Chamblee54

This is the last installment in this series. The focus is Pretty Monsters, by Kelly Link. The first four episodes are out. (Part one part two part three part four) The Big Read artistic response will get there, somehow. So far, this review has produced little creativity at this blog. The only thing to do is slog through part five, and see if any sparks fly. If nothing else, the reader can look at the pictures. These fine images are from The Library of Congress.
Pretty Monsters is the title story, as well as the longest. It is two stories, told in alternating sections. In one, Clementine Cleary is a dippy little girl, who is saved from drowning by Cabell Meadows. Mr. Meadows later has reasons to regret extending her life. In the other story, a gang of teenage girls kidnap a classmate, and proceed to treat her to an “ordeal.” There are also werewolves. This story is spoiler free, because it doesn’t have a conclusion. Maybe the artistic response could be a poem, detailing the ending to Pretty Monsters.
Meanwhile, COVID-19 marches on. Today’s story from the far side involves Baltimore mayor Jack Young. “We’re dealing with the COVID virus and those of you who want to continue to shoot and kill people in this city we’re not going to tolerate it. We’re going to come after you and we’re going to get you … We can not clog up our hospitals and their beds with people who are being shot senselessly because we’re going to need those for people who might be infected with the coronavirus. It could be your mother, your grandmother, one of your relatives so … put down the guns.”
What is an ordeal? “It’s just this tradition,” Lee says. “Girls’ schools have all kinds of weird traditions. Normally you have your Ordeal when you’re a freshman—you know, a rite of passage or something. But we think Czigany is great, and so a couple of weeks ago we asked her if she wanted one because otherwise. … “This isn’t a road trip,” says Bad, who has known Maureen just as long as Lee has. Bad never tries to be reasonable when she can be perverse. “It’s a kidnapping. And it’s already all messed up. Just like in the movies. It will end up with Lee shooting all of us and then having to dispose of the bodies in a wood chipper.”
During the ordeal, the girls took the ordealee to the farm of someone’s aunt. “Dodo is Lee’s mother’s older sister. She’s a former anarchist who served nine years in a high-security women’s prison. Now she makes cheese instead of bombs. When she set up her herd at Peaceable Kingdom, she invested in six Toggenburgs. Over time she’s swapped, bartered, adopted, and bought increasingly more esoteric breeds. The current herd numbers somewhere around thirty goats, including Booted Goats, Nubian Blacks, Pygmy Goats, and four Tennessee Fainting Goats. Dodo spent her years in prison doing coursework in animal husbandry. Goats, she likes to say, are the ultimate anarchists.”
Dodo gives the reader important information. “Just keep an eye on your friends. Caught Bad trying to sneak up on my Tennessee girls and make them faint. What kind of name is that anyway?” “Her real name is Patricia. And I used to do that, too,” Lee reminds her. “When you were eight. Glad you’re not eight anymore. You were a real punk.” Dodo says this without a drop of fondness. “So what am I now?” Lee says, teasing. Dodo sighs. Gives Lee a hard look. “A monster. You and your friends, all of you. Pretty monsters. It’s a stage all girls go through. If you’re lucky you get through it without doing any permanent damage to yourself or anyone else.”
Meanwhile, back at the beach, Clementine has decided that Cabell is the man for her. Clementine’s girlfriends are not so sure. “Cabell Meadows doesn’t wear deodorant,” Madeline said. … Grace took over, as if she and Madeline were training for the Olympics in the freestyle unsolicited advice relay. … But you’ve grown up, Clementine, and he hasn’t, okay? At a certain age, for guys, it comes down to robots or girls. … The point is that this guy has already made the choice, Clementine. If you were all hairy and ran around in the forest maybe you’d have a chance, but you’re not and you don’t. … If Cabell Meadows is the big secret crush you’ve been hiding all of these years, God help you. Because I sure can’t.” Madeline said, “I agree with everything she just said.”
Clementine’s no-good uncle gets Cabell’s not-much-better sister pregnant. “The wedding was a disaster from the beginning. … An hour before the ceremony was supposed to begin, Mrs. Meadows had sent her off to dig through the trunk of the maid of honor’s car for tit tape. … Beach weddings rapidly became less romantic once the sand fleas found you.”
“She found a can of Coke and poured half of it out. Poured vodka in. It was almost as not-bad as everyone had said. … Things went downhill after that. … When she found Cabell, he was dancing with slutty Lizzy York, the maid of honor. It didn’t matter. Not even the hideous, antiquated music mattered. “Hey, Cabell,” Clementine yelled. “Hey, Clementine,” Cabell yelled back. He executed a dance move. “Your mom was looking for you. What’s up?” “Sorry, Lizzy,” Clementine said. “I need to show Cabell something. We’ll be right back. Promise.” …
“It’s romantic here, isn’t it?” Clementine said. “If you wanted to kiss me, I’d understand.” … “Don’t think I don’t appreciate the offer, Clementine,” Cabell said, “but hell, no.” “Oh shit,” Clementine said. “You’re gay?” “No!” Cabell said. “And stop taking off your clothes, okay? I’m not gay, I’m just not interested. Not to be an asshole, but you’re not my type.” “I’m not taking off my clothes,” Clementine said. “Just my shoes. And my pantyhose. And what do you care? Dancy said you sleep in the nude. Do you still sleep in the nude? There’s sand in my pantyhose. And what do you mean I’m not your type? What type am I?” “Underage,” Cabell said. “Unlike your uncle, I don’t go for babies.”
Everyone gets on with life, until the werewolves get involved. Cabell gets kicked out of grad school for “liberating” lab test animals. While out on bail, Cabell moves to Romania, and gets married. Clementine has a wealthy bf, who takes her to Romania. Thinds are a bit uncertain on Aunt Dodo’s farm as well. The story wears out at this point.
The book has a bonus story, The Cinderella Story. It is not on the .pdf, so there are no snappy quotes. The Cinderella Story is the tale of step-siblings who are mean to each other. This is the end of the Pretty Monsters regurgitation at this blog. You may now return to your regularly scheduled COVID-19 speculation and misinformation.