Chamblee54

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has announced the results of the 2021 competition. Every year, B-LFC solicits opening sentences for bad novels. The “winners” of this competition receive heartfelt condolences from all concerned. Chamblee54 uses B-LFC as an excuse for text to go between pictures every year, like this. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. Part two is also available.
As a “value added service,” chamblee54 compiles a list of noteworthy author names and locations. This years notables: Derek Lepoutre, Pickering, Ontario, Canada, Kyla Guimaraes, New York, NY, Paul Scheeler, Buffalo, NY, Hwei Oh, Sydney, Australia, Steve Lauducci, Bethlehem, PA, Dave Hurt, Harrogate, England, Janie Doohan, Walla Walla, WA, Stu Duval, Auckland, New Zealand, Roni Markowitz, Brooklyn, NY, Lisa Hanks, Euless, TX, Reinhold Friebertshauser, Chagrin Falls, OH, Fr. Jerry Kopacek, Elma, IA, David Laatsch, Baton Rouge, LA, Peter Skrzypczak, Burlington, Ontario, Canada, James Romag, Colorado Springs, CO, Angelica Zhu, Alameda, CA
A lecherous sunrise flaunted itself over a flatulent sea, ripping the obsidian bodice of night asunder with its rapacious fingers of gold, thus exposing her dusky bosom to the dawn’s ogling stare. Stu Duval, Auckland, New Zealand
Little Timmy suffered from Claustraphobia: the fear of being trapped in a closet with Santa Claus. Donald J. Hicks, Jr., Manchester, NJ
Even though Bambi the deer grew up to become a sleek and powerful 10-point buck, the other deer frequently chided him about his name, which was a perfectly fine name for a cocktail waitress but not so much for a male deer. Greg Homer, San Vito, Costa Rica
“Ding dong, the witch is dead, ding dong, the witch is dead, ding . . . “ before I could tenor the next “dong” the black cat that had been sitting on the unmarked grave fixated me with a strange look and a sudden burst of sparkles came over me and changed me from a villager to a green frog, and now I spend my days sitting on the edge of the duck pond in which we drowned the witch, all alone and afraid a Frenchman would come along and fancy my little legs.
Francis Nys, Mechelen, Flanders, Belgium
The Big Joe Palooka murder wasn’t just another killing, another homicide, another manslaughter, another slaying, another hit, another whack, another rubbing-out, another bumping-off, another assassination, another liquidation, another extermination, another execution—but it was nothing new for Johnny Synonymous, Obsessive-Compulsive Crime Fighter.
Paul Scheeler, Buffalo, NY
The cat purred like a Geiger counter beside the fireplace which crackled like gunfire (which reminded Detective Greenwich of his service in The Ukraine and The Latvia), this feline being the only witness to the murder of the wet nurse and, unless purring counts, he wasn’t talking.
Michael McDermott, Dublin, Ireland
Detective Hill raised his service pistol and pointed it at the suspect, a master of disguise hiding in plain sight as a living statue in central park: “Freeze!” he called out.
Justin C. McCarthy, Cranston, RI
It was a dark and stormy night, as disorienting and miasmic as the inside of the bag of an industrial strength vacuum cleaner with a shredded HEPA filter being dragged over a steel foundry floor. Jeff Laurence, Carmel, CA
Dark and stormy, the night screamed like a ravished virgin …. the dark, stormy night ranted madly in a barometric tantrum …. it was an ebonic nocturnal tempest …. the stygian typhoon of eventide …. prosopopeic fuliginous Nyx, enceinte as it were with lachrymal lamia farouche as Hecate, disbosomed upon her terrene demiorb an empyreal borasque. Jack Holiday, Burbank, CA
Our story begins in the cozy cottage of Bynnoldh-Dyr, son of Asgwitch-Torgwyr, in the idyllic elven village of Myrthffolwrd, but our book actually begins some two hundred pages earlier, in which you are pummeled by irrelevant history and unpronounceable names, because my publisher is paying me by the word. Neil B Harrison, Springville, UT
To the rest of the world, General Sir Antony Alexander Agamemnon Hardcastle may have been the Scourge of the French, the Hero of the Borghorst Pass, and the fourth-worst enemy of the late Napoleon Bonaparte, but to the waitress at the Badger’s Head Tavern and Grill, he was just another customer — and if he called her “cutie pie” one more time, she was going to do to him with one fork what Boney couldn’t with a thousand men. Scott Lyons, Stirling, Scotland
She had a deep, throaty laugh, like the sound a dog makes right before it throws up.
Janie Doohan, Walla Walla, WA
His voice rang out sweet and loud, like maple syrup that had achieved speech and wished to push its deeply held political beliefs on others. Paul Kollas, Orlando, FL

Joe Rogan Experience #1158 – Chuck Palahniuk hit the internet recently. Mr. Palahniuk (Paula Neek) writes trendy books, most famously Fight Club. Mr. Palahniuk is pleased to hear people say “the first rule of…” It makes him think he has had an impact on the culture. This is a repost.
Inevitably, authors talk about their writing habits. Mr. Palahniuk fills up notebooks in longhand. When he gets bored, or is killing time in an airport, he begins to type these notes. To quote Truman Capote, this is not writing, this is typing.
One of the themes of this conversation is what offends people. The author of Guts knows about giving offense. Often, people are not especially offended themselves, but are offended on behalf of other people. Mr. Palahniuk uses the phrase “white knighting,” to describe this protective umbrage taking. Per urban dictionary: “White knighting Defending someone who does not wish to be defended.” White knighting is woke whitesplaining.
Two especially tasteful stories were told. If you are inclined to get offended, for any reason at all, you probably should skip over these two stories. The pictures, by The Library of Congress, are safe. Both of these stories are by well known authors, who are named in the interview. If you want to know who they are, you will have to listen to the interview. Once again, these stories are hard core, and you should take great caution in reading them. If you like these stories, there are more in the podcast.
Upon further consideration, it has been determined that one of the stories is too much. If you want to hear it, you can listen to the podcast. … The break room at a hospital was next to the room where autopsies were performed, with a glass window looking in. A twelve year old boy was on the slab, having died in a bicycle accident. The Pathologist cut away the boy’s face, and peeled it back, so that it hung over his jaw. This exposed a dark red layer of muscle, covering the face. The man looked at this, and said “that’s the color I want to paint my den.”
Mr. Palahniuk has had a lively career. A crooked business manager stole a great deal of money from him. Since he is no longer filthy rich, but merely filthy minded, he continues to produce books. Fight Club 3 is in the pipeline. It will probably be accompanied by a promotional tour, with more grossout stories for the clamoring public.
Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. Paul Carter, 1903-1938, photographer Date Created/Published: Sept. 1936 Untitled photo, possibly related to: Negro workers on Newport News Homesteads, Virginia Untitled photo, possibly related to: Negroes on a picnic, Newport News, Virginia Lunch hour at Newport News Homesteads, Virginia

This repost is borrowed from Twenty Two Words, who borrowed it from someone else. The pictures are from The Library of Congress. Every year, the Edinburgh Fringe Festival has a contest for the best joke. The 2011 winner was Nick Helm, aka “The Human Car Crash of Light Entertainment”.
1. Nick Helm – “The banking program needed a password eight characters long. I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”
2. Tim Vine – “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
3. Hannibal Buress – “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”
4. Tim Key – “Drive Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought … once you’ve hired the car”
5. Matt Kirshen – “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”
6. Sarah Millican – “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”
7. Alan Sharp – “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”
8. Mark Watson – “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”
9. Andrew Lawrence – “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”
10. DeAnne Smith – “My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin.”
PG did a bit of value added research, and found an article in The Telegraph about the joke contest. This article has the NINE WORST JOKES from the 2011 festival.
1. Tim Vine – “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
2. V. McTavish – “The Lockerbie bomber put Lockerbie on the map, well he nearly took it off it too.”
3. Josh Howie – I’ve got nothing against the Chinese. Don’t get me Wong.
4. Card Ninja – “I went to see this show and the guy said ‘Hey kid do you like magic?’ And I said ‘Yeah!’ So he asked if I wanted to see a trick and I said ‘Yeah!’ So he said ‘think of a number, times it by 2 and if it’s odd …’ Oh no, he’s a MATHmagician! “
5. Tom Webb – “Due to the economy, profiteroles will now be called deficiteroles.”
6. Nathan Caton – “Postcode wars? That sounds like a really shit BBC game show.”
7. Andrew Bird – “My wife’s eating for two. She’s not pregnant, just schizophrenic.”
8. Mark Olver – “I was like a dyslexic having my back teeth removed … losing my morals.”
9. Andrew O’Neill – “Singing a song for the colour blind today: “And I think to myself … why did I become a bomb disposal expert?”

Super Size Me 2: Holy Chicken! was recently the featured presentation at a documentary discussion group. Morgan Spurlock, is the auteur. In Super Size Me, Mr. Spurlock lived on a McDonald’s diet, and survived. SSM was successful enough to justify a sequel.
SSM2HC is not as much a documentary, as it is a “reality” show. Mr. Spurlock wants to open his own restaurant, with healthy food. A consultant sells him a bite of reality. “You know, consumers crave this food. They’re not willing to sacrifice the taste. But there’s this interesting shifting definition of health, so it’s not necessarily 100% healthy for you. It may be bad for you, it’s fried, but it’s got some vegetables in it, so you feel better about it. -So it’s a perception.” Another consultant tells him about the “health halo.” A pinch of lettuce, under the bun, makes the burger taste healthy.
Mr. Spurlock decides to go with chicken, and raise the birds himself. Mr. Spurlock will take the poultry that he raised, and feature them at his own restaurant: Holy Chicken. Nobody knows where he gets the capital, not to mention the time to make it all happen. Mr. Spurlock even has time to call the FDA, on camera, and ask about the rules are for labeling chickens “free range.”
The practices of “Big Chicken” get worked over. (An eye-rolling shot of Marietta’s Big Chicken was cut from the finished film.) It is tough to get real facts here. The giant poultry suppliers have some shady practices. It is in their best interest to keep the story from getting out. A warning letter is sent out by Thomas Super, “Senior Vice President Communications the National Chicken Council.”
The story rolls on. Mr. Spurlock finds an old Wendy’s, in Columbus OH, to house Holy Chicken. The place is decorated, employees are hired, and the media is alerted. Starting a new restaurant is another capital intensive, 25-hour-a-day job. Except for Morgan Spurlock. He takes time out, from his chicken farm, and his restaurant start up, to go to Washington DC. Mr. Spurlock goes, without an appointment, to the National Chicken Council. The plan is to invite Thomas Super to the Holy Chicken grand opening. Mr. Super declined the invitation.
SSM2HC is a joke. The consultants used are real. One wonders why they would participate in something like this … it must be true, there is no bad publicity. CCD Innovation, in $an Francisco, is a real company. Their story took a sad turn. “Kimberly Egan, CCD Innovation Partner, loses battle with breast cancer.” Ms. Egan is the other lady at the table in this clip.
No discussion of Morgan Spurlock is complete without his Me Too story. In December 2017, with the release of SSM2HC eminent, Mr. Spurlock released a statement about his problem. It is uncertain why he chose to do this, but it had consequences. It puts a different spin, on SSM2HC, to know about Morgan Spurlock. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress.