Nine Eleven Story
This is my 911 story. I repeat it every year at this time. If you saw it last year, it has not changed. Feel free to skip the text and look at the pictures, from The Library of Congress.
I was at work, and someone called out that someone had run a plane into the World Trade Center. I didn’t think much of it, until I heard that the second tower had been hit, then the Pentagon, then the towers collapsed, then a plane crashed in Pennsylvania.
I focused on my job most of the day. There was always a lot of melodrama at that facility, and concentrating on my production duties helped to keep me saner. This was roughly the halfway point of my seven year tenure at this place.
One of the other workers was a bully for Jesus. He was a hateful loudmouth. After the extent of the damage became known, he shouted “They are doing this for Allah,” and prayed at his desk. The spectacle of the BFJ praying made me want to puke.
I became alienated from Jesus during these years. Once, I had once been tolerant of Christians and Jesus, as one would be with an eccentric relative. I began to loath the entire affair. I hear of others who found comfort in religion during this difficult time. That option simply was not available for me.
Seven Brilliant Quotes
There is a little graphic floating around, Seven Brilliant Quotes. Some find these sayings to be inspirational. PG smells a rat. Here are the seven quotes:
William Shakespeare – Never play with the feelings of others because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a life time.
Napoleon Bonaparte – The world suffers a lot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.
Albert Einstein – I am thankful to all those who said NO to me. Its because of them I did it myself.
Abraham Lincoln – If friendship is your weakest point then you are the strongest person in the world.
Martin Luther King Jr. – We must learn to live together as brothers or we will perish together as fools.
Mahatma Gandhi – The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
Abdul Kalaam – It is very easy to defeat someone, but it is very hard to win someone.
If nothing else, research into the veracity of these quotes should provide some amusing text to go between the pictures. When you go looking in the land of google, there is no telling what you will find. During this expedition, the first page rule will be in effect. Only results on the first google page will be considered. The NB quote has 1.7 million results, which is too much work.
Lets begin with Willie the shake. Did he really say “Never play with the feelings of others because you may win the game but the risk is that you will surely lose the person for a life time.”? Or, as they say in the Yahoo village, Does anyone know where this Shakespeare quote comes from?
hugeshantz Does anyone know where this Shakespeare quote comes from? I’ve seen this quote all over the internet, always attributed to Shakespeare, but I can’t find a legitimate source of where it comes from (i.e. a specific sonnet, play, speech, etc.): “Never play….” Can anyone help me out here?
Dude the Obscure This is 20th/21st century psychobabble. Shakespeare never wrote anything remotely resembling that. Please never trust any of these idiotic “internet quote sites.” They are all, all, all crap. I can’t believe that any intelligent person could think for a minute that this was written by Shakespeare. Really. Get some critical-thinking skills, child.
The next quote is by Napoleon Bonaparte, not Napoleon Dynamite. “The world suffers a lot. Not because of the violence of bad people, but because of the silence of good people.”
Before we consider the veracity of this quote, lets consider two things. NB did not speak english, so there is likely to be translation confusion. Second, the wars NB started caused widepread suffering. Little of this suffering was caused by the silence of good people.
The sources on page one do little except show the quote, usually with the credit going to NB. No one shows when or where he said it, or in what context. Brainyquotes doea not show it on the NB pages.
Number three is from Albert Einstein.” I am thankful to all those who said NO to me. Its because of them I did it myself.” According to Shelly Winters, Marilyn Monroe did not say no to Dr. Einstein. Google has a doozy of a forum, Misquoting Einstein?.
Jimmy Snyder says the quote has been attributed to Dorothy Parker, Yogi Berra, William Shakespeare, The Bible, Benjamin Franklin, and Groucho Marx. This is a clue that the quote is bogus.
zoobyshoe’s I just found this an another wiki page discussing the quote page: “I am thankful …” This is being attributed to Einstein on the Internet, but it appears to come from Wayne W. Dyer’s book You’ll See It When You Believe It, page 54, according to Google Books. Dyer does not attribute it to Einstein, but mentions Einstein in the same paragraph. “In my office I have two framed posters. One is a picture of Albert Einstein, beneath which are the words “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” The other poster is made up solely of words: “I am grateful to all those people who said no. It is because of them I did it myself.” Great thoughts!”
Ryan_m_b’s “Never believe quotes you read on the internet” – Winston Churchill zoobyshoe’s His actual words were: “The internet has nothing to offer, but blood, tears, toil, and misquotes.”
It should not be surprising that Winston Churchill finds his way into this discussion. He has a taste for the spotlight, even 47 years after his demise. He is an example of how truthiness is sometimes all you need. His most famous speech was a radio address during a bad part of World War Two. The speech was read by an actor. England was inspired, and went on to win the war. Why should anyone worry if an actor gave his speech for him?
This is enough fun for one day. There will be a part two soon, and it will probably be full of number two. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress.
Welcome to part two of the Chamblee54 due diligence report on the Seven Brilliant Quotes. In part one, we checked out the first three. At no time was a source for the quote found. All three are suspect, with “misunderstanding” indicated in the Albert Einstein quote. It is amazing how quickly accepted these sayings are by the inspiration hungry public.
Getting back to business, did Abraham Lincoln say “If friendship is your weakest point then you are the strongest person in the world.” There are lots of links to this quote, in a variety of fonts and colors. Some have spectacular photography in the background. However, none of these links has a source for this quote, or any indication of the context.
Wikiquotes has 43,444 words about Abraham Lincoln. PG copied these words, and did a search for the word “friendship”. The quote from the poster was not found. The meme is missing. This wikiquotes test has been very useful for checking out quotes. It is not authoritative, but is a good place to start.
This type of research can be frustrating. Being inspired by beautiful words can give you strength and purpose. It can also make you feel foolish, when the lovely words are revealed to be lies. Being a cynic gets lonely. Children of all ages don’t like to be told that there is no Santa Claus.
The good news is that number five is for real. Martin Luther King gave a speech at Western Michigan University in 1963. There is a probably his standard speech, given many times. The second section of the speech is “Call for action.”
“The world in which we live is geographically one. Now we are challenged to make it one in terms of brotherhood. Now through our ethical and moral commitment, we must make of it a brotherhood. We must all learn to live together as brothers or we will perish together as fools. This is the great challenge of the hour. This is true of individuals. It is true of nations. No individual can live alone. No nation can live alone.”
“I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality. [W]e’re challenged after working in the realm of ideas, to move out into the arena of social action and to work passionately and unrelentingly to make racial justice a reality.”
“[W]e must never substitute a doctrine of Black supremacy for white supremacy. For the doctrine of Black supremacy is as dangerous as white supremacy. God is not interested merely in the freedom of black men and brown men and yellow men but God is interested in the freedom of the whole human race, the creation of a society where all men will live together as brothers.”
PG has written about the problem of quoting Mohandas Gandhi before. Supposedly he said “I love your Christ, but I dislike your Christianity.” PG thinks this is a fabrication.
The quote on the poster is “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Wikiquotes has a link to Collected Works of Mahatma Gandhi Online. The next stop is page 302 of this section. Mr. Gandhi gave an “Interview to the press” in Karachi, on March 26, 1931. A freedom fighter named Bhagat Singh had been executed by the British three days earlier.
Do you not think it impolitic to forgive a government which has been guilty of a thousand murders?
I do not know a single instance where forgiveness has been found so wanting as to be impolitic.
But no country has ever shown such forgiveness as India is showing to Britain?
That does not affect my reply. What is true of individuals is true of nations. One cannot forgive too much. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
The bottom line is from Dr. Abdul Kalam. (The name is misspelled on the poster.) The phrase is “It is very easy to defeat someone, but it is very hard to win someone.” Many viewers have no idea who this person is. Once again, Wikiquotes comes to the rescue. “Dr. Avul Pakir Jainulabdeen Abdul Kalam (born 15 October 1931) Indian scientist and engineer; 11th President of India; generally referred to as Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam.” The quotes are from Wings of Fire: An Autobiography of APJ Abdul Kalam.
A search for the word “defeat” did not show results. A search for “win” shows a few, but not the poster child. The phrase on the poster is also credited to John Keats. There is also the story of the student who argues with an atheist professor, and ultimately wins. The student is sometimes said to be Albert Einstein. In this version, Argumnent : What, Who is GOD?, the coda is “This seems to be a true story, and the student was none other than APJ Abdul Kalam, the former President of India “.
The research for part one consisted of entering the quote into a search engine. It was not until the Lincoln investigation that the method of copying wikiquote, and searching for a key word, was discovered. Out of a sense of fairness, the first three quotes will be investigated using this method.
For William Shakespeare, the search word was risk. There were no results. For Napoleon Bonaparte, the search word was violence. There was one result. “There is no such thing as an absolute despotism; it is only relative. A man cannot wholly free himself from obligation to his fellows, and not the one on the poster. For Albert Einstein, the search word was thankful. There were no results.
So, there are seven quotes in the motivational poster. Only two of the seven have a apparent source. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. This is a repost. This version is edited, out of concern for the attention span of the audience.
Not In A Bad Way
Sometimes a story comes along that you can’t help but comment on. The story is about a pro basketball team, the Atlanta Hawks. This franchise has all the appeal of watching paint dry, but without the intoxicating fumes. This story has all the elements.
The four elements are earth, air, fire, and water. Earth and water combine to make mud. RACIST is the mudslinging term of choice in 2014 Amerika. The arena where the Hawks perform is built the empty air over the railroad tracks.
Maybe this story only has three of the four elements. If anyone cared about the Hawks, there might be fire. This team has never been past the second round of the playoffs in forty odd Georgia years. Pro basketball in Georgia is as much fun as getting pulled over by the police.
RACISM starts it off. Every story about the Hawks idiot owner has the word RACIST in the headline. Long forgotten jocks weigh in on twitter. An eyesore mayor talks to the fishwrapper.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar @kaj33 Atlanta Hawks owner Bruce Levenson isn’t a racist-he’s a businessman. Read my thoughts @TIME
Dominique Wilkins @DWilkins21 Thank you to all my fans and concerned Hawks community. Please be patient with me. I will be commenting on the recent Hawks news shortly.
Kasim Reed “We shouldn’t have a conversation centered on race when it’s really focused on winning … Let’s not make it about race.”
The affair started when Hawks general manager Danny Ferry was discussing which free agents to sign. This is where you offer a player lots of money to come play for your team. This player will make more money for playing a game six months than the typical ticket buyer will make in a lifetime. In this case, it was a “a highly-regarded African-American player and humanitarian” named Luol Deng. The hraapah in question is from Sudan. How he got to be african-american is tmi.
When the story broke, no one knew what was said about hraapah. Inquiring minds want to know. “he has a little African in him. Not in a bad way, but he’s like a guy who would have a nice store out front but sell you counterfeit stuff out the back.”
This comment led to an investigation. “An Atlanta law firm conducted 19 interviews and turned up more than 24,000 internal documents, including the email that Levenson cited when he announced his decision to sell the team.” This will cost enough to pay for a humanitarian free agent.
The story broke last sunday. The idiot owner of the Hawks, Bruce Levenson, “self reported” to the NBA a numbskull email about increasing attendance at Hawk games. The email may, or may not, be RACIST. Persistent rumors have it that Mr. Levenson wants to jack up the price of his team. This is a curious marketing strategy. It worked for Donald Sterling. Having your adulterous gf spill the beans is not as much fun as self reporting.
The email in question is bizarre. You are trying to sell pro basketball in a football town. The team plays downtown, across the street from the fifth most dangerous neighborhood in amerika. It is also the site of the Blank Bowl, with billions of dollars being invested in a new football stadium. You have to wonder about the values of our society.
This post is going on past the attention span of most readers. If you like, you can read the email for yourself. Do you need to know if it is RACIST? You might want to ask why you care. The pictures are from The Library of Congress The pictures are from the Farm Services Administration. America did not spend millions of dollars on humanitarian basketball players in those days.
090914
Henry Kissinger told a joke to Richard Nixon. It became known as Mr. Nixon’s favorite joke. A man asked Richard Wagner, Do you spell your name with a W. He replied, Nien, W.
)()()( oops, the shift key just loves to make trouble. Lets try this again. Be sure to leave the 9mm alone. Or use the canine squad. If you see Kay, give her love potion number nine.
090909 was a really neat day. 090909 was the last day of its type until 01/01/2101. A day expressed by three zeros and three single digits.
Nine is the largest of the single digit numbers. It is a baseball team, without the DH. A baseball game lasts nine innings, just like a pregnancy lasts nine months. A pregnancy is not considered a complete game if it is rained out after the fifth inning.
Nine is pronounced the same as No in German. Was 090909 known in Berlin as oh no, oh no? Did Yoko Ono make an appearance to celebrate? Did the mask work better for her than it did for John?
Nine is an odd number. Nine is three squared. If you multiply a number by nine, and then add the digits of the sum together, you will get nine. An example is 2×9=18, and 1+8=9.
Nine is six upside down. A pristine pastime popularized 69. Jimi Hendrix wondered if six turned out to be nine, he don’t mind. The Beatles did a song called Revolution number nine, which said “turn me on dead man” if played backwards. Number Nine, Number Nine, Number Nine.
This was originally posted 090909. It was adapted on 090913 for use in the Trifecta writing challenge. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
Un Deux Trois Cat Sank
Maybe the headline should say indicate instead of prove. ~ “Suggests.” And actually, it’s the researchers who are “positing” the explanation, not their study. ~ There are conspiracy theories about the death of William McKinley. It was roughly one hundred years before nine eleven. ~ Offer available to U.S. residents only while supplies last. Limit one free pin per household/address. ~ @MZHemingway @MattWalshBlog in this episode we get tired of #ferguson ignore #gaza and two lady tweeters become “the media” ~ It is easy to photograph a church sign, and rearrange the letters to say what you like. ~ You know, I came here for bad jokes… But I left here with a little knowledge. ~ When I was about three years old I told a variation of this joke all the time. Reading it just now, I finally realized its a lot funnier than I originally thought. ~ “I think you said the joke wrong.” “I know what I said.” ~ Thank you so much, I’m glad I am not the only one that thinks this joke is hilarious. All my friends just think I am odd. Will you all be my new friends? ~ I told this joke to a random stranger once, they just turned without saying a word and walked away. I, on the other hand, could not stop laughing. ~ The thought of you just stopping random people on the street to tell then this makes me laugh more than the joke but hey, you did your part. Good job! ~ For those of you who aren’t American, coupe is pronounced coop here, and also a sedan is a saloon. ~ Oh my god. I have to tell that one to my 9 year old when I get home… ~ My 3 year old pterodactyl is gonna feel slightly offended when I tell him. ~ This one is better if you keep dragging it out as much as you can, then suddenly it just ends. ~ Actually red paint gets its color from iron oxide, whereas blue paint gets its color from copper. Iron oxide has a very distinct metallic smell, causing red and blue paint to smell very different I worked at a paint company for 12 years. And you guys, watching paint dry isn’t that bad… you just gotta love what you do ~ Telling jokes with you is about as much fun as watching paint dry. ~ The blimp used to fly directly over my attic apartment. It sounded like a lawn mower. ~ Two cats are swimming across a river. One’s name is “One two three” and the other’s name is “Un deux trois.” Who makes it across? One two three, because Un deux trois cat sank. Had to ask my roommate taking French for help on this one, because I didn’t know what came after trois. For anyone who doesn’t get it, un deux trois is one two three in French, and quatre cinq is four five (pronounced cat sank in English) ~ But… wouldn’t the navy be anti-pirate? You know, government and stuff? ~ What is a pirate’s favorite letter? R? You’d think that, but his first love will always be the C It’s actually the P. Without it they’re irate. ~ What’s the difference between a can of tuna, a piano, and a glue stick? You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna. (when asked about the glue stick) I knew you’d get stuck on that. ~ There is an arab saying … he who speaks the truth must keep one foot in the saddle. ~ You’re a smart man, Phillip, and you often post smart and quirky things that are worth reading. This isn’t one of them. ~ You confuse TMZ for TMI. ~ Actually, the police would be caught in NASCAR traffic. ~ SHARE this to expose the corruption. ~ Don’t people catch onto Zamora being a hispanic last name? ~ After Troy Aikman, this will be nothing new. ~ *NO SHOWS AND CANCELLATIONS – WE HAVE BEGUN ENFORCING A STRICT POLICY REGARDING NO SHOWS AND CANCELLATIONS. IF YOU DO NOT SHOW UP OR DO NOT GIVE NOTICE OF AN EMERGENCY WITH DOCUMENTED PROOF, YOU WILL BE TAKEN OFF OUR LISTS FOR WORK AND AUDITIONS PERMANENTLY, FOR THIS AND ANY OTHER PROJECT. UNFORTUNATELY, THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR REFLECTS POORLY ON ALL OF YOU, AND ATLANTA’S BACKGROUND ACTORS AS A WHOLE. ~ Is he invited to the halloween party? ~ I wouldn’t want to freak out the evil aliens on the knoll. They might mistake me for an person and throw fire at me. ~ This episode is sponsored by a popup ad. “Scientific Breakthrough. Is this the end of Viagra.” ~ You say the Osteens are heretics, and they might be. Instead of burning them at the stake, you condemn them in a post sponsored by … “Vydox … originally formulated to help the adult industry.” ~ Lighten up. ~ One post is Christian on Christian insults. Another post is comedian on comedian insults. One group knows that it is entertainers, with incidental social impact. The christians think they are saying important things. In truth, they are in show biz just like the comedians. I just thought the two posts were similar. Also, there were some more comments in Chamblee54, about the Matt Walsh/ Mo/ Joel Osteen post. ~ @sydscifi @mikeliberation when you post the photo you are supporting wilson story people will see the picture and not read the text ~ Private convo of D. Sterling gets 1000x publicity of J Rivers comments on Gaza ~ Yoko Ono singing is a nightmare. ~ asking an octopus to help tie your shoes ~ pictures from The Library of Congress. ~ selah
Dr. King And Mr. King
The other day PG stumbled onto a blog post, about a speech given by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. This address was deemed “the singularly most-important speech on race in the history of this country.”
PG admires Dr. King. He is also suspicious of superlatives. There were some comments made by Rodney Glen King III. The comments by Mr King were briefer, and tougher to live up to.
While thinking of things to write about, PG realized that he had never seen the actual quote by Mr. King. It is embedded above. When you see this video, you might realize that Mr. King has been misquoted. The popular version has him saying “Can’t we all just get along.” He did not say just.
Mr. King was known to America as Rodney King. His friends called him Glen. His comments, at 7:01, May 1, 1992, went like this: ““People, I just want to say, you know, can we all get along? Can we get along? Can we stop making it, making it horrible for the older people and the kids? . . . Please, we can get along here. We all can get along. I mean, we’re all stuck here for a while. Let’s try to work it out. Let’s try to beat it. Let’s try to beat it.”
The circumstances of the two comments could not be more different. Dr. King was giving the sermon of his life. There was an enormous crowd, both in person and on TV. His comments were scripted, rehearsed, and delivered with the style that he was famous for.
Mr. King, by contrast, had just seen the officers who beat him acquitted. Cities from coast to coast were in violent upheaval. Mr. King was speaking to reporters without benefit of a speech writer. What he said just might have been more important. Pictures today from The Library of Congress.
Jay Bakker And Joel Osteen
Jay Bakker was the guest on WTF podcast today. In case you are new here, Jay is the son of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker. He was a kid when their empire imploded, and had a tough time dealing with it.
After a few years as an alcoholic, among other vices, Mr. Bakker found some scripture that he agreed with. He decided to preach. His view of the bible is different from most mainstream believers, with an emphasis on grace and acceptance. The church is currently in Minnesota. There are plans to maybe have an online based ministry, with no geographic location.
While the teaching of Jay Bakker is different from most churches, some of the basic assumptions are the same. He talks about the teachings of Jesus, who he calls Christ. He finds what he wants to see in the bible. (The be fair, Mr. Bakker said that his view is expanding all the time. He apparently is thinking, and is open to new possibilities.)
To PG, this is mistaken. The bible is a book assembled by man, with all the mistakes that men are capable of making. It is not the complete story about G-d. It is also not the complete story about Jesus. All we know about Jesus is what the Council of Nicea wants to tell us.
In a way, this continues in the Jim and Tammy Faye tradition. The PTL club was basically a friendly place. They were about love, instead of the meanness distributed by so many other Jesus worshipers. These are not the people who taught PG that Jesus hates him. Unfortunately, there was some financial tomfoolery. Maybe money is the root of all evil.
While listening to this show, PG was editing pictures from The Library of Congress. Some of these pictures are posted here today. When WTF was over, PG checked in to see if the latest offering from Matt Walsh was up. Holy synchronicity, Batman.
The story today is a denunciation of Joel Osteen. Mr. Walsh does not think that Mr. Osteen is correct in his approach . Phrases like “wonderful blasphemy” and “indefensible teaching” are tossed around. Scripture is quoted. What you see in the bible says more about you than it does G-d, or Joel Osteen.
Here is a quote. “In more primitive times they burned heretics at the stake. Now we greet the blasphemers with applause and multi-million dollar book deals. I’m not sure if the latter response is any more enlightened than the former, but both are wrong.”
When you go to the Matt Walsh piece, you might get a popup ad (irony alert.) The headline reads Is this the end of Viagra? The product is an ED drug. “… the adult industry so excited about Vydox … to make it a mandatory supplement part of every actors pre filming routine.”
UPDATE: After this feature was published, PG went to Facebook to promote it. He learned of the passing of Joan Rivers. May she rest in peace. There was also a link to something that seems connected with a post, about a Jesus worshiper trashing a wealthier Jesus worshiper over theocratic style. The post is The 30 Harshest Comedian-on-Comedian Insults in History.
I Have A Dream
PG stumbled onto a blog post about a speech. It was delivered August 28, 1963, by Doctor Martin Luther King, Jr. You have probably heard the money quote many times, but how many have heard the entire 881 words. PG had not, and decided to take a look.
The speech is really a sermon. It is delivered with the cadence, and rhetorical flourishes, of the church. Dr. King was a minister. The Jesus worship church is a huge player in African America. The fact that slaves were introduced to this religion by their owners seems to be forgotten.
The term used is Negro. This was the polite word in 1963. The custom of saying Black started in the late sixties, at least partially inspired by James Brown. Negro began to be seen as an insult, along with the infamous N-word … which is really just a lazy way of saying Negro.
As the speech is working up to the climax, there is a line “But not only there; let freedom ring from the Stone Mountain of Georgia!” Today, Stone Mountain is a middle class black community. DeKalb County is mostly black, and the political leadership is African American. This was a long way from happening in 1963.
Twelve weeks after Dr. King gave his speech, President John Kennedy was killed. Part of the reaction to this tragedy was the passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
The next year saw the Voting Rights Act, and escalation of the war in Vietnam. It seemed that for every step forward, there was a half step back. People lost patience with non violence. America did not implode, but somehow survived. It is now fifty one years later. Pictures today are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”.
Walk Into A Bar
How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazillian. ~ My grandpa has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo. ~ What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way ~ So a squirrel living in a pine tree one day feels a shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel asks: “What are you doing climbing my tree?” ” Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears” “You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears.” “Well I brought my own pears.” ~ Why can’t Ray Charles see his friends? Cause he’s married. ~ If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit. They’re usually around 90 degrees. ~ When my Grandad was 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit. He’s 70 now and we have no idea where he is. ~ Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? …….because they’re really good at it. ~ I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. it’s just something I could really see myself doing. ~ There are two monkeys in a bath tub. One says to another: oohoohahah! The other says: Maybe add a little more cold water. ~ Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months. ~ Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean ~ So this guy walks into his bedroom with a chicken under his arm. His wife is laying in bed. The guy says, “This is the pig I fuck when you are not in the mood.” ” You fucking idiot. That’s not a pig!” “I was talking to the chicken.” ~ Two fish are in a tank. One is driving and the other one is operating the gun. ~ Two soldiers are in a tank. They both drown. ~ A priest, a rabbi, and a whale walk into a bar. The priest says, “Well I believe Jesus Christ is the only begotten son of God and my lord and savior, so I’ll have some wine.” The rabbi says, “Well I don’t believe the messiah has yet walked the earth, so I’ll have Manischewitz wine.” The whale says “EEOONNHH” ~ what do you call a chicken coop with 4 doors? a chicken sedan. ~ Why aren’t there any knock knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings ~ What’s a hillbilly’s favorite thing to do on Halloween? pumpkin ~ What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction. ~ Where do animals go when their tails fall off? The retail store ~ What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish. ~ What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? You’re just going to have to be a little patient. ~ A magician was driving down the road when he turned into a driveway. ~ What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! ~ “I went to a zoo the other day. It was completely empty, except for a single dog. It was a Shih Tzu.” ~ “Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” ~ “I’m thirsty.” “Hi, Thursday, I’m Friday, let’s go out on a Saturday and have a Sunday.” ~ The only joke my dad ever told me was that he’d quit beating me. I was in stitches. ~ My all-time favorite: A man with carrots in his ears walks onto a bus, the bus driver says “Sir, why do you have carrots in your ears?” The man says “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, I HAVE CARROTS IN MY EARS!” ~ Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? They say he had locomotives. ~ Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”. ~ selah
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