Chamblee54

“Elephants make me feel like I’m the right size,” – Newt Gingrich ~ Matt is too loud, and a bit distorted. Bill is not loud enough. This can be worked out. ~ five syllables here seven more syllables there are you happy now? ~ re: strippers, they are displaying their body parts in front of liquored up horndogs. The judgment challenged audience gives them money. I would say the objectification is mutual, with consent on both sides. (fb) ~ This helped me focus better during my meditation today. “Being mindful means that we suspend judgment for a time, set aside our immediate goals for the future, and take in the present moment as it is rather than as we would like it to be. It’s a way of shifting from doing to being so that we take in all the information that an experience offers us before we act.”-The Mindful Way Through Depression (and also impatience and restlessness) (fb) ~ AstroNuttCaseSpace:I love being kicked in the balls! I love having my penis burned with cigarettes! I love drinking piss! I live in NY and can travel or pay for your travel plus PAY you! If interested send an IM and be sure to ask about my really twisted fantasy! PICS IN PROFILE! ~ All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become. ― Siddhārtha Gautama (fb) ~ ‏@tejucole In San Jose, Orr and Baker, and in Cleveland, Hunter, respectively, racing motorcyles, entered the everlasting brightness. (tw) ~ @tejucole Someone tossed an empty bottle from the Ulster & Delaware train. Clement, walking by the tracks, caught it with his skull. (tw) ~ @tejucole Perhaps Joseph “English Joe” Middleton, of West 20th Street, wasn’t a thief as Mrs Roe insisted. But he’s certainly a murderer now. (tw) ~ @tejucole Mary Hall died at Croton Hall. Zanza, Guista, Cona, Cali, Di Marro, and Di Marro, did it, and will take turns sitting in the electric chair. (tw) ~ ‏@tejucole Last Thursday, $800 went missing in Harlem, as did William Murphy, in whose pocket the money was. (tw) ~ Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives. (tln) ~She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that. (tln) ~I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me (tln) ~Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2? (tln) ~Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth (tln) ~I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point (tln) ~The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka (tln) ~ “Perhaps then in the final analysis, faith, dogmatically understood, must be traded for love. Doubts are the burden that believers must carry to keep their eyes opened to the suffering of others.” ~Richard Beck, from The Authenticity of Faith: The Varieties and Illusions of Religious Experience (fb) ~ I used to tell a lot of religious jokes. Not any more…. I’m a registered sects offender. (fb) ~ Patty Liverance, Grand Rapids, MI Betsy Replogle, Nichols Hills, OK Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA Andrew Allingham, Fairfax, VA Marvin Veto, Greensboro, NC Donna P. Titus, Freeland, PA D. Drake Daggett, Omro, WI ~ Happy times. It is good to see people still fighting the good fight. It is odd to think of you as a Christian, since I found this through the comments at Renegade Evolution. ~ 1- As long as racism as seen as being a white people’s problem, it is going to get worse. 2- To have a conversation, you need to have listening. 3-The expression “People of color” needs to be abandoned. If you have to have a label for African Americans, you can do better than that. When an Indian claims the privilege to speak “as a POC”, something is very wrong. Your typical Georgia redneck has more in common with black people than an Indian. Using correct gender pronoun does not help. ~ If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution. -Emma Goldman (fb) ~ “As we open and empty ourselves, we come to experience an interconnectedness, the realization that all things are joined and conditioned in an interdependent arising. Each experience and event contains all others.” ~ Jack Kornfield, “A Path With Heart” (fb) ~ Happy False Sense of Freedom While Pretending to be Patriotic as You Burn Shyt on a Grill Before You or Your Idiot Neighbors Shoot The Tools of So-Called Freedom Up in the Air Where They Fall Back To Earth and Ends Someone Elses Freedom Day. (fb) ~ Yeah… I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I’m straight afterwards. (tln) ~I beat my mom’s friend’s boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW. (tln) ~ Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA. (tln) ~@tejucole Every life is precious. Nevertheless, a body, unidentified, was placed, by persons unknown, on the elevated track at 123rd Street. (tw) ~ @tejucole At a mill in Waterbury, a splinter from the plank Frank sawed flew into his thigh. Slowly, sadly, his story ends. (tw) ~ This six seconds just made my day. If you are not totally burned out about racial discussions, the entire discussion is of value. The sound is horrible. ~ I’m rotating out of the chairmanship at the end of the summer. It can’t be soon enough for me. Dealing with the couple of wacko colleagues in our department has been unadulterated misery. Everything lands on my desk and although I’ve read numerous books on conflict resolution, there’s just no fixing what ails these folks. ~ Were you better at spelling, I might take your arguments more seriously. ~ I have mixed feelings. When I see you, it is usually in group settings, and there is not much of a chance for one on one communication. I sometimes enjoy your commentary online, and sometimes I am annoyed by it. In any event, it is easy to ignore when I don’t like it. As for the flame wars, the truth is that a lot of these people are wounded, and are acting accordingly. Maybe they really are that mean. Just because others have hurt you, or your people, that does not give you the right to hurt others. ~ 1-I started to write about this, and quickly ran out of steam. Maybe a running list will do. Taking your own advice is dangerous. 2-If something is not fun, you should not do it, unless you have to. 3- The racism jihad has created collateral damage. 4- When I see you, it is usually in group settings, and there is not much of a chance for one on one communication. 5- I enjoy having my own corner of the innertube when the urge to share is overwhelming. 6- Andrew Sullivan, bless his heart, says the worst thing you can do to a blogger is ignore her. 7- The facebook fad is fading. 8- You might qualify as a “POC”. 9- Most top ten lists should stop at nine. ~Greetings From Mr Joe Bob. I work in bank In West Africa,Burkina faso .I have a business transaction for you. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $10.5 Million US Dollars .In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in car bomb in Iraq. Since his supposed next of kin died along side with him at the Bomb blast,there is nobody to claim the left over balance in the account.It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department decided to seek your assistance and present you to the bank as his Next of kin.If you accept i would give you the guide lines of how we can achieve this transfer of the balance (10.5Million Dollars) to your account.and we will shear the money 50-50%. I expect that you will give me your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication with you and for more details. ~ I don’t have just a bad case of ennui; I have a rancid truckload. No food seems good, no book seems good, no movie, no art idea. I dressed for running this morning, got to the door, and couldn’t think of any route that seemed attractive, so I changed out of my running stuff and got back in bed and read the 1927 Sears catalog. I am listless and enervated and possibly neurasthenic and lord knows what else. (fb) ~ @historyweird c.1070: To cure impotence, Constantine suggests making pills from the brains of 30 male sparrows, fried in the kidney fat of a billy goat. (tw) ~ ‏@historyweird 1555: Della Casa condemns those who blow their nose & look inside the handkerchief – “as if pearls or rubies have descended from the brain”. (tw) ~ @historyweird 1602: Dutch explorer Pieter de Marees notes the men of Guinea all have “a great privy member” but are afflicted with worms “in their cods”. (tw) ~@NPRdeabs: “You’re only as needy as your unmet needs”-Amir Levine #AspenIdeas So true… (tw) ~ @darrwest Seems wrong that I luxuriate at #aifestival while 800,000 in @DC have no power or AC. As sign of solidarity, I will turn off my AC. (tw) ~ @KBAndersen One reason to come to the Aspen Ideas Festival: you’re @AnneKreamer, you wear your Tory Burch dress, & @toryburch says you look great in it. (tw) ~ But I think it’s more specific attitudes that people disrespect, not the body that attitude’s coming out of. A man being inappropriately assertive may give the “bossed up” impression to some, but probably elicits a similar “what a bitch” impression as well. Similarly, an assertive woman might get the “what a bitch” response from something she says or does, but there are going to be just as many people who are sympathetic to her POV and will give her the “you go girl” encouragement we so often see. Yes, there’s sexism and racism in our society, but we’re an incredibly diverse society – so much so that neither prejudice nor support really overwhelm one another. If you go looking for support, you’ll find it. Go looking for criticism, you’ll certainly find it. Her “you have to be…everything” schpiel isn’t so much an indication of sexism as it is an indication of unrealistic expectations – which men are subjected to just as much as women. (fb) ~ These visits to alternative reality are from a variety of sources. Included are Facebook (fb), twitter (tw), Futility Closet (fc), All Aphorisms, All The Time (Aph), Texts From Last Night (tln) , and Overheard in New York (ony). Attempts to maintain a no profanity blog were  suspended for this post. ~ Selah

What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved!
What’s red, white, black and blue? Uncle Sam falling down the steps!
What would you get if you crossed Washington’s home with nasty insects? Mt. Vermin!
What did a patriot put on his dry skin? Revo-lotion!
Which colonists told the most jokes? Punsylvanians!
What was General Washington’s favourite tree? The infantry!
Where did George Washington buy his hatchet? At the chopping mall!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country? Beneduck Arnold!
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog? Yankee Poodle!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? The horse was too heavy to carry!
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? The Americans licked the British!
This waste of bandwidth is a repost.
The credit, or blame, for the jokes goes to JokesFunny.com.
Pictures are from the “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”.

By the time this is posted, it will be July 2. In non leap years, July 2 is the middle of the year, with 182 days before and after. In Leap years, it is day 184, which is the second day of the second half.Many things have happened on this day.
In 1776, the Continental Congress voted to declare Independence from Great Britain. Many feel that this is the true birthday of the United States. Of course, the tradition is to celebrate on the fourth, and tradition usually wins out over facts. In a reversal from the Independence theme, in 1962, the first Wal Mart opened in Rogers, Arkansas. An actor bought a sweater.
Taking the freedom theme a step further, in 1839, fifty three rebelling African slaves, led by Joseph Cinque, took over the slave ship Amistad. In 1964, President Lyndon Baines Johnson signed the Civil Rights Actinto law.
Most days have famous people born on them. In 18th century Germany, Christoph Willibald Gluck (1714) and Friedrich Gottlieb Klopstock (1724) caught a ride with the stork. On July 2, 1877, Hermann Hesse entered the earth. 1929 saw a barefoot Imelda Marcos. In 1932, Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas was born. Richard Petty followed in 1937, Jose Canseco in 1964, and Lindsay Lohan in 1986.
How many dates feature the death of an actor who played a Funeral home employee? Fred Gwynne , who played Herman Munster, left the planet on July 2, 1993. Other performers to exit stage right include Betty Grable (1973), Lee Remick (1991), Jimmy Stewart(1997), and Beverly Sills (2007). Other famous people who didn’t see July third include Nostradamus (1566), Ernest Hemingway (1961) and Vladimir Nabokov (1977).
Death was involved in some historic events on July 2. In 1863, this was the second day of the Battle of Gettysburg. This battle is considered the turning point of the War Between the States. In 1881, President James Garfield was fatally wounded by Charles Guiteau. The cartoon cat did not have a comment. 1934 saw the Night of the Long Knives. Ernst Rohm met his maker.
Many thanks to Wikipedia for the information in this repost.

I want a dyke for president. I want a person with aids for president, and I want a fag for vice president and I want someone with no health insurance and I want someone who grew up in a place where the earth is so saturated with toxic waste they didn’t have a choice about getting leukemia. I want a president that had an abortion at sixteen and I want a candidate who isn’t the lesser of two evils and I want a president who lost their last lover to aids, who still see that in their eyes every time they lay down to rest, who held their lover in their arms and knew they were dying. I want a president with no air conditioning, a president who has stood on line at the clinic, at the dmv, at the welfare office and has been unemployed and layed off and sexually harrassed and gaybashed and deported. I want someone who has spent the night in the tombs and had a cross burned on their lawn and survived rape. I want someone who has been in love and been hurt, who respects sex, who has made mistakes and learned from them. I want a Black woman for president. I want someone with bad teeth and an attitude, someone who has eaten that nasty hospital food, someone who crossdresses and has done drugs and been in therapy. I want someone who has committed civil disobedience. And I want to know why this isn’t possible. I want to know why we started learning somewhere down the line that a president is always a clown, always a john and never a hooker. Always a boss and never a worker, always a liar, always a thief, and never caught. This monolog was borrowed from facebook.

This is a repost double feature. It is on the general subject of motivation, inspiration, and manipulation. Such things are like perfume…nice to sniff at, but dangerous to swallow. Pictures are from the ” Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”
Back when I was at redo blue, we traded some printing for a motivational speech. The speaker was D. J. Harrington. He came on stage with a telephone handset, demonstrating how to answer the telephone. There were a lot of statistics, like you get 50 percent more information when you use your left ear. ( This is a made up example, not a quote. I don’t remember any of his examples) It reminded me of something a teacher said once…: ” The best way to win an argument is to use statistics. The best way to get statistics is to make them up”
On the all important issue of what to say when you answer the squawk box, he suggested “How may I direct your call?” Now, I like to identify the company and myself as briefly as possible, and quit wasting the customer’s time. Mister customer knows why he called. HMIDYC is seven unnecessary syllables that do your customer no good.
As some of you know, I have a sensitive BS detector. This gets in the way of being “motivated”. When confronted with a entertainer motivational speaker, I try to glean one or two worthwhile tidbits. I give D.J.H. credit, he did make one good comment. “You must sell yourself first, your company second, and your product third” There are some idea mongers who feel I owe them my trust. I beg to differ.
Mr. Harrington used to call his dog and pony show “C*** U* F*** T** N*** U*.That phrase is currently a registered trademark of the Mood Disorders Association of Ontario and may be used with permission only.
Redo Blue was a diverse company. I suspect D.J.H. toned down some of the good ole boy touches from his presentation. Towards the end, he described a speech he gave in Oklahoma. “The only Catholics they have ever seen are Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne” He proceeded to tell a tasteless story about the Catholic Church. I was almost motivated to walk out.

In an early morning discourse, I said that Martin Niemöller was rolling in his grave looking for the royalties from his poem, “First they came…“. A little research later, I don’t think he ever wrote it down. For those of you with very short memories, here is the work…

When the Nazis came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.

When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.

When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.

When they came for the Jews,
I remained silent;
I wasn’t a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.
Martin Niemöller

Martin Niemöller was the son of a Lutheran minister. In World War 1, he served on a U boat crew. Harold Marcuse tells this story: “Niemöller was a commander of a German U-boat in World War I. A seminal incident in his moral outlook, as he related in many public speeches later in his life, occurred when he commanded his submarine crew not to rescue the sailors of a boat he torpedoed, but let them drown instead. “
After the war Mr. Niemöller became a Lutheran Minister. He was originally a supporter of Mr. Hitler, but became an opponent. He was imprisoned in Sachsenhausen and Dachau concentration camps from 1937 to 1945.
After the war, he began to speak out. The famous poem was derived from these speeches. It was never written down in typical poet fashion. There are several versions of it from him, and many more as the years rolled by. It has been quoted, updated, and quoted again.
In addition to the four groups mentioned above, the Nazis also came for mentally ill, incurably ill, or people in occupied countries. The legend is that when asked if he included Catholics, Mr. Niemöller said “I never said it. They can take care of themselves.” (If you have a few minutes to spare, the page that quote came from is worth looking at.) When the McCarthy fever hit America, he declined to mention Communists.
With regard to the royalties, I could not see that it was ever copyrighted. I do not know who “owns the rights”. Some have even speculated that the poem was not composed by Mr. Niemöller.
Recently, there was a blog post that quoted “First they came…” The post was about gay marriage. With all due respect to the people affected by this, the ability to marry someone of the same gender does not come close to a government killing six million Jews. .
There is the Rebel looking for a cause syndrome. Many people just want to fight about something, and the cause is secondary to the lust for battle. When a poem like this is used to fire up people for a shaky cause, it brings discredit to the poem..
There is the matter of the “Next Hitler” argument. During the run up to the first war against Iraq, Saddam Hussein was routinely called the next Hitler. While this may be a valid argument at times, it is like the boy who cried wolf if used too much. (This is also known as Godwin’s Law ).
Maybe a general moratorium is needed on the use of “First they Came…”

These visits to alternative reality are from a variety of sources. Included are Facebook (fb), twitter (tw), Futility Closet (fc), All Aphorisms, All The Time (Aph), Texts From Last Night (tln) , and Overheard in New York (ony). Attempts to maintain a no profanity blog will be suspended for this post. ~ ‏@bukquotes “these demons have staying power.” ~ Charles Bukowski (tw) ~ Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I’m hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life. (tln) ~ We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there’s a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods. (tln) ~ ts official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times (tln) ~ Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that’s me yo, certify ya soon (tln) ~ “Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.”–Napoleon Bonaparte” (fb) ~ The acquisition of knowledge allows room for growth. That’s only if and when you are willing too grow. (fb) ~ “Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all others are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he usually proves that he is one himself.” — H.L. Mencken (fc) ~ “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” – MLK (fb) ~ With Due Respect, I apologize if the contents hereunder are contrary to your moral ethics. But please treat with absolute secrecy and confidentiality. I am Dr. Ouadrago Mathieu, currently retired director general & former auditor for banquet de l’ habitat ; Ouagadougou Burkina Faso, while reviewing the current items decease account relating to the decease bank customer , I discover sum of $ 9.2 million united state dollars only yet to our unsatisfactory organs and un able to indicated the true beneficiary owned to these funds. I need your kind jestures, willing fully to assist me in transferring these funds into your account. If you are interesting, i will focus your sight to inherit these funds. Contact me at: ouadragomathiu@yahoo.com Hoping your information. Dr. Ouadrago Mathieu.~ This video has been reported to be age-restricted. Dailymotion understands that some content may not be appropriate for all users. We provide a Family Filter so that you can choose the content best suited to your personal interest.Turning OFF the Family Filter may display content that is only suitable for viewers over 18 years of age. ~ Click the button below if you are over 18 and would like to turn OFF the Family Filter. ~ Благодарение на интереса и желанието на участниците миналата седмица, правим второ издание на групово дишане в София — на 12 юни 2012, от 19:30 ч. отново в Юнити. Заповядайте! :) (fb) ~ herndondavis@aol.com When you discussed the violence in our society, you forget the verbal violence of the Jesus Worship Church. Preachers verbally abuse their flock every sunday, and they say glory amen. Is it any wonder that many so called men of G-d have anger management issues? This goes for white preachers as well… the color of your skin is not a valid excuse. ~ CONFIDENTIALITY NOTICE: This message is for the designated recipient only and may contain privileged or confidential information. If you have received it in error, please notify the sender immediately and delete the original. Any other use of this email is prohibited. IRS Circular 230 Disclosure: Under U. S. Treasury regulations, I am required to inform you that any tax advice contained in this e-mail or any attachment hereto is not intended to be used, and cannot be used, to avoid penalties imposed under the Internal Revenue Code. ~ @KimKardashian Gonna challange myself today at the gym! (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport Patriotic billionaires: instead of funding yet another superPAC, maybe build an emergency room? (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport The gender gap the GOP is dealing with may have to do with women’s irrational desire to control their own bodies. (tw) ~ Redirected from Jesus Christ · Public Figure · Corona, California Description above from the Wikipedia article Jesus, licensed under CC-BY-SA full list of contributors here. Community Pages are not affiliated with, or endorsed by, anyone associated with the topic. (fb) ~ If any of my friends, associates, or members of the global community feel that being connected to me on here will compromise their safety (as a minority and/or member of an oppressed group (or “groups”)) and incite oppression on them for certain content posted (LGBTQ/feminist/queer/radical community organizing/etc. media), I encourage you to close our connection on here for your safety and disregard any concerns about how it will be received by me, because it’s perfectly okay. We all live in different circumstances and your safety matters. We can certainly stay connected through other means as well. Love, peace, comfort, and solidarity. (fb) ~ Also, if you “unfriend” me for reasons of disagreeing with me or just don’t want to really connect with me, I respect your decision and your person. (fb) ~ @BorowitzReport Prescriptions for ADHD have increased over the past six years. In other news, Twitter was founded six years ago. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport There are few things more gratifying in life than being attacked by someone who can’t spell. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport Obama will find Romney harder to stop than bin Laden because at least with bin Laden he knew his exact position. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport Dear people talking loudly into your cellphones: Please try to make your conversations more interesting to listen to. (tw) ~ ‏@BorowitzReport If we banned political ads, it would be interesting to see if billionaires who say they love America would spend their money on America. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport We took cigarette ads off TV because they were bad for our nation’s health. So why not do the same for political ads? (tw) ~ ‏@historyweird 1899: The Imperial Palace makes public news of the Guangxu emperor’s impotence, his renal and urinary pains, and his eczema of the scrotum. (tw) ~ ‏@historyweird 324BC: A sobbing Alexander the Great stays in bed with the corpse of his general & lover, Hephaistion, for two whole days and nights. (tw) ~ ‏@historyweird c.70AD: To increase sexual appetite, Pliny suggests wearing the right testicle of an ass, tied to the wrist as a bracelet. (tw) ~ @historyweird 1326: London’s coroner finds that Richard le Rakiere died of drowning – after his latrine seat collapsed, dropping him into a full cesspit. (tw) ~ @historyweird 1140: William of Malmesbury claims that Henry I (who had several concubines & 24 bastard children) is “completely free of fleshly lusts”. (tw) ~ @historyweird 1936: Hitler is snapped hugging US Olympic runner Helen Stephens – and flies into a rage, beating up the photographer & smashing his camera. (tw) ~ @historyweird 1603: In Landes, 13yo Jean Grenier, confesses to being a werewolf, eating children and raping maidens. He is declared insane and locked up. (tw) ~ @historyweird c.79AD: Latin graffito from a walled lane at Pompeii: “Hic ego cum veni futui, deinde redei domi” (“I came here, had sex, then went home”). (tw) ~ ‏@historyweird c.120: Pollux writes that at Athenian weddings, the best man guards the bedroom door – to stop the bride’s friends entering if she screams. (tw) ~ @historyweird 1788: British surgeon Worgan is very tempted by naked Australian women – but put off by the “excrementitious matter” coming from their noses (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport I am starting a petition to rename Michigan “Michvagina.” Please RT, this is important. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport It’s important to turn off our computers & do things in the real world, or we won’t have anything to tweet about. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport “I need to do extensive reading on this complex subject before I give an educated opinion.” — Web comment that has never been made (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport Only a billion more lies till the election. (tw) ~ You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever. (tln) ~ The ultimate Father’s Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop. (tln) ~ I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I’m pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza (tln) ~ Don’t ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs. (tln) ~ It summer and it’s getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents. (tln) ~ The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN. (tln) ~ Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable… (tln) ~ Can I just say that you’re probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am? (tln) ~ @BorowitzReport China will launch a manned space mission this summer, around the same time the US launches the 6th season of Jersey Shore (tw) ~ @borowitzreport: The NY Times print edition is a great way to test ur memory of what u read yesterday online. (tw) ~ ‏@DailyCurmudgeon woman was arrested for making meth inside a Walmart, which has a strict policy against American-made products. (tw) ~ “@BorowitzReport: Saying you’ll unfollow someone on Twitter is a threat akin to turning down a free pizza flyer on the street.” (tw) ~ ‏@chrisguillebeau Struggling to Fill #2 Post, Al-Qaeda Resorts to LinkedIn — http://aonc.co/LSaHvV (tw) ~ “Had Constantine chosen to embrace paganism when he moved to consolidate his power throughout the Roman sphere of influence, christianity would be nothing today.”—Unknown. (fb) ~ MEMBER QUOTE OF THE DAY: Post your own Atheist quote that is of “YOUR OWN INTELLECTUAL CREATION” in the comment section below. The member quote that gets the most likes by other members will have their quote posted tomorrow morning. RULES: 1. One quote per person. you can vote more than once. 2. No Plagiarized Material, plagiarized quotes will be deleted. 3. No Debating or personal opinions on this thread, quotes only 4. Use intelligence not profanity. 5. No campaigning for votes. (fb) ~ “Religion… It’s like a bunch of women fighting over who has the biggest penis.”–Ali Mangalji (fb) ~ @BorowitzReport: The American political system: where billions are spent to find candidates the voters hate. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport: Starbucks bought a baked goods chain to improve their food. Now they have to buy a coffee chain and they’re good to go. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport: The New York Times print edition is a great way to test your memory of what you read yesterday online. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport: I wonder if when the Chinese bought America they knew that it included Arizona. (tw) ~ @BorowitzReport: Sunday Thought: Rapture would be awesome if it meant all the people who believe in it would suddenly be gone. (tw) ~ This Week’s Member Quote of The Day Competition Winner: “Religion is the root of all evil, money just funds it.”–Samuel Kerby (fb) ~ Matt K. Lewis made a comment about cultural changes in the sixties. This seemed a bit odd, since Mr. Lewis would seem to be 35 at the absolute oldest. The murder of John Kennedy took place in 1963, at least 12 years before Mr. Lewis was born. Neither wikipedia, facebook, nor a blog biography listed a date of birth. Perhaps Mr. Lewis is a space alien. ~ For the sake of the writers’ ideas, ‘less is more’ is a proverb to be applied to candy and glue, not to aphorisms. —Catherine Lentini (Aph) ~ To rebel one must wear the right uniform. —Devan Marques (Aph) ~ Be your own definition. —Amanda Haggerty (Aph) ~ Secure your own mask before helping others. —Jan-Erik Asplund (Aph) ~ There’s no point criticizing the rules of a game you can’t change; you’ve just got to learn them and play them as best as you can. —Corey Ecay (Aph) ~ You can only understand the power of language once you have lost it. —Lauren Glading (Aph) ~ I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today’s off to a good start. (tln) ~ Dude. Get me out of here. I’m surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it. (tln) ~ He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero (tln) ~ you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs (tln) ~ i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us (tln) ~ If 26 stitches didn’t sober her up, nothing will. (tln) ~ Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke….and then do it (tln) ~ at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool (tln) ~ Sometimes a dumb thing is a thing worth saying. —Alan Dupont (Aph) ~ College is a place where the people who need it least are told things that the world needs to know. —Dylan Scott (Aph) ~ Visit a city to observe the behavior of animals. —Anna Eckert-Kramer (Aph) ~ First impressions are the last chance to impress. —Lila Cutter (Aph) ~and of course the ‘entire community is made up of charlatans, wishful thinkers, randroids, internet utopians, and outright hucksters wallowing in an orgy of scams and piss poor resource management desperately trying to convince more people to buy in and secure their positions in The New Zillionaires’ thing (fb) ~ Conservative, Liberal, and Libertarian are aligned with the bowel movement. chamblee54 ~ Well, the contest is over and I did not win dinner for two with President Obama, hosted by Sarah Jessica Parker at her home in New York. To be honest, I’m more disappointed about not meeting Sarah Jessica Parker than about not meeting President Obama. I was going to give the president the books “Occupy” by Noam Chomsky and “The Big Book of Christian Mysticism” by Carl McColman, then send him on his way so I could stay up all night drinking Cosmos with Sarah Jessica. I was going to wear my lavender dress shirt with my Scottish tartan necktie. It was going to be fabulous. (fb) ~ I maintain that the translations of Jesus saying love thy neighbor were incorrect. What he really said was to be kind to your neighbor. One is a thought, the other is an action. What you do is more important that what you think…. Unable to post comment. Try Again … maybe facebook doesn’t agree with me (fb) ~ @michaelbd Why won’t the Vatican recognize the life experiences of sincere Christians who happen to find great good in orgies? tw ~ Selah

There is a twitter fight going on. On one side is #LiberalismIn4Words, with the predictable alternative #ConservatismIn4Words. Momma’s basement  is buzzing with activity.
PG has always maintained that Liberal and Conservative are meaningless words, designed to start pointless arguments. @MacGhil The Ruling Class’ divide & conquer strategy: We attack each other, & they amass power & wealth. #ConservatismIn4words #LiberalismIn4Words.
There seem to be a lot of notions about the “other side”, which may or may not be true. The possibility exists that the tweets say more about the sender than they do their opponent. ‏@loghaD #LiberalismIn4Words Yet another meaningless label. #ConservatismIn4Words Yeah, that one too.
‏@SooperMexican ***Analytical Evidence Conservatives won hashtag battles #Liberalismin4words and #conservatismin4words: Stupid Liberals Call For Political Hashtag War, Conservatives Destroy Them. Mr. Mexican throws a bunch of statistics out, and makes the claim that conservatives won this battle. There is a difference between prove and indicate.
In preparing this report, PG copied lists of “top tweets” for both hashtags. He sorted the tweets into four groups. This is just one person’s view. The only thing that it proves is that PG has too much free time. We already knew that.
The first category is abortion. Evidently, conservatives think liberals get off on murdering babies. Liberals are snickering about how politicians are taking advantage of well meaning conservatives. The truth is that abortion is a free lunch issue. You denounce it to your hearts content, and no one pays atttention to your ethical shortcomings.
@SueLantto: every person has value #truth #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@JackTomczak Except a baby girl @kentkaiser Or a Down’s baby.
‏@ballergirl34 #LiberalismIn4Words We care about children.
#ConservatismIn4Words Only before they’re born.
@CnservativePunk Kill babies. Free criminals. #Liberalismin4words
‏@Paul_Conrad Pro-life until it’s born #conservatismin4words
‏@RaisingOneBrow #ConservatismIn4Words Your body, our business.
The second category is things that make you say huh. A.K.A. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
Some arguments bend logic into funny shapes. Both sides play this game.
‏@L_Wheels #ConservatismIn4Words Attack America? You die.
#LiberalismIn4Words Attack America? My apologies.
@keder Conservative women: way hotter. #ConservatismIn4Words
‏@MrKips #ConservatismIn4Words Let’s Twitterflog The Liberals
‏@keilemon Please vote “caste system.” #ConservatismIn4Words
‏@TechBrigade #ConservatismIn4Words – Man walked with dinosaurs
‏@JustenCharters Taxes Mean Free Stuff. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@theGrudgeRetort Greece got it right. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@theGrudgeRetort Math is hard, ya’ll. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@LittleSlav #LiberalismIn4Words I don’t need 4. One word is sufficient: unamerican
‏@VAKruta Tolerance, except for Christians. #LiberalismIn4Words
@ExJon #LiberalismIn4Words Racisty, Racist Racist! RAAAAAAAAAAACIST!
‏@jorticulture #LiberalismIn4Words concede positions then bargain, ahahaha yep america
The third category is things that apply to both liberals and conservatives. In these tweets, replace the hastag with a blank space. It is tough to tell who is talking about who. This considers the actions of these partisans, and not just the rheroric.
@joachim #LiberalismIn4Words Your Reckless Spending Addiction
@NonLiberalVTer I deserve your money. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@brendlewhat #LiberalismIn4Words meanwhile, your skeleton waits
‏@spaceship_earth #LiberalismIn4Words important to win argument
‏@RepubGirlProbz #LiberalismIn4Words They don’t use logic
‏@EricBandazewski #LiberalismIn4Words It Works In Theory
#ConservatismIn4Words It Works In Reality
@RepubGirlProbz #LiberalismIn4Words Biggest idiots in America
‏@DLoesch You all are racists. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@SenMikeLee Constitutional? Are you serious? #liberalismin4words
‏@IMAO_ Make every city Detroit. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@derekahunter Facts do not matter #LiberalismIn4Words
@Tomm_Dogg #LiberalismIn4Words Tweet whatever you want.
‏@KristinaRibali The world owes me #Liberalismin4Words
‏@KristinaRibali I am a victim #liberalismin4words
‏@bob_owens Die once. Vote forever. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@SooperMexican Let’s Outlaw All Consequences! #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@lheal Tax, Borrow, Print, Spend. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@JustenCharters Life Is Not Fair. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@JustenCharters Lacks perspective. Shuns reality. #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@thatalexyarde Crappy days here again #ConservatismIn4Words
‏@patticar #ConservatismIn4Words Harvest Everything Forget Tomorrow
‏@word_34 #ConservatismIn4Words Never Actually Read Constitution
‏@ballergirl34 #LiberalismIn4Words Where in the Constitution?
#ConservatismIn4Words I’m sorry, the what?
‏@JenGranholm #ConservatismIn4Words: Let Detroit Go Bankrupt
#ConservatismIn4Words Americans have short memories
‏@La_Shawn It’s not my fault! #LiberalismIn4Words
‏@Im_bonafide #LiberalismIn4Words .. Let Me Be Clear…
‏@Ennui_Raver #liberalismin4words Yard work oh boy
@ThatGuySpike #LiberalismIn4Words: Full understanding of issues.
#ConservatismIn4Words: Off on a tangent.
@KRBCanada1 #conservatismin4words Demonize Instead Of Analyze
@malclave Living in THIS reality. #ConservatismIn4Words
Last are the winners in this contest. All of these tweeters get a free subscription to chamblee54.
‏@DavidAllenGreen Libertarianism for grown ups. #LiberalismIn4Words
@MlTTR0MNEY #LiberalismIn4Words Romney Ten Years Ago
‏@pari_passu RT @DrMaldoror: #ConservatismIn4Words Riding God’s Short Bus
@StevenDumas #ConservatismIn4Words No more Barack Kardashian.
‏@MlTTR0MNEY Help a Millionaire Out #ConservatismIn4Words
‏@ColdCauphee #ConservatismIn4Words Falsify War Get Rich
@Fireflysghost Organize Hegemony for Jesus #ConservatismIn4Words
@elbrigaciagar #Conservatismin4words Jesus loves Ayn Rand.
@word_34 #ConservatismIn4Words Never Actually Read Constitution
@elbrigaciagar Never read Bible either.
@purplehullpea #ConservatismIn4Words Wishes Mitt was likable
Pictures are from The Library of Congress.

You have probably heard about “The speech Bill Gates gave at a High School”. PG saw an image on facebook, and the BS detector went off. When did he make the speech? What high school, in what location? Was this the same speech we heard about a few years ago, when Microsoft was being sued for antitrust violations? Are these questions fair? Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!
These days, the answer is easy to find. Snopes is a friend of Mr. Google. The authoritative word is “misappropriated”. Bill Gates did not make a speech to a high school. Nor did Kurt Vonnegut. The eleven rules came from a newspaper column written by Charles J. Sykes. The column was published in the San Diego Union Tribune on September 19, 1996. The fourteen rules in that column were taken from a book Mr, Sykes wrote, 50 Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School: Real-World Antidotes to Feel-Good Education.
“Charles J. Sykes is senior fellow at the Wisconsin Policy Research Institute and a talk show host at WTMJ radio in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.” “The Institute is guided by a belief that competitive free markets, limited government, private initiative, and personal responsibility are essential to our democratic way of life.” Mr. Sykes is probably not a liberal.
The eleven rules have been floating from one email address to another since the Clinton administration. Ann Landers has printed them several times. They have been the rest of the story for Paul Harvey. “The prize for misattribution, however, has to go to the Atlanta Journal and Constitution, which published the list twice in the space of three weeks in mid-2000, the first time crediting it to “Duluth state Rep. Brooks Coleman of Duluth,” and the second time to Bill Gates.” The footnotes say “Brack, Elliott. “Legislator Offers Teens No-Nonsense Advice.” The Atlanta Journal and Constitution. 14 June 2000 (p. J3).” and ” “Advice from the Experts.” The Atlanta Journal and Constitution. 2 July 2000 (p. R1).”
The book has fifty rules. The column has fourteen. These are the three rules left out of the emails.
Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself” with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven’t seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You’re welcome.
Maybe someone should take a critical look at these rules. If you get tired, and think this is negative, then you are free to skip ahead and look at the pictures, from The Library of Congress. The LOC is part of the big government in Washington. It is an very valuable resource.
Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses the phrase “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No. 1.
No argument here. This is a catch 22 whenever you find a contradiction in the rest of the rules.
Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it’s not fair. (See Rule No. 1)
If you start to feel good about yourself, don’t worry. Between the church, radio talk shows, and back stabbing co workers, someone is sure to bring you down.
Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
Conservative rules for living do not age well. Today, everybody eating solid food has a cell phone.
Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask you how you feel about it.
This is the rule that set off the BS detector. In the “real world”, it is not what you produce that counts. It is how well you kiss ass. If the boss is impressed by you, you can screw up from now until bankruptcy. Ditto if you are a minority, and the company is recovering from a  lawsuit. LINF
Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
Your grandparents had a different word for your dark skinned co worker. Not all political correctness is bad.
Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life,” and “You’re not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your dime. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
Fifty years ago, the parents of baby boomers said things like this. The younger generation is always going to hell, and somehow they manage to get it together. The baby boomers are the generation who was ordered to go to Vietnam and kill Asians. They said “hell no we won’t go”.
Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
Your parents got to be boring by listening to motivational speeches.
Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feelings be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)
Teachers have a tough job. They are an easy target for criticism. Some of this whining is fair, even if life isn’t. Mr. Sykes has written several books lambasting the education system. There is a saying, those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Maybe this could be amended to say: those who can’t teach, whine about education.
Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)
If you are the buddy of management, you sometimes take the afternoon off to play golf with a client. You go to conventions, while someone else works to produce. LINF
Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.
Life is not a motivational speech. Those after dinner platitudes are entertaining, and make you feel good about yourself. They have little to do with real life.
Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
One more time, LINF. Regarding Rule No. 14:, this sounds like privilege speaking. If  parents are human, they are possibly doing some very dirty things to their kids. This includes abusive religion, alcoholism, drug abuse, and conservative politics. The other kids can be pretty rough. Your preacher says you are going to hell. Since the real world does not care about your self esteem, you may be tempted to end your life. A smarmy list of rules is probably not going to help.
When writing a blog post, go ahead and publish before you read the one star reviews. There is a reply, from a teacher, about the list of eleven. The title is A teacher’s response to a mean man. This post is more thoughtful than the collection of one liners above. The post you are reading is already too long. Follow the link to read something better.
There is one review that needs to be shared. (This is from the amazon page for the book, 50 Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School: Real-World Antidotes to Feel-Good Education.)
And I thought liberals were condescending?!, Watujel (San Antonio, Texas) October 12, 2007
The reason you don’t get this stuff in school is because any savvy teacher knows that trying to motivate 30 restless kids with Sykes’ hoary platitudes and nagging tone will inevitably have the opposite effect. Everything’s here in  cliched condescension except for maybe “back in MY DAY”
Rule number one of imparting advice to anyone of any age – gain their trust first. If you blunder in, wagging your finger as Sykes does, you’ll just get a backlash. It’s actually worse than keeping your trap shut.
Sykes should try his material on a classroom of average eighth-graders and see if he can get them to do anything close to what he intends.
Sykes expresses resentment toward teachers for getting tenure and suggests that this is not part of the “real world.” I envy teachers’ schedules (but not their jobs) as well, but just because you resent these perks doesn’t mean you can simply write them out of the “real world” unless you’re in serious denial. Without tenure, how many people would choose to become teachers what with so many other options available? That’s the real world.
It’s ironic that he claims to want to instill respect for authority but encourages his young readers to devalue what they’re learning from those who are acting in loco parentis. Teachers don’t create the curriculum. Changes in curricula are driven by administrators and education colleges. Blaming teachers for teaching too much self-esteem doesn’t make any more sense than blaming cops for giving illegal immigrants a pass. In both cases, the priorities are set elsewhere.
In one rule, he complains that kids are too materialistic. Then in another one, he complains about their idealism. Frankly, the Millennial Generation works hard, serves its country, and in general is the most bright-eyed and bushy-tailed I’ve seen in quite a while. They’ve really done their best to pick up the pieces in the aftermath of a generation of broken homes left by Sykes’ fellow Baby Boomers. But not many of them are going to respond to something this unfocused and mediocre.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. Unknown
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. Joseph Romm, Washington
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Roy Ashley, Washington
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. ~ The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.  Russell Beland, Springfield
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. Unknown
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. Jack Bross, Chevy Chase
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like”Second Tall Man.” Russell Beland, Springfield
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. Jennifer Hart, Arlington
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth. Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
Russell Beland, Springfield
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Chuck Smith, Woodbridge
These examples of bad writing are from a blog that is no longer published. (“This blog has been archived or suspended for a violation of our Terms of Service.”)
The pictures are from The Library of Congress. This is a repost.

What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Pick a cod, any cod!
What’s stucco? What happens when you step in bubblegummo.
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
Because it was a weapon of math disruption.
What’s the Internet’s favorite animal? The lynx.
What is the Karate experts favorite beverage? Kara-tea.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, idiot! BREATHE!
Where do Floridians wash their clothes? In Fort Launderdale.
What’s a frog’s favorite drink? Croaka Cola.
What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.
What does a wicked chicken lay? Deviled eggs.
Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
What did the rude prism say to the light beam that smacked into him? Get bent!
Did you hear about the fire at the circus? It was in tents.
Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up, She shot the little bastard…
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle, All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun. Then died of electric shock.
Mary had a little lamb, Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread…
Jack and Jill went up the hill To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill And now they have a son…
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man, ‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon, ‘Pies, you dumb ass’…
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses, And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again…
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play, He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good. But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
The jokes on this site are believed to be in the public domain. All other textual and graphical material at this site is Copyright © 1999-2008 by Samuel Stoddard. Neither I nor RinkWorks are liable if you keel over and die from reading these jokes. The updated nursery rhymes are from a chain email. The source is not known, and is probably hiding in shame. The pictures are from The Library of Congress. The video is from WTF Japan Seriously.