This is a repost. Pictures are from The Library of Congress. These men are Union soldiers, from the War Between the States.
A few weeks ago, this blog published a feature, James Baldwin And The Six Letter Word. At the center was selection of James Baldwin talking about the n word. There was a transcript available, which makes today’s exercise a lot easier.
Mr. Baldwin was discussing this nasty word, and offered an insight into who the user of this nasty word was really talking about. Now, there is another nasty word being casually tossed about these days. This other nasty word is racist. What would happen if you took Mr. Baldwin’s talk, and substituted racist for nasty? It is an interesting way to look at things. What follows is not a perfect fit, and may be offensive to some. A few times, it is very close to the truth.
Who is the racist? Well i know this…and anybody who has tried to live knows this. What you say about somebody else (you know) anybody else, reveals you. What I think of you as being is dictated by my own necessities, my own psychology, my own uhm fears…and desires. I’m not describing you when I talk about you…I’m describing me.
Now, here in this country we got somebody called a racist. It doesn’t in such terms, I beg you to remark, exist in any other country in the world. We have invented the racist. I didn’t invent him, white people invented him. I’ve always known, I had to know by the time I was seventeen years old, what you were describing was not me and what you were afraid of was not me. It had to be something else. You had invented it so it had to be something you were afraid of and you invested me with it.
Now if that’s so, no matter what you’ve done to me I can say to you this, and I mean it…I know you can’t do any more and I’ve got nothing to lose…and I know and I have always known you know and really always..…I have always known that I am not a racist…but if I am not the racist…and if it is true that your invention reveals you…then who is the racist?
I am not the victim here. I know one thing from another. I know that I was born, am gonna suffer and gonna die. And the only way that you can get through life is to know the worst things about it. I know that a person is more important than anything else. Anything else.
I’ve learned this because I’ve had to learn it. But you still think, I gather, that the racist is necessary. Well he’s not necessary to me, so he must be necessary to you. So I give you your problem back. You’re the racist baby, it isn’t me.
Audio Distraction
@AmadeusAlmighty “Deuteronomy 22:28-29 Leviticus 25:44-46 2 Kings 2:23-25 Genesis 7. Try reading the WHOLE bible before proselytizing about it.” Most arguments about the bible are boring. This one was distinguished by an alliterative twitter handle. PG found himself going down the rabbit hole, and looking up the four passages listed.
Genesis 7 is the story of Noah’s Ark. The thought of what that boat smelled like is enough to make a non-believer gasp for breath. The other three are typical of what might be called the perverted word of g-d, or PWOG. While they don’t have much uplifting value, they can be combined into a poem. A little editing, a few visits to rhyme zone, sacrifice a few brain cells, and, voila, you have a poem.
The poem will be set in 35 point comic sans. The innards will be 0-96-0 green, while the outer layer is 192-192-192 gray. The background pictures will be crowd shots from the Inman Park Festival, taken April 29, 2017. PG was beginning to think those pictures were useless. …
The Mozart of Mathematics is the first background audio distraction for this poem. It is the story of Paul Erdős. He was a Hungarian math genius, who wandered the world solving problems. After a visit to Notre Dame University, he noted the number of plus signs on the campus.
George HW Bush narrowly escaped comrades’ fate of being killed and eaten by Japanese captors. After the story of Paul Erdős, Futility Closet had another story. It seems that Mr. Bush was shot down in the Pacific, and rescued by Americans. Several others on his mission were captured.
“The next day a Japanese officer, Major Sueo Matoba, decided to include American flesh in a sake-fuelled feast he laid on for officers including the commander-in-chief on the island, Gen Yoshio Tachibana. Both men were later tried and executed for war crimes. A Japanese medical orderly who helped the surgeon prepare the ingredients said: “Dr Teraki cut open the chest and took out the liver. I removed a piece of flesh from the flyer’s thigh, weighing about six pounds and measuring four inches wide, about a foot long.
Another crewman, Floyd Hall, met a similar fate. Adml Kinizo Mori, the senior naval officer on Chichi Jima, told the court that Major Matoba brought “a delicacy” to a party at his quarters – a specially prepared dish of Floyd Hall’s liver. “I had it pierced with bamboo sticks and cooked with soy sauce.” They ate it in “very small pieces”, believing it “good medicine for the stomach.”…
David Remnick was the guest on WTF this week. It was a good chat. By turns it was funny, nostalgic, insightful, and full of terror for the America of Donald Trump. Impeachment will not be an easy fix. The Democrats have nobody to replace him. While many people knew about the crookedness, and cheapskate vulgarity, of DJT, the Democrats chose to scream racism. This just might have alienated the 70k voters in PAMIWI that tipped the electoral college. …
Here is the poem, Man Finds A Damsel. The first few words are a handy default title.
man finds a damsel that is a virgin, lie with her they be found upriver
man that lay with her excursion, give her father fifty shekels of silver
she shall be his wife he hath humble fat, thy bondmen thy bondmaids thy children
shall ye buy their families they begat, shall be your possession you gentlemen
ye shall take them as an inheritance, shall not rule over another with sword
mocked go up thou bald head arrogance, he cursed them in the name of the lord …
The Glenn Show was the next audio distraction. This is a Bloggingheads.tv show, featuring @JohnHMcWhorter and @GlennLoury. This show got bogged down in the ongoing debate about race and IQ testing … a subject that bores PG. It wasn’t until 49 minutes had passed before PG felt the need to make a selection. (BHTV has recently gone to a youtube viewer, and has a different method for making clips. The clips are, thankfully, no longer called dingle links.)
At 49:25, Dr. McWhorter said, referring to the election of DJT, “to an extent, it happened because people are tired of being called racist.” This is common sense to PG, and yet, almost nobody is saying this out loud. The Demoze/SJW attitude is one of self righteousness at screaming racist. To many, racism is a metaphysical evil, and when DJT was labelled racist, it was the moral duty of the electorate to vote for Hitlery. There was a twitter comment to this effect: @chamblee54 *racism shaming* is a terrible campaign tactic It is good to hear @JohnHMcWhorter (say) what i have thought.
Dr. Loury proceeded to state that throwing an elected president out, because we think he is an icky person, is a bad idea. The system was created to elect someone, and allow them to serve. Dr. McWhorter disagrees, and thinks that DJT is sooo icky that extraordinary measures are called for. Someone gave a performance of Godwin’s law. He said that the situation in Washington is not as bad as what the German Generals faced when they decided to off Hitler. Dr. Loury talked about the movie “Triumph of the Will,” and make the remarkable admission that he did not know that Leni Riefenstahl was a woman. One more tweet was required, this one including a colorized screen shot of the players. @chamblee54 @JohnHMcWhorter @GlennLoury this reminds me of outrage over jury decisions when justice is not a popularity contest here it is election. …
@HypertrophicLit Dear submitters, Please don’t address subs “Dear sir.” It’s not hard to find out that both our editors who read subs are women. Thank you. H ~ @chamblee54 A gender neutral replacement for sir and ma’am is needed.
When PG was writing this reply, he realized that he did not know how to spell ma’am, despite having said it thousands of times. Google contributes this: “Ma’am is another written form for Madam, which is used to politely or respectfully address a woman. This form of the word can be seen in classical literature including Charles Dickens’ books. Mam is a totally distorted and incorrect form for this word used especially within Indian subcontinent.”
What is the difference between calling someone “Mam” and “Ma’am”? There is a forum topic about the mam/ma’am debate. The bottom line seems to be that it is an informal expression, and that both spellings are correct. PG senses that ma’am looks more correct, and that this is the better written version of this oral expression. …
Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”.
What Percent Hoe Are You?
What percent hoe are you was a facebook *top story* one morning. When you click on the link, you are invited to sign in with your Zuckerworld account. PG, who identifies as a shovel, doesn’t want to feed the algorythym. The hoe quiz looked like fun, so a google excursion was made.
Report inappropriate predictions was an option. “Which predictions were inappropriate? what type of hoe are you quiz, are you a hoe quiz buzzfeed, what percent hoe are you playbuzz, what percentage hoe are you quiz. The predictions selected above are: Hateful, Sexually explicit, Violent, Dangerous and harmful activity, Other. Go to the Legal Help page to request content changes for legal reasons.”
Babe.net has the *top* result. “We live in a hoe-centric world. Everything is about hoe schemes, hoe tactics, hoe glow-ups. But are you truly one of us or merely a vanilla imposter looking to bust in on our fake tan-covered world?” There are a handful of questions, like choosing a spiritual leader from Beyoncé, Nicki Minaj, or Rhianna. “You’re Only 30% Hoe, Step Up Your Game … You’re just a Baby Hoe, but I love you anyway.”
Gotoquiz has twelve multiple choice questions. Some of them are kind of fuzzy. “9. have you had sex more than 5″ Is this more than 5”, 5 o’clock shadow, or 5 on a scale of 10. “89% biggest hoe – you are a huge hoe you sound like you give head for free. you are going to be a nasty skank that sits on a corner 24/7 you need to leave you legs close i can smell you through the computer”
Quibblo starts off “do you think that your a hoe is so take this test to find out.” They have 6 multiple choice questions, with no pictures. Again, the questions can be confusing: “4 do you prefer condoms or no condoms? yes, no, both.” Before you get the results, a popup ad appears. Donald Trump is listening to someone. “Comey, Russia, Health Care … What Trump Voters Think Now.”
Quizbone “This quiz will tell you if you are a hoe and how much. Now its not accurate but it is based on what your answers are so GOOD LUCKK.!” “17% you actually aren’t a hoe in a way you just are a looker not a toucher most likely you dress stylish …”
Buzzfeed is towards the bottom of the page. They change the tune a bit … “How Sexist Are You Actually? Find out your score and put it on your Tinder profile!” “You Got: 50% sexist!Yiiiikes OK! This is a thing you can work on – it’s not too late for you to become less of a sexist. Come join us in 2017, because the only good thing about the 1950s was the hair.”
Testony is the quiz mentioned on facebook. Onehallyu says “Please log in to reply” Proprofs asks multiple choice questions, but does not allow you to answer them. Allthetests is rock bottom on page one. “Purity tests -» Am I a slut?” It is not apparent where the questions are, so this post is over. Pictures today are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”.
The Biggest Shill in Georgia Part Two
This is an update to a chamblee54 feature, The Biggest Shill In Georgia. It is about politcal website inside baseball. Or maybe it is republican on republican snowflake abuse. If you don’t want to bother with the text, you can always skip ahead to the pictures. The pictures, from The Library of Congress. , are usually more entertaining than the text. Russell Lee took the pictures in October, 1938. “Crowd, listening to the Cajun band at National Rice Festival, Crowley, Louisiana.”
After the chamblee54 feature hit the innertubes, a comment/link/self promotion device was posted at the seminal post, The Biggest Shill in Georgia. Here are the comments that followed: ScottNAtlanta If it isnt Sen David Perdue…I’m not sure who is, but then again…he is in DC TheDeepDark Anyone want to explain this to our friend Chamblee54? Ellynn Not really. It took me under 2 mins. reading through facebook comments to figure it out. If i can do it… any one can.
Facebook can be frustrating to bloggers. You would prefer to have comments go to your blog. However, facebook is more convenient to some people. Unfortunately, if you are trying to follow the action, and look at the blog comments only, you might miss out on some of the buzz.
GeorgiaPol had a facebook comment thread about the post that started it all, Williams: “Casey Cagle Likes Nickelback!” Someone made a multi-paragraph comment. The commenter appears to be a supporter of Michael Williams, and criticized the GeorgiaPol coverage.
Chamblee54 agrees with GeorgiaPol on this. Michael Williams made a fool of himself. It is tough to take sides in this one. Casey Cagle is a career Gold Domer, who has trouble keeping his shoes tied. Michael Williams brags about being “the first Georgia elected official to endorse Donald Trump for President.” In a perfect world they would both lose. Given the republican bullpen, those two might be the best we have to choose from. It is not like the Democrats are going to help.
The commenter finished his message with a flourish. “In the meantime, I advise the owners of this website to consider changing its name to Georgiashill.com. Doing so would offer the public much more substance as to its real purposes.” Thirteen minutes later, there was a reply: GeorgiaPol.com “That was a great suggestion about the website… so we bought it… We think you might like it.”
This was amusing, but did not quite explain everything. It seems there was more than one facebook thread. The post was shared, on facebook and twitter, by @MikeHassinger “Who’s the biggest shill in Georgia? Find out with just one click.” Scott Jackson Redirects me to Mike Hassinger’s page, that isn’t very nice of GeorgiaPol I think. Thomas Wheatley It redirected me to my own page!
GeorgiaPol was just playing a little joke on the people who drop in. Compared to the way RedState deals with inconvenient comments, being directed to your facebook page by georgiashill.com is pretty mild. As for inside baseball, it is almost time for football.
The Revenge Of Samuel Clemens
Mark Twain left earth to take care of itself on April 21, 1910. Now that 100 years have passed, his uncensored autobiography is about to be published. As True Slant tells the tale, Reports of Mark Twain’s resurrection are greatly exaggerated.
Samuel Clemens is an icon of americana, his books a staple of high school english. The clever sayings of Mr. Twain are quoted to this day. On his death in 1910, President William H. Taft said “Mark Twain gave real intellectual enjoyment to millions, and his works will continue to give such pleasure to millions yet to come. He never wrote a line that a father could not read to a daughter.”
The White House predecessor of Mr. Taft was Teddy Roosevelt. Mr. Roosevelt became famous as a result of what Mr. Twain called “the iniquitous Cuban-Spanish War”. When the newly conquered Philippines did not greet the Americans as liberators, a brutal little war broke out. There were reports of massacres of women and children by American troops. This conflict led Mr. Twain to write The War Prayer, which would not be published until after he was dead. (Teddy Roosevelt became President after the murder of William McKinley. Some people speculate the Mark Twain was involved in the death of President McKinley. There used to be some youtube videos with more information, but they have been taken down. )
The truth is, Mark Twain was a rascal, with many sharp opinions about religion, big business, and war. As Henry L. Mencken wrote “Instead of being a mere entertainer of the mob, he was…a destructive satirist of the utmost pungency and relentlessness, and the most bitter critic of American platitude and delusion, whether social, political or religious, that ever lived.” His present day image of Colonel Sanders, played by Grandpa Walton, is far from the mark.
But then, Grandpa Walton is not what many think. He was played by Will Geer, whose birth name was William Aughe Ghere . Mr. Geer, a member of the Communist Party, organized a violent dock workers strike in San Francisco. The co organizer of that strike was Mr. Geer’s boyfriend, Harry Hay.
Getting back to Mark Twain, it seems like some people don’t like to have their heroes tarnished by reality. True Slant wrote a feature that is the basis of this post. (The text part anyway. The pictures are from The Library of Congress . HT to dangerous minds. ) It seems like when the True Slant author, Mark Dery, posted a link to his article on Facebook, Chaos ensued.
Weekend Update: Apparently, some Bronze-Age bible troll reported my Facebook link to this essay as “abusive,” presumably because Twain was an atheist and Huckleberry Finn, one of the most banned books in a nation that stinks to heaven of god-bothering, is the devil’s handiwork. Now, due to Facebook’s guilty-until-proven-innocent logic—a rule of thumb that wins the Idi Amin Dada Award for enlightened online governance—I’m unable to repost. Anything. Whether you like Twain or my work or not, I hope you’ll consider reposting a link to this page on your Facebook page as a way of saying you support free speech. If that sounds like product placement, mea culpa maxima.) YET ANOTHER UPDATE: Facebook appears to have repealed its ban on my links, at least for the moment, restoring the link to this article. Heartfelt thanks to all who stood with me in free-speech solidarity by reposting a link to this essay on their FB pages. Twain would be proud of you!
In the sandbox epic Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance , a philosophical ramble detours on the concept of mythos over logos. The concept is that people, when presented with information that disproves there illusion, will continue to believe in the illusion. This would seem to be the case here. The inspiring story of Mark Twain is threatened by the reality of the writers last work. (Actually, this autobiography was dictated to a stenographer, rather than written.) People would rather feel warm and fuzzy about a myth, than read the truths of the mythmaker.
This is a repost. A few things have happened since 2010. Autobiography of Mark Twain has seen three volumes released. 13% of the Volume One comments on Amazon are one star. True/Slant has been purchased by Forbes, and links for this article no longer work. A new edition of Huckleberry Finn has been issued, with America’s favorite dirty word deleted.
Which Carl Jung Archetype Best Describes You?
Which Carl Jung Archetype Best Describes You? A well meaning facebook friend posted the initial link. PG knew there would be other quizzes. It might be fun to take a few, and compare the results. PG knew little about Carl Jung ( CARL YOUng,) and even less about the archetypes. If nothing else, it is a good excuse for text to go between the pictures. These images are from The Library of Congress.
Mydailyquizz starts off with a blue faced woman. She is having a bad hair day. The quiz is nine questions, with multiple choice answers. There are a couple of innovations. For the “Would you rather…” question, “Other/None of these” is an option. For the traditional “Is the glass half empty or half full,” you can choose “Who drank the other half?” You are then asked which of the seven wonders of the world you want to visit, despite the fact that only one still stands.
PG gave honest answers. “You’re the trickster! Jung identified this archetype in gods like Hermes in Greek mythology, Loki in Norse mythology, and Mercury in Roman mythology. Like these mischievous gods, you’re quick, witty, cunning, and elusive….” PG passed on the option of taking another quiz, Can You Pass The Psychopath Test?
Playbuzz is the top result on google. Their quiz is identical to the facebook version. PG played along, and chose the opposite of his honest answers. “You’re the explorer! According to Jung we can find this archetype in many myths and fairy tales. You’re a restless nomad, always full of wanderlust. You see life as one big adventure and you’re always planning your next move. This archetype thirsts…”
Apost has another copy of the bad hair lady quiz. Is “The Plagiarist” one of the archetypes? PG chose the last answer for every question. “You’re the ruler! Jung identified this archetype in many myths. Think of Zeus, “Father of the gods”. You’re a control freak that desires success and order…”
Jungian Archetype Test is a new test, from Psychologist World. It is thirty six statements, which you rank from strongly agree to strongly disagree. The statements were probably used in other evaluations. Two examples are “I feel sorry for people in a worse situation than myself” and “Friends often turn to me for advice.” You are given both a “Self,” and a “Persona,” archetype. For PG, in both cases, it was “The Innocent Child.”
Sun Gazing was the last time PG took the bad hair lady quiz. It was offered by five other times on the google first page. For the last archetype assignment, PG chose the first multiple choice answer listed. “You’re the sage! According to Carl Jung, the sage represents wisdom and the search for truth. You are wise beyond your years, patient and a deep thinker. You’re driven by a thirst for knowledge. One of your greatest fears is being ignorant, misled, or duped. …”
Which Jungian Archetype Are You? is an original quiz. It is fourteen multiple choice questions. One example is “Finish this sentence: I’m most driven to fulfill the needs of my: Ego, Soul, Self.” PG is not certain what the difference is. The imaginative questions reaches its peak with “You’re in the midst of cave exploring when you come across a fire-breathing dragon. What do you do?” PG would “Deny it exists.” Is it the cave, the dragon, or PG, that does not exist?
“You Got: The Innocent The promise of the Innocent is that life need not be hard. They are the spontaneous, trusting child. The Innocent fears abandonment and seeks safety. Their greatest strength is the trust and optimism that endears them to others and so gain help and support on their quest. Their main danger is that they may be blind to their obvious weaknesses or perhaps deny them. They can also become dependent on others to fulfill their heroic tasks.”
Fighting Racism With Clickbait
A link keeps turning up on facebook. It is for an item, 18 Things White People Should Know/Do Before Discussing Racism. It was posted at The Frisky | Celebrity Gossip, Relationship Advice, Beauty and Fashion Tips. The facility has a series of suggested posts at the top of the page. The first one you see is BLOWJOB TECHNIQUES YOU NEED TO TRY.
18 Things is supposed to be educational. PG was encouraged to read the piece two weeks ago, and found it lacking. The link today was from a combination facebook friend/ facebook unfriend. Maybe 18 Things deserves another look.
18 Things is garbage. Take a look at number one. “1. It is uncomfortable to talk about racism. It is more uncomfortable to live it.” You would never know this from the number of people who seem to enjoy talking about racism. The louder you talk, the more passion you display, the more truth your words have. What is uncomfortable is to quit talking, and listen.
But then, maybe the idea is for everyone to talk at once. Here is item 16: “16. Silence does nothing. Blank stares and silence do not further this difficult but necessary conversation.” If you are going to listen to someone, it is very helpful to keep your mouth shut.
“2. “Colorblindness” is a cop-out. The statements “but I don’t see color” or “I never care about color” do not help to build a case against systemic racism. Try being the only White person in an environment. You will notice color then.” This is a curious paragraph. Sentence one has little to do with sentences two, three, and four.
Sentences three and four are connected. The author assumes that the PWOC reading this piece has never been the only pale face in an environment. Actually, it is probably more common to be the only white person in the room, than to be the only black person in a room full of whites.
“3. Oprah’s success does not mean the end of racism. The singular success of a Black man or woman (i.e. Oprah, or Tiger Woods, or President Obama) is never a valid argument against the existence of racism. By this logic, the success of Frederick Douglass or Amanda America Dickson during the 19th century would be grounds for disproving slavery.”
Has anyone ever said that the success of Oprah Winfrey is the end of racism? Do you have a link for that? Ok, and even if they did say that, it would be wildly untrue. But it gets better. If you agree with this statement that very few people have made, that is like saying that the success of Frederick Douglass disproves slavery. This is ridiculous.
The rest of the piece is little better. Items 4, 5, 9, 14, and 15, can be summed up with the five words … there is racism in America. You are encouraged to use google to educate yourself. This can go in different directions. Maybe you could google “logical fallacy,” or “critical thinking.”
This feature should not be taken as denying the existence of race problems in America. (The words racism/racist are problematic.) People should be treated with kindness and respect. Opportunities should be available to all people. The police should not target racially defined populations. Celebrities should not say tacky things.
The question arises, though. What value do articles like 18 Things have? Do they inform people who need to learn? Are they preaching to the choir? (Frisky has a header ad for Red Bull. Do articles like this sell power energy drinks?)
There are other possibilities. Do articles like 18 Things trivialize racial problems? Maybe the constant promotion of nonsense like 18 Things will lead people to believe that there really isn’t a race problem in America. People who uncritically praise articles like this are doing more harm than good. Those who claim to educate should be held to some sort of standard. Posting nonsense on the internet is not the same thing as working for equality and justice.
This is a repost. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
John Waters’ RISD Graduation Speech
It was a rainy thursday morning. The horrible election is over, with a horrible woman the representative elect. Philando Castile is still dead, as is, presumably, Coach Casteel. The later was the eighth grade gym teacher at Cross Keys, a sadist who got off on making eighth graders run endless laps around the baked clay field. The world can be a muddy place sometimes.
Facebook comes charging to the rescue. A fbf posted a story, John Waters’ RISD Graduation Speech: Real Wealth is Never Having to Spend Time with A-Holes. There is a video, and, praise the loud lord, a transcript, aka the lazy blogger’s friend. The cisscript is courtesy of a promising blog, TELL YOUR PUP YOU LOVE HIM. A recent post is Questionnaire for left-wing hacks. “Are there topics you refuse to cover because doing so would make you a pariah among your journalist friends?”
When you listen to something while multi tasking, you wait for the moment when you have to pause the show, and take notes. This only happened one time with this product. “Never be like some of my generation who say “We had more fun in the ’60s.” No, we didn’t! The kids today who still live with their parents who haven’t seen them in months but leave food outside their bedroom doors are having just as much fun shutting down the government of foreign countries on their computer as we did banning the bomb.” The crowd laughed on cue.
What “the People’s Pervert” does not mention is that the bomb was never banned. Nuklure weapons are just as popular as ever before. Countries like Israel and Pakistan have the bomb, and wonder why caught-in-the-middle Iran are nervous. Do today’s keyboard warriors really shut down foreign governments? Only if you work for the Russian/Republican partnership.
The message was entertaining enough. John Samuel Waters Jr., hereafter known as JSW (too bad his grandfather did not put Samuel first) says a lot of things. Infiltration of the *establishment* is suggested, to make “really devious” product like “Hairspray.”
“I’m also sorry to report there’s no such thing as karma. So many of my talented great friends are dead and so many of the fools I’ve met and loathed are still alive. It’s not fair, and it never will be.” Fair is a baseball, it between the foul lines. If you try any of the stunts suggested in this address, good luck getting funding for your next project.
Youtube has the predictable fawning, punctuated by dangerous clarity. “Good lord! There are few things in life more irritating than fake bravery. Here’s a guy whose SJW views are so firmly part of the mainstream that they’re shared by most of the government, the media, and 95 percent of our colleges and universities, yet he still acts like some kind of defiant rebel whose views are somehow iconoclastic and brave. They’re not, though. Not for decades. Just turn on the TV sometime, John. Your views are 100 percent Establishment now. God help us all.”
Maybe we should focus on the multi tasking. The pictures today are from The Library of Congress. The distraction from SJW was taken by Lewis Wickes Hine in June 1918. “Relatives visiting a wounded French soldier in American Military Hospital No. 1 at Neuilly, supported by the American Red Cross.” These three images are the last ones shown today.
Chamblee54 
1 comment