Chamblee54

Engineers from IBM, Apple, and Microsoft were attending a tech conference. They met at the queue to the toilet by chance in-between talks. The Engineer from IBM took a leak, washed his hands, and dried his hands with about 20 sheets of paper towels. He said to the other two “At IBM, we are very thorough”, then left to conference hall. The engineer from Apple pissed, washed his hands, then dried it with one sheet of paper towel, making sure he used every millimeter of the towel. “At Apple, we are efficient”, he quipped to the Microsoft engineer before returning to the conference hall. The Microsoft engineer did the number one, then directly went to the hall, muttering to himself “at Microsoft, we don’t piss on our goddamn hands”. ~ A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!” ~ Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Paris airport. “Nationality?” asks the immigration officer. “German,” she replies. “Occupation?” “No, just here for a few days.” ~ You’re the worst topology professor! You couldn’t tell your ass from a hole in the ground! True, but I can tell the difference between my ass and two holes in the ground ~ A Higgs Boson walks into a church and the priest says “we don’t allow Higgs Bosons in here”. The Higgs Boson then replies “but without me, how could you have mass?~ Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve noble gases here.” He doesn’t react. ~ We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here”, says the barman. A tachyon enters a bar. ~ Standard deviation is not enough for a perverted statistician. ~ Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.” ~ A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ’em!” ~ The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread. ~ An Irishman goes to a building site for his first day of work, and a couple of Englishmen think, “Ah, we’ll have some fun with him!” So they walk up and say, “Hey, Paddy, as you’re new here make sure you know a joist from a girder…” “Ah, sure, I knows” says Paddy, “twas Joyce wrote Ulysses and Goethe wrote Faust.” ~ Your mother is so classless, she could be a marxist utopia ~ Lenins tomb is a communist plot. ~ A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle. ~ It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. ~ is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me? ~ Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality… ~ A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please”. ~ A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke. ~ There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet. ~ How may Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two; One to screw in the lightbulb and one to hold the penis… I mean ladder. ~ A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” and the linguist replied “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions”. ~ Linguistics: the most misunderstood field of study in all of everything. ~ What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care. ~ Three logicians are sitting in a restaurant. The waitress asks “is everyone having coffee?” The first logician says, “I don’t know.” The second logician says, “I don’t know.” The third logician says, “Yes.” ~ Pictures from “The Special Collections and Archives, Georgia State University Library”. ~ Selah ~