White House Drug Party
On July 30, 2009, President BHO had a white man and a black man over to take drugs. They had a rather public disagreement, and BHO stupidly poured gasoline on the fire. Drugs were the answer. This is a repost.
There are those who will immediately scream that beer is legal. Yes, alcohol is legal, advertised on television, and served in the White House. It is also an addictive drug. If you take too much, it will kill you. It is easier to die using hard liquor, but the concept is the same.
There are a lot of people in the legal machinery because of drugs. Some of these drugs are legal, some are not. Your liver is not amused to hear that the alcohol it is processing is legal. Your lungs don’t care if cigarettes are legal. The worst thing about some drugs is the fact that there is a law against them.
In Dekalb County, there is something called drug court. If you are on this program, you go to endless meetings, and get screened for drugs. Every time a person is screened for drugs, a lab charges the county money to process the test. This money could be used to give school teachers a raise, or to repair the roads. Instead, it goes to testing the urine of people who got caught smoking pot.
Thursday, drug court was meeting at the same time as the White House drug party. PG attended as part of “Friends and Family” night. The alcohol industrial complex was not affected.
Hair
There is a tasteful feature on the innertubes now, A Few Good Reasons Why White People Should Not Wear “Mohawks” or Dreadlocks. Yes, this is another polemic about cultural appropriation. If you want to skip the text, and look at the pictures, no one will get mad. Or get even. If you read the text, you might get odd. It is your choice.
The gist of the tract is “When white people wear “Mohawks” or dreadlocks it twists those hairstyles into symbols of privilege rather than symbols of survival and resistance.” Little is known about why the Natives of Upstate New York wore their hair the way they did. Isn’t calling this hair choice “symbols of survival and resistance” playing into the game of misunderstanding non European cultures? Anthropology is not an exact science.
The tract is not well written. Maybe the author feels like using good grammar is appropriating someone else’s culture.
There is one part of the tract that had PG shaking his buzz cut head. This is a free country. Can’t I do whatever I want? This country has never been free for people of color/non-white people. Certainly, you can choose wear your hair however you want. Historically, however, people of color have not been able to make that choice. This is not why the Bronner Brothers are multi millionaires. Black Americans spend more on hair care products than the gross national product of many African countries.
Both mohawks and dreadlocks are high maintenance affairs. After his struggles with shoulder length redneck curls, PG is not about to shave the sides of a beaver tail every day. And dreadlocks have always seemed to be just a bit on the dirty side. The rastas are welcome to wear dreadlocks, as long as they pass the spliff.
One thing PG has wondered was answered as a result of this polemic. Did the Mohawk tribe really wear their hair that way? When you type “Did the Mohawk… ” into google, the rest of the phrase to pop up is “Did the Mohawk Indians have mohawks?” Someone else has wondered the same thing. Wikipedia has more information.
The mohawk (also referred to as a mohican in British English) is a hairstyle in which, in the most common variety, both sides of the head are shaven, leaving a strip of noticeably longer hair in the center. Though mohawk is associated mostly with punk rock subculture, today it has entered mainstream fashion. The mohawk is also sometimes referred to as an iro in reference to the Iroquois, from whom the hairstyle is derived – though historically the hair was plucked out rather than shaved. … The Mohawk and the rest of the Iroquois confederacy (Seneca, Cayuga, Onondaga, Tuscarora and Oneida) in fact wore a square of hair on the back of the crown of the head. The Mohawk did not shave their heads when creating this square of hair, but rather pulled the hair out, small tufts at a time. … Therefore a true hairstyle of the Mohawks was one of plucked-out hair, leaving a three-inch square of hair on the back crown of the head with three short braids of hair decorated.
They didn’t shave the sides of the head, they plucked the hair out. That does eliminate the need to shave the sides of your head every day. This is not the way the fashion conscious hair people do the modern mohawk. The question arises if this non authentic hairstyle is really cultural appropriation.
Part of the polemic took a question and answer format. “But, I wear my hair this way as a statement against oppressive cultures and governments. How is that racist?” “You can take a stand against oppression and dominant cultures without appropriating the cultures of the people being hurt by them. Appropriation actually enforces oppression, it does not stand against it. Appropriation is part of the problem, not part of the solution”
To paraphrase this, you can be anti racist without proudly avoiding high maintenance hairdoos. Especially one that bears little resemblance to the actual article.
There was a statement in yesterday’s post . “Black Americans spend more on hair care products than the gross national product of many African countries.” This was tossed out in a careless moment, which is not a good thing to do. Today’s post is an investigation. For purposes of this report, America’s gross national product is the republican party.
Finding out how much African Americans spend on hair care is more google intensive than this slack reporter imagined. Madame Noire has a feature, Black Women Spend Half a Trillion Dollars on Haircare and Weaves! Why? “Black women spend half a trillion dollars to keep our hairstyles tight, our weaves looking good and our “kitchens” tamed. Why do we do this?” The $500 billion figure might include pain and suffering. Target Market News is more conservative, reporting “Personal Care Products and Services – $6.66 billion”.
In the chatter about a Chris Rock movie, Good Hair, the phrase “9 billion dollar hair trade industry” is used. The Magazine Publishers of America report that advertising spending on “Hair Products & Accessories” was $1,242,700 in 2007.
The short answers are “a lot”, and “we don’t know”. It is probably less that $500 Billion. For the purposes of this feature, we will go with a conservative estimate. This would be Target Market News. Since not all “Personal Care Products and Services” are hair related, we will call our number Five Billion. This is probably a conservative figure, but for our purposes it will do.
The second part of the statement was “Black Americans spend more on hair care products than the gross national product of many African countries.” The numbers come from Wikipedia and the International Money Fund. There are sixteen African countries with GNP less than $5 billion. They include: Mauritania, Swaziland, Togo, Eritrea, Lesotho, Burundi, Sierra Leone, Central African Republic, Cape Verde, Djibouti, Liberia, Seychelles, The Gambia, Guinea-Bissau, Comoros, and São Tomé and Príncipe. The last seven have a GNP less than the amount spent advertising hair products and accessories for Black Americans.
This is a repost. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
Am I A Racist?
@Nero, the fun loving offspring of Mr. Trump, put up a tweet today. It was a silhouette image, with messed up hair. The text below read “You’re racist because you like other races a little too much. You might be suffering …” One commenter said “@Shallchair @Nero Holy shit this quiz is even worse than average. Almost every question is nonsense. Then again, I don’t do a lot of shitty quizzes.”
PG decided to Google am i a racist quiz. If you are interested in the results, read on. If you want to skip over the text, and look at the pictures (from The Library of Congress.), then PG will be hurt and offended. The pictures are from the the Galveston Bathing Review, 1926. This is a repost.
“Are You A Racist?,” by Quibblo, is apparently the test that @Nero took. “This test is to gauge whether or not you have racist tendencies. Answer truthfully, remember this is private so only you will know your results. There are varying degrees of racism and you should know exactly where you stand.” The Quibblo test is 10 multiple choice questions, like this one: “Out of this list, who do you admire the most ? David Duke, Nelson Mandela, Eminem, My mom or dad, George Bush, Jesus, Buddha, or the prophet Mohammed.” The result for PG: Not Really Racist “You don’t care about race. A person is a person and you judge people based on the individual. You have friends of all kinds of races, but you’ll probably marry your own race. You’re not averse to any particular race though. Suggestion: Live and Let Live Similar Personalities: Sammy Davis Jr., Bill Clinton, Bruce Lee”
“The How Racist Are You Test” is from helloquizzy. “yea it’s finally here. were gonna test you and see just how racist you really are” This is a series of yes/no questions. Some of the statements: “Have you ever met a person of a different race? Is there a certain race you don’t like? Do you think black people naturally have bigger d*icks?, Do you think white people can’t dance?” When PG tried to get the results, the page froze.
“Are You Racist? Quiz” is by ProProfs. “Have you ever thought about the act of racism? Do you ever wonder if you are a racist? This quiz will make you think about this topic more in depth and hopefully you will realize something new about your self that never occurred to you before you took this quiz. The main thing to remember while completing this quiz, is to be as honest as possible!” There are 10 multiple choice questions here. “What is your first reaction when seeing a Caucasian women with an African American child? “Awe he/she is so cute!” “Good for them.” “That child is probably adopted.” “I wonder if the father is in their life.” “She is so trashy!”. When you reach the end, and ask for results, nothing happens. The popup says, “We like you a lot, you can also like us.”
“The Racist Test” is from AllTheTests. “Are you racist? Are you tolerant of those of a different race? Take this test to find out!” This is 10 multiple choice questions. “Are you proud of your race? Oh yes! I am so proud of my race. Not really. Being proud of your race is idiotic. No, I am ashamed! ” The results here were unusual. “For 50 % you are: You are not racist. You believe people are equal. 40 % you are: You are racist, you hate mixed raced people and some races. For 10 % you are: You’re a very racist individual. You hate people who are not of your race and who are mixed raced.”
“How racist are you?” is from GotoQuiz. “Racism is judging someone by their ethnicity, something that is truly wrong and unwanted. Unsurprisingly, most people are against racists. However, there are a few who aren’t… But…are YOU racist? Did it ever cross your mind? Even once? If it did, then take this quiz and see just how racist you really are…you just might be surprised.” There are 13 multiple choice questions. “Do you wear pointy white hats? Yeah all the time, Yes, Sometimes, Rarely, No, NEVER! THAT’S RACIST” This quiz gave, possibly, the most accurate result. “You are 18% Racist… You’re a little bit racist. It’s human nature to be somewhat stereotypic, so for the most part you’re fine. But you could be less racist…. Thanks for taking the quiz. Hopefully you scored low and are not racist. But if you scored high…I strongly suggest you change your ways, because racism is wrong.”
At this point, it should be apparent that these tests are not to be taken seriously. They are flashy clickbait. Most of the answers are the least bad result, rather than the most right. The issues of systemic oppression in law enforcement, jobs, education, and housing are ignored in favor of talk about “pointy white hats.” Race relations are a serious matter, and they are not well served by superficial jibber jabber. The problem is, the overall “dialog” on race in America is just as trashy as these tests. Making insulting jokes about white sheets only goes so far.
Implicit association test is an attempt to be serious. This purportedly scientific test shows a slide show, and the viewer answers questions with the keyboard. Chamblee54 has taken the Implicit Association Test before, and was not impressed.
“The are you a racist Test” is from nerdtests. “this is a test just for fun to se if it is really as you say “what im not a racist” well i say prove it” There are 10 multiple choice questions. “what do you think of fat people- they are cute, why not, piggie piggie piggie, i think they came from uranus or something, they should be drenched wiht their own fat” “do you think of yourself as a rasist- Yes, No, maybe? The results: “For: not a racist 52% scored higher, and 47% scored lower. The average Raw Score is: 60.6, your’s was: 34.” If you understand that, you might be a nerd.
How To Tell If You’re A Racist. A Test. is from medium.com, a well meaning website. It is not an internet quiz, but a think piece. It has a list of statements, like “You don’t know or care what WoC stands for.” “You hide behind the etymology of the word “thug”.” “You remind people slavery is over.” “You bring up Oprah Winfrey in any discussion about the struggle of the black community.” Your score is based on how many of the statements apply to you. If you agree with 5 or more: “Yes. You are a racist. Learn more. Talk less.”
How racist are you? is from pollplace. “This is to see if your really racist or could care less who is black,white Mexican or green.” There are 6 multiple choice questions. “In the NBA there is about 75% more blacks than any other race.What do you feel about that. – Say I don’t know why blacks can’t play any better than whites etc. no way. Say that’s the way it should be blacks are way better. It doesn’t bother you,you are a fan of the NBA regardless. I have love for all NBA players,white,black,etc. Whatever it is,it’s fine with me.” The result: “How racist are you? You are another Martin Luther King Jr. You love everybody for who they are,I’m sure that someone of another race than yours asked for your last dollar you would give it to them.Well would you.”
Another Internet Squabble
Emory Law Professor’s Use of the “n-word” Shows Something Deeper was posted on GeorgiaPol. It was prompted by an incident, Emory … professor uses “n-word”. The post was the sort of post racial polemic that emerges daily. The supply of this rhetoric far exceeds the demand.
GeorgiaPol has a facebook page. They post a note on facebook when a post is published on the blog. The post about the professor was announced on facebook. The facebook announcement was illustrated by a historic picture. There was a sign, including the magic word, in front of a building.
One of the quirks of the n-word debate is who gets to use it. The *rule* is that black people can say it, and white people cannot. No one knows what authority made this rule, which is vigorously enforced at all times. In this case, the author of the piece, @LaDawnLBJJones, is an African American. She has the *right* to use the magic word. The problem is, the facebook post was on the page belonging to GeorgiaPol. Does a non-poc website have the *right* to use this forbidden phrase? Especially when promoting a post which denounces the use of this word? The n-word tribunal should issue a ruling on this colorful conundrum.
There was this exchange on GeorgiaPol. chamblee54 ““In 2018 America, if you have ever yelled the word in anger at the guy who cut you off, or thought it while watching television about the black person accused of a heinous crime, or even sat tacitly by while a white counterpart casually used the word … then I feel compelled to make this clear to you … there is something deeper about yourself you must address” This applies to GaPol. They posted a picture with the magic word on facebook. If it is wrong for a professor to use this word in class, it is wrong for GaPol to post a picture of it on facebook. Everything that is happening to the Emory Professor should now happen to GaPol.” LaDawn LBJ Jones @chamblee54 “there are people who contribute to GeorgiaPol who cannot say THAT word. But I assure you the person who wrote this absolutely can. And if you want to discuss the difference between you, them, and me then you are avoiding the self reflection this piece is about.” chamblee54 “Did you post that picture on facebook? I really don’t care if you use the magic word. However, when a non-poc website advertises a post, denouncing the magic word, by posting a picture of a sign that contains this word… maybe that is not a problem to you, but it is at the very least ironic. As far as “the self reflection this piece is about”… who says I don’t? Race talk gets shoved in your face every day. One more post about who can, or cannot, say the magic word is not going to make any difference.”
The discussion also happened on twitter. @chamblee54 .@LaDawnLBJJones just posted 1600 fire breathing words about an Emory law professor who used the magic word in a lecture. When advertising this post on facebook, .@georgiapol_com posted a picture including the same word, whose use was hysterically denounced in the post. @LaDawnLBJJones Yes I edited the meme. Not because it wasn’t perfectly appropriate for the post but because in my head I imagined some racist who LOVES the n-word enjoying seeing it far too much. I didn’t want to give them the pleasure.
The reply was curious to PG. The picture on facebook had not changed. As it turns out, there is a picture on GeorgiaPol that was edited. The picture at GeorgiaPol is easy to miss… PG did not see it until he started this post. The spectacle of a non-poc website posting a picture of the n-word, to advertise a post denouncing the use of the n-word, is just plain weird.
In a previous discussion on race, at GeorgiaPol, PG posted a link to a chamblee54 piece about the magic word. The link was ignored, while a side comment on Colin Kaepernick got responses. People are fascinated by hot dog distractions, and not interested in listening to other people. FWIW, PG has written about the n-word before. In another post, PG substitutes racist for the magic word, while quoting a bit of public television polemic. The results were surprising.
As for “the self reflection this piece is about” … if you read facebook, you are hit over the head with talk about racism every day. If you want to maintain your sanity, you have to filter most of it out. Try to treat people … no adjective required … with kindness and respect. If you are in a position to affect institutional oppression, then you should try to alleviate that. Whatever you do, don’t get caught saying the n-word, unless you are *qualified*. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress.
“]
I
During a recent facebook deterioration, on social issues, someone posted a 410 word statement. PG noted the promiscuous use of first person singular. A study ensued.
1 – I, or verb contractions using I, occurs 27 times in this statement.
2 – I was used in the first seven sentences. The eighth sentence did not have I, but did contain me.
3 – The tenth sentence does not have I, but does contain my.
4 – The last sentence has I five times. The first two have I three times. Six sentences use I twice.
5 – There are 410 words in this statement. There are 15 sentences. Six percent of these words are I.
6 – I is the shortest word in the English language. It is also possibly the least important.
Many people use the word I too often. The use of this word implies that the listener is interested in what the speaker thinks or does. When someone says I, the lips are usually moving. I is the central letter in both lie and believe. (As another FBF noted, I statements can be useful.)
This does not take away the controversy over what word, in the language, is the shortest. A British facility, the Daily Mail, ran a story,The shortest word in English? Depends on how you measure it
Q. We all know that the longest word in the English language is Floccinaucinihili-pilification, (Spell check suggestion:Oversimplification) meaning inconsiderable or trifling. But what is the shortest word in the English language?
A. This is a controversy that has divided the English-speaking community for more than a century. One faction, headed by Dr Robert Beauchamp from the Oxford English Dictionary, believes that the shortest word in the English language is ‘a’, while another faction, headed by Professor Melanie Kurtz from Chicago University, contends that it is ‘I’.
In his most recent book on the subject, Further Arguments In Favour Of A (OUP, £19.99), Dr Beauchamp claims that, though ‘I’ is arguably the thinnest word in the English language, ‘a’ is the shortest, in the sense that it is not as high.
Professor Kurtz, on the other hand, has argued in a number of pamphlets that, if one unravels the various loops and curls that form a single ‘a’, and stretch it into a single horizontal or perpendicular line, then the letter in question is undoubtedly longer than ‘I’.
Meanwhile, dissident scholars continue to argue the case for ‘o’ and for small ‘i’, though in broader academic circles the first is generally dismissed as not really a word and the second is felt to be questionable: they maintain that the gap between the little dot and the main body of the word/letter is a constituent part of the whole and cannot be discounted when it comes to the full measurement.
One of the comments is highly repeatable. “is it true…..the shortest sentence is ..I am. and the longest sentence…I do.?” – Tommy Atkins Blighty, 02/10/2009 18:45
In the digital age, capital letters are used less and less. If the lower case i is used as a first person singular, then it is both the shortest and the skinniest. The dot on the lower case i is known as the tittle. It is not known what the tittle thinks of the jot, or whether they believe each other.
For those not suffering platitude fatigue, here are the 21 Most Important Words in the English Language. The most important word: We ~ The two most important words: Thank You ~ The three most important words: All is forgiven ~ The four most important words: What is your opinion ~ The Five most important words: You did a good job ~ The six most important words: I want to understand you better ~ The least important word: I.”
A site called vocabula has a feature on the worst words in english. There are two phrases using I.
I mean Meaningless formula (a verbal tic, if you will) used habitually by many to begin nearly every sentence, especially those that are not intended to clarify anything preceding them. I need you to … A completely unacceptable replacement for “please.”
Since we cannot say, for certain, that I is the shortest word in the language, the uncertainty about the longest word should not be surprising. The longest word in German would be a short story by itself. According to Los Angeles Trade-Technical College “The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis. The only other word with the same amount of letters ispneumonoultra-microscopicsilicovolcanoconioses, its plural.” (Spell check suggestion:ultramontane-microscopicsilicovolcanoconioses)
Part two of this feature is about a popular contender for the longest word. It is known here as The S Word. Pictures are from The Library of Congress. This repost is written like H.P. Lovecraft.
There is a feature today on NPR discussing ” “What’s The Longest Word In The English Language?”. The old crowd pleaser antidisestablishmentarianism was dismissed as “Just a bundle of suffixes and prefixes piled up into a little attention-grabbing hummock.” It also has 28 letters, which won’t even get it into the playoffs.
When it comes to big words, there is nothing like science. In 1964, a book called “Chemical Abstracts” published a 1,185 letter word, referring to a protein found in the tobacco mosaic virus. It starts with glu and ends with sine. This word is 8.44 tweets long.
Words like glu…sine are not used often, which brings us to the obvious winner, Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. It is the theme song for a dance routine in a movie starring Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke , and a few dozen animated characters.
According to the urban dictionary, Miss Andrews was not fond of Rob Petrie. “It’s reported that Ms. Andrews replied, “Fuck you! I hate you!! You’re a ‘Supercalifragilisticexpialidouchebag’!!!! And get away from my door!! Why don’t you go eat “A Spoonful of Feces “!!!” (This problem might have been caused by SupercalifragilisticexpiHalitosis )
At 34 letters, the s word is the longest english word that most of us have heard of. While it probably was made up by over-imaginative songwriters, it is defined by a reputed dictionary. It translates as superkalifragilistikexpialigetisch (German), supercalifragilistichespiralidoso(Italian) and supercalifragilisticoespialidoso (Spanish). The French are too cool to use it.
A website called Straightdope has a highly entertaining feature called Is “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” a real word referring to Irish hookers? . “Our research first took us to a lawsuit that was filed after the movie came out by Life Music, Inc., against Wonderland Music, the publisher of the Mary Poppins song. It was a copyright infringement suit brought by Barney Young and Gloria Parker, who had written a song in 1949 entitled “Supercalafajaistickespeealadojus” and shown it to Disney in 1951. They asked for twelve million dollars in damages. The suit was decided in the Shermans’ favor because, among other reasons, affidavits were produced from two New Yorkers, Stanley Eichenbaum and Clara Colclaster, who claimed that “variants of the word were known to and used by them many years prior to 1949.”
The decision makes for fairly humorous reading. Apparently the judge got tired of writing out the whole word, so every time it had to be mentioned it was replaced by the phrase “the word” as if it were some loathsome artifact that had to be held at arm’s length. “
There is another story that has the s word appearing in a humor magazine at Syracuse University. An archivist named Mary O’Brien says that rumor surfaces every ten years or so, and is not true. Another old husbands tale has children in summer camps taught a song super-cadja-flawjalistic-espealedojus. This cannot be confirmed or denied.
As for the tale about Irish entrepreneurs , there is a story in Maxim magazine. It says “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, the word supposedly coined by Mary Poppins to make kids sound “precocious,” was actually invented by turn-of-the-century Scottish coal miners. It was used to request “the works” from prostitutes by men too shy to recite specific acts.” The link supplied by StraightDope does not work.
Tubby Boots
PG found Classic Television Showbiz while reserarching a recent feature about the late Sherwood Schwartz. The site is a treasure, with youtubes of classic tv shows, and interviews with “entertainers”. Somewhere in the sidebar was a link to a story about Tubby Boots. This is a repost.
Charles “Tubby” Boots was born around 1926 in Baltimore MD. He was a nightclub comedian. Mr. Boots weighed 375 pounds, had bleach blond hair, and often performed without a shirt. He wore pasties on his boobs, and would twirl them simultaneously in opposite directions.
The parts in blue are borrowed from Classic television showbiz. Tubby’s parents were a vaudevillian dance team called Boots and Barton. At the age of seven this youngster was clocking in at an astounding two hundred pounds, a constant target of ridicule in his Baltimore schoolyard….During his childhood, Tubby managed to witness a performance by comedy’s greatest cult icon, Lord Buckley … Tubby Boots recalled shortly before his death, “[Lord Buckley] was like a father figure to me. I met Buckley when I was seven years old when I was working at the Hippodrome in Baltimore, Maryland, and I was in awe of him. I saw his act every time he would come back to play the theater … I would sit in the theater all day and watch the shows. I’d stay out of school for the whole week – my mother would pack me a lunch – she knew what I was doing because I wanted to learn about show business. Buckley would do his hat-switching act. Every other show he would get me to do it with him. I’d hang out with him backstage, we’d go out for lunch or dinner, he’d sneak me back into the theater and I’d watch the whole stage show again. I started working nightclubs when I was eleven. I weighed 250 pounds and passed myself off as twenty-one. I got arrested in a strip joint and the police said: ‘We’re not going to throw you in jail but you’re not going to work in this town again – you’re too notorious.’ So they actually put me on a train and said ‘Where you wanna ticket to?’ I said, ‘New York.’ I didn’t run away – I was forced to leave. So when I got to New York I called Buckley and, pretending to sob, said, ‘My mama died in a car crash…my father was with her…’ Unbeknownst to me, he called my mother and told her, ‘He’s with me.’ So he got me a job at The Three Deuces, passing me off as twenty-one.” The Three Deuces was one of Manhattan’s major jazz holes in the thirties and forties, regularly featuring Dizzy Gillespie and Charlie Parker. Lord Buckley was connected to the jazz world for most of his career, performing in their clubs and utilizing a great deal of the Black hipster vernacular in his act.”
Mr. Boots got a job as the emcee for burlesque shows, frequently in traveling carnival shows. He was doing well, when Lord Buckley called him from Hollywood. Supposedly, there was a movie job waiting for Mr. Boots. When he got to California, he found out otherwise. “Tubby became affectionately known as Princess Lily. “He used to call me Princess Lily but Prince Charles of Booth was my title. Buckley used to say: ‘Lil! You had the misfortune to be born with the beautiful body of a woman in the ridiculous body of a man!””
In 1959, Mr. Boots was in a bizarre accident. He was taking a bath, and the controls for the hot and cold water were in another room. Lord Buckley was handling these controls, and poured scalding hot water into the tub. Mr. Boots was stuck in the tub, and was badly burned. He spent a week in the hospital, and was not friends with Lord Buckley later.
After he recovered, Mr. Boots moved to Miami Beach. He performed in motel lounges for many years, and developed a following. Comedy albums were becoming popular, and Mr. Boots contributed “Thin my be in but fats where its at”. The albums were sold at his shows. The legend is that no copies exist that were not autographed.
The various search engines are sketchy about Tubby Boots. The Lady Bunny tells about going to see Mr. Boots in a supper club on Long Island in the eighties. Reportedly Mr. Boots did well during the comedy club explosion of the eighties.
PG saw a show by Tubby Boots. It was December 1974, at a dingy Atlanta bar called The Cove. PG was hanging out with someone we will call McClain, who liked the drag shows at The Cove. The bar was a former electronics warehouse, with a sign for Ballantines Beer by the front entrance. Ballantines had not been sold in Georgia for a long time, but the sign stayed. This was on Monroe Drive, behind Piedmont Park. Tubby Boots was a friend of somebody, and did a show at The Cove one night.
If you can stand to look at the embedded video, you get an idea about his show. Forty years later, PG can remember a few of the jokes. There was a one liner about an *African American* who took a shit, and thought he was melting. There was a routine based on the role Katherine Hepburn played in “Suddenly Last Summer”. My boy is not queeyer, he’s carnivorous. After a while, the shirt came off, and he twirled pasties from his boobs in different directions.
After the show, PG talked to a black friend, who did not want to meet the comedian. Meanwhile, Tubby Boots and McClain were making out. Before long, McClain came over to PG, and said he wanted to go somewhere else. McClain died in July, 1992. Tubby Boots died in August, 1993. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
Citizen: An American Lyric
Citizen: An American Lyric is a book of prose poetry by Claudia Rankine. It has 169 pages, and was sponsored by The College of St. Benedict. PG accepted a copy of the book, on the condition that he create a work of art based on it. This blog post is the start of this commitment.
PG is up to page 11. So far, it is a series of paragraphs, that do not seem to connect to each other. PG generally favors stories, and biographies, to books of prose poetry sponsored by a university. The first couple of pages are about a student who asks another student to lean over during a test, so the non leaning student can copy answers off her page.
At the bottom of the page was a picture. Two recently built houses are on a road. The road sign in front says “Jim Crow Road.” This is eye catching. There really is a Jim Crow Road, in zipcode 30542, Flowery Branch GA. “Family says ‘Jim Crow Road’ doesn’t represent what you think” A man named Jim Crow lived there when he was alive, and is buried there now. His family, and neighbors, speak highly of the late Mr. Crow.
Page 7 is about a friend, who used to call someone, presumably Ms. Rankine, by the name of her black housekeeper. Pages 10 and 11 are about some incident at a school. Claudia talks about “John Henryism,” or the medical effects of dealing with racism. PG has experienced the fight or flight feelings when angry people, both black and white, go off on him for whatever reason. Is this “John Henryism,” or is that reserved for black people in their unpleasant dealings with white people? This is the first day of reading here. PG will return to this text later.
CAAL is divided into sections. So far, PG has got through the first three. One and three are brief prose poems, mostly about times when the author got her feelings hurt. Almost all of the incidents are what you might call microaggressions. Someone calls her by the name of someone else. A real estate agent says that she is comfortable with the friend of the author. It is not certain how the white reader is supposed to react to this. Since you were not a witness, you don’t know all the facts.
Part two is about Hennessy Youngman and Serena Williams. PG had never heard of Mr. Youngman, aka Jayson Musson, made youtube videos about being a black artist. The plan is to be angry. “White people want to consume your artwork, but they don’t want to understand you, because then you would be just like them, and the white audience don’t want the _____ artist to be like them, you know what I’m saying, it’s pretty simple.” Mr. Youngman says simple at 2:37 in the video. This speech was made in 2010. Mr. Youngman has not posted a video in six years.
The following language came in at 0:52 of the video mentioned in CAAL. “as a _____ artist, you can exploit the shit out of white people. and a lot of the guilt that white people have over shit that you don’t have no control over, burn my toast the other day, if I told some cracker on the street that I burned my toast and if I said it to him in a certain tone assert my anger I know he’ed apologize and most likely buy me some more toast.” PG has been the cracker on the street a few times.
Most of part two is about Serena Williams. PG does not follow tennis, and, until recently, was barely aware of who Ms. Williams was. In part two, the struggles of Ms. Williams are detailed. It is mostly questionable calls by tennis officials, sometimes followed by Serena Williams outbursts. CAAL does not paint a flattering picture of the tennis player.
In the last week, Ms. Williams was featured in the Colin Kaepernick Nike Commercial. Yesterday, Ms. Williams was in the news, after another incident involving an official. As noted earlier, PG does not follow tennis, and has no interest in this latest controversy involving Serena Williams. There is a limited amount of mental energy to use on controversies that involve a boring sport.
This is part one of the agreed upon art statement. PG might not be a good fit for this project. PG aknowledges the struggles of African America. PG also knows that he has a life, with its own privileges and struggles. Hennessy Youngman says that the way for an _____ artist to get ahead is to make white people feel guilty. At least that is what Mr. Youngman said in the first 2:37 of that video. PG did not listen to the rest. PG has seen the white guilt game in many forms. Maybe the answer is to go off on an authority figure. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. Part two and part three of this series are now available at an internet near you.
Namjoon or Nietzsche
This Is What it Means if Slow Walkers Make You Furious ~ Cocaine in Coca-Cola ~ Why We Took Cocaine Out of Soda ~ Namjoon or Nietzsche ~ Why some white Americans see racial equality as oppression ~ Vodka for Breakfast: On the Melancholy of Cheever’s Journals ~ Johnny Isakson On John McCain And…Life, Really ~ Is This the Stupidest Book Ever Written About Socialism? ~ KimKierkegaardashian ~ @KimKierkegaard I gave my name in Starbucks as «Death» and left, and when the barista called out my name three times Death entered & said «I’ve been summoned.» And the barista said, «Your matcha is ready.» And Death said, «Thanks.» And though I would not stop for death it kindly stopped for tea ~ come to the right side @willmenaker ~ John MacArthur Doesn’t Know Any Evangelical Churches Which Disrespect Minorities ~ ‘We Were Treated Like Criminals’: Black Pastors Who Were Racially Profiled Are Fighting Back ~ Gay History – August 28, 1981: The Day The AIDS “Epidemic” Officially Began ~ She Always Carries Jonquils ~ Reporter, Dystopia Beat ~ James Baldwin, The Art of Fiction No. 78 ~ Joe Rogan Experience #1158 – Chuck Palahniuk cheryl strayed ~ Jamie Brickhouse: Moth GrandSLAM Out of Bounds A New Pair of Cha Cha Heels 8 9 17 ~ jim goad ~ TIH 224: Joshua Chaplinsky on LitReactor, Chuck Palahniuk, and Juicy Hollywood Rumours ~ Using a phone while driving is illegal, but Georgia motorists don’t seem to care ~ KSU cheerleaders who knelt during national anthem cut from squad ~ tatto spelling fails ~ Pope Francis Verified account @Pontifex We Christians are not selling a product. We are communicating a lifestyle. ~ Vatican defends pope’s Twitter account despite attacks ~ nixon alcoholism ~ 11 drunkest presidents ~ All 43 Presidents, Ranked by How Hard They Partied ~ 9 Things People Get Wrong About Being Non-Binary ~ not political ~ @amconmag There are people with far, far more offensive racial views than Donald Trump or Tucker Carlson. If Trump and Tucker are “racists,” then what do you call those other people? ~ Calling Donald Trump ‘Alt-Right’ Only Empowers Real Racists ~ @realDonaldTrump I have asked Secretary of State @SecPompeo to closely study the South Africa land and farm seizures and expropriations and the large scale killing of farmers. “South African Government is now seizing land from white farmers.” @TuckerCarlson @FoxNews ~ UDC ~ United Daughters of the Confederacy & White Supremacy ~ getting facts right is a cuck move ~ Even funnier than the “white guilt” snowflake-letter to the NYT are the resumes of the snowflakes dispensing advice for the NYT ~ @chamblee54 .@tweetertation .@katrosenfield It is interesting to talk about *strategy* with regards to social justice jihad Demoze thought calling @realDonaldTrump racist would help defeat him it did not work interesting to hear about @CherylStrayed after @chuckpalahniuk did her dirty ~ N.Y. Times Got Hoaxed? Comic Claims Authorship of “White Guilt” Letter ~ Ben Shapiro Reads ‘White Guilt’ Troll Letter Sent to New York Times ~ Thomas Paine was an influential writer during the American Revolution. He was also a controversial character. When he died, this was printed. “He had lived long, done some good, and much harm.”– New York Evening Post, June 10, 1809. ~ Paine Obituary ~ A Rollicking French Animation on the Perils of Drinking a Little Too Much Coffee ~ identity politics is an expression invented by people who don’t like it. It you use the expression that means you are against it ~ @chamblee54 @KAnthonyAppiah @robertwrighter during talk about creating national identity, i thought of the before american civil war state identity was much stronger, compared to union identity, than it is today this was a cause of the war overlooked today for slavery trash talk ~ Hey friends who are at DragonCon? ~ Old-school eulogy at Aretha Franklin funeral ignites wrath ~ mollie tibbits ~ Childish Gambino – Feels Like Summer ~ ‘I went to my first orgy and loved it’ ~ blfc winner ~ There is a cancer moment. You realize the treatments are not working, and it is a matter of time. It is a sad moment, no matter what happened in the life that led up to it. ~ I found this podcast, and the subject is juicy hollywood gossip. It seems as though Lauren Becall was notoriously cheap. One day, she made her driver stop at craft services. She went inside, and stole several cases of soft drinks to take home with her. ~ A young girl would sit next to her grandfather on the couch. Gramps would get the girl to jack him off. Later, the girl went outside. There was a bird, without feathers, laying on the ground. The girl picked up the bird, and bent it in half. When the bird died in her hands. it felt like her grandpa’s penis as he ejaculated ~ @tweetertation @katrosenfield @CherylStrayed ~ On June 10, 1809, after the death of Thomas Paine, The New York Evening Post had this to say: “He had lived long, done some good, and much harm.” ~ pictures today are from The Library of Congress. ~ here is the poem from last night at java monkey:
a lot of people don’t have much pie ~ i was too stubborn to ever forget
all the money you made will never buy ~ back your soul at least i’m out of debt
satan always comes as a man of peace ~ see it from a different point of view
his mind is dirty but his hands are grease ~ feel like me see like me or be like you
you just kinda wasted my precious time ~ forsaken waters around you have grown
baby I was so much older than grime ~ here’s your throat back thanks for the loan
forsaken waters around you have grown ~ yesterday just a memory tonight
here’s your throat back thanks for the loan ~ name me someone that’s not a parasite
yesterday just a memory tonight ~ baby I was so much older then grime
name me someone that’s not a parasite ~ you just kinda wasted my precious time ~ selah
Armistead Maupin At DBF
When PG heard that Armistead Maupin was coming to the Dick Hater Book Festival, not going was out of the question. There were rumors of a film showing/Q&A on saturday, and PG scoured the DBF website, looking for information. When the film showing was finally put on the website, tickets were no longer available.
On the morning of the talk, PG fussed over which shirt to wear, settling on a purple t-shirt with no adornment. Next, PG called his friend “P” to make arrangements to meet at the First Baptist Church, site of Mr. Maupin’s appearance. The ring tone for PG calls on “P”‘s phone is “Tutti Frutti.” “P” had agreed to let a friend do laundry at his house, and had to jiggle the schedule a bit. “P” wore a tie dyed t-shirt, with a chest hair display hole below the collar. This all blends in nicely with the lavender shirt, pink suspenders, and Levis that Mr. Maupin wore.
The talk started at 1:15. PG arrived at 12:30, and snagged a prime parking spot. The talk was in the sanctuary, and PG found seats in the fifth row pew. The church house setting gave Mr. Maupin pause. He said something about using profanity, and the pastor said “Its all good.” Mr. Maupin then told the story of getting lubricated on maitais, and coming out to his neighbor. She said “big fucking deal.”
When PG arrived at the church, Mr. Maupin was standing in front of the auditorium. PG went down and shook his hand. “My blog is Chamblee54, and I am writing about this, so I am going to watch what you say.” Mr. Maupin looked sideways, as if to say “who does this guy think he is.” Later, while discussing gender transition, Mr. Maupin paused for a second, and said he manted to say this properly. He was watching what he said.
The talk was a delight, as everyone knew it would be. The *southern-ness* of his parents, moving to San Francisco, the Tales of the City series, and Rock Hudson all were discussed. The pbs lady who hosted the event said that Mr. Maupin was like the Forrest Gump of our generation. This went over about as well as PG telling Mr. Maupin to watch what he said.
At some point, the racial values of 1950s North Carolina came up again. It occurred to PG that this was a very white audience. He looked in the rows ahead of him, and to the side, and did not see any p.o.c. When the talk ended, PG was one of the first to stand up, and did a quick survey of the rest of the room. There may have been p.o.c. at this event, but PG did not see them. For painfully woke Decatur, this is an interesting development. You can welcome people all you want, but if nobody shows up, then nobody shows up.
PG spoke to Mr. Maupin one more time. While discussing the techno-gentrification of San Francisco, Mr. Maupin said that “Decatur is starting to look pretty good.” He then said that maybe you say Deck-a-tur. After the show was over, PG approached the stage, and told Mr. Maupin that the correct pronunciation was Dick Hater…. the town had been renamed Dick Hater in honor of the lesbian population. Mr. Maupin laughed, and acted like he had never heard that. A man with a DBF badge told PG “You’re making that up.”
Chamblee54 has featured Mr. Maupin one, two, three, four, five, six times. Pictures, for the text to go between, are from The Library of Congress.
Bulwer Lytton Part Two
The good always wins out when you observe matters from a distance, gasped Detective Inspector Fred Pickle, dangling from a meathook in a disused Balham slaughterhouse, but it didn’t, really, not for him, nor yet for the guy on clean-up. John Holmes, St. Petersburg, FL
It was a dark and stormy night: the wind whistled like an old man with drugstore teeth trying to teach his grandkids to say, “She sells sea shells by the sea shore,” causing the little shavers to wonder why Peepaw was suddenly talking like Daffy Duck, whether he’d just had a stroke, and if any of them was in the will. Mark Schweizer, Tryon NC
Under a lurid dawn sun, the Usher Property was less baleful than it had been during the past evening’s abode-splitting weather event, and my practiced realtor’s eye – have I not mentioned my profession already? – recognized development potential once the tarn was drained and fissure remediated, perhaps to build an outlet of shopping at which consumers would dawdle, aghast at the scale of discount savings. Brian Brus, Oklahoma City, OK
Although widely despised by his own kind, Kazimir Kilcescu was a hero to a few uninhibited vampires who adopted his “baby talk and Ugg boots” method of victim selection which, when applied correctly, largely eliminated the blood-curdling screams that otherwise left them the choice between letting their swooning prey go scot-free or choking down two liters of curdled O-pos.
Drew Herman, Port Angeles, WA
The summer afternoon was so fierce, Italy pulled off its boot, to wiggle toes in the cool blue sea, as hot Contessa Ravioli slid off her pantyhose. Don Hansbrough, Seattle, WA
He was a bold man, thought Arial Calibri, the typesetter’s daughter, but he wouldn’t recognize a superscript if it was underlined, believed that “strikethrough” was a baseball term, thought italics were people from Italy, and that sans serif was a Caribbean island. Sara Hough, Blacksburg, VA
Even in the noisy gloom of the Oyster’s Pearl, the most frequented bar in town, Sergeant Pete Harrison spotted her the moment she walked in–the young, tall blonde in a tight red dress that clung to her the way those stringy bits stick to a banana after you peel it.
Sylvi Warshaver-Stein, New York, NY
Unlike the effete bun-coiffed duennas back at the English Department, she was just the kind of unassuming dame you liked to find holding down a stool and nursing a smoke at the end of the bar — no more likely to decline a drink than a noun, casual when it came to conjugation, and disposed to end a sentence with a proposition. G. Andrew Lundberg, Los Angeles, CA
Priscilla was a persnickety, perspicacious, and petulant old prude, with a parsimonious purse brought on by pernicious poverty, prone to pettiness, and with an air of pusillanimous if not precarious ways, all proving that the worst things in life are pure pride of place and a pretense of presumptuousness brought on by pouting at the people who preferred prune juice over pilsner.
Linda J. Ashmore, Lynnwood, WA
Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. Part one was published Friday.
Kekcon At Dragoncon
It was a quiet labor day saturday. PG went to the Dragon Con parade last year, and swore never again. Things were going quiet this day, until a facebook friend posted a call to arms. Something called kekcon had a table at DC, promoting yet another fantasy convention. Somebody got the notion that kekcon was “anti-Semitic white supremacist dweebs.” There was a call to arms… kekcon needed to be kicked out of dragoncon. (If you are losing interest, and want to skip ahead to the pictures, no one will think any the less of you. The pictures are from The Library of Congress.)
PG went to the kekcon site, and did not see what was so terrible. PG then made the fateful decision to comment on the facebook thread… Luther Mckinnon “I looked at the Kekcom website, and I don’t see any “anti semetic white supremacist” talk. What is going on with this hatemongering?” Bill Ruhsam “Do some research.” Bill Ruhsam “Not on their website” Luther Mckinnon “Hey, you are the one throwing stones. SHOW A SOURCE FOR YOUR INFORMATION.” And the show was on. If you want to see the unedited version, go here. The post has been deleted.
Maryam Payne “It’s not that hard to connect the dots if you take a look at their Twitter account, if you’re genuinely not understanding it. You do know that white supremacist groups are going to try to fly under the radar and use coded language in larger forums, right? Because on their website, that’s obviously what they’re doing. Members of the made-up “nation” that they have hashtagged on their Twitter account was present (complete with flag) at Charlottesville. Guess which side they were on? (I’m not naming or linking any of this garbage, so you’ll have to look for yourself).” Luther Mckinnon “OK So you don’t like their opinions. They have the right to express these opinions. Why are you so special that you have the right to shout them down? Maybe YOU are the one who should be kicked out of your overcrowded costume party.” Mariana Pannell “Because their opinion lead to genocide and part of WW 2. They are not free of the repercussions of hate speech, no matter how coded the language is” Kekcon is guilty of saying offensive things, because they post a picture of a frog.
If you have ever been in an argument over religion, you recognize the stages. The first stage is where you are talking about ideas. One of the parties disagrees with some of the ideas, and their mind is not changed by the arguments offered in support of those ideas. The next phase is the personal insults.
Hope Ranker “What’s your bag, Luther? Crush on one of the organizers? Got called a gamergater at some point and didn’t know why? Or is all just fun political theory to you and you haven’t actually processed yet that Kekistan gamergaters literally find it fun to ruin people’s lives?” Luther Mckinnon Hope Ranker “We talked in a parking lot seven years ago. Until now, I am not a Dragon Con fan, or an Alt Right person. However, I am disgusted with political correctness run amok, which is what this seems to be. This will give me material for a blog post, but will be of little value to anything else.” Hope Ranker “Do some research, Luther. Pepe the frog. Kek. Gamergate. The culture around those things has literally been having fun at ruining people’s lives for years. This is not the post to educate you: It’s the thread for alerting people to the threat. If you want an education on the matter then go to Google. If you just feel stressed out and threatened by all this, then work out that stress somewhere else.” Is there an etymological connection between arrogant and airhead?
Hope Ranker is the facebook friend whose post PG saw. PG and Hope talked in a parking lot seven years ago, and became facebook friends. Since that time, there has been no interaction between the two people. This is a problem with facebook. People post things that should be of no interest to people, but, for some reason, it catches their eye. You can get dragged into a conversation you have no interest in. The only thing that got PG’s attention here is the ugly spectacle of people who decide that their opinions are the only ones that can be heard. In this case, once they get your attention, they refuse to answer basic questions, and tell you to go away. FWIW, Hope Ranker unfriended PG during this episode. Unfriending people, to punish them for having contrary opinions, is pathetic.
Luther Mckinnon “Last year, I went to the DC parade, dealt with the mob scene, and swore never again. This year, I get in a facebook quarrel with thought police. This is a much more comfortable way to participate.” Hope Ranker “This isn’t fun or comfortable for anyone else on this thread.” Hope Ranker “I know him, it did years ago. He’s not a first-hand alt-righter. He’s just accidentally spewing their arguments for them because he didn’t know what he got himself into.” Miranda Compton “What a Troll shit stirrer you are. Back off.” Luther Mckinnon Hope Ranker “I am not spewing anyone’s arguments. I am just asking for evidence for your claims. I did research, and did not find anything.” Hope Ranker “This is not the place to explain gamergate to you, Luther. It’s the place for coordinating a response to their threat. If you’re not here to help with that then please show yourself out.” Luther Mckinnon “Eventually I will leave. The more you argue with me, and insult me, the longer I will be here. I don’t see much coordination going on. Just insulting someone who asks what you are talking about. All you have to do is show a link. The only link I have seen in this thread is to the discredited SPLC.” Bill Ruhsam Luther Mckinnon “you are choosing to stand by racists and misogynists and fascists. That makes you complicit Congratulations. You’re an alt-right bigot.”
Sheerluc Birchfield sent the SPLC. link in a private message. Luther Mckinnon “the splc is discredited plus, that article does not say what is wrong with kekcon, other than having a picture of pepe on their site” Sheerluc Birchfield “O it says quite a bit about what’s wrong with those people. I can see I made a mistake by trying to help. You said you did your research but obviously you did very light and sloppy research. Hope was right on the mark for deleting and blocking you.” *You Cannot Reply To This Conversation* This is where the story ends.
Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest 2018
The Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest for 2018 has finally been relaeased. It usually appears the first week of August, but for some reason was late this time. “Since 1982 the Bulwer Lytton Fiction Contest has challenged man, woman, and (precocious) child to write an atrocious opening sentence to a hypothetical bad novel.” It is named for Sir Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, a Victorian novelist of some note. This year, we learn that EGBL wrote the phrase, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” Rumor has it that the space after pen was a post mortem bowlderization.
PG has been writing about the BLFC for many years, and was anxious about the late arrival this year. The contest web page has a new look, which is appreciated. Sir Bulwer-Lytton cleaned up good when it was time to paint his portrait. Unfortunately, the overall contest winner is presented as a .jpg, which means the text cannot be pasted. Here is the 2018 winner.
As a value added feature of BLFC coverage, PG compiles a list of contestants with funny names. Inclusion on this list is not an indication of being a bad writer, or a good writer of bad prose. Here is the cheat sheet: Shelley Siddall, West Kelowna, BC, Canada, Bridget Parmenter, Katy, TX, Mark Wisnewski, Flanders, NJ, Aasha Sankpal, Monroe, CT, Thomas Purdy, Roseville, CA, Ralph Cutting, Kingston Upon Thames, England, Jay Dardenne, Baton Rouge LA, Talha bin Hamid, Karachi, Pakistan, Peter Seakat, Rochester, NY, Shea Charkowsky, Santa Clara, CA, Hwei Oh, North Balgowlah, Sydney, Australia, Marsha Engelbrecht, Lafayette, LA, Sylvi Warshaver-Stein, New York, NY, Ava Zaleski, Lisle, IL, Brent Guernsey, Springfield, VA, Ben Handy, Philadelphia, PA.
Two of the writers this year are from Georgia. One of them is somebody. They are given special status in the Chamblee54 BLFC report. This year, the C54BLFC confab is posted over Labor Day weekend, along with Dragon Con, The Dickhater Book Festival, Burning Man, and more fabulicity than most people can process.The pictures for the post today are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”.
Phoebe sighed happily as she read the text from Mark asking her to be “friends with benefits,” as she thought maybe, just maybe, she would finally get that 401k and dental insurance.
Amber Burns, Calhoun, GA
In preparation for visits by African dignitaries, we had redecorated the West Wing of the White House in an African motif with numerous artificial plants and animals, but the President asked that we remove the papier-mache wildebeests, saying he was “tired of fake gnus.”
Wm. “Buddy” Ocheltree, Snellville, GA
Dreaded Pirate Larry was somewhat worried, as he looked down at his boot, where his first mate was stretched out, making whooshing sounds, attempting to blow him over, that despite having the fastest ship, the most eye patches, and the prettiest parrots, his crew may need a few lessons on the difference between literal and figurative, as evidenced by the rest of the crew applying ice to the timbers. Shelley Siddall, West Kelowna, BC, Canada
I knew that dame was trouble as soon as I set eyes on her, see: there was a stain on her clingy dress, wine, difficult to get out (you notice these things when you’ve been in the business as long as I have); there was a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of her high heel, cherry, that would leave a gristly pink trail following her every step (you pick up on these things when you are as experienced as I); and when she coolly asked me directions to the detective’s office, I pointed her down the hall and went back to mopping the floor. Bridget Parmenter, Katy, TX
Nothing looked familiar to Travis, who, recalling a favorite line from Tolkien — “Not all those who wander are lost” — reckoned the “not all” part implied that most who wander, like himself, are in fact lost, yet buzzards would pick his bones before he would think to ask for directions.
Dr Joel Phillips, West Trenton, NJ
My escape from heavily-guarded Cochon Island, a Hungarian penal colony founded by the Gabor sisters, would have to be well-planned and faultlessly executed, I thought to myself, “and I’m just not the right man for it,” so I stayed and lived out my days there, because having a Gabor slap you around wasn’t that bad, especially when they said “dahling” afterwards. Kevin M. Kinzer, Spokane, WA
“Pooh,” said Piglet inquisitively, “I don’t believe the quantum interplay of dark energy and black holes allows for the anti-matter superposition of a Higgs-Boson vector that you are postulating transported you thru an n-dimensional carbon lattice and got you stuck in the hunny tree . . . just sayin’.”
Tim Metz, Kokomo, IN
For rookie detective Lara Stinson, the hardest aspect of her most recent case was not discovering that the adolescent victim had been thrown from the tenth story of the apartment building by his own grandmother, but rather trying to spell “defenestration by octogenarian” in her subsequent report. Thomas Purdy, Roseville, CA
Inspecteur Rollin of the Paris murder squad lit a cigarette as he stood over the body of la prostituée engorgée (to those readers who don’t know French, a prostitute with her throat cut and, indeed, how else would one describe her — la pute, la fille de joie, la vendeuse de sexe, la travailliste de la rue?) which lay on the Voie Georges Pompidou under the arches of le Pont Neuf on the rive droite of la Seine which flows through the most beautiful city in the world.
Ralph Cutting, Kingston Upon Thames, England
Who knew what answers the elongated, odd-shaped gray trunk would reveal, but there was no doubt that in solving the mysterious homicide at the zoo the great weight of evidence pointed to the elephant in the room. Jay Dardenne, Baton Rouge LA
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