Kegels for Poets
I was fixing up an old post, Cemetery Blues. I went looking for a link to Dead Poets Remembrance Day, and I found an amusing comment from Annie Finch: “Unlike my recent “Kegels for Poets” post, this one is completely for real.”
I decided to look for KFP. Google and DuckDuckGo did not have a link. Finally, I found Exercises in improving the poetic orgasm… . This is one of the funnier ‘poetry’ blogs I’ve come across in a while…kinda old but still super cute…enjoy :) With the help of the Wayback Machine, I found KFP.
KFP turned out to be satire, and not especially funny. “The Poetry Muscle exercises known as Meter Kegels have many advantages. They are best known to help strengthen and tone the whole poetic floor to prevent things like linguistic incontinence during middle age.” I think I know why the original was deleted. The good news is the poems I found during the google search. … Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. John Collier took the social media picture in June 1942. “Escambia Farms, Florida. Truck loading eggs from cooperative association for market in Miami”
The Edgelord & His Meme Queen @StoutOfOrder
Sex starved and aging badly
Too many cigarettes and ‘dank ass weed’
Bad tattoos and facial hair so scraggly
He’s called in sick to work all week
He set his high score four years ago
But she broke his heart last June
Now he’s stuck in his parents basement
Doing speed runs on Halo 2
She has no cash to feed her cats
But she bought two wigs on Monday
She dresses up like anime girls
And thinks she’ll be famous someday
She’ll tell you she’s just keeping it real
While dressed like someone from science fiction
She meets the boy at some comic con
And they go to her hotel room to make friction …
Edgelords and meme queens
Addicted to the obscene
Spewing hateful words
With no care for what they mean
It seems that even the regals
Are doing their kegels
Kegels by Laura S. Marshall
the older i get the more i need to practice
conversation conflict containment
when cooking i set out the spices before i
start catalogue the measuring cups trace
the characters in the recipes in the mirror
i chant your name chant my own in the
shower for a month and a half i forget
what cinder blocks are called i forget
to collect the mail the mailbox tilts
at obscene angles obscures itself with
snow its red flag lolling letters leaking
i know this medicine won’t let me be
hungry so i practice hunger too i time
myself it’s three o’clock it’s time for
something three unleashes four and five
releases me to the murk of dusk before i
go to sleep i line up my pills so
in the morning i’ll remember
Even When I Win I Lose by Mike Lef
Sitting here in an adult diaper,
‘cancer free’ I’m told. Thumbing through
a booklet of kegel exercises
for men, this.
After nine long years, in and out of
specialist offices, batting around my prostate
like a handball.
I knew it would come to this from the get-go,
but foolishly fooled myself into believing otherwise,
cause.
Even when I win I lose,
that’s just
the way it is…….
©Luther Mckinnon 2026 · selah
Full Moon Poems
Saturday night, I celebrated the full moon by reading five poems before an unsuspecting audience. This text today is accompanied by pictures from the graphic version of the poems. The titles below have a link embedded, so you can see the rest of the pictures. One poem, Bam Bam, does not have pictures yet. Bam Bam was my first hekaton, or one hundred syllable poem.
#whyiwasfiredfromwalmart
Wannaknow #whyiwasfiredfromwalmart, Rub Chocolate Pudding On Diaper Shelf
Attacked Customer With A Shopping Cart, Drew Hitler Mustache On The Christmas Elf
Paging “Mike Vick To The Pet Department”, Remote Control Fart Machine For Baked Beans
Testing Condoms Without Getting Consent, Put Cucumbers And Lube In Random Queens
Sacrifice Barbie Doll For Satan’s Glory, Count On Fingers Taking Inventory
Using Beer Cans For Curlers In My Hair, Polyester Camel Toe Savoir Faire
Greet People At Front By Flashing My Tits, Caterwauling All The Neil Diamond Hits
Bad Hygiene Tips Part One
bathe in swamp water for a youthful glow, lose your toothbrush? find a live weasel
go lick your vibrator clean tomorrow, dollar store cologne instead of diesel
smoke the breath mints in the urinal, floss is too flimsy try a razor blade
fill both sides of toilet paper y’all, lick bathroom floor at the colonnade
Bad Hygiene Tips Part Two
bug spray deodorant in a pinch, perfume covers republican stench
you never have to wipe a clean cut crap, if you piss in the sink with spinal tap
use meth to whiten and strengthen smile, kinky groovy sex at walmart lifestyle
Sonnet Number Two
bake brownies blow mud build a log cabin, bust a grumpie burn a mule blow ordure
code brown crap factory get happy win, lubrication defecation manure
discharge doo doo craptastic driver ball, drop kids off bomber pool hot honkey night
wolf bait trout duke it out go down the hall, dump trump wailin’ palin burger delight
deep fried twinkie luther burger breakfast, regurgitation free the turtle fast
expel shy hamster dumper diver lunch, grease the bowl grow a tail corpulent crunch
fly fecal matter effluent sinner, give birth to future state trooper dinner
Miss Dorothy
You Can Die Of Your Shame Or Live With Pride, Leviticus Abomination Decay
Miss Dorothy Is Always On Our Side, Take Off Your Seat Belt And Go For A Ride
Queer As A Crochet Bathtub Ballet, You Can Die Of Your Shame Or Live With Pride
The Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name Denied, Shouldn’t Talk With Your Mouth Full Anyway
Miss Dorothy Is Always On Our Side, Heteronormative Bonnie And Clyde
Just Too Lazy To Pray Away The Gay, You Can Die Of Your Shame Or Live With Pride
Give Me Librium Or Give Me Meth Outside, Gurl Didn’t Mean To Steal Your Hair Spray
Miss Dorothy Is Always On Our Side, Are You Doctor Jekyll Or Mister Hyde?
Madonna Plastic Surgery Buffet, You Can Die Of Your Shame Or Live With Pride
Miss Dorothy Is Always On Our Side
Boo Boo
Bam Bam Boo Boo Boogie Boner Blaster, Gomer Goober Gobble Sergeant Carter
Hair Pie Hoover Hooker Plaster Caster, Penis Pinga Pecker Packer Harder
Slick Willie Pick Monica Lewinsky, Salad Tossing Deep Throat Le Leche Leak
Blow By Blow Rusty Trombone Buttinsky, Slurp Spurt Spit Swallow Alabama Freak
Carpet Munching Sixty Nine Ratio, Slurping Gherkin Auto-Fellatio
©Luther Mckinnon 2026 · selah
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