Chamblee54

How many South Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazillian. ~ My grandpa has the heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo. ~ What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way ~ So a squirrel living in a pine tree one day feels a shaking, looks down, and sees an elephant climbing the tree. The squirrel asks: “What are you doing climbing my tree?” ” Well, I’m coming up here to eat some pears” “You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears.” “Well I brought my own pears.” ~ Why can’t Ray Charles see his friends? Cause he’s married. ~ If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit. They’re usually around 90 degrees. ~ When my Grandad was 65 he started running a mile a day to keep fit. He’s 70 now and we have no idea where he is. ~ Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? …….because they’re really good at it. ~ I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. it’s just something I could really see myself doing. ~ There are two monkeys in a bath tub. One says to another: oohoohahah! The other says: Maybe add a little more cold water. ~ Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months. ~ Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop, and a lobster with breast implants? Ones a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean ~ So this guy walks into his bedroom with a chicken under his arm. His wife is laying in bed. The guy says, “This is the pig I fuck when you are not in the mood.” ” You fucking idiot. That’s not a pig!” “I was talking to the chicken.” ~ Two fish are in a tank. One is driving and the other one is operating the gun. ~ Two soldiers are in a tank. They both drown. ~ A priest, a rabbi, and a whale walk into a bar. The priest says, “Well I believe Jesus Christ is the only begotten son of God and my lord and savior, so I’ll have some wine.” The rabbi says, “Well I don’t believe the messiah has yet walked the earth, so I’ll have Manischewitz wine.” The whale says “EEOONNHH” ~ what do you call a chicken coop with 4 doors? a chicken sedan. ~ Why aren’t there any knock knock jokes about freedom? Because freedom rings ~ What’s a hillbilly’s favorite thing to do on Halloween? pumpkin ~ What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction. ~ Where do animals go when their tails fall off? The retail store ~ What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish. ~ What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? You’re just going to have to be a little patient. ~ A magician was driving down the road when he turned into a driveway. ~ What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh! ~ “I went to a zoo the other day. It was completely empty, except for a single dog. It was a Shih Tzu.” ~ “Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” ~ “I’m thirsty.” “Hi, Thursday, I’m Friday, let’s go out on a Saturday and have a Sunday.” ~ The only joke my dad ever told me was that he’d quit beating me. I was in stitches. ~ My all-time favorite: A man with carrots in his ears walks onto a bus, the bus driver says “Sir, why do you have carrots in your ears?” The man says “WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU, I HAVE CARROTS IN MY EARS!” ~ Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? They say he had locomotives. ~ Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”. ~ selah