The American Flag As An Advertising Gimmick
PG was riding his bike on Skyland Drive Sunday, and saw a new flag in almost every front yard. The flags were put there by a realtor, advertising her services. Two of the flags had fallen down, and one was in the street. This is not respect for the flag.
The flags were an advertising gimmick. The odds are that most of them will not be treated with respect. Many will be thrown away. The proper way to dispose of a tattered flag is by burning. These flags are plastic, and would realease toxic chemicals into the air if burned.
PG sent an email to the realtor. This message is copied below. Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”
On a recent visit to Skyland Drive, it was noted that you were distributing American Flags as an advertising gimmick. Two of these flags had fallen to the ground, and one was in the street. It is likely that many of these flags will not be appreciated, and treated with respect, by their new owners.
The U.S. Flag Code has explicit regulations for the use of the American Flag. Several of these apply to your distribution of the flag.
It is the universal custom to display the flag only from sunrise to sunset on buildings and on stationary flagstaffs in the open. However, when a patriotic effect is desired, the flag may be displayed twenty-four hours a day if properly illuminated during the hours of darkness.
No disrespect should be shown to the flag of the United States of America; the flag should not be dipped to any person or thing. Regimental colors, State flags, and organization or institutional flags are to be dipped as a mark of honor.
The flag should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water, or merchandise. The flag should never be fastened, displayed, used, or stored in such a manner as to permit it to be easily torn, soiled, or damaged in any way. The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything.
The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever. It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like, printed or otherwise impressed on paper napkins or boxes or anything that is designed for temporary use and discard. Advertising signs should not be fastened to a staff or halyard from which the flag is flown.
No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform. However, a flag patch may be affixed to the uniform of military personnel, firemen, policemen, and members of patriotic organizations. The flag represents a living country and is itself considered a living thing. Therefore, the lapel flag pin being a replica, should be worn on the left lapel near the heart.
The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.
Patriotism For Skeptics
This is a double repost from this time four years ago. They were originally posted in a red, white, and blue font. This is one mistake which will not be repeated, at least not today.
Both features are on the theme of patriotism for skeptics. America has given me a good life, and I appreciate this. The problem is crooks and liars who make patriotic noise while robbing you blind. They think that waving the flag will distract you from their thievery, and often they are right.
These features were originally posted forty eight months ago. A few things have happened in that time. The economy has gone from bad to horrific. Lots of carbon dioxide has been pumped into the atmosphere, which may not affect us for a while, but probably will. The Gulf of Mexico has been poisoned. Israel killed women and children in Gaza, and is threatening to do the same in Iran. Meanwhile, Iran had a crooked election, and the people fought back. This is similar to what is going on in Egypt, Tunisia, Libya, and Syria.
The US dollar, with all its problems, is still the preferred currency of the world. There was speculation a while back that the Euro would replace the dollar in this role. The Euro is in worse shape than the dollar these days. All is not hopeless.
The U S of A elected a dark skinned man POTUS. Many said that race relations would be different, but that has not worked out very well. The combat troops were withdrawn from Iraq, but Babylon is still in a world of hurt. The new POTUS discovered the wonders of robomurder eight time zones away, and has wasted many women and children. Nuclear armed Pakistan gets more edgy every day. Maybe the best thing to do is live in the past, and enjoy some repeat posts. Pictures are from The Library of Congress. These images are Union Soldiers from the War Between The States.
The following is a repost . It was originally published in a red, white, and blue font. As a service to the readers, today’s posting will be in green. Yellowdoggrannie is going strong, and has not forgiven W.
I read an item at yellowdoggrannie’s place this morning. It was a link to a video about the writing of the Star Spangled Banner. YDG said it made her cry. It set off my BS detector. I am not a history buff. I do know that the War of 1812 was not the most glorious part of American History.
In 1812, Napoleon was on a rampage, but about to screw up. He invaded Russia on June 24, just six days after the U.S. Congress gave approval to “Mr. Madison’s War”. According to St. Wikipedia, the declaration passed by the smallest margin of any war declaration in American History.
The War was caused by several things. The British were “impressing” sailors for duty in their Navy. Among the deserters and British subjects were some Americans. The British were supporting the Native Americans who were fighting the white man. There was also some talk ( in Washington) about annexing territory in Canada, either to keep, or to use as a bargaining chip with the British.
On the East side of the Atlantic, England had a change of government at this time, towards a regime that wanted peace with America. This being the early nineteenth century, word of this development did not make it to America in time to stop the War.
The War went on for a couple of years. It distracted the British from fighting Napoleon, and was a strain on the young American republic. In the Summer of 1814, negotiations were underway to end the conflict. The British launched a few military campaigns to put pressure on the U.S.A. Washington D.C. was captured and burned. The next move was the capture of Baltimore.
This is where the video begins its tale. Where the video said hundreds of British ships, Wikipedia says 19. An attorney, Francis Scott Key, was negotiating the release of an American POW. He secured his release, but they could not leave until the bombardment of Fort McHenry was complete.Here is an account of the story:At Fort McHenry, some 1,000 soldiers under the command of Major George Armistead awaited the British naval bombardment…. The attack began in the evening of September 13, as the British fleet of some nineteen ships began pounding the fort with Congreve rockets (from rocket vessel HMS Erebus) and mortar shells (from bomb vessels HMS Terror, HMS Volcano, HMS Meteor, HMS Devastation, and HMS Aetna). After an initial exchange of fire, the British fleet withdrew to just beyond the range of Fort McHenry’s cannons and continued to bombard the American redoubts for the next 25 hours.Although 1,500 to 1,800 cannonballs were launched at the fort, damage was minimal.
After nightfall, Cochrane ordered a landing to be made by medium boats to the shore just west of the fort, away from the harbor opening on which the fort’s defense was concentrated….Operating in darkness and in foul weather, the diversionary attack failed. On the morning of September 14, the 30 ft (9.1 m) × 42 ft oversized American flag, which had been made a few months before by local flagmaker Mary Pickersgill and her 13 year old daughter, flew over Fort McHenry, and Cochrane and Brooke knew that victory had eluded them
Mr. Key saw the flag the next day. He wrote a poem to the tune of a British drinking song, “To Anacreon in Heaven”. The song was made the National Anthem in 1931, and has been (badly) sung ever since. Two extra words, “Play Ball”, were added later.
On September 24, the Treaty of Ghent ended the conflict. The verdict was “status quo ante bellum”. In other words, nothing was changed by the death of those men. The war was, in effect, over when the Battle of Baltimore was fought. The word of the treaty did not reach America for a few weeks. (The Battle of New Orleans was fought after the end of the War.)
The video said the Flag at Fort McHenry was held up through the night by men, many of whom died. This might be true. It is also true that the negotiations were about to yield fruit. It would take a few weeks for word of the Battle of Baltimore to reach Europe, at which point the War was already over. Status Quo Ante Bellum.
Patriotism is one of the games that almost everyone plays. The rules seem to vary.
In 1967, JSM was flying planes in Nam, I was in the eighth grade, and BHO was in the first grade. He was in Hawaii, which might have been where JSM went for R&R if Hanoi did not have other ideas. America was about to hit a turning point about the Vietnam War. At first people were supportive, albeit without much enthusiasm. Opposition started to arise, and was frequently confused with treason. As the war dragged on, the homefront began to see things differently.
To this reporter, many of the patriots of 1967 were the ones who opposed the war. The conflict in Indochina was to cause many problems for the United States. Eventually, Richard Nixon got a fig leaf treaty that he called Peace with Honor. The early opposition was heard, but not after losing more than fifty eight thousand fine men.
That is the first way to be a patriot…to keep an eye on the government, and speak out in opposition when it is needed. Another way is to keep the United States strong and healthy. One way to do this is work hard and pay taxes. Now, the conservative windbags whine loudly about paying taxes. They want to pay for the current war by cutting taxes to make the economy grow. If we had no taxes at all the economy would grow even more.
The war in Babylon was an experiment in war without sacrifice. There was a tax cut when it was apparent we were planning an invasion. The national debt has gone out of control, and the federal reserve bank has cut the interest rates. The result is that the dollar is not worth as much as it once was. The oil market is based on the dollar. Oil is just as valuable as ever. The dollar is not, and it takes more dollars to buy a barrel of oil. This is an important factor in the rise of gas prices.
The way to keep America strong is to follow the three basic rules of the workplace: show up, stay awake, don’t kill anyone The citizens of the United States are a remarkable group of people. One way to be a patriot is to show respect for these people, and for yourself.
Another way to help America is to quit consuming so much. If we drove smarter, we would not need as much gasoline. We would not be so big if we didn’t eat as much. Maybe you can put a sweater on in the winter instead of turning up the thermostat. We are heading in this direction, but have a way to go.
Much of what you hear and read is not true. The so called conservatives are just as guilty as the so called mainstream media. Think for yourself. The freedom to think is a part of America that you are sometimes discouraged from exercising, but it is important.
This is a dangerous world, and we have a military to keep them away from our borders. We are also involved in a tough war of our own choosing. It is to be hoped that our next President will find an acceptable conclusion to this conflict.
Meanwhile, this is the fourth of july. It is a day to enjoy the good life we have here. America is a fine country. It has given me a good life. While I am not blind to the problems, there is no where else I would rather be.
Instant Gratification Through Bad Writing
If bad writing does not make you smile, what is the point? PG thought that the The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest was fun, and that another post of the participants would be festive. This was before he copied the 2011 “winners”, and started to edit. Yes, a few were enjoyable, but after a while they were, mostly just dumb. While stupid does have a place in the world, it is asking a lot to expect someone to read through 3000 words of bad writing.
The plan was to go through the pile, and mark the ones that made the cut. When the first runner up was disposed of, PG wondered if there was going to be enough bad writing to compile a respectable post. The category winners turned out to have little meaning. Despair was setting in, when the winner of the Romance category appeared.
As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand – who would take her away from all this – and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had. Ali Kawashima, Greensboro, NC
Anyone from Georgia was to be admitted, but none were present. North Carolina had an abundance of awful, and somebody from Seattle was a repeat offender. Geography may or may not influence bad writing. On the next go round of editing, names of the offenders will be reviewed. It has been noted how many people in obituaries have funny names. Will this hold true for people whose writing makes you wish they were dead?
Here is the honor roll, of bad writers with funny names. Patty Liverance, Grand Rapids, MI, Betsy Replogle, Nichols Hills, OK, Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA, Andrew Allingham, Fairfax, VA, Marvin Veto, Greensboro, NC, Donna P. Titus, Freeland, PA, Mark Wisnewski, Flanders, NJ, D. Drake Daggett, Omro, WI. Now, without any further ado, here are the chosen samples. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
Winner Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.
Sue Fondrie,Oshkosh, WI
From the limbs of ancient live oaks moccasins hung like fat black sausages – which are sometimes called boudin noir, black pudding or blood pudding, though why anyone would refer to a sausage as pudding is hard to understand and it is even more difficult to divine why a person would knowingly eat something made from dried blood in the first place – but be that as it may, our tale is of voodoo and foul murder, not disgusting food. Jack Barry, Shelby, NC
Wearily approaching the murder scene of Jeannie and Quentin Rose and needing to determine if this was the handiwork of the Scented Strangler – who had a twisted affinity for spraying his victims with his signature raspberry cologne – or that of a copycat, burnt-out insomniac detective Sonny Kirkland was sure of one thing: he’d have to stop and smell the Roses.
Mark Wisnewski, Flanders, NJ
The victim was a short man, with a face full of contradictions: amalgam, composite, dental porcelain, with both precious and non-precious metals all competing for space in a mouth that was open, bloody, terrifying, gaping, exposing a clean set of asymptomatic impacted wisdom teeth, but clearly the object of some very comprehensive dental care, thought Dirk Graply, world-famous womanizer, tough guy, detective, and former dentist. Terri Daniel, Seattle, WA
The executioner sneered as the young queen ascended the stairs to the guillotine; in the old days, he thought, at least there was some buildup, a little time on the rack or some disemboweling, but nowadays everyone wants instant gratification. Andrea Rossi, Wilmington, NC
LaTrina – knowing he must live – let her hot, wet tongue slide slowly over Gladiator’s injured ear, the taste reminding her of the late June flavor of a snow chain that had been removed from a tire and left to rust on the garage floor without being rinsed off. Betsy Replogle, Nichols Hills, OK
Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks. Patty Liverance, Grand Rapids, MI
Deep into that particular wet Saturday night ugly blues screamed out from the old man’s horn like a hooker being hauled down a flight of stairs, regular thick loud thumps punctuated by nasty and erratic sharp barks. John Benson, Carthage, MO
She held my hand as if she were having a swollen barrel of fun which was off considering that my teeth were sitting on my bathroom cabinet (eight miles away, no less) and my elbow was peeling like a soggy coconut, the fine hairs of which were standing on edge in fear, as if the coconut had been reading “Dracula.” James Hearn, Canterbury, Kent, U.K.
As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand – who would take her away from all this – and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had. Ali Kawashima, Greensboro, NC
Deanna waited for him in a deliberate pose on the sailor-striped chaise lounge of the newly-remodeled Ramada, her bustier revealing the tops of her white breasts like eggs – eggs of the slightly undercooked, hard-boiled variety, showing a nascent jiggle with her apprehensive breath, eggs that were then peeled ever-so-carefully so as not to pierce the jellied, opaque albumen and unleash the longing, viscous yolk within – yes, she lay there, oblong and waiting to be deviled.
Meredith K. Gray, Ithaca, NY
They called her The Cat, because she made love the way she fought, rolling rapidly across the floor in a big, blurry ball of shrieking hair, fury, and dander, which usually solicited a “Shut up!” and flung shoe from one of the neighbors, and left her exhilarated lover with serious patchy bald spots and the occasional nicked ear. Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA
She gazed smolderingly at the mysterious rider, his body cloaked in enough shining black leather to outfit an Italian furniture store, wrapped so tightly each muscle stood out like a flamboyant Mexican hairdresser at an Alabamian monster truck rally; and he met her gaze with an intensity that couldn’t have been matched by even a starving junkyard dog in the meat aisle of a suburban supermarket. Chris Kemp, Annapolis, MD
Morgan “Bamboo” Barnes, Star Pilot of the Galaxia (flagship of the Solar Brigade), accepted an hors d’oeuvre from the triangular-shaped platter offered to him from the Princess Qwillia – lavender-skinned she was and busty, with two of her four eyes what Barnes called “bedroom eyes” – and marveled at how on her planet, Chlamydia-5, these snacks were called “Hi-Dee-Hoes” but on Earth they were simply called Ritz Crackers with Velveeta. Greg Homer, Placerville, CA
Sterben counted calcium bars in the storage chamber, wondering why women back on Earth paid him little attention, but up here they seem to adore him, in fact, six fraichemaidens had already shown him their blinka. Elizabeth Muenster, Columbia, PA
Within the smoking ruins of Keister Castle, Princess Gwendolyn stared in horror at the limp form of the loyal Centaur who died defending her very honor; “You may force me to wed,” she cried at the leering and victorious Goblin King, “but you’ll never be half the man he was.”Terri Daniel, Seattle, WA
Monroe Mills’ innovative new fabric-dyeing technique was a huge improvement over stone-washing: denim apparel was soaked in color and cured in an 800-degree oven, and the company’s valued young dye department supervisor was as skilled as they came; yes, no one could say Marilyn was a normal jean baker. Marvin Veto, Greensboro, NC
Milton’s quest for the love of Ms. Bradley was a risk but no sorry trivial pursuit, yet he hadn’t a clue why she had a monopoly on his heart’s desires – in fact, it boggled his mind and caused him great aggravation because, in his checkered and troubled careers, he had always scrabbled hard and it drove him bonkers that she considered life just a game. Linda Boatright, Omaha, NE
The laser-blue eyes of the lone horseman tracked the slowly lengthening lariat of a Laredo dawn as it snaked its way through Dead Man’s Pass into the valley below and snared the still sleeping town’s tiny church steeple in a noose of light with the oh-so-familiar glow of a Dodge City virgin’s last maiden blush. Graham Thomas, St. Albans, Hertfordshire, U.K
Sunburned and lost, Jake tightened the noose around Randy’s diaper-white neck and growled, “Any last words, varmint?” to which Randy replied, “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb, Jake – that’s where all the fruit is!” which marked the first and last time Jake and the boys hired a life coach to lead one of their cattle drives. Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA
Business was kinda slow at the “If You Build It” sperm bank.
Simon Petrie, Hawker ACT, AUSTRALIA
No one walked down Bleak Street at night – not where hobgoblins hobnobbed, skeletons skulked, vampires vamped, and the dumpster behind the Chinese buffet smelled like zombies.
Bill Hartmann, Dallas, TX
The beast lumbered toward the maiden, its fetid breath announcing its presence to her (since she couldn’t see him due to the blindfold her captors had tied around her head), its jaws gaping open like a sub sandwich with too much meat, so that no matter how hard you try, you can’t possibly keep the lettuce or the tomatoes from squeezing out onto the table or, worse, your lap.
Donna P. Titus, Freeland, PA
All the signs, both actual and imagined, made it immensely clear there was trouble ahead for Marlene and, yet, her childlike sense of hope that maybe he was “the one” kept her foot on the accelerator pedal of life even when she came to the “bridge out” warning handwritten in Magic Marker on Myron’s Polident cup. Karen Arutunoff, Tulsa, OK
Maggie said they were birthmarks and they very well could be, but the three very small black moles in a horizontal line just above her right eyebrow looked like an ellipsis to some, but to others who did not know what an ellipsis was, they looked like three very small black moles in a horizontal line just above Maggie’s right eyebrow. Betty Jean Murray, Richland, TX
As she downed the last Dixie cup of Listerine and let every drop of its 21.6 percent alcohol content hit her like an icy mint anti-cavity brickbat, Karen squinted at the breasts dangling like two electrocuted ospreys from the powerline of her heart and, with a despondency born of a thousand nights spent gaining a decent skill level at internet mahjong, wondered how she and they had all three sunk so low. Anna Springfield, Raleigh, NC
Her flaming red hair whipped in the wind like a campfire, stroking the embers of passion hidden within the hearth of my heart and I began to burn with a desire that seared me to my very core – oh the things that I would do if only I weren’t incarcerated for arson!
Aubrey Johnson, Edmonton, AB, Canada
Carmela’s knees buckled and she (a responsible consumer) collapsed down onto the sidewalk, as her environmentally green grocery bag bounced – spewing forth organic mixed lettuces, crispy eco-friendly cucumbers, juicy natural cherry tomatoes, home-grown herbs – while in perfect synchronization, a recyclable plastic bottle burst open, spraying droplets of Lite-Italian dressing upon the freshly tossed salad. Margie Parker, Weeki Wachee, FL
After five years as a freelance writer, Greg finally managed to double his income, letting him add a processed cheese product slice to the baloney sandwiches he had for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Lawrence Person, Austin, TX
They kissed with the fury and suction of a dart that was shot onto the back of the bus driver’s fat bald head by the red-headed kid that was too big for his age (the rumor was he was “held back”) and everyone knew was going to end up in prison, or perhaps a prop comic if he straightened out in time. D. Drake Daggett, Omro, WI
Urgh the howler monkey was sort of the leader of his troop, though not old enough to be a silverback and not having fathered more than a couple of sons, but he did know where the good berries were and how to avoid the leopards, anacondas, and especially the hairless apes, the ones who crashed through the forest only to stand behind a tree and breathe noisily, and watch them and sometimes leave bunches of those disgusting bananas. David S. Nelson, Falls Church, VA
July 2
By the time this is posted, it will be July 2. In non leap years, July 2 is the middle of the year, with 182 days before and after. In Leap years, it is day 184, which is the second day of the second half.Many things have happened on this day.
In 1776, the Continental Congress voted to declare Independence from Great Britain. Many feel that this is the true birthday of the United States. Of course, the tradition is to celebrate on the fourth, and tradition usually wins out over facts. In a reversal from the Independence theme, in 1962, the first Wal Mart opened in Rogers, Arkansas. An actor bought a sweater.
Taking the freedom theme a step further, in 1839, fifty three rebelling African slaves, led by Joseph Cinque, took over the slave ship Amistad. In 1964, President Lyndon Baines Johnson signed the Civil Rights Actinto law.
Most days have famous people born on them. In 18th century Germany, Christoph Willibald Gluck (1714) and Friedrich Gottlieb Klopstock (1724) caught a ride with the stork. On July 2, 1877, Hermann Hesse entered the earth. 1929 saw a barefoot Imelda Marcos. In 1932, Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas was born. Richard Petty followed in 1937, Jose Canseco in 1964, and Lindsay Lohan in 1986.
How many dates feature the death of an actor who played a Funeral home employee? Fred Gwynne , who played Herman Munster, left the planet on July 2, 1993. Other performers to exit stage right include Betty Grable (1973), Lee Remick (1991), Jimmy Stewart(1997), and Beverly Sills (2007). Other famous people who didn’t see July third include Nostradamus (1566), Ernest Hemingway (1961) and Vladimir Nabokov (1977).
Death was involved in some historic events on July 2. In 1863, this was the second day of the Battle of Gettysburg. This battle is considered the turning point of the War Between the States. In 1881, President James Garfield was fatally wounded by Charles Guiteau. The cartoon cat did not have a comment. 1934 saw the Night of the Long Knives. Ernst Rohm met his maker.
Many thanks to Wikipedia for the information in this repost.
The Worst Sentence Of The Year
This is not about George Zimmerman. His case has not been tried yet. No matter what the outcome, many angry people will not be happy. In this post, the worst sentence is the “winner” of a contest sponsored by a University English department. It is about a prose unit, with a noun, a verb, and assorted other implements of linguistic horror. If you are getting scared, it is ok to skip over the text and look at the pictures.
PG was trolling the archives, trying to copy and paste his way out of writer’s block. He settled on some text, which will probably be posted before July 4th. You have been warned. It is about patriotism, so watch your wallet. But, getting back to the second hottest day in Atlanta history, there were some pictures from ” Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”, that PG wanted to use. Now, using old pictures a second time is less work than posting images for the first time. When PG saw the text that went with these pictures, he decided that patriotism would have to wait until later.
The text was about the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest. (Where “WWW” means “Wretched Writers Welcome”) It is named for the writer who coined “the great unwashed”,”pursuit of the almighty dollar”, “the pen is mightier than the sword”, and “It was a dark and stormy night”. Maybe he has been forgiven. The winner of the 2012 contest has not been announced, but should be soon. As a service to the reader(s), this post has been reformatted from the original.
To paraphrase Ru Paul, the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is. A function of the english department of San Jose State University, in California, the contest awards “a pittance” to the winner. The idea is to submit the opening sentence to a horrible novel, and give the winner to the worst of the worst, the scum of the the skimmer, the Milhous of the Nixon. Email entries are accepted, preferably in Arial 12.
The award is named for Edward_Bulwer-Lytton . Mr. B-L was the model for Monty Python’s English Upper Class Twit. The opening words of his novel “Paul Clifford” are “It was a dark and stormy night”. Entrants in the contest are discouraged from saying ” It was a stark and dorky night”.
As a public service, chamblee54 has reviewed all of the entries on the web page, and selected a handful to reproduce below. If you want to see who won this year, go to the bottom of the barrel. HT to Andrew Sullivan . Pictures are from the ” Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library” The beauty queen is Miss Agricultural Ammonia for 1957.
Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men” — in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur.
When Hru-Kar, the alpha-ranking male of the silver-backed gorilla tribe finished unleashing simian hell on Lt. Cavendish, the once handsome young soldier from Her Majesty’s 47th Regiment resembled nothing so much as a crumpled up piece of khaki-colored construction paper that had been dipped in La Victoria chunky salsa.
She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so.
The band of pre-humans departed the cave in search of solace from the omnipresent dangers found there knowing that it meant survival of their kind, though they probably didn’t understand it intellectually since their brains were so small and undeveloped but fundamentally they understood that they didn’t like big animals that ate them.
The dark, drafty old house was lopsided 
and decrepit, leaning in on itself, the way an aging possum carrying a very heavy, overcooked drumstick in his mouth might list to one side if he were also favoring a torn Achilles tendon, assuming possums have them.
The wind whispering through the pine trees and the sun reflecting off the surface of Lake Tahoe like a scattering of diamonds was an idyllic setting, while to the south the same sun struggled to penetrate a sky choked with farm dust and car exhaust over Bakersfield, a town spread over the lower San Joaquin Valley like a brown stain on a wino’s trousers, which is where, unfortunately, this story takes place.
The Zinfandel poured pinkly from the bottle, like a stream of urine seven hours after eating a bowl of borscht.
She purred sensually, oozing allure that was resisted only by his realization as an entomologist that the protein dust on the couch from the filing of her crimson nails was now being devoured by dust mites in a clicking, ferocious, ecstatic frenzy.
Cynthia had washed her hands of Philip McIntyre – not like you wash your hands in a public restroom when everyone is watching you to see if you washed your hands but like washing your hands after you have been working in the garden and there is dirt under your fingernails — dirt like Philip McIntyre.
T’Bleen and Golxxm squelched their way romantically along the slough beach beneath the three Sommodian moons, their eye-stalks occasionally touching, and tenderly belched sweet nothings like, “I don’t think I’ve ever had such a charming evening,” and, “Say, would you like to gnaw that hunk of suppurating tissue off my dorsal appendage—it really itches.”
Wearing his new slacks from L.L. Bean, and entering the pen to feed his three big dogs their usual three cans of dog food, some of which ended up on his new pants, Kevin then left the house to attend a revival screening of ‘Serpico’ with Alpo chinos.
He walked into the bar and bristled when all eyes fell upon him — perhaps because his build was so short and so wide, or maybe it was the odor that lingered about him from so many days and nights spent in the wilds, but it may just have been because no one had ever seen a porcupine in a bar before
His chest glistened like a pumpkin seed, either one fresh out of the pumpkin but with all the orange strands of pumpkin flesh removed, or one straight out of the oven after being coated in just the right amount of oil and then baked; the point is that it was smooth, fairly shiny, and that color.
Living next door to the Lesters for nearly twelve years now, Mrs. Nestor, fully aware of her husband’s fondness for pulchritudinous posteriors, was unable to deter Chester Nestor’s constant quest for Mr. Lester’s sister Hester’s monster keister.
And the winner is… For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss–a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.
For President
I want a dyke for president. I want a person with aids for president, and I want a fag for vice president and I want someone with no health insurance and I want someone who grew up in a place where the earth is so saturated with toxic waste they didn’t have a choice about getting leukemia. I want a president that had an abortion at sixteen and I want a candidate who isn’t the lesser of two evils and I want a president who lost their last lover to aids, who still see that in their eyes every time they lay down to rest, who held their lover in their arms and knew they were dying. I want a president with no air conditioning, a president who has stood on line at the clinic, at the dmv, at the welfare office and has been unemployed and layed off and sexually harrassed and gaybashed and deported. I want someone who has spent the night in the tombs and had a cross burned on their lawn and survived rape. I want someone who has been in love and been hurt, who respects sex, who has made mistakes and learned from them. I want a Black woman for president. I want someone with bad teeth and an attitude, someone who has eaten that nasty hospital food, someone who crossdresses and has done drugs and been in therapy. I want someone who has committed civil disobedience. And I want to know why this isn’t possible. I want to know why we started learning somewhere down the line that a president is always a clown, always a john and never a hooker. Always a boss and never a worker, always a liar, always a thief, and never caught. This monolog was borrowed from facebook.
Collateral Damage
This post was originally published four years ago. In the intervening forty eight months, many women and children have been killed in crossfire. The United States will send a roboplane to bomb a village, and then send another roboplane to kill the rescuers, and a third roboplane to attack the funeral. Isreal killed hundreds of children in Gaza, most of whom were too young to fire missiles. Closer to home, people who choose not to denounce a drag queen are labelled racists. It is a funny world. Pictures are from ” The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”.
Back a war or two ago, a phrase entered the vocabulary. The expression was collateral damage. This referred to civilians killed in a combat action. It sounds a lot nicer than dead women and children. To hear the war supporters tell it, the enemy was causing this. The terrorists would move women and children into areas they knew were going to be attacked, so they could be killed. To the war supporters, it was a cost of doing business.
The past few days, there has been discussion at this facility about speaking out when you hear something you don’t like. People say it is bigotry and hate, which sounds a lot worse than something you don’t like. Just like collateral damage sounds nicer than dead children.
When people put on their warpaint about to fight bigotry, there is frequently collateral damage. There was an incident that illustrates my point. This was when I was at Redo Blue, working with the Bully for Jesus. I will use the initials BFJ. One day BFJ heard someone make a comment using the phrase “your daddy said”. This comment was made by a white person, referring to another white person. BFJ is a black person, and the comment offended him.
BFJ decided to vent his feelings about this comment. This happened all the time, BFJ had a nasty mouth, which would run off at the slightest provocation. Since he was working on a rush job across the room from the white person, he made his comments in a loud voice. This way the white person across the room could hear what he said, and BFJ could work on his rush job.
Towards the end of his speech, BFJ made the comment “when your mother and your father forsake you, you still have your father in heaven” This is supposed to be in the Bible. BFJ was staring at me and shouting when he said this. Later, he said he had not been talking to me. This was very common at redo blue. People would stand in front of you screaming offensive things. If you looked at them, they would go off, screaming “I’m not talking to you”.
There is a bit of backstory here. Three weeks after my mother died, I went to the bathroom. I started to realize how much I missed her, and felt very sad. When I came out of the bathroom, a woman was praying for entertainment on the BFJ’s radio. I was offended. When I asked the BFJ to turn down his radio, he declared war. This poisoned our working relationship the entire time I was at redo blue.
This comment pushed me past my limits. BFJ conducted a ministry on company time, and had a nasty temper. I had to say something. Sometimes, you need to stand up to a bully. And you best be prepared for a fight, which is exactly what the bully wants. You should never wrestle with a pig. You will only get dirty, and the pig will enjoy it.
I left a note on his desk saying that ”My mother and father have not forsaken me.” We had a closed door meeting. He argued with everything I said, admitted no wrongdoing, and chewed me out repeatedly for what the other white person had said. When I was at the point where I thought he was the lowest scum on the planet, BFJ said “Jesus made me what I am today”.
We continued to work closely together for another three years or so. I witnessed a few hundred more hours of his ministry. One day the manager called me into the office, and told me not to come back.
The point of this story is, when you “Stand Up” against “bigoted comments”, you might need to be prepared to mud wrestle with someone who thinks he is building his faith. You should learn the difference between bigotry and being too sensitive. It is best to keep things between you and the person who offended you, and not cause collateral damage.
Brookhaven Town Hall Meeting
There was a town hall meeting about the proposed City of Brookhaven. . It was sponsored by Brookhaven Yes. Many people who say No City Brookhaven attended. The meeting was in the cafeteria of Cross Keys High School, and was hosted by The Cross Keys Foundation.
PG attended Cross Keys, two or three lifetimes ago. The cafeteria has been remodeled. The bathrooms no longer smell like cigarettes.
There was a panel to answer questions. Representatives of Brookhaven Yes were there, and the mayors of Decatur, Johns Creek, Chamblee, Dunwoody, and Sandy Springs. They, and a few others, gave brief talks before the Q&A. You will have more local control if you have a new city. There is enough money for the new city to operate.
The questions were mostly civil. An old man, who was hooked up to an oxygen tank, did not believe the new city would save him money. He was the closest the meeting came to disruption.
The issue of whether or not the new city will have enough money is hot. Estimates range from a $360,000 deficit to a $1,100,000 surplus. The people from other new cities said that the same things were said to them when their cities were starting up. The taxes would be collected by DeKalb County, and a portion sent to the new city.
There was not much talk about police. The no people say there will not be enough, and the yes people say there will be. Little new information was presented.
Apparently, the DeKalb County animal shelter is a disaster. A lady asked if Brookhaven will have it’s own shelter. There are currently no plans to have a local animal shelter. The Chamblee dogcatcher is a familiar sight.
DeKalb CEO Burrell Ellis was not a popular person. The county has issued press releases saying the new city will be broke. Allegedly, another branch of the county says the new city will have a surplus. It breaks down to who you believe. All the speakers had moving lips.
The evening went smoothly. At a few minutes before nine, there were two people wanting to ask questions. A city council lady from Sandy Springs got to talking, and did not want to stop. Finally, the last question was asked, and the meeting was over.
Few minds were changed by this meeting. Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”. The election is July 31.
Something To Think About
In the wake of 911, the following email wormed its way around the internet. It is a classic of the genre. PG will add comments.This is a repost.
This letter references an appearance by Anne Graham Lotz. on “The Early Show”. Thank you, Angel Ministries, for the transcript. Mrs. Lotz is the daughter of Billy Graham. They also say, regarding the Early Show comments and the following email, “Any mutation of it on the Internet would have occurred without Mrs. Lotz’s involvement.”
Subject: SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT i recently got this email from a close relative and i was left in awe about what Billy Grahams daughter says on TV. also the things that she says is shockinly true. i hope you read through this medium sized email and have a little food for mind in whatever you say in the future. G-d Bless. Javi
In light of the many perversions and jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it’s not funny, it’s intended to get you thinking.
Billy Graham’s daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her “How could G-d let something like this happen?” (regarding the attacks on Sept. 11).
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said “I believe G-d is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we’ve been telling G-d to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect G-d to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?”
In light of recent events…terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O’Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn’t want prayer in our schools, and we said OK. It was the Supreme Court which ruled that Public School Prayer was unconstitutional. It was a controversial decision.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school ….. the Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK. The Bible says a lot of other things as well.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn’t spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock’s son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he’s talking about. And we said OK. Then someone said teachers and principals better not discipline our children when they misbehave. The school administrators said no faculty member in this school better touch a student when they misbehave because we don’t want any bad publicity, and we surely don’t want to be sued (there’s a big difference between disciplining, touching, beating, smacking, humiliating, kicking, etc.). And we said OK. Maybe this is a good time to ask who this WE person is. A lot of parents disagree with this concept. Many of the people who don’t want corporal punishment have good reasons for feeling this way. Also, in that parenthetic statement at the end, PG wonders what is being compared to what. There is a list of actions, and no way to know what is not what.
Then someone said, let’s let our daughters have abortions if they want, and they won’t even have to tell their parents. And we said OK. Then some wise school board member said, since boys will be boys and they’re going to do it anyway, let’s give our sons all the condoms they want so they can have all the fun they desire, and we won’t have to tell their parents they got them at school. And we said OK.
Then some of our top elected officials said it doesn’t matter what we do in private as long as we do our jobs. Agreeing with them, we said it doesn’t matter to me what anyone, including the President, does in private as long as I have a job and the economy is good. Ah, nostalgia for good times past. A good economy was a healthy thing, no matter what went on in the Oval Office. The next President started a War of Choice in private, and the economy is not good.
Then someone said let’s print magazines with pictures of nude women and call it wholesome, down-to-earth appreciation for the beauty of the female body. And we said OK. And then someone else took that appreciation a step further and published pictures of nude children and then further again by making them available on the Internet. And we said OK, they’re entitled to free speech. This bit of rhetoric may be the biggest lie in this letter. Child pornography is an aggressively prosecuted crime. Government agencies have been known to advertise such materials, and then bust anyone who answers the ad. PG has NEVER heard anyone say that child pornography is protected by free speech.
Then the entertainment industry said, let’s make TV shows and movies that promote profanity, violence, and illicit sex. Let’s record music that encourages rape, drugs, murder, suicide, and satanic themes. And we said it’s just entertainment, it has no adverse effect, nobody takes it seriously anyway, so go right ahead.
Now we’re asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don’t know right from wrong, and why it doesn’t bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves. In the years after 911, we have engaged in wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Pakistan. There are lots of strangers being killed over there. But, it is going a bit far to say that it doesn’t bother soldiers to kill strangers. PTSD and suicide are serious problems among troops who have been to war in Babylon.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with “WE REAP WHAT WE SOW.” Funny how simple it is for people to trash G-d and then wonder why the world’s going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says. Many of the people who forwarded this message whine about “liberal media bias”, but call the Bible the “Word of G-d”.
Funny how you can send ‘jokes’ through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing. Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of G-d is suppressed in the school and workplace. Are you laughing? Does a cynical smirk count?
Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you’re not sure what they believe, or what they WILL think of you for sending it. It is a good idea to only send a message to someone who is going to trust what you say. If they don’t trust you, what is the point? Also, if a message about G-d creates ill will, is that message not in vain? Any questions about this, see the Third Commandment.
Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what G-d thinks of us. If G-d lives in the hearts of Man, is there a difference between what man thinks and what G-d thinks? Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it… no one will know you did. But, if you discard this, don’t sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.
ACA @ SCOTUS
PG was working on a post with an eye on the clock. Any minute now, the Supremes were going to rule on the Affordable Care Act. This is part of the process. After the law comes out of the sausage factory, the lawyers attack and defend. Finally, it goes to the Supremes. Scotusblog has the story.
Tom: 520,000 contemporaneous readers. 10:07
Tom: First American was dismissed. 10:07
Amy Howe: We have health care opinion. 10:08
Amy Howe: Parsing it asap. 10:08
Amy Howe: The individual mandate survives as a tax. 10:09
Amy Howe: It’s very complicated, so we’re still figuring it out. 10:10
Kali: We are still here. Don’t worry. 10:10
Tom: So the mandate is constitutional. Chief Justice Roberts joins the left of the Court.10:11
Amy Howe: The Medicaid provision is limited but not invalidated. 10:13
Tom: The bottom line: the entire ACA is upheld, with the exception that the federal government’s power to terminate states’ Medicaid funds is narrowly read. 10:15
Tom: We’re still here; taking a deeper dive into the opinion. Back soon. 10:15
Tom: Link to the opinion isn’t up yet. 10:15
Tom: Chief Justice Roberts’ vote saved the ACA. 10:18
Pictures, with one exception, are from The Library of Congress.
Yossarian Part One
This is part one of a homage to Catch 22. Parts two, three, four, five, six, and seven are also available.
I The Texan How can you not like a story that begins “It was love at first sight”. Somehow, this had always happened to PG with Catch 22. He was beginning his third attempt at reading it, and thought that maybe writing about it would improve the chances of finishing the damn thing.
PG does not remember when he bought the book. It is a nice hardback edition, with grocery bag paper scotch taped around the cover. Whether or not the original dust cover was there is irrelevant at this time, although it would decrease the value to a collector. The copyright page says 1961, and there is no indication of a subsequent printing.
After the first attempt at reading, PG used the book as a tool. He operated a blueprint machine, with an electric sensor. The sensor would cut the machine off if a piece of paper did not go over it every minute. This was annoying, as PG sometimes used the developer on the machine, without feeding paper into the front. The book would tell the sensor that paper was over it, and the machine would not cut off. It worked very well.
PG had the good fortune to bring the book with him when he left the job. Several things got left behind. There was an architects rendering of a Christian Science church n 15th street downtown, that was a source of great pride and pleasure. The day when PG stormed out of shaky reprographics the print got left behind.
So begins the chapter by chapter breakdown of the great american novel. It may go unfinished. The last time PG tried this was Eat, Pray, Love, which nobody considers the Great American Novel. By the middle of the book, the lady writer was in the bathroom writing notes to G-d. PG wondered why he was fooling with a book like that, but felt the need to finish what he started. No such constrictions will apply to this series. It is about war, and modern americans wars are not supposed to be finished.
The first chapter starts with Yossarian in the hospital. Whether he is sick, or goofing off, is a matter of conjecture. After a while, you realize there is very little difference between the two. He decides the spend the rest of the war in the hospital, until a Texan moves into the ward. He does not like the Texan, does not have a good reason for not liking him, but does not need one. Yossarian is soon out of the hospital.
At this point it is essential to know how to spell Yossarian. He is the most important character, and some say the hero. Spell check can be used, but that is cheating. It is easy to break down. Yo is obvious. SS is a popular set of initials, especially for someone being shot at by Nazis. ARIAN can be tricky. If you take the Nazi theme a bit further, you can say that it is Aryan, with an I in the middle. This would be the American version anyway, to have the I in the middle of the master race, but to deny that you are a racist. Or crazyist, (spell check suggestion:Craigslist) which would be a genuine handicap while reading this book.
II Clevinger PG is beginning to think that Catch 22 is a bunch of crazy people having ironic interior conversations, and not doing much of anything. Now, in a war, this is not a bad thing. If nothing is happening, that means you have not been killed. This is a downside of war. Maybe a plot will hatch if we stick with it long enough. The style of writing is fun, even if there is no plot to sustain it. We will see. The original plan was to read fifty pages, and if it was not a barrel of laughs to consider putting it down. This is not a library book, so there is no deadline.
Not much happened in chapter two. Yossarian and Clevinger called each other crazy, and they were both correct. Towards the end of this chapter, someone says something about the Colonel wanting fifty missions from his flyers. This book might have a plot after all.
When writing this chapter, it would appear helpful to mention what Clevinger does. The first two chapters do not say what the man does, but they do mention that he used to live in a tent near Yossarian. While trying to track down the function of Clevenger, PG decided to underline the names of the characters, with a red pencil, the first time they appear in the story. After that, if PG wants to underline them, then he can. This should make it a bit easier to determine what the swarm of characters in this story do. These red pencil marks will further undermine the resale value of this book, what resale value it has left with a grocery store bag dust cover.
In 1992, PG had a downstairs neighbor named Ron Clevinger. He was a nice guy. His boyfriend, named Keith Maffey, was a jerk. They had violent quarrels, which was disturbing to someone living upstairs. If the house caught fire, then PG’s apartment upstairs would be affected. One night, they were wrestling in the living room, and the tv fell to the ground with a spectacular crash.
The guys downstairs were trying to start a remodeling business. They did not know what they were doing. The landlord let them put a new roof on the house, and it leaked. The roof was finally replaced a couple of years later. After a few months, they didn’t pay their rent, and were evicted. PG did not miss them. In the winter of 1993, there was a snow jam, which is a once every ten years big deal in Atlanta. A few days after the snow melted, PG read a funeral notice for Keith Maffey. Someone shot him dead during the storm. PG never did hear the details.
III Havermeyer This peace story about a war story is being written, at first, on a laptop. PG has long been a desktop only kind of guy, but the advantages of having a second machine were piling up. Finally, the computer store in Doraville had a sale, where they offered laptops that had been leased out. When PG got his it was $20 off, which paid part of the sales tax.
This is a fun device to use, but it takes a bit of getting used to. The touchpad is very different from a mouse, and this model does not have a number pad to the right of the letters. PG is trying to train himself to use the numbers at the top of the keyboard, and one day he will learn how. The most troubling thing about this machine is the tendency of the cursor to drift to another spot on the screen without warning. You will be typing merrily away, put the machine down, and when you get back the letters are going in a place halfway up the document. It is very annoying.
Chapter three is part crazy person noodling, and part plot action. Yossarian and Orr, his roommate, get into a discussion about why Orr likes to stuff crab apples in his cheeks. The reason is that they are better than chestnuts. They go round and round, talk about a whore that beat up Orr, but never get to the bottom of his love for big cheeks.
A couple of characters with funny names are introduced. General P.P. Peckum is a pretentious prick, which is a bit redundant. At least the pretentious part, unless it is a female, in which case a different body part is used. All prick implies is the masculine gender of the individual. Captain Aardvark is Yossarian’s navigator, and is usually the first name called at roll.
The plot part involves Yossarians desire to get out of the war alive. He takes evasive action when he flies, and is not overly concerned if the target is hit. Havermeyer, by contrast, never takes evasive action, and hangs around the crime scene to make sure the target is hit.
“Havermeyer was a lead bombardier who never missed. Yossarian was a lead bombardier who had been demoted because he no longer gave a damn whether he missed or not. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive.”
Yossarian is thought of as a good guy. However, when he went on missions, he dumped bombs wherever it felt right, without concern about hitting the target. It is probable that some of these bombs landed on Italian civilians. Our hero murdered people whose only crime was having a dictator who was buddies with Hitler. The fact that all armies do the same thing does not make the barbequed Italians any less dead.
IV Doc Daneeka Doc Daneeka is a character with a lot to say. He was setting up a profitable practice in New York, involving crooked pharmacists and abortions. The war got in the way. Doc has little sympathy for any airman with problems, because his are worse.
Chapter four is a bunch of people hanging out talking nonsense. Except that it is all men, but it is still nonsense. Somebody asks if any poet ever made money, and someone says that T.S. Eliot did. Soon, General Dreedle, and his idiot son in law Colonel Moodus, thought that T.S. Eliot was one of their men.
There are some online resources that are going to make this project a lot easier. One is SparkNotes It is like CliffNotes, only digital. It tells us that Colonel Peckum thinks that T.S. Eliot is a coded message, and worries because he does not know the meaning.
Another handy device is wikiqotes. It has quotes from the text, and is easier than copying passages on file cards. “This literary-work article needs cleanup. Please review Wikiquote:Templates, especially the standard format of literary-work articles, to determine how to edit this article to conform to a higher standard of article quality. This page has been listed as needing cleanup since 2008-09-11.”
V Chief White Halfoat The namesake of this chapter is Doc Daneeka’s roommate. CWH was from a tribe in Oklahoma. His family had a way of settling where oil was going to be found, so they were followed from site to site by oil company men. The term native american had not been invented when this was written, so CWH is called Indian. He likes to drink, which is another unfortunate stereotype. Catch 22 probably would not be helped by being politically correct.
CWH staggers into the tent while Yossarian is having a chat with Doc Daneeka. In this chapter, Doc is happy that the war came when it did, because his practice was broke. After CWH retires to his bottle, Yossarian gets down to business with the Doc. He wants to be grounded from flight duty. The reason for this is a desire to not be killed, and the excuse is that he was crazy.
There is a difference between an excuse and a reason. In Iraq, the reasons for wanting to invade were multiple: oil access, making Israel happy, revenge for the survival of Saddam after the first oil war, and a desire to make money for the military industrial complex. None of these were thought to be very convincing, so a decision was made to say that Iraq had WMD, and was about to give them to terrorists. A committee made a decision to use this as the rationale for the war. It was the excuse. An excuse does not have to be true, it just has to convince the people who need to be convinced.
Getting back to Yossarian, he had sane reasons for claiming he was crazy. The army was wise to him. WW2 was a serious struggle for survival, and excuses like insanity or homosexuality were not accepted. On page 41, the title of the book is mentioned for the first time.
“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. If he flew them, he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to, he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
“That’s some catch, that Catch-22,” he observed.
“It’s the best there is,” Doc Daneeka agreed.
VI Hungry Joe Hungry Joe is an airman. He has screaming nightmares, which disturb his neighbors. He has flown more than enough missions, but the order to send him home never comes. The number of missions needed to complete a tour of duty keeps going up. It is now set at fifty five.
Fifty five became a notorious number during the seventies. There was a gas shortage, followed by a very convenient war, and the price of gasoline went up. One of the ideas for reducing the use of gasoline was to lower the speed limit on the interstates. This had been set at seventy, which people regarded as their right as free americans. The speed limit was lowered to fifty five, and people were not happy.
The interstate system was not finished yet. There were gaps, where you had to get off the freeway and go for a while on surface roads. One notorious bypass was in Cobb County, where I75 stopped just a bit past the Big Chicken. You had to get off, and travel north on highway 41 for a while, until you could get back on the interstate. This was when roads in Cobb county were fun to drive. There was a one lane bridge over the river on Akers Mill Road. You had to wait until it was clear to go across. On the other side was the Riverbend apartments, widely regarded as the king of swinging singles apartment complexes. Those were the days. And people wonder why the Big Chicken rolls his eyes.
Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”
Spelling Tragedy
PG went out on his bike, and saw something disturbing. A small American flag was laying in the dirt. PG leaned his bike against a mailbox, which might be illegal, and looked at the situation. The pole was broken in half, and the flag was filthy. Before you could say Supreme Court Decision, the flag was in the luggage box on the bike.
Burning a worn out flag is the proper way to dispose of it. “When a flag is so worn it is no longer fit to serve as a symbol of our country, it should be destroyed by burning in a dignified manner.” A splash of rubbing alcohol, and a kitchen match were applied. The flag was made of a flame resistant material. Maybe that was part of the Supreme Court ruling, or perhaps another helpful regulation. PG turned the remains over and lit it again. Finally, the embers were doused in water, and the ashes buried next to the driveway.
Going inside, there was a post to be considered, The Seven Deadly Spelling Sins. The first sentence should send any sane person running… “Because I am a writing teacher and a former editor, I am constantly exposed to the most egregious mistakes in writing, grammar, and spelling.” PG is not a sane person. Here is the post, with supplemental comments for your reading pleasure.
1. There, Their, and They’re These are three different words, and they are not interchangeable. “There” refers to a place and is the opposite of “here.” “Their” refers to ownership of something. “They’re” is a contraction that means “they are,” as in: They are having a spelling party.
This is what is known as a homophone. You might have thought that was a communications device in midtown. If you think about it a bit, you realize that one is possessive, one is a place, and one is a clumsy third person plural verb. They’re going to take their ice cream and go there with it.
2. To and Too “To” is the beginning of any infinitive form of a verb: to run, to be, to smile, to write, to blog. Taking foreign language classes is the best way to drive this one home. It is also a preposition. “Too” means “also” or “in addition to.” It can also mean “in excess,” as in: There are too many shoes in my closet. (Well, that’s simply not possible, but you get the idea.)
This forgets two, which is a number, but the spelling is so different that usually the distinction is made. Just like spelling, as in bee, is different from Aaron Spelling. He was the father of Tori Spelling, and a Hollywood producer. Aaron Spelling made lots of money, built the biggest house in California, and was married to Morticia Addams.
3. You’re and Your “You’re” is a contraction form of “you are.” “Your” again refers to ownership.
Words like this are a problem with spell check. If the word is spelled conventionally, it will not set off the device. This also happens when you mean to say to, but type do instead. This is a normal word, and spell check will not know the difference. The possibility exists of a grammar program that will catch mistakes like this.
4. Judgment This word never ever (in the United States) has an “e” in the middle.
Words like this are pronounced in different ways by white people and black people. White people say “munt”, and accent the first syllable. Black people say “mint”, and accent the second syllable. The mint sounds like a brand of gum, like spearmint or double mint. Did you know that the doublemint twins have had substance abuse issues? They are currently in a twenty four step program.
5. Definitely I don’t know why, but some 90 percent of my students have difficulty spelling this word. There is it, in black and white. Memorize it. I have seen it misspelled as: Defiantly, Definately, Definetley, Definitly And so on. I’m sure there are numerous variations to a bad spelling.
PG is part of the ninety percent here. This is a toughie. Maybe if you break it down into parts, it will make sense. De Finite Ly. De is pronounced duh, which is smart. Finite means only so many, all there is and there ain’t no more. Ly is one of those suffixes that gets tacked onto everything.
6. Its and It’s Again, we have a contraction. The contraction means that two words have been combined, so “it’s” means “it is.” Now, the tricky part is the fact that possession usually uses an apostrophe. However, because this apostrophe is already taken for “it is,” “its” refers to possession in this case.
This is one of those things that make you think English was invented by a race of drunks who call soccer football. To any reasonable person, a word meaning possession should have an apostrophe and s. Here, it’s means it is. Sometimes, the best thing to do is play along and don’t wonder why things are so screwed up.
7. Lightning This one is my personal pet peeve. This refers to that giant flash of light in the sky that usually occurs during a rainstorm and is always followed by thunder. However, I see many people spell it as “lightening,” which can refer to making something lighter, in color or weight. However, it also means the dropping of the baby before a woman gives birth, and that’s what I always think of. So, when people write on Facebook, “The lightening was fantastic last night,” I can’t help but wonder if they are relieved to have finally given birth.
PG was going to end with a comment about religion, but was afraid of being hit by lightning.
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