Heather Has A Mommy And A Daddy
Heather Has a Mommy and a Daddy
Deep in the heart of Dullsville, at the end of a cul-de-sac, behind a lawn of scratchy brown grass dotted with giant plastic butterflies, three flaking cement deer, and a philodendron the size of Bob Hoskins though with fewer decorative parts, lives Heather Thompson. Heather has a mommy and a daddy. Heather’s daddy is an accountant. Her mommy is a homemaker. Before Heather was born they met, fell in love, and got married. “I love you very much and I’m having your child,” Heather’s mom said.
Danitra is Heather’s best friend. One of Danitra’s dads is an empowerment facilitator. The other is an aura consultant. Danitra doesn’t know what they do at work, except they don’t need briefcases. Before Danitra was born her daddies met and fell in love, and after seventeen years spent discussing caring and support, handling acceptance, and negotiating intimacy, they had a commitment ceremony. “I love you very much and I’m designing the rings,” Danitra’s Daddy Mike said.
One day in school Heather’s teacher, Mrs. Weinberg-Lopez, tells the class to draw pictures of their families. Danitra draws two men, Julio draws two women, and Heather draws a man and a woman. Keanu points at the woman Heather drew, with squiggly yellow hair, a crude red dress and simple brown shoes. “This dad here’s got some ugly drag going on,” he says.
At lunchtime Danitra sits on the bench next to Heather and pulls a sandwich out of a brown paper bag.“Want to trade?” Danitra asks. “I’ve got grilled eggplant and goat cheese on marjoram foccacia.” “Um, I didn’t bring lunch,” Heather stammers, kicking her brown paper bag out of sight. “I’m … uh … on a diet.”
“Diet?” Danitra asks. “Haven’t your dads told you not to buy into that patriarchal looks-based chauvinism? And anyway, what’s this then?” she asks, holding up the bag with “HAVE A SUPER DAY!” written in sparkle marker on it.
Julio, who was listening nearby, runs up and grabs Heather’s lunch. “Yeah, what’s this? It’s somebody’s lunch!” Heather jumps at the bag but Julio holds it out of reach. “You give that back!” Heather yells. “Try and make me!” Julio chides. He pulls Heather’s sandwich apart and drops it like it was electrified. He wobbles away, holding his stomach.
“Oh my God!” he cries. “There’s like dead stuff in there!” Danitra looks at the sandwich lying on the cement. “Is that MEAT? Is that like SPAM?” Claudia, sitting quietly at the other end of the bench, bursts into tears. “Heather’s eating BAMBI!” “It’s friggin’ Wonder Bread!” Julio scoffs. Keanu walks toward the bread and peers at it. “And it’s got LUBE all over it!” “You idiot, that’s MAYONNAISE.” “What’s mayonnaise?” “It’s like goat cheese for heterosexuals.”
“Heterosexuals?” Keanu asks. “Heather’s mommy and daddy are heterosexuals?” Heather starts to yell. “No! I don’t have a mommy and a daddy. I’ve got two daddies!” “Hell-OOOO!” Danitra says, drawing the word out to twelve syllables. “We can see your clothes!” “Um . . . “ Heather stalls, “then I’ve got two mommies.” “And we’ve seen you play baseball,” Julio answers.
Heather, unable to think of a response, sits on the bench and starts to cry. Danitra pulls a robin’s egg blue bandana from her pocket and dabs at Heather’s face. “Maybe your mom’s not really a woman,” Danitra offers. “Well,” Heather says, sniffing, “she cleans the house, and cooks, and does the laundry.” Danitra fumes. “We’re trying to establish that she’s female, not that she’s an idiot.”
“Maybe your dad’s not really a man,” Julio suggests.“Well,” Heather answers, wiping her nose. “He’s big and strong and he’s got a mustache.” Several of the children wonder what this proves but nobody says anything.
“So let’s say you’ve got a mom and a dad,” Keanu says. “Then where did you come from?”Heather thinks for a minute. “They went to bed together, and then I was born.” Some of her friends express further interest, but Heather doesn’t have a brochure. “Daddy put his thing in mommy — “
“Oh, man,” Keanu interjects. “Is that legal?” “HelLLLLO!” sings Danitra, who gets the word up to eighteen syllables this time. “We’re in CaliFORnia!”
“And nine months later I came out of my mommy’s tummy,” Heather adds. Several of the children wonder why they didn’t hire a surrogate with a vagina but nobody says anything.
Heather Has a Mommy and a Daddy, Part Two
One night there’s a dance at Heather’s school and her parents offer to chaperone. While Heather’s dancing with Danitra she sees from the corner of her eye her mom and dad moving onto the dance floor. She watches in horror as her mom just sort of stands there swaying, her gingham granny dress limply hanging to the floor. She grimaces as her dad starts chopping at the air like Jackie Chan being attacked by locusts.
Occasionally their movements coincide with the beat. Heather runs to the bathroom crying.“Heather, don’t feel so bad,” Danitra says. “Lots of kids have embarrassing parents.” She starts to lead Heather out of the bathroom, then stops. “Um, maybe we should stay in here a while longer. They just started doing the Bump.”
One day the class projects are due. Heather brings in the model she’s made. It’s a lump of brown Play-Doh with ketchup poured over it and dotted with marshmellows stuck on with toothpicks. She sets it on the table as her teacher comes over to look.
“Why, Heather! That’s . . . nice! Very very nice!”“What the hell is it?” Tommy asks. “TOMMY! Heather’s parents had me over for dinner once. This is what they call ‘Salisbury steak.’” Heather bursts into tears. “NO IT’S NOT! It’s a VOLCANO! That’s lava, and that’s steam coming out.”
Danitra enters and places her project next to Heather’s on the table. “Why, Danitra, what’s this?” Danitra delicately removes the sheet protecting her project. “Versailles.”
Heather takes one look at the tiny replica of Louis XIV’s summer home, constructed by Danitra and her two dads out of two hundred cubic yards of teak plank, thirty square feet of gold leaf, sixty pounds of Italian travertine marble from the same quarry Michelangelo used, tiny topiary and functional miniature fountains, and cries even harder.
“Why did I have to have a mom and a dad?” Heather sobs. “Why can’t my family be like all the rest?”
Mrs. Weinberg-Lopez pulls Heather close. “Children,” she says,”every family is special, including those conforming to the rigid, stereotypical standard of male domination.” She starts to tell the class about her own family, including her hearing-impaired Hispanic mother, her height-challenged Israeli father, and her Gypsy recovering-substance-abusing brother-in-law and Armenian sex-addict half-sister, but stops, realizing the school year is only 4,074 hours long.
“Just because Heather’s parents are heterosexual doesn’t mean they’re slow-witted philistines, though there are strong correlations you don’t need a PhD in statistics to understand. But Heather is lucky to have a sweet mom and a wonderful dad and a dog named Molly and a hamster named Samson, and they all live together in a lovely house. They’ve got interesting avocado-colored appliances, carpet as long as your hair, and furniture that‘s by-and-large wood that must have taken them hours to assemble. There’s a big plastic sofa that turns into a bed, and a La-Z-Boy — ”
“A what?” Keanu asks. “A La-Z-Boy,” Mrs. Weinberg-Lopez repeats. “It’s a big vinyl chair that reclines.” “Oh, man!” exclaims Keanu, covering his face with his hands. “And I thought our Herman Miller reproductions were embarrassing!”
Mrs. Weinberg-Lopez continues. “But the important thing is, they’re a family. They’re a group united for a common purpose, where each individual is given a sense of empowerment and their shared bonds are formalized in a ritualistic manner.” “Oh,” the students respond in unison. Everybody hugs.
THE END
The story was borrowed from World Class Stupid.
Pictures are from The Library of Congress. This is a repost.
Drug Screen
Drug testing used to be an exotic, expensive procedure. In the eighties, it was famous athletes. After that camel stuck his nose under the tent flap, the privilege was extended to anyone who wanted a job. Alcohol use continues to be condoned, with the supply advertised on television. This does not affect the urine industrial complex.
PG is working on getting a job, and testing is part of the ritual. This has happened is four or five times before. The first time was in a dirty MOB downtown, with rude employees. Once, the cup was filled at a chiropractic office, which did drug screens as a sideline activity. All of these had negative scores.
The latest collection experience had a few new twists. You are sent a barcode enabled form to print, and bring with you. The email says to “Limit your fluid intake to no more than 24 fluid ounces in the 3 hours before you test.” An address and phone number are given. PG talks to the lady, who tells him where to park. It is the same lady who will wait on him at the facility.
The collection, and hopeful employment, is in Atlanta GA. “Employer Information” comes out of Riverside CA. “Medical Review Officer/Managed Service Provider” is located in Philadelphia PA. Some delivery service will get some business, and the internet comes in handy again. PG has taken a test where the results were processed immediately in the office. Why is a bi-coastal effort is needed?
In medical dealings, the first concrete indication that you are entering an alien environment is getting the magnetic striped parking ticket from the machine. You drive until you find an empty spot, a few numbers down from the valet parking. Walking past the cluster of conversation at the security desk, you go into the office and sign in.
The lady calls your name, and you go into the room. You hand her the paperwork, and your drivers license. There is a metal box with a lock on it. You place what is in your pockets in the lockbox, and take the key. You go to the sink, wash your hands with plain water, without any soap. It is ok to dry your hands. You are given a plastic cup.
You enter the collection room. Even though you are not told whether or not to do it, you lift the seat. The cup is filled past the invisible line, and the remainder of the product goes in the commode. You do not flush, per instructions. You go out, and wash your hands again, this time using soap. The lady is wearing plastic gloves now, of a tasteful blue shade. She places part of the sample in a small plastic container, and places a sticker over the lid. The sticker has a bunch of numbers, and a bar code. You sign a form saying that the sample was not adulterated, among other things.
The lady is very nice throughout the visit. The office will not receive results, and does not know where the testing will take place. You walk out to your vehcie. Since you have been there less than twenty minutes, you don’t have to pay.
The next day, saw an email. “We have received your drug results back and they have come back as dilute, which means you consumed too much liquids prior to your testing. You will be required to go back and complete another test. Please try and limit your fluid to no more than 16 fl. oz prior to this test.” Adequate hydration will have to wait.
This message came after a facebook exchange. A post was made to a community page. @tejucole I learn more about privilege from what I get wrong about misogyny than from what I get right about racism. A few minutes later, this comment arrived. “Did you mean to post the out of the blue statement about privilege on the faerie page?” PG took the post down. Let sleeping dogs lie, especially the bitches.
The notice about the second test came at 1:30. PG tried to calculate how many ounces of fluid he had consumed, and decided to wait. At 3:30, he went down the familiar road to pill hill.
The second visit to the collection facility was different. There were several people in the waiting room, and they were all serviced before PG. Finally, he went into the room. The lady was much more businesslike than the one the day before. The procedure was a bit different. Go in there, and fill the cup above the line. Do not flush. A minute later, PG comes back with a full cup. The lady poured a sample into a plastic container, and said to empty the cup into the commode, flush, throw the cup away, and wash your hands with soap and water. The procedure was finished at 4:19, Since PG left his car for more than a half hour, there was a $3.50 charge for parking.
When PG got home, he emptied his pockets. There was an extra set of keys. He had taken home the keys to the lockbox. A third trip to the collection facility was required. Two business days later, the test results came back. PG was certified ready to go to work. Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”.
Positive Attitude Prattle
Somewhere along the line, the boss decides you have a “negative attitude”. From that point on, you are not allowed to complain. It is almost as if it were a gimmick to keep you in line.
A lady named Barbara Ehrenreich agrees that there is entirely too much positive attitude required of people. She wrote a book, Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. In one interview, she says “And again, you know, don’t worry about the world. Don’t ask the question about where the cancer comes from. Don’t ask why so many people are not employed, even in good times in our country. And it was the same sort of thing. And that’s when I began to think hey, this kind of operates as a way of quelling discontent, quelling dissent, you know, when you can’t say I’m mad about -whatever. You just have to swallow it and smile.”
Ms. Ehrenreich was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000. She found herself in a pink tsunami of cheerfulness. The pink teddy bears did not do anything for her spirits. The whole culture of happy talk, about a life threatening illness. grossed her out.
At one point, she was given a tote bag. In it were some crayons. I said, “This is really nice, but what’s with the crayons?” And this woman said to me, “Well, that’s in case you want to write down any of your thoughts.” And I said, “I’m a writer. I don’t use crayons.”
The promotional interviews quoted here were conducted in 2009. This was before the Susan G. Komen foundation hired Karen Handel. During the Planned Parenthood meltdown, some unflattering things came out about the SGK foundation. It probably did not help Ms. Ehrenreich’s attitude.
So the book happened. PG has not read it, but has seen a few reviews and interviews. The New York Times has a great review. It says “America’s can-do optimism has hardened into a suffocating culture of positivity that bears little relation to genuine hope or happiness.”
One interview has a stomach churning comment. It should be noted that this is the lady talking, and that there is no confirmation of this. “Yeah. And here’s something that really horrified me that I learned recently and put in the book, is that some breast cancer support groups expel people who go into metastasis and who are clearly going to die. You can’t be in the group because just your presence might bring other people down.” (A google search of the phrase “breast cancer support groups expel people who go into metastasis ” shows little support for this story. Two front page results involve Barbara Ehrenreich interviews. Skepticism should not be limited to positive motivation.)
Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
A New Look At Cholesterol
The following information was found on facebook. This feature is an edited version. For more details, see the original.
The discovery a few years ago that inflammation in the artery wall is the real cause of heart disease is slowly leading to a paradigm shift in how heart disease and other chronic ailments will be treated. Simply stated, without inflammation being present in the body, there is no way that cholesterol would accumulate in the wall of the blood vessel and cause heart disease and strokes. Without inflammation, cholesterol would move freely throughout the body as nature intended. It is inflammation that causes cholesterol to become trapped.
The long-established dietary recommendations have created epidemics of obesity and diabetes, the consequences of which dwarf any historical plague in terms of mortality, human suffering and dire economic consequences. Despite the fact that 25% of the population takes expensive statin medications and despite the fact we have reduced the fat content of our diets, more Americans will die this year of heart disease than ever before. Statistics from the American Heart Association show that 75 million Americans currently suffer from heart disease, 20 million have diabetes and 57 million have pre-diabetes. These disorders are affecting younger and younger people in greater numbers every year.
Inflammation is not complicated — it is quite simply your body’s natural defence to a foreign invader such as a bacteria, toxin or virus. The cycle of inflammation is perfect in how it protects your body from these bacterial and viral invaders. However, if we chronically expose the body to injury by toxins or foods the human body was never designed to process,a condition occurs called chronic inflammation. Chronic inflammation is just as harmful as acute inflammation is beneficial. What thoughtful person would willfully expose himself repeatedly to foods or other substances that are known to cause injury to the body? Well,smokers perhaps, but at least they made that choice willfully.
The rest of us have simply followed the recommended mainstream diet that is low in fat and high in polyunsaturated fats and carbohydrates, not knowing we were causing repeated injury to our blood vessels. This repeated injury creates chronic inflammation leading to heart disease, stroke, diabetes and obesity. Let me repeat that: The injury and inflammation in our blood vessels is caused by the low fat diet recommended for years by mainstream medicine.
What are the biggest culprits of chronic inflammation? Quite simply, they are the overload of simple, highly processed carbohydrates (sugar, flour and all the products made from them) and the excess consumption of omega-6 vegetable oils like soybean, corn and sunflower that are found in many processed foods. While we savor the tantalizing taste of a sweet roll, our bodies respond alarmingly as if a foreign invader arrived declaring war. Foods loaded with sugars and simple carbohydrates, or processed withomega-6 oils for long shelf life have been the mainstay of the American diet for six decades. These foods have been slowly poisoning everyone.
Today’s mainstream American diet has produced an extreme imbalance of these two fats. The ratio of imbalance ranges from 15:1 to as high as 30:1 in favor of omega-6. That’s a tremendous amount of cytokines causing inflammation. In today’s food environment, a 3:1 ratio would be optimal and healthy. The human body cannot process, nor was it designed to consume, foods packed with sugars and soaked in omega-6 oils.
There is but one answer to quieting inflammation, and that is returning to foods closer to their natural state. To build muscle, eat more protein. Choose carbohydrates that are very complex such as colorful fruits and vegetables. Cut down on or eliminate inflammation- causing omega-6 fats like corn and soybean oil and the processed foods that are made from them
The cholesterol theory led to the no-fat, low-fat recommendations that in turn created the very foods now causing an epidemic of inflammation. Mainstream medicine made a terrible mistake when it advised people to avoid saturated fat in favor of foods high in omega-6 fats. We now have an epidemic of arterial inflammation leading to heart disease and other silent killers.
Hank Chinaski Lives
In the next quarter century, the surplus grew, thanks to Bukowski’s nearly graphomaniacal fecundity. “I usually write ten or fifteen [poems] at once,” he said, and he imagined the act of writing as a kind of entranced combat with the typewriter, as in his poem “cool black air”: “now I sit down to it and I bang it, I don’t use the light / touch, I bang it.”
As could have been predicted, it started with a post at Dangerous Minds. The feature was about the late Charles Bukowski, who was called Hank by those who knew him. The writer/drunk had always been a bit of a fascination to PG. Out of the millions of useless drunks feeding the urinals of planet earth, at least one will turn out to have had literary merit.
A trip to Google city is made, and quotes from the bard are found, along with the wikipedia page. All of this leads to a New Yorker piece about the gentleman. After nine paragraphs, and two poems, there is the phrase that set off PG…graphomaniacal fecundity.(spell check suggestion:nymphomaniac)
As best as we can figure, g.f. means that Hank wrote a lot of stuff. This is a good thing. PG operates on the notion that if you keep your quantity up, the quality will take care of itself. Hank seems to agree, spitting out product “like hot turds the morning after a good beer drunk.” He seemed to take pride in doing what Truman Capote said about Jack Kerouac…he doesn’t write, he types.
If you google the phrase graphomaniacal fecundity, you can choose from 71 results. The top six apparently quote the article in New Yorker. A blogspot facility called poemanias quotes the paragraph from the New Yorker, with the title “On Bukowski’s afterlife”, while Fourhourhardon reprints the entire thing. Neither provide a link back to the original.
Goliath and Petey Luvs Blog take the same copy-paste approach. The first tries to get you to pay for more reading material. This forum also does the control A-C-V approach, but yields this comment : “He was a contemporary of the Beats, but not quite one of them because he was darker and not as willing to smoke a joint and sing Phil Ochs songs on the lower east side.” The truth is, Hank hated marijuana, and had the classic alcoholic attitude about it. So it goes. Keep and share copies the complete New Yorker feature, but has some other thumbsuckers about Mr. Bukowski.
It is a truism that new media borrows content from old media. Stories, told orally from genration to generation, are compiled into books, which are then made into movies. Plastic panels try to look like wood. The newest new media that old fogey PG knows about is twitter. People tell little stories in 140 characters or less, which go around the world in seconds. With this abundance of media, there are not always enough messages to feed the beast.
On twitter, there are people producing twitter feeds from dead authors. Maybe these wordmongers went to a place with internet access. Kurt Vonnegut (three hours ago) “Busy, busy, busy”. Mark Twain (three hours ago) “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint”. Brautigan’s Ghost (twenty two hours ago) “I cannot say to the one I love, “Hi, flower-wonderful bird-love sweet.”
The deceased content maker best suited to twitter might be Conway Twitty. One slow day two years ago, Yahoo asked peeps Do you think Conway Twitty would have used Twitter? ~ He gave them the idea ~ I think Twitty would tweet, Twitter would be Conway’s, way of of communicating to the world, Twitty would be tweeting his little Twitty head off, ~ I better send out a Twitty Tweet ~ Cute, but a serious answer, probably. A media hound, he’d want to get his name plastered everywhere. ~ If he did that would have made him a ‘Twitty Twitter” ~ Who cares, he’s a twit anyway”.
There are four Twitty Twitter feeds. @ConwayTwitty (Oct. 21,2009) “The Conway Twitty Musical is getting great reviews in Branson!!! . @TwittyTweats (January 12, 2012) “In Twitty City, it never snows. All the men wear gold medallions and blazers. And the women never cry. Unless you hold them.” @Conway_Twitty (February 20, 2012) “My cock is an amphibious assault vehicle” @conwaytwittier (April 28, 2012). “@JasonIsbell How’s the English weather treating your hair? I had the hardest time keeping my pompadour in tiptop shape there.” @twittybirdmoda is written in Japanese.
The original concept for this post was to spotlight twitter feeds borrowing material from Charles Bukowski. Hank is the beer bard of Los Angeles. He is a hero to many. Out of the millions of worthless drunks populating bars, at least one could write poems. It gives you hope for mankind.
The front page of a google search for “charles bukowski on twitter” yields eight feeds. The original plan was to ignore any that were not updated in 2012. An exception will be for @hank_bukowski (Yeah it’s good to be back). (January 25, 2009) “Yesterday I met Adolf H. in hell. He is fuckin stupid.” “too lazzy these days, too drunk to twitter”.
With the 2012-only rule in effect, we are left with three Bukowski thieves. @BukowskiDiz (May 1) “Curiosidades sobre Charles Bukowski http://migre.me/8UhRf“. @bukquotes (May 8) “all the mules and drunken ladies gone the bad novels march…”. ~ “I always read when I shit and the worse the book the better the bowel movement.” @bukowski_lives (one hour ago) “Basically, that’s why I wrote: to save my ass, to save my ass from the madhouse, from the streets, from myself.”
Pictures are from The Library of Congress. This is a double repost.
Odor In The Court
Someone collected some courtroom transcripts, and issued them in book form. The result was Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History. You might have seen these on facebook already. If this is the case, you can go to the amazon one star comments at the end. If those are boring, you can look at the pictures, from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”. If none of that is amusing, then you can watch television.
These samples are typically chats between a witness and an attorney. To make this easier to read, these labels have been dropped. It is fairly obvious which one is the attorney, and which one id the witness. Some of these people might be in the witness protection program. Some need to be in the attorney protection program.
What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? ~ He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ~ And why did that upset you? ~ My name is Susan!
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? ~ Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Are you sexually active? ~ No, I just lie there.
What is your date of birth? ~ July 18th. ~ What year? ~ Every year.
How old is your son, the one living with you? ~ Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ~ How long has he lived with you? ~ Forty-five years.
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? ~ Yes. ~ And in what ways does it affect your memory? ~ I forget.. ~ You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? ~ Did you actually pass the bar exam?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? ~ He’s 20, much like your IQ.
Were you present when your picture was taken? ~ Are you shitting me?
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? ~ Yes. ~
And what were you doing at that time? ~ Getting laid
She had three children , right? ~ Yes. ~ How many were boys? ~ None. ~ Were there any girls? ~
Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
How was your first marriage terminated? ~ By death.. ~
And by whose death was it terminated? ~ Take a guess.
Can you describe the individual? ~ He was about medium height and had a beard ~
Was this a male or a female? ~ Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? ~ No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? ~
All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? ~ Oral…
Do you recall the time that you examined the body? ~ The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ~
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? ~ If not, he was by the time I finished.
Are you qualified to give a urine sample? ~ Are you qualified to ask that question?
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? ~ No. ~ Did you check for blood pressure? ~ No. ~ Did you check for breathing? ~ No.. ~ So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? ~ No. ~ How can you be so sure, Doctor? ~ Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ~ I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? ~ Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Now, the book has been published. There were 47 reviews. In the best Amazon tradition, 6 of them were one star haters. These often provide the best insight into the true nature of a book. Apparently, the exchanges that made facebook were the only funny ones to be found.
Foul language warning February 20, 2010 Photoman “esib” (Sandusky, Ohio) I only got four pages into the first chapter when I encountered foul language. I did not expect or want to read such tripe. Glad I got my copy at the library to review first. It’s going straight back to the library. Perhaps we should place warnings on books like they do for TV and movies.
Terrible August 5, 2012 Nicki Not funny. Dry. Waste of time & money purchasing this book. Will not even donate. I am an avid reader and I think this possibly is the worst book I have ever read. It was chore that I loathed.
Not so HOT !!! February 28, 2009 Mort Lasnik (REAL NAME) Read the entire book, It was not as funny or as good as the bits of it that I got in e-mail from friends. Some of it was darn right boreing !!!
Don’t buy the kindle version May 5, 2013 C Long (Hong Kong) Don’t buy the kindle version. Lots of pages are missing. I would rate it zero star if i could. I want my money back
The Funeral Of Your Enemy
Teju Cole continues to tweet. There are two items today that caught the attention here. The first is this: @tejucole “I learn more about privilege from what I get wrong about misogyny than from what I get right about racism.” There is probably a backstory there. 140 characters can only say so much.
The second tweet, and the subject of the bulk of this feature, goes like this. @tejucole “Everything I want in a piece of writing is here: Daniel Mendelsohn’s essay on the unburied: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2013/05/unburied-tamerlan-tsarvaev-and-the-lessons-of-greek-tragedy.html …”
The link is to a story in the New Yorker, Unburied: Tamerlan Tsarnaev and the Lessons of Greek Tragedy. It seems as though nobody in Massachusetts wanted to accept the remains of Tamerlan Tsarnaev. The body is in an unmarked grave, in a tiny cemetery in rural Virginia. The New Yorker quotes various stories in Greek literature, which has no shortage of violence. In the end, even your worst enemy deserves a decent burial. “This is the point that obsessed Sophocles’ Antigone: that to not bury her brother, to not treat the war criminal like a human being, would ultimately have been to forfeit her own humanity. This is why it was worth dying for.”
America is currently killing people, in neutral countries, with unmanned aircraft. There have been reports that funerals have been targeted. There are even reports of killing “terror suspects”, and then returning to attack the funeral later. At what point do you forfeit your own humanity?
Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
English Double Feature
Chamblee54 presents a double feature, borrowed from other sources on the internet. One is 21 Reasons Why English is Hard to Learn. There is a similar feature in the Chamblee54 archive, with better pictures. Part two is 10 Words You Mispronounce That Make People Think You’re an Idiot. The commentary is left out today, but is available by following the link, Pictures today are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”.</a
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish silverware.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
ATHLETE
Incorrect pronunciation: ath – a – leet
Correct pronunciation: ath – leet
ESCAPE / ESPRESSO / ET CETERA
Incorrect pronunciation: ex – cape / ex – presso / ex – set – err – uh
Correct pronunciation: ess – cape / ess – presso / ett – set – err – uh
NUCLEAR
Incorrect pronunciation: nuke – you – lerr
Correct pronunciation: new – clee – err
PRESCRIPTION / PREROGATIVE
Incorrect pronunciation: purr – scrip – shun / purr – ogg – uh – tiv
Correct pronunciation: pre – scrip – shun / pre – rogg – uh – tiv
UTMOST
Incorrect pronunciation: up – most
Correct pronunciation: utt – most
CANDIDATE
Incorrect pronunciation: can – uh – dett
Correct pronunciation: can – da – dett
SHERBET
Incorrect pronunciation: sherr – berrt
Correct pronunciation: sherr – bet
AWRY
Incorrect pronunciation: aww – ree
Correct pronunciation: uh – rye
FOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES
Incorrect pronunciation: “for all intensive purposes”
Correct pronunciation: “for all intents and purposes”
OFTEN
Incorrect pronunciation: off – ten
Correct pronunciation: off – en
Top 10 Quotes Against Work
There was a post at chamblee54 a year ago called Hank Bukowski Tweets. Towards the end there is a collection of twitter accounts based on the output of Charles Bukowski. On May 7, this produced: @bukowski_lives Top 10 Quotes Against Work (Bukowski is No. 10!) They are below, in reverse order. Pictures are from The Library of Congress. Spell check suggestion:Bukowski, Buckskin.
“It was true that I didn’t have much ambition, but there ought to be a place for people without ambition, I mean a better place than the one usually reserved. How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 6:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so?”
Charles Bukowski, Factotum, Black Sparrow Press, 1975
“My job consists of basically masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men’s room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that doesn’t so closely resemble Hell.” — American Beauty, 1999
“One of the saddest things is that the only thing that a man can do for eight hours a day, day after day, is work. You can’t eat eight hours a day nor drink for eight hours a day nor make love for eight hours—all you can do for eight hours is work. Which is the reason why man makes himself and everybody else so miserable and unhappy.” — William Faulkner, interview in Writers at Work, 1958
“I was called to the bathroom at the cemetery to take care of something. I walked in the bathroom and in the middle toilet right there . . . somebody didn’t shit in the toilet, somebody shat on the toilet. They shat on the wall, they shat on the floor. I had to clean it up, man, but before that, for about 10 to 15 seconds man, I just stared at somebody’s shit, man. To be totally honest with you, man, it was a really, really profound moment. Cause I was thinkin’, ‘I’m 30 years old and in about 10 seconds I gotta start cleaning up somebody’s shit, man.'” — American Movie, 1999
“Industrial man—a sentient reciprocating engine having a fluctuating output, coupled to an iron wheel revolving with uniform velocity. And then we wonder why this should be the golden age of revolution and mental derangement.” — Aldous Huxley, Time Must Have a Stop, 1944
“I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables—slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War’s a spiritual war . . . our Great Depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. ” — Fight Club, 1999
“Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do.” — Oscar Wilde
“For us to live any other way was nuts. Uh, to us, those goody-good people who worked shitty jobs for bum paychecks and took the subway to work every day, and worried about their bills, were dead. I mean they were suckers. They had no balls. If we wanted something we just took it. If anyone complained twice they got hit so bad, believe me, they never complained again.” — Goodfellas, 1990
“But men labor under a mistake. The better part of the man is soon ploughed into the soil for compost. By a seeming fate, commonly called necessity, they are employed, as it says in the old book, laying up treasures which moth and rust will corrupt and thieves break through and steal. It is a fool’s life, as they will find when they get to the end of it, if not before.” — Henry David Thoreau, Walden, 1854
“We don’t have a lot of time on this earth! We weren’t meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.” — Office Space, 1999
Jackson Katz
There was a link to a TED talk that promised to “Turn Every Man Who Watches It Into A Feminist.” PG gave it a try, and was not impressed.
The speaker was Jackson Katz. He likes to put the letters Ph.D. after his name. You have to dig into his biography to see that his doctorate is “in cultural studies and education from UCLA.”
The speech was given at a gathering called TEDxFiDiWomen. (Spell check suggestion: Committeewomen) It is an “independently organized TED event. The speech was about what men can do to reduce violence, mostly against women. The choir Dr. Katz preached to enjoyed the sermon. Did anyone who needs to change his behavior hear this talk?
Dr. Katz is an entertaining speaker. He spoke fast and loud, and the intensity of his rhetoric grew as he went along. He seemed to get his crowd fired up. How this emotion will be channeled is a good question. It would not surprise this viewer if some of these fired up women went home, and took the frustration out on a significant other. Verbal abuse is violence.
The first part of the lecture is wondering why this is considered a men’s issue. There were a few exercises in semantic mumbo jumbo, which might prove something. The idea that this is a human problem… that bullying and aggression are not good ways to treat people … is hinted at. Then, the focus goes back on the men, and how they need a “paradigm change”.
The moment when PG almost gave up on Dr. Katz involved racism. Yes, he had to throw that boogeyman in there. He gave the example of a bunch of white men having a conversation, and someone making a “racist remark.” The enlightened man is supposed to speak up, and say that this is not acceptable.
What PG wonders is why this was assumed to be a group of white men. Are you saying that only white people say rude things about other races? Or, maybe it is alright for black men to say rude things about white men. Until saying so called racist comments is considered wrong for all people, we are going to have a problem. At the very least, Dr. Katz is not as inclusive as he wants you to believe. Or maybe he just said something the “liberal” TED audience would find acceptable.
Some people find this sort of thing entertaining. It is possible that a man listening will hear this “leadership training” and learn to treat his neighbors better. PG suspects that the former is much more likely. The link is above if you want to hear it yourself.
Remote Transmitter
The “remote transmitter” is one cool device. It enables you to lock your car door from outside the car. If you stand next to the vehicle, and use the remote to lock the door, you will NEVER lock your keys inside.
The device had not worked well. It took a few seconds holding down the button to get things to happen. One day, it did not work at all, no matter how long you held the button down. PG thought it was the start of a long decline in the viability of the vehicle, which was an unpleasant thought.
The next day, the owners manual was consulted. PG did not even know what to call the doohickey, until he found remote transmitter. There was some language about putting a new battery in. This is probably going to be cheaper than replacing the receiver.
The first stop is the tool box. A set of small screw drivers was found. None of them would get the screw on the key fob to turn. PG decided to ge out, and get a screw driver along with the battery.
The auto parts store had one man working in it. After waiting on a few people, he got to PG. They would have to take the cover off the key fob to see what battery to put inside. Three screwdrivers were tried, and none worked. The parts store man took a long phone call, from a person that did not seem to understand some simple instructions. Meanwhile, PG was feeling worse, and worse, about the situation. When the long phone call was over, PG told the man that the dealer was the next stop.
Curry Honda has had mixed results over the years. PG did not want to go there, but saw few options. He was directed into the parts department. A man tried to take the screw out, and it did not want to leave the casing. The parts man went to see a buddy in the service department, but the buddy was at the hospital with his sick wife. PG had another key, which had been resting in a box for seven years. The parts man was able to get the screw out of that key, and replace the battery. With a new screw, the total came to $16.44. The remote transmitter now works. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
Thomas Jefferson Said What?
PG was wasting time with facebook when he saw a friend say “Damn I love this quote”. The passage being praised was “If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor.” Desmond Tutu.
The rhetoric alert started to flash. These days, the wolf and the sheep buy their clothes at the same Walmart. To hear some oppressors talk the talk, they are the ones under attack. It is tough to tell the good guys from the bad guys. Also, as the Kony fiasco showed, often you can make things worse by getting mixed up. Sometimes the best thing to do is mind your own business.
Ok, now that is out of the way. Some lines sound good, but don’t hold up to a bit of thinking. As for the veracity of the quote, Desmond Tutu may very well have said it. (or maybe one of his rivals said it, and Mr. Tutu copied it.) The quote has been attributed to Thomas Jefferson, Edmund Burke, Patrick Henry, and probably others. Almost no one has a source, for the quote, from the dead white guys.
There was a discussion in Prison Planet Forum about BHO, and his alleged good buddy Larry Sinclair. The signature line for one of the posts was that crowd pleaser, “All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent.” Thomas Jefferson. All that needed to happen to get the party started was to highlight the quote, right click, and ask Mr. Google to help.
A post called MISQUOTING THE FOUNDERS did not mince words. “The only problem with this scene that has been repeated many times across the country is that Thomas Jefferson never said that, never wrote that, and quite possibly never thought it. Our aspiring politician had fallen victim to the perils of popular misattribution. You could fill a book with misquotes and misattributed quotes we hear repeated regularly today. Right now if I Google “All tyranny needs to gain a foothold is for people of good conscience to remain silent” the entire first page of results wrongly attribute it to Thomas Jefferson. The quote and its many variants have been attributed in the past to Thomas Paine and Edmund Burke, but no record exists of the quote in any of their writings or contemporary accounts.”
On November 13, 1787, Mr. Jefferson wrote a letter to William Smith. The letter is full of zesty quotes. “What country before ever existed a century & a half without a rebellion? & what country can preserve it’s liberties if their rulers are not warned from time to time that their people preserve the spirit of resistance? Let them take arms. The remedy is to set them right as to facts, pardon & pacify them. What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. It is it’s natural manure.”
A few lines above that, Mr. Jefferson said “God forbid we should ever be 20 years without such a rebellion.” Twenty years after he wrote this, Mr. Jefferson was President. He probably did not want to deal with a revolution when he was President.
Getting back to the quote about tyranny, Martin Porter wrote an entertaining essay, A study of a Web quotation. He gives credit, or blame, to Edmund Burke. First, a list of different versions is presented. This is a clue that something is awry. The conclusion: “There is no original. The quote is bogus, and Burke never said it. It is a pseudo-quote, and corresponds to real quotes in the same way that urban legends about the ghost hitch-hiker vanishing in the back of the car and alligators in the sewers correspond to true news stories.”
Mr. Porter wrote a follow up essay, Four Principles of Quotation. These principles are:
Principle 1 (for readers) Whenever you see a quotation given with an author but no source assume that it is probably bogus.
Principle 2 (for readers) Whenever you see a quotation given with a full source assume that it is probably being misused, unless you find good evidence that the quoter has read it in the source.
Principle 3 (for quoters) Whenever you make a quotation, give the exact source.
Principle 4 (for quoters) Only quote from works that you have read.
If these principles were to be used, then there would be a lot less hotheaded talking on the intercom. Those who are trying to influence you to the justice of their cause will not want you to read this. Pictures for this feature are from The Library of Congress. These pictures are Union soldiers, from the War Between the States. When war is discussed, all inspiring quotes are in doubt.
This is a repost. It is written like James Joyce. In the past year, doing due diligence on alleged quotes has become a hobby. Many people don’t care who said it, if they agree with the thoughts expressed. The prevailing thought is that an idea becomes more true with a famous name at the end. If the famous person is deceased, and cannot defend his/her reputation, that is not a problem. People do not like being told that Santa Claus does not exist.
Chamblee54 
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