Chamblee54

This is part one of a homage to Catch 22. Parts two, three, four, five, six, and seven are also available.
I The Texan How can you not like a story that begins “It was love at first sight”. Somehow, this had always happened to PG with Catch 22. He was beginning his third attempt at reading it, and thought that maybe writing about it would improve the chances of finishing the damn thing.
PG does not remember when he bought the book. It is a nice hardback edition, with grocery bag paper scotch taped around the cover. Whether or not the original dust cover was there is irrelevant at this time, although it would decrease the value to a collector. The copyright page says 1961, and there is no indication of a subsequent printing.
After the first attempt at reading, PG used the book as a tool. He operated a blueprint machine, with an electric sensor. The sensor would cut the machine off if a piece of paper did not go over it every minute. This was annoying, as PG sometimes used the developer on the machine, without feeding paper into the front. The book would tell the sensor that paper was over it, and the machine would not cut off. It worked very well.
PG had the good fortune to bring the book with him when he left the job. Several things got left behind. There was an architects rendering of a Christian Science church n 15th street downtown, that was a source of great pride and pleasure. The day when PG stormed out of shaky reprographics the print got left behind.
So begins the chapter by chapter breakdown of the great american novel. It may go unfinished. The last time PG tried this was Eat, Pray, Love, which nobody considers the Great American Novel. By the middle of the book, the lady writer was in the bathroom writing notes to G-d. PG wondered why he was fooling with a book like that, but felt the need to finish what he started. No such constrictions will apply to this series. It is about war, and modern americans wars are not supposed to be finished.
The first chapter starts with Yossarian in the hospital. Whether he is sick, or goofing off, is a matter of conjecture. After a while, you realize there is very little difference between the two. He decides the spend the rest of the war in the hospital, until a Texan moves into the ward. He does not like the Texan, does not have a good reason for not liking him, but does not need one. Yossarian is soon out of the hospital.
At this point it is essential to know how to spell Yossarian. He is the most important character, and some say the hero. Spell check can be used, but that is cheating. It is easy to break down. Yo is obvious. SS is a popular set of initials, especially for someone being shot at by Nazis. ARIAN can be tricky. If you take the Nazi theme a bit further, you can say that it is Aryan, with an I in the middle. This would be the American version anyway, to have the I in the middle of the master race, but to deny that you are a racist. Or crazyist, (spell check suggestion:Craigslist) which would be a genuine handicap while reading this book.
II Clevinger PG is beginning to think that Catch 22 is a bunch of crazy people having ironic interior conversations, and not doing much of anything. Now, in a war, this is not a bad thing. If nothing is happening, that means you have not been killed. This is a downside of war. Maybe a plot will hatch if we stick with it long enough. The style of writing is fun, even if there is no plot to sustain it. We will see. The original plan was to read fifty pages, and if it was not a barrel of laughs to consider putting it down. This is not a library book, so there is no deadline.
Not much happened in chapter two. Yossarian and Clevinger called each other crazy, and they were both correct. Towards the end of this chapter, someone says something about the Colonel wanting fifty missions from his flyers. This book might have a plot after all.
When writing this chapter, it would appear helpful to mention what Clevinger does. The first two chapters do not say what the man does, but they do mention that he used to live in a tent near Yossarian. While trying to track down the function of Clevenger, PG decided to underline the names of the characters, with a red pencil, the first time they appear in the story. After that, if PG wants to underline them, then he can. This should make it a bit easier to determine what the swarm of characters in this story do. These red pencil marks will further undermine the resale value of this book, what resale value it has left with a grocery store bag dust cover.
In 1992, PG had a downstairs neighbor named Ron Clevinger. He was a nice guy. His boyfriend, named Keith Maffey, was a jerk. They had violent quarrels, which was disturbing to someone living upstairs. If the house caught fire, then PG’s apartment upstairs would be affected. One night, they were wrestling in the living room, and the tv fell to the ground with a spectacular crash.
The guys downstairs were trying to start a remodeling business. They did not know what they were doing. The landlord let them put a new roof on the house, and it leaked. The roof was finally replaced a couple of years later. After a few months, they didn’t pay their rent, and were evicted. PG did not miss them. In the winter of 1993, there was a snow jam, which is a once every ten years big deal in Atlanta. A few days after the snow melted, PG read a funeral notice for Keith Maffey. Someone shot him dead during the storm. PG never did hear the details.
III Havermeyer This peace story about a war story is being written, at first, on a laptop. PG has long been a desktop only kind of guy, but the advantages of having a second machine were piling up. Finally, the computer store in Doraville had a sale, where they offered laptops that had been leased out. When PG got his it was $20 off, which paid part of the sales tax.
This is a fun device to use, but it takes a bit of getting used to. The touchpad is very different from a mouse, and this model does not have a number pad to the right of the letters. PG is trying to train himself to use the numbers at the top of the keyboard, and one day he will learn how. The most troubling thing about this machine is the tendency of the cursor to drift to another spot on the screen without warning. You will be typing merrily away, put the machine down, and when you get back the letters are going in a place halfway up the document. It is very annoying.
Chapter three is part crazy person noodling, and part plot action. Yossarian and Orr, his roommate, get into a discussion about why Orr likes to stuff crab apples in his cheeks. The reason is that they are better than chestnuts. They go round and round, talk about a whore that beat up Orr, but never get to the bottom of his love for big cheeks.
A couple of characters with funny names are introduced. General P.P. Peckum is a pretentious prick, which is a bit redundant. At least the pretentious part, unless it is a female, in which case a different body part is used. All prick implies is the masculine gender of the individual. Captain Aardvark is Yossarian’s navigator, and is usually the first name called at roll.
The plot part involves Yossarians desire to get out of the war alive. He takes evasive action when he flies, and is not overly concerned if the target is hit. Havermeyer, by contrast, never takes evasive action, and hangs around the crime scene to make sure the target is hit.
“Havermeyer was a lead bombardier who never missed. Yossarian was a lead bombardier who had been demoted because he no longer gave a damn whether he missed or not. He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt, and his only mission each time he went up was to come down alive.”
Yossarian is thought of as a good guy. However, when he went on missions, he dumped bombs wherever it felt right, without concern about hitting the target. It is probable that some of these bombs landed on Italian civilians. Our hero murdered people whose only crime was having a dictator who was buddies with Hitler. The fact that all armies do the same thing does not make the barbequed Italians any less dead.
IV Doc Daneeka Doc Daneeka is a character with a lot to say. He was setting up a profitable practice in New York, involving crooked pharmacists and abortions. The war got in the way. Doc has little sympathy for any airman with problems, because his are worse.
Chapter four is a bunch of people hanging out talking nonsense. Except that it is all men, but it is still nonsense. Somebody asks if any poet ever made money, and someone says that T.S. Eliot did. Soon, General Dreedle, and his idiot son in law Colonel Moodus, thought that T.S. Eliot was one of their men.
There are some online resources that are going to make this project a lot easier. One is SparkNotes It is like CliffNotes, only digital. It tells us that Colonel Peckum thinks that T.S. Eliot is a coded message, and worries because he does not know the meaning.
Another handy device is wikiqotes. It has quotes from the text, and is easier than copying passages on file cards. “This literary-work article needs cleanup. Please review Wikiquote:Templates, especially the standard format of literary-work articles, to determine how to edit this article to conform to a higher standard of article quality. This page has been listed as needing cleanup since 2008-09-11.”
V Chief White Halfoat The namesake of this chapter is Doc Daneeka’s roommate. CWH was from a tribe in Oklahoma. His family had a way of settling where oil was going to be found, so they were followed from site to site by oil company men. The term native american had not been invented when this was written, so CWH is called Indian. He likes to drink, which is another unfortunate stereotype. Catch 22 probably would not be helped by being politically correct.
CWH staggers into the tent while Yossarian is having a chat with Doc Daneeka. In this chapter, Doc is happy that the war came when it did, because his practice was broke. After CWH retires to his bottle, Yossarian gets down to business with the Doc. He wants to be grounded from flight duty. The reason for this is a desire to not be killed, and the excuse is that he was crazy.
There is a difference between an excuse and a reason. In Iraq, the reasons for wanting to invade were multiple: oil access, making Israel happy, revenge for the survival of Saddam after the first oil war, and a desire to make money for the military industrial complex. None of these were thought to be very convincing, so a decision was made to say that Iraq had WMD, and was about to give them to terrorists. A committee made a decision to use this as the rationale for the war. It was the excuse. An excuse does not have to be true, it just has to convince the people who need to be convinced.
Getting back to Yossarian, he had sane reasons for claiming he was crazy. The army was wise to him. WW2 was a serious struggle for survival, and excuses like insanity or homosexuality were not accepted. On page 41, the title of the book is mentioned for the first time.
“There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one’s own safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn’t, but if he was sane, he had to fly them. If he flew them, he was crazy and didn’t have to; but if he didn’t want to, he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
“That’s some catch, that Catch-22,” he observed.
“It’s the best there is,” Doc Daneeka agreed.
VI Hungry Joe Hungry Joe is an airman. He has screaming nightmares, which disturb his neighbors. He has flown more than enough missions, but the order to send him home never comes. The number of missions needed to complete a tour of duty keeps going up. It is now set at fifty five.
Fifty five became a notorious number during the seventies. There was a gas shortage, followed by a very convenient war, and the price of gasoline went up. One of the ideas for reducing the use of gasoline was to lower the speed limit on the interstates. This had been set at seventy, which people regarded as their right as free americans. The speed limit was lowered to fifty five, and people were not happy.
The interstate system was not finished yet. There were gaps, where you had to get off the freeway and go for a while on surface roads. One notorious bypass was in Cobb County, where I75 stopped just a bit past the Big Chicken. You had to get off, and travel north on highway 41 for a while, until you could get back on the interstate. This was when roads in Cobb county were fun to drive. There was a one lane bridge over the river on Akers Mill Road. You had to wait until it was clear to go across. On the other side was the Riverbend apartments, widely regarded as the king of swinging singles apartment complexes. Those were the days. And people wonder why the Big Chicken rolls his eyes.
Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”

PG went out on his bike, and saw something disturbing. A small American flag was laying in the dirt. PG leaned his bike against a mailbox, which might be illegal, and looked at the situation. The pole was broken in half, and the flag was filthy. Before you could say Supreme Court Decision, the flag was in the luggage box on the bike.
Burning a worn out flag is the proper way to dispose of it. “When a flag is so worn it is no longer fit to serve as a symbol of our country, it should be destroyed by burning in a dignified manner.” A splash of rubbing alcohol, and a kitchen match were applied. The flag was made of a flame resistant material. Maybe that was part of the Supreme Court ruling, or perhaps another helpful regulation. PG turned the remains over and lit it again. Finally, the embers were doused in water, and the ashes buried next to the driveway.
Going inside, there was a post to be considered, The Seven Deadly Spelling Sins. The first sentence should send any sane person running… “Because I am a writing teacher and a former editor, I am constantly exposed to the most egregious mistakes in writing, grammar, and spelling.” PG is not a sane person. Here is the post, with supplemental comments for your reading pleasure.
1. There, Their, and They’re These are three different words, and they are not interchangeable. “There” refers to a place and is the opposite of “here.” “Their” refers to ownership of something. “They’re” is a contraction that means “they are,” as in: They are having a spelling party.
This is what is known as a homophone. You might have thought that was a communications device in midtown. If you think about it a bit, you realize that one is possessive, one is a place, and one is a clumsy third person plural verb. They’re going to take their ice cream and go there with it.
2. To and Too “To” is the beginning of any infinitive form of a verb: to run, to be, to smile, to write, to blog. Taking foreign language classes is the best way to drive this one home. It is also a preposition. “Too” means “also” or “in addition to.” It can also mean “in excess,” as in: There are too many shoes in my closet. (Well, that’s simply not possible, but you get the idea.)
This forgets two, which is a number, but the spelling is so different that usually the distinction is made. Just like spelling, as in bee, is different from Aaron Spelling. He was the father of Tori Spelling, and a Hollywood producer. Aaron Spelling made lots of money, built the biggest house in California, and was married to Morticia Addams.
3. You’re and Your “You’re” is a contraction form of “you are.” “Your” again refers to ownership.
Words like this are a problem with spell check. If the word is spelled conventionally, it will not set off the device. This also happens when you mean to say to, but type do instead. This is a normal word, and spell check will not know the difference. The possibility exists of a grammar program that will catch mistakes like this.
4. Judgment This word never ever (in the United States) has an “e” in the middle.
Words like this are pronounced in different ways by white people and black people. White people say “munt”, and accent the first syllable. Black people say “mint”, and accent the second syllable. The mint sounds like a brand of gum, like spearmint or double mint. Did you know that the doublemint twins have had substance abuse issues? They are currently in a twenty four step program.
5. Definitely I don’t know why, but some 90 percent of my students have difficulty spelling this word. There is it, in black and white. Memorize it. I have seen it misspelled as: Defiantly, Definately, Definetley, Definitly And so on. I’m sure there are numerous variations to a bad spelling.
PG is part of the ninety percent here. This is a toughie. Maybe if you break it down into parts, it will make sense. De Finite Ly. De is pronounced duh, which is smart. Finite means only so many, all there is and there ain’t no more. Ly is one of those suffixes that gets tacked onto everything.
6. Its and It’s Again, we have a contraction. The contraction means that two words have been combined, so “it’s” means “it is.” Now, the tricky part is the fact that possession usually uses an apostrophe. However, because this apostrophe is already taken for “it is,” “its” refers to possession in this case.
This is one of those things that make you think English was invented by a race of drunks who call soccer football. To any reasonable person, a word meaning possession should have an apostrophe and s. Here, it’s means it is. Sometimes, the best thing to do is play along and don’t wonder why things are so screwed up.
7. Lightning This one is my personal pet peeve. This refers to that giant flash of light in the sky that usually occurs during a rainstorm and is always followed by thunder. However, I see many people spell it as “lightening,” which can refer to making something lighter, in color or weight. However, it also means the dropping of the baby before a woman gives birth, and that’s what I always think of. So, when people write on Facebook, “The lightening was fantastic last night,” I can’t help but wonder if they are relieved to have finally given birth.
PG was going to end with a comment about religion, but was afraid of being hit by lightning.

These author insults were borrowed from flavorwire. HT to Andrew Sullivan The pictures are from The Library of Congress This is a repost. 25. Gertrude Stein on Ezra Pound “A village explainer. Excellent if you were a village, but if you were not, not.” 24. Virginia Woolf on Aldous Huxley “All raw, uncooked, protesting.” 23. H. G. Wells on George Bernard Shaw “An idiot child screaming in a hospital.” 22. Joseph Conrad on D.H. Lawrence “Filth. Nothing but obscenities.” 21. Lord Byron on John Keats (1820) “Here are Johnny Keats’ piss-a-bed poetry, and three novels by God knows whom… No more Keats, I entreat: flay him alive; if some of you don’t I must skin him myself: there is no bearing the drivelling idiotism of the Mankin.” 20. Vladimir Nabokov on Joseph Conrad “I cannot abide Conrad’s souvenir shop style and bottled ships and shell necklaces of romanticist cliches.” 19. Dylan Thomas on Rudyard Kipling “Mr Kipling … stands for everything in this cankered world which I would wish were otherwise.” 18. Ralph Waldo Emerson on Jane Austen “Miss Austen’s novels . . . seem to me vulgar in tone, sterile in artistic invention, imprisoned in the wretched conventions of English society, without genius, wit, or knowledge of the world. Never was life so pinched and narrow. The one problem in the mind of the writer . . . is marriageableness.” 17. Martin Amis on Miguel Cervantes “Reading Don Quixote can be compared to an indefinite visit from your most impossible senior relative, with all his pranks, dirty habits, unstoppable reminiscences, and terrible cronies. When the experience is over, and the old boy checks out at last (on page 846 — the prose wedged tight, with no breaks for dialogue), you will shed tears all right; not tears of relief or regret but tears of pride. You made it, despite all that ‘Don Quixote’ could do.” 16. Charles Baudelaire on Voltaire (1864) “I grow bored in France — and the main reason is that everybody here resembles Voltaire…the king of nincompoops, the prince of the superficial, the anti-artist, the spokesman of janitresses, the Father Gigone of the editors of Siecle.” 15. William Faulkner on Ernest Hemingway “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” 14. Ernest Hemingway on William Faulkner “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” 13. Gore Vidal on Truman Capote “He’s a full-fledged housewife from Kansas with all the prejudices.” 12. Oscar Wilde on Alexander Pope “There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope.” 11. Vladimir Nabokov on Ernest Hemingway (1972) “As to Hemingway, I read him for the first time in the early ‘forties, something about bells, balls and bulls, and loathed it.” 10. Henry James on Edgar Allan Poe (1876) “An enthusiasm for Poe is the mark of a decidedly primitive stage of reflection.” 09. Truman Capote on Jack Kerouac “That’s not writing, that’s typing.” 08. Elizabeth Bishop on J.D. Salinger “I HATED [Catcher in the Rye]. It took me days to go through it, gingerly, a page at a time, and blushing with embarrassment for him every ridiculous sentence of the way. How can they let him do it?” 07. D.H. Lawrence on Herman Melville (1923) “Nobody can be more clownish, more clumsy and sententiously in bad taste, than Herman Melville, even in a great book like ‘Moby Dick’….One wearies of the grand serieux. There’s something false about it. And that’s Melville. Oh dear, when the solemn ass brays! brays! brays!” 06. W. H. Auden on Robert Browning “I don’t think Robert Browning was very good in bed. His wife probably didn’t care for him very much. He snored and had fantasies about twelve-year-old girls.” 05. Evelyn Waugh on Marcel Proust (1948) “I am reading Proust for the first time. Very poor stuff. I think he was mentally defective.” 04. Mark Twain on Jane Austen (1898) “I haven’t any right to criticize books, and I don’t do it except when I hate them. I often want to criticize Jane Austen, but her books madden me so that I can’t conceal my frenzy from the reader; and therefore I have to stop every time I begin. Every time I read ‘Pride and Prejudice,’ I want to dig her up and hit her over the skull with her own shin-bone.” 03. Virginia Woolf on James Joyce “[Ulysses is] the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.” 02. William Faulkner on Mark Twain (1922) “A hack writer who would not have been considered fourth rate in Europe, who tricked out a few of the old proven sure fire literary skeletons with sufficient local color to intrigue the superficial and the lazy.” 01. D.H. Lawrence on James Joyce (1928) “My God, what a clumsy olla putrida James Joyce is! Nothing but old fags and cabbage stumps of quotations from the Bible and the rest stewed in the juice of deliberate, journalistic dirty-mindedness.” Bonus. Mary McCarthy on Lillian Hellman “Every word she writes is a lie, including and and the.” Bonus two, a comment to the original post.: RomanHans Re “The Cardinal’s Mistress” by Benito Mussolini, Dorothy Parker wrote one of my favorite bon mots: “This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4AKDw2hwi5I%5D

PG recently used a few hours of his life to read The Lady in the Lake . It is a story by Raymond Chandler. As you might expect, the central figure is Philip Marlowe. It is set in Southern California at the start of World War II.
Mr. Marlowe is hired by a wealthy man to find his no good wife. When Mr. Marlowe starts nosing around, bodies start to show up. Mr. Marlowe almost becomes one of the deceased. After a few plot twists, a meeting is held in a mountain cabin, and a finger is pointed at a suspect. This person storms out of the meeting, and dies.
This may not be the best plot ever. There are a few too many coincidences. One character is Mildred Haviland. First, she is the wife of a drunken caretaker who drowns. Then we learn she was the nurse/gf of a doctor who specializes in narcotics. This doctor lives across the street from a boyfriend of the rich man’s wife. A crooked policeman gets involved in the story. It turns out he was married to Mildred Haviland. After a while, you wonder just how small Los Angeles was in 1942.
You don’t read Mr. Chandler for the logical plots. You read him for the way he massages the language. Take this description of Chris Lavery, the ill fated lover of the runaway bride: “The man was a hefty dark handsome lad with fine shoulders and legs, sleek dark hair and white teeth. Six feet of a standard type of homewrecker. Arms to hold you close and all his brains in his face. He was holding a pair of dark glasses in his hand and smiling at the camera with a practised and easy smile.”
The story was made into a movie in 1947. Robert Montgomery played Mr. Marlowe. The text is available online. Pictures today are from the The Library of Congress.

Jimmy Breslin wrote a book, Damon Runyon. As you might guess, it is about the journalist and story teller. Mr. Breslin appeared on the CBS radio network to promote the book. The interview he gave is available on Wired for Books.
Even if Mr. Breslin did not write the book, he should have given this interview. He sounds like a New Yorker, with the rough edges intact. As it turns out, Mr. Runyon was from Manhattan KS, and only moved to New York after a wild career out west. He covered Pancho Villa, and had a cigarette lighter given to him by the raider. William Randolph Hearst, the employer of Damon Runyon, was fond of Pancho Villa, until 600 head of cattle was stolen from a Hearst owned ranch. At that point, Pancho Villa became a terrorist.
W.R. Hearst is a player in another story. It seems like “Citizen Kane” supported Germany at the start of World War One. After the armistice was signed, Mr. Hearst wanted to welcome a ship of soldiers to New York. The fighting men did not like this idea, and threatened to make trouble.
Damon Runyon was asked to serve as a go between. He knew George Patton, from his days of fighting Pancho Villa. Mr. Runyon spoke to the General, who ordered his men to wave politely to William Randolph Hearst.
Damon Runyon flourished during the roaring twenties. Jimmy Breslin argues that Mr. Runyon invented much of the mystique of that era. Mr. Runyon wrote for the Hearst Newspapers. He thrilled America with stories about gangsters, horse players, and the “colorful characters” that populated Broadway. Mr. Runyon wrote short stories. These formed the basis for the show “Guys and Dolls”.
This was a time before movies and radio took over, and newspapers had a monopoly. At one time New York had sixteen daily papers, many of which were horrible. There is a story about a writer who was describing some shooting, and coined the phrase “innocent bystander”. He was so proud of himself that he went to a bar to celebrate. He got to talking to a young lady. She said that someone she knew was a “stuffed shirt”. The writer put his drink down, went to the newspaper office, and typed a story with the phrase “stuffed shirt” in it. Another cliche was born.
To hear Mr. Breslin tell it, the best thing that Damon Runyon did was when he died. Mr. Runyon used his Pancho Villa lighter many, many times. The smoking caught up with him, and he developed throat cancer. In 1946, cancer was never mentioned. People died after a “long illness”. When Damon Runyon perished, the cause of death was listed as cancer. He may have been the first famous person to openly die of cancer.

The post above this is Who Pushed Humpty Dumpty?. If you look at the URL, you will see a -2 after the title. This means that there has been another post at Chamblee54 with this conspiracy oriented title. A trip to google city shows that PG is not the only person to have pondered this issue.
A book, Who Pushed Humpty Dumpty?, gets prominent placement. You get what you pay for. “It looked like a horrible accident, but upon further investigation, it turned out to be an even more horrible crime. Local businessman Humpty Dumpty was indeed dead of a fall from his wall. With the assistance of Officer’s O’Ham, Bacon and McSwiney (The 3 Little Pigs) and Officer Jack (The one with a beanstalk in his yard), Storybookland Police detectives Sgt. Joe Bundy and Rookie detective Bill Gimble have their work cut out for them. The suspects include The Big Bad Wolf (Storybookland’s Crime Boss), Jack and Jill (who were suing Mr. Dumpty for their fall), Wee Willie Winkie, The Spider (of Little Miss Muffet fame), The Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe… not to mention Mrs. Dumpty, herself. Who Pushed Humpty Dumpty?”
There is another book, Who Pushed Humpty Dumpty? : “Break-in at the Three Bears family home? It could only be one dame. Wicked witch gone missing from her candied cottage? Hansel and Gretel claim it was self-defense. Did Humpty Dumpty really just fall off that wall, or was he pushed? Here are five fairy-tale stories with a twist, all told from the point of view of a streetwise police officer called Binky, who just happens to be a toad in a suit and a fedora. When Snow White doesn’t make it to the beauty pageant, Officer Binky is the first to find the apple core lying by her bed. When an awful giant mysteriously crashes to the ground, upsetting the whole town, Binky discovers exactly who is responsible. Author David Levinthal and illustrator John Nickle retell these classic stories in the style of a 1940s noir detective novel—for kids! “
Before we get much further in this murky mystery, lets take a look at the original.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses And all the King’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again!
Humpty Dumpty Sentado en un muro.
Humpty Dumpty Se ha caído muy duro.
Todos los caballeros Y jinetes del rey,
Fueron a levantarlo Y no pudieron con él.
HD is typically thought of as being a giant egg. It is not known why it was sitting on a wall. Eggs usually lay on their side, unless they are sitting in an egg holder. The gender of this giant egg is unknown. Why was a team of horses expected to reassemble a broken egg ?
A character named Humpty Dumpty appears in Through the Looking-Glass by Lewis Carroll. He has a conversation with Alice, which implies that it is a different HD. Alice is a suspect in the content distribution of HD.
The Chicago Sun-Times published an essay in 2011, The men who pushed Humpty Dumpty. It turned out to be an appreciation of the movie “All The President’s Men”. There was a phrase in that movie, “follow the money”, which might prove helpful in solving this mystery. Maybe the question should be, who paid to have HD pushed off the wall? Maybe a real estate agent was having a tough time selling the property. Who would want to buy a house, with a giant egg sitting on a wall? It might have been a prudent business decision.
The HD metaphor has been used many times. Foreign Policy published a feature, Humpty Dumpty Was Pushed (The Sun-Times essay was published September 16, 2011. The Foriegn Policy article was published September 20, 2011.) The FP article was about Palestine. Newt Gingrich was quoted recently as saying that the Palestinean people do not exist. Perhaps Mr. Gingrich should be considered a suspect in the HD case.
“In his commentary anticipating a Palestinian initiative to promote statehood at the United Nations, Aaron David Miller chooses to focus almost exclusively upon the realities of Palestinian political and demographic fragmentation. But rather than providing an explanation of how these divisions have come about, or recommending means to overcome them, Miller instead suggests that on their account Palestinians remain unworthy of freedom.
“The fact of the matter is that Humpty Abu Dumpty did not accidentally fall off a wall; he was purposefully shoved off the edge of a cliff, beaten to a pulp, and then bombed to smithereens. As for the king’s men, as Miller well knows, they made no effort to put him back together again, instead providing the gang responsible  a steady supply of crack and endless rounds of ecstatic applause.”
Four years ago, someone at Yahoo answers had too much free time. There was a post, Did humpty dumpty fall of that wall or was he pushed??? The issue of who offed HD remains a mystery. Some of the answers in this forum try to “explain” the legend of HD. Some fundamentalist Christians will tell you that things are to be taken literally, and that scholarly interpretation is the work of the devil. In spite of these nay sayers, some of the reader supplied answers make sense.
“I’m not sure if this is true but someone once told me that humpty dumpty is about a woman losing her virginity. “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.” is a woman who is a virgin. (high up in society) “Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.” Is about a woman losing it. “All the king’s horses and all the king’s men Couldn’t put Humpty together again ” once you lose it it’s gone, your never be looked at the same again in society.”
“Actually there is real history behind what we call nursery rhymes. Yes I know I’m cutting and pasting, but here is Humpty Dumpty’s: Humpty Dumpty was a colloquial term used in fifteenth century England describing someone who was obese. This has given rise to various, but inaccurate, theories surrounding the identity of Humpty Dumpty. The image of Humpty Dumpty was made famous by the illustrations included in the ‘Alice through the looking glass’ novel by Lewis Carroll. However, Humpty Dumpty was not a person pilloried in the famous rhyme!
Humpty Dumpty was in fact believed to be a large cannon! It was used during the English Civil War ( 1642 – 1649) in the Siege of Colchester (13 Jun 1648 – 27 Aug 1648). Colchester was strongly fortified by the Royalists and was laid to siege by the Parliamentarians (Roundheads). In 1648 the town of Colchester was a walled town with a castle and several churches and was protected by the city wall. Standing immediately adjacent the city wall, was St Mary’s Church. A huge cannon, colloquially called Humpty Dumpty, was strategically placed on the wall next to St Mary’s Church. The historical events detailing the siege of Colchester are well documented – references to the cannon ( Humpty Dumpty) are as follows:
June 15th 1648 – St Mary’s Church is fortified and a large cannon is placed on the roof which was fired by ‘One-Eyed Jack Thompson’. July 14th / July 15th 1648 – The Royalist fort within the walls at St Mary’s church is blown to pieces and their main cannon battery ( Humpty Dumpty) is destroyed. August 28th 1648 – The Royalists lay down their arms, open the gates of Colchester and surrender to the Parliamentarians
A shot from a Parliamentary cannon succeeded in damaging the wall beneath Humpty Dumpty which caused the cannon to tumble to the ground. The Royalists, or Cavaliers, ‘all the King’s men’ attempted to raise Humpty Dumpty on to another part of the wall. However, because the cannon , or Humpty Dumpty, was so heavy ‘ All the King’s horses and all the King’s men couldn’t put Humpty together again!’ This had a drastic consequence for the Royalists as the strategically important town of Colchester fell to the Parliamentarians after a siege lasting eleven weeks.”
Pictures are from ” Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”.

Bead 091 Wayan Nuriyasih, the lady healer, and Miss Gilbert are chit chatting. Tutti, the daughter of Wayan, is playing with a blue floor tile. She found it at a construction site, and would like to have bathroom with tiles like that. Miss Gilbert gets an idea.
This comment is for a youtube video, ELIZABETH GILBERT Talks About Eat, Pray Love. I’m from India and I can’t believe how fucking condescending the movie was on our country. Cmon we are the largest democracy in the world with fucking brilliant scientists from IITs. Its not all yogis and elephants you know! How’d Americans feel if the world only talked about how great Disneyland is…. no. America is great because of Clint Eastwood and Abraham Lincoln and Benjamin Franklin and Ernest Hemmingway. Don’t belittle another nation its easy but ultimately crowds your own vision.
Bead 092 Miss Gilbert has an idea. She goes to an internet cafe, and sends a message to her friends. The story of Wayan Nuriyasih is told… the divorce, the healing work, and the daughter who wants to be a veterinarian. Miss Nuriysih lives in a series of rented spaces, and every few months she has to move. The email asks for donations, to help Wayan Nuriyasih buy a permanent home. Soon, $18k has been collected.
Facebook is currently full of, among other things, a type of graphic art which can charitably described as commodity wisdom. Someone thinks of a funny / inspiring / motivational phrase, and pastes it in front of a picture. The only way you can share this thought is to copy the image. PG is fond of people who express their bright ideas in paste friendly text. The paragraph below is a happy exception to the overall trend.
[Image Description: A Willy Wonka meme, which shows Gene Wilder depicting the character of Willy Wonka, from the film Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, leaning their head on a fist and smiling at someone. This meme is used to convey a sarcastic comment. The text surrounding the Willy Wonka’s face reads “So you think gay couples should be able to get married?” at the top, over Wonka’s head. Below, it reads “Oooooooooh, thaaaaaanks.” I created this meme using the program at MemeGenerator.net to convey a sarcastic response to what I perceive as an ineffective statement from President Obama on “gay marriage” in light of the latest developments in North Carolina and the passing of Amendment One, which got signed into the stated constitution, banning marriage between same-sex (in the conventional, sex-structure essential definition of “sex”) couples. This legislation was written in such a way that it affects adoptive parents, foster parents, and single parents, and the families of all of such persons. It is an affront on a nation that ensures equality for all in it’s Constitution.]
Bead 093 While the money is coming in, Miss Gilbert is spending time with Felipe. They talk about a wide variety of subjects, including the concept of Miss Gilbert taking a lover. One night, Felipe starts to give Miss Gilbert a good night kiss. She tucks her head into his chest, and allows him to hold her.
These quotes are from the twitter feed‏ @Kurt_Vonnegut. Apparently he is in a place with internet access. ~ Busy, busy, busy. ~ I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.” ~ Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. ~ There is a tragic flaw in our Constitution, and I don’t know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president. ~ How embarrassing to be human. ~ Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile!
Bead 094 Ketut Liyer, the wise old medicine man, was the reason for Miss Gilbert coming to Bali. His company gets put to the side amidst all the excitement in her life. Miss Gilbert asks him what he thinks of romance, with the reply that he is too old. It seems as though the old lady, Nyomo, that Miss Gilbert thought was his wife, was someone else. Nyomo is the wife of Ketut’s brother, who helps out with running his household.
There was an online article, How Elizabeth Gilbert Ruined Bali. Ubud has been overrun by middle aged women seeking meaning for their privileged lives. There is a popular T shirt, with the slogan “Eat, Pay, Leave.”
Two filmmakers” I met from California tried to interview Ketut Liyer, one of Gilbert’s traditional Balinese healers in the book. Instead they were handed a copy of the book and directed to read aloud certain passages while Liyer listened.”
Bead 095 Miss Gilbert tells Wayan Nuriyasih about the $18k. She does not know how to react. An Indonesian bank account is set up to receive the funds.
In the Q TV interview, Miss Gilbert says that when you are childless, you are constantly expected to defend that choice. She wonders if perhaps it should be the opposite, and that those who reproduce should always be expected to defend that choice. To PG, the analogy is when you quit drinking, and people say that you have a problem with alcohol. This is odd. To not use an addictive substance is seen as “having a problem”.
Bead 096 Felipe is taken to meet Wayan Nuriyasih, and she approves. Felipe is taken to meet Ketut Liyer, who reads his palm and approves. An affair is suggested, but Miss Gilbert is not ready to make the leap. A solitary night is spent, and a paragraph about masturbation written. When Miss Gilbert wakes up, she is happy to be alone.
A movie was made from Eat, Pray, Love. Julia Roberts played Miss Gilbert. Miss Roberts is from Smyrna, GA. This is across the Chattahoochee River from Chamblee, if you throw in a few exits on I 285. Once, a young man said to his bf, kiss me where it is dark and stinky. He took him to Smyrna.
Bead 097 After making her dinner, Felipe told Miss Gilbert that it was time to go into bed. She agreed with him.
There is a saying, a environmentalist is someone who built his cabin last year. What follows is a comment from How Elizabeth Gilbert Ruined Bali. “Man, I have been in the past and soon will again be an expat living in Asia, and I can translate the sentiment of this article in one paragraph: “All of these tourists (who are not me) are totally ruining the (my) authentic experience of living here. It sucks that everything’s getting so commercial (I prefer it when the locals are quaintly impoverished, and there are no businesses around except for the ones that I like). All of these foreigners (except me, because I’m different) need to get out of here (so me and my friends can be the only super-special foreigners around. Also, nice caftan-wearing middle aged ladies are 10,000 times better than asshole foreigners who get drunk and puke on people’s doorsteps, start fights, INCITE RIOTS (like that British guy in Thailand), support violent criminal organizations by buying drugs and supporting the local sex trade, are condescending and rude to locals and just rude to other foreigners, and then think they’re superior to nice caftan-wearing ladies because they’re young and have a dick, which makes them cool like Kerouac instead of old and lame like middle aged people with vaginas.”
Bead 098 After the breakthrough with Felipe, Miss Gilbert goes on a road trip with another man. It was planned that wasy. Her friend Yudhi misses the highways of America, and wants to do a road trip. Of course, Bali is the size of Delaware, and the roads are horrible. Still, they rent a car, buy junk food, and drive around the island talking in what they think is cool dude slang.
It is funny what an audience will laugh at. This is from the Elizabeth Gilbert TED talk “. So that’s reassuring, you know. But it would be worse, except for that I happen to remember that over 20 years ago, when I first started telling people — when I was a teenager — that I wanted to be a writer, I was met with this same kind of, sort of fear-based reaction. And people would say, “Aren’t you afraid you’re never going to have any success? Aren’t you afraid the humiliation of rejection will kill you? Aren’t you afraid that you’re going to work your whole life at this craft and nothing’s ever going to come of it and you’re going to die on a scrap heap of broken dreams with your mouth filled with bitter ash of failure?” (Laughter) Like that, you know” TED audiences think it is funny for a hardworking author to die a bitter, lonely death. That is odd.
Bead 099 When Miss Gilbert gets back from her road trip, she gets in bed with Felipe, and does not leave for a month.
This is from the Elizabeth Gilbert TED talk And for me, the best contemporary example that I have of how to do that is the musician Tom Waits, who I got to interview several years ago on a magazine assignment. And we were talking about this, and you know, Tom, for most of his life he was pretty much the embodiment of the tormented contemporary modern artist, trying to control and manage and dominate these sort of uncontrollable creative impulses that were totally internalized.
But then he got older, he got calmer, and one day he was driving down the freeway in Los Angeles he told me, and this is when it all changed for him. And he’s speeding along, and all of a sudden he hears this little fragment of melody, that comes into his head as inspiration often comes, elusive and tantalizing, and he wants it, you know, it’s gorgeous, and he longs for it, but he has no way to get it. He doesn’t have a piece of paper, he doesn’t have a pencil, he doesn’t have a tape recorder.
So he starts to feel all of that old anxiety start to rise in him like, “I’m going to lose this thing, and then I’m going to be haunted by this song forever. I’m not good enough, and I can’t do it.” And instead of panicking, he just stopped. He just stopped that whole mental process and he did something completely novel. He just looked up at the sky, and he said, “Excuse me, can you not see that I’m driving?” (Laughter) “Do I look like I can write down a song right now? If you really want to exist, come back at a more opportune moment when I can take care of you. Otherwise, go bother somebody else today. Go bother Leonard Cohen.”
Bead 100 Good times must be paid for. Miss Gilbert comes down with a nasty bladder infection. Wayan Nuriyasih has the cure. After fixing the ailment, Miss Nuriyasih tells about some of the therapies she performs. It seems like some couples have a problem making babies, and it is very dangerous to tell a Balinese man that he is impotent. The solution is to have the woman go for treatment in a special clinic. Young men are recruited from the village to assist. The woman is soon pregnant, and everyone is happy.
This was found on facebook. I think the remains of the recent emotional cataclysm are gone. Got up, gave myself an amusing haircut, did some watering and transplanting on the Flats, and went for a long (by recent standards) run in the lovely morning. Clomped along, concentrating on the green, the growing, the flowering, the scented, and when I came to a particularly generous patch of sky, looked up and said, “Wow, And it’s all MINE.” I’ll share, of course. So, yeah, back to reasonably happy. Then a bird shat on me.
Bead 101 Felipe points out that Miss Nuriyasih has not bought a house yet. This might be a problem.
Maybe it is time to actually write something, instead of just pasting in text from facebook. There are someimes things to say. Just because you are tired of a project, and will be overjoyed when it is over, does not justify laziness. What if Christopher Columbus had taken that attitude when he was three fourths of the way to the new world. The native americans wish he had.
But then, this was on facebook, and fits in with the rest of this post. People who say “America, love it or leave it” have clearly never tried to get a residence permit in another country as an American. It’s not that easy! It will take me 5 years to qualify for a resident visa in Thailand, and I’ll have to pass a language test to prove that I can speak, read, and write Thai. I can, so bring it on. But People who claim USA is the best country in the world should try living in another one for a while first! Especially one where redneck English is not the national language! That is all.
Bead 102 Wayan Nuriyasih throws a party to celebrate Miss Gilbert’s thirty fifth birthday.
This was found on facebook. [Image Description:A yellow-shaded representation of the face of Malcolm X, a civil rights revolutionary fighter, with purple text to the left side of their face, reading, “Don’t be in a hurry to condemn a man because he doesn’t know what you know, or think as you think, or as fast. There was a time when you didn’t know what you know today.”]
Bead 103 The business of buying a house, or land to build a house on, is complicated. Buying property is a mine field of legal trickery in almost any country. In Bali, it might be worse. Even if the property is for sale, and the price is right, and the seller really has a title for the land, Miss Nuriyasih has to approve the taksu or spirit, of the land. At one point, she needs to go to a temple, to ask for guidance, but cannot enter the temple because she is having her period.
This is from the Elizabeth Gilbert TED talk Transcripts are the slack blogger’s friend. But, the tricky bit comes the next morning, for the dancer himself, when he wakes up and discovers that it’s Tuesday at 11 a.m., and he’s no longer a glimpse of God. He’s just an aging mortal with really bad knees, and maybe he’s never going to ascend to that height again. And maybe nobody will ever chant God’s name again as he spins, and what is he then to do with the rest of his life? This is hard. This is one of the most painful reconciliations to make in a creative life. But maybe it doesn’t have to be quite so full of anguish if you never happened to believe, in the first place, that the most extraordinary aspects of your being came from you. But maybe if you just believed that they were on loan to you from some unimaginable source for some exquisite portion of your life to be passed along when you’re finished, with somebody else.
Bead 104 Miss Gilbert is becoming comfortable with Felipe. She also decides that she does not want to live in Bali. The ex-pat lifestyle is not for her.
Seen and duly noted on facebook ~ Message to someone on okcupid who said they are looking for a partner in crime: “How perfect – I’m looking for a partner in crime too! See, I just killed these three hookers and I need a place to hide the bodies. Any ideas?” ~ When I’m feeling down or stressed, I can interpret almost anything as “proof” that I am unlovable (or that other people are unloving). But if I remember that my thinking will change when my mood changes, I can laugh at my moods and give myself some loving acceptance. Ironically, accepting the bad mood helps me move out of it. ~ Dear FB Buddies . . . Watch your wall. Tell your friends . . . Hackers are now on FB writing insults on your friends’ walls, such insults of which are made to appear as having come from you. You don’t know nor see it but your friends do. As a result, they have deleted you from their list of friends. I want to assure you that if you get something supposedly from me that’s offensive, it certainly didn’t come from me. Copy and re-post PLEASE ~ d racecard is a palindrome ~ PG, I came up with the ideaq for 911 and the Patriot Act. I gave the idea to a C.I.A. agent and the rest is history. This happened in 1986.
Bead 105 There is a ritual performed by Ketut Liyer. A baby is six months old, and has not touched the ground. This is the custom. At six months, there is a ritual, with prayer, chanting, and relatives wearing their best clothes. At some point, the baby’s feet touch the earth.
These comments are for the video Afternoon with Ketut Liyer. Once again Im balinese, tiang nak bali .. saya orang bali. This old man is a lier, I went there to his place in Ubud and He was trying to sell painting which is you can get ib local market for 30-40 US$ and this old guy Tried to sell for 200 US$, and whatever he said its bullshit. He said that me and my girlfriend will be rich n good business.And he said that Im a faithfull person in front of my girlfriend, in fact I have cheated on my girl friend for over than 4 times.please becareful with him ~ and we should believe in you, who cheated to your girlfriend for more than 4 times? :) ~ Ketut Liyer just a character the same like us, He just try to make people happy with what he said to you, he could be lying to, but whos care as long he said something good about you. Im a balinese and my family generation is BALIAN other said Priest or Shaman or Medicine man whatever you call,also we are the Blood of Bali King Sri Nararya Kresna Kepakisan, Never in my Family Generation teach us to read Hand Gesture or Line.
Bead 106 It finally becomes apparent to Miss Gilbert that Miss Nuriyasih is playing games with her. An ultimatum is made, and the property is bought within hours.
With Eat, Pray, Love winding down, PG is wondering what he will read next. The Chamblee library does not have the best selection, and requesting a book online seems like a lot of work. A facebook friend faced a similar dilemma, and asked for summer reading suggestions.
If you want “to be at the limits of what has been thought in relation to your discipline you should read Kant’s Anthropology from a Pragmatic Perspective, and try it in the original German just 2-3 pages a day. Then read Foucault. I cannot believe you have not read your Foucault. Discipline and Punish is a benchmark of the social sciences, he walks around prisons and writes poetry about their history and social functions/capacities. The Order of Things by Foucault is a master piece. ~ Look, Colin, Foucault hurts the part of me that does thinking. I do not have the capacity yet to read Foucault without a quiet screaming slowly starting in the back of my mind. ~ That’s because you have to relearn how to read. You approach thinkers like him like you would read a poet. You don’t examine them for their propositional truth claims so much as to the relationships they are making with the questions that arise or that you have, some of which there are no answers for because they are the very limit of what can be thought with the relationships we have, and some answers are practical.
Bead 107 Miss Gilbert and Felipe go on a vacation. The location is an island, Gili Meno. Miss Gilbert had been there before. This was during the first trip to Bali, which coincided with divorce trauma. This is where she first wrote in her magic notebook, and G-d wrote back to her, using her own hand. This is the same hand that played a prominent role in bead 096.
A man named Saint Anthony went on a spiritual retreat once. He was visited by angels that looked like devils, and devils that looked like angels. He could tell one from the other by the way he felt when they left. If he was happy, it was an angel. If he was angry or sad, it was the devil. PG has few illusions about the people who wreak emotional havoc because of Jesus.
Bead 108 Felipe tells Miss Gilbert that he needs to stay in Bali, because of his business. They will work something out.
Miss Gilbert later married Felipe. This shotgun wedding was forced on them by US officials. In this video, Eat Pray Love’s Elizabeth Gilbert on Q TV Miss Gilbert discusses the evolution of marriage. Historically, marriage has been arranged, for the benefit of the families involved. The concept of a man and woman choosing to marry, because of love, is a recent innovation. It is seen as dangerous by some, and divorce rates have increased as this custom has become more prevalent.
This comment was made about the Q TV video. “The 70’s misandry, man-hatred, and sense of entitlement have only mushroomed. Deeds and comments that were “radical” and “hateful” in the 70’s are mainstream today. Elizabeth Gilbert is the norm. Millions of American women would do the exact same selfish whore things if they had a large advance on a big book deal. This has always been true of women but even more so toady.”
This is the end of Eat, Pray, Love. Thank you for reading this. Parts one, two, three, four, and five were previously published. Pictures for this post are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”. Selah

Bead 055 Miss Gilbert decides to stay at the noname ashram the entire time she is in country. The original plan had been to stay a few weeks, and then do the tourist thing. She sensed that there had been progress, and it was best to build on it. The rest of her life was available to see India.
Part three of this cycle was posted at two in the morning. The hours before the publication were full of activity. When PG got up the next morning, he felt a bit let down. It took most of the day to work through this emotional fatigue.
Bead 056 Even though she is making progress, Miss Gilbert sometimes is reminded of how far she has to go. One morning while meditating, she wonders what color her meditation room was going to be painted. The next step is to try Vipassana meditation, which is an orthodox version. These guys think that using a mantra is cheating.
After dinner one night, Miss Gilbert decides to try Vipassana. A few thousand mosquitoes joined her. The bites gave her a challenge to overcome, and the evening turned out well.
Some say no pain no gain. Sometimes this is true, You can become stronger by ignoring the aching muscles. On the other hand, sometimes pain is a signal that you should lay off. You could be damaging your body/mind/soul by continuing. To be able to tell the difference is more wisdom than many people have.
In 1990, PG had a herniated disc. The L5-S1. He didn’t know how to deal with it, and sciatica developed. An opportunity to go camping on Cumberland Island came up. PG didn’t think he would ever have another opportunity to go, and decided to be tough and deal with the pain. It was a mistake. He was able to recover from the disc problems, but the trip made it much more difficult. Sometimes, pain is a signal to lay off.
Bead 057 Miss Gilbert talks about G-d and faith.
“Rats and roaches live by competition under the laws of supply and demand; it is the privilege of human beings to live under the laws of justice and mercy.” – Wendell Berry. That is the plan. The reality is that folks live by the laws of rats and roaches, but think they live by the laws of people privilege. The fun starts when they expect privileged behavior from their neighbors.
Bead 058 This is about prayer, and the banishment of unhealthy thoughts. Miss Gilbert is not going to have unimportant prayers anymore. To a G-d that deals with famine, plague, and the Republican Party, just about any prayer from a privileged divorcee is going to seem unimportant. But it is important to Miss Gilbert, and that is what this book is about. After she is done, the next step is to choose her thoughts. Seven hundred times a day, she says to herself “I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore”.
PG read this a few hours before he wrote about it. His mood swings had been getting worse, with giddyier highs and crashing lows. He was in a bad mood, wondering if his knee would ever quit hurting, wondering if he would ever work again, wondering why on earth he was reading this silly book. Maybe, if he sees it through to the end, it will be worthwhile. If nothing else, it will be a good writing exercise.
Bead 059 When Miss Gilbert is scrubbing the floors of the temple, she talks to Tulsi, an Indian teenager. She is almost 18, which is the age for arranged marriage. She will go to a wedding, wearing a white sari, and somebody’s aunt will come to talk to her, and ask questions. What University are you going to? How much money does your family have? What is your birthday? What are your interests? If the aunt likes the answers, including astrological charts, the girl’s father will be asked if his daughter wants to marry the nephew. This is how they do it in India, and Tulsi does not look forward to it.
In the current debate about gay marriage, some talk about the state of marriage for the last six thousand years. What these people don’t tell you is that arranged marriage is far more common than today’s “traditional marriage”. The concept of a man and woman getting married because they love each other is a fairly recent innovation. In the history of the world, far more marriages have been set up by the families, with no say so from the bride and groom.
Bead 060 The friends of Liz Gilbert are tired of hearing about her busted marriage. Apparently, telling herself to banish unhealthy thoughts seven hundred times a day isn’t working out too good. One friend leads her into this tower, and hands her a list of ten rules for freedom. They all say “let go”, some with more accesorization than others. After she reads the list, she stays in the tower and creates a ritual to help her get over the divorce. “If you bring the right earnestness to your homemade ceremony, G-d will provide the grace. And that is why we need G-d.”
PG has the habit of reading while he eats. The problem with this is reading material like bead 060. It is very rude to throw up in a public restaurant.
Bead 061 Richard leaves the ashram to go back to his home state. He tells Miss Gilbert to find another man.
PG got a phone call from a committee promoting an election scheme. The idea is to raise the sales tax, and use the money for transportation projects. While few would disagree that the roads in the Atlanta area are a disaster, PG is increasingly annoyed at the tactics of the pro tax people. First it was the robocalls. Today, there was a lady, calling for what she said was a survey. There was only one question, and then a sales pitch for the tax scheme. The lady threw made a statement, and asked if that would encourage PG to vote for the scheme. PG said that he didn’t believe the claims the lady was making. The election is sometime in July, and there is going to be a lot of noise made about the tax scheme. If PG votes for the scheme, it will be in spite of, not because of, the phone calls.
Bead 062 Miss Gilbert decides she talks too much. The rest of the time at noname ashram, she is going to be “That quiet girl”.
While the Murray Hill baseball team was losing to the Lincoln Giants, a negro organization, its lockers were pilfered by persons unknown. // The McKinney brothers capsized on Croton Lake. One, unable to swim, seized the other, who could, by the neck. Both gone a hundred years now. // The soothsayer at Coney Island predicted Giuseppe would marry Josephine. But not that, two weeks later, he would gas himself. // At 167th Street, a man in a fine black suit, handkerchief monogrammed H.O., separated, with a train’s help, his head from his body. // Parsons, a lawyer, holds the speed record between New York and Albany. Or rather, “held,” since he is no more. // On East 109th Street, with a wooden bat, Andreo Reso struck, as though it were a ball, the head of his neighbor Frank Fuculora. // Thank you Teju Cole.
Bead 063 One the day after she takes a vow of silence, Miss Gilbert recieves a new work assignment. She is to be “key hostess”. This will require her to have a bubbling personality, and do lots of talking. Somebody, somewhere, has a sick sense of humor.
There is a sundial in Rome, with an inscription in Latin, OMNES FERIUNT ULTIMA NECAT. It refers to the hours that are measured by the sundial. The rough translation: all of them wound, the last one kills.
Bead 064 OK, so maybe being That quiet girl was not such a great idea. Miss Gilbert is going to go forward, maybe speak a little bit less, maybe interrupt less, and just maybe be a better person.
In the bloggingheads talk, Miss Gilbert talks about her days as a magazine reporter. She was often not a nice person. She went in for the cheap joke, the touch of gratuitous snark. As she got older… in moments such as bead 064… Miss Gilbert realized that these were good people she was making fun of. In many ways, they were better people than her. It was much more challenging to write a complimentary piece about someone that you find to be peculiar.
Bead 065 Miss Gilbert describes her duties as the key hostess. There will be two groups coming to the ashram for one week visits. Miss Gilbert will greet them, answer questions, and basically be the cruise director. This is not what she had in mind when she took a vow of silence.
Miss Gilbert writes from a woman’s point of view. Anyone who doubts this should listen to this segment. “I was looking forward to the movie, and then I bought an Oscar de la Renta gown to wear to the premiere, and now I am escatic. It’s all about the dress”.
Bead 066 Most people spend their lives in three states of consciousness… waking, sleeping, and dreaming. A fourth state is turiya, an elevated state that is achieved through religious practice, among other things. Some disciplines say there are more states after that, each more elevated than the one before. The lack of conciousness alteration if one of the frustrations PG feels with Jesus worship.
In 1979, PG wound up in a moonie camp. Camp K was a former Girl Scout camp, located outside of Santa Rosa CA. On Tuesday, the speaker gave an answer to a question, and PG realized that he could not stay with this community. The next day, he got three nickels, and threw the hexagram for the I Ching. One of the lines said ” Go back to your old, “inferior” live with renewed energy and purpose” (not an exact quote) PG took this as an indication that he should leave, which he did on Saturday morning. He was soon back in Georgia, just as slack as ever.
Bead 067 While mentoring the guests, Miss Gilbert wants to watch over them, and put aside thoughts about her own spirtual development. One day, as if by magic, she was transported on the collective efforts of her pilgrims, and wound up in a transcendent state.
While typing the previous sentence, PG started to spell development devilopment. Devil. The bad G-d. Christians claim to be monotheistic, and wind up worshiping a variety of critters . The preacher at redo blue called PG the devil on a number of occasions. If only PG had heard the radio show with Depak Chopra, he would have had the right answer.
Mr. Chopra was promoting a book, and made an appearance on a radio show. The radio man repeated stated that Jesus Christ was his lord and savior, and was rather rude to Mr. Chopra. Finally, without raising his voice or showing anger, Mr. Chopra said “what you say says more about you than it does me”.
Bead 068 The seekers came and went, and Miss Gilbert was given an office job for the rest of her stay. She spends her time meditating blissfully and fooling around with eucalyptus trees.
PG has heard the phrase tree hugger, and has a slight problem with it. In Georgia, many of the trees are pines. If you hug a pine tree, you will be covered in pine sap, and broken bits of bark. It will be unpleasant. Another problem is the vibes from pine trees. They take over a piece of recently cleared land with aggressive enthusiasm. They produce a low quality wood. If you want to feel the essense of a tree, find a willing tree, and put the palms of your hands, on both sides, a few inches away, until you can feel the vibes from it. There is much less cleanup than if you hug one.
Bead 069 Sixty nine is a much loved number. It is twenty three times three. It represents a form of mutually cooperative union. The two numbers are similar, with a circle at one end, and a semi circle on top. Six has the complete circle at the bottom, and the semicircle goes to the right. Six is conservative. Nine has the circle on top, and the flare goes to the left. Nine is liberal. If six turns out to be nine, I don’t mind.
Once Anita Bryant was attacked by a protester, who threw a fruit pie in her face. She was being interviewed for Playboy magazine at the time, and the reporter found the box the pie came in. It cost sixty nine cents. The reporter made a joke about it, and Miss Bryant claimed not to know what he was talking about.
In EPL, Miss Gilbert finds a word in Sanskrit, antevasin. This is a person who lives on the border, who leaves a village to go live by the city limits. Miss Gilbert feels a kinship with this word. She does not want to live where everyone else does, but is not ready to be a hermit in the woods.
Bead 070 You should be wary of a chapter where they make a blanket statement about all the world’s religions in the first sentence. Miss Gilbert burns a few brain cells making generalizations about religion. There is an interesting mistake. The story goes that in 1954, the Catholic Church sent a group to Libya. The instructions were ” DO NOT think that you are going among infidels. Muslims attain salvation too. The ways of Providence are infinite”
Miss Gilbert credits those instructions to Pope Pius XI, aka Ambrogio Damiano Achille Ratti. This gentleman died February 10, 1939. The Pope in 1954 was Eugenio Marìa Giuseppe Giovanni Pacelli, who answered to Pius XII. He was the Pope during World War Two, and became a controversial figure. Some say he could have done more to help save Jews.
Bead 071 On her last night in the ashram, Miss Gilbert stays up in a meditation cave.
I have an inspiration blog and i think it’s great the way people express themselves on tumblr. i appreciate the photography and quotes for the beauty and truth they present (although other times, i just reblog stuff because the look nice and there’s nothing wrong with that as well). you are entitled to your own opinion and it’s nice that you’re honest, but there are people out there that do genuinely enjoy those blogs. and just for the record — some of the things i’ve seen on tumblr really have inspired me. i’m more optimistic and it’s nice to know there are people out there that think and look for the same things i do. it’s a nice community to be in (except for those bloggers that only care about gaining followers or becoming tumblr famous).
Bead 072 When she leaves the ashram, there are two poems placed before a picture of Swamiji. One was written early in the stay, and is very cynical. The second was written just before leaving, and is very happy.
Yes, the Republican primary was like a very entertaining circus, but when you get down to it, most people who vote will not be consoled that the robot won out over the clown.
Chapters one, two, and three have been published. Pictures are from The Library of Congress. These are Union soldiers from the War Between the States.

Classic Rock Stories: The Stories Behind the Greatest Songs of All Time is due back at the Chamblee library today. If PG is going to do a book report, now is the time.
This is what you might call a concept book. Assemble a bunch of stories about rock songs, gussy them up with graphics, and sell it. It was written in 1998, which makes it ancient itself. It was worth the effort to take home from the library, and read while warming up the car.
A few of the stories are fun to hear. The original lyric to Friend of the Devil was “It looks like water but it tastes like wine”. Lou Reed says it is your fault if you took Heroin after listening to his song. Mark Farner prayed to G-d to give him a hit record, and woke up in the middle of the night and wrote I’m your captain.
Some times censorship does not work. Steppenwolf wrote The Pusher and used GD in the properly… G-d, send this terrible person to hell. Some preachers in North Carolina objected, and the police told the band not to say the offending phrase. When they did the song, John Kay kept his mouth shut, and turned the microphone to the crowd. The audience knew the line. When the time came, they shouted  GD the pusherman.
Elton John knew the value of publicity, and has been eager to talk. Funeral for a friend was something Elton would want played at his funeral. He likes sad music, especially about dead blondes. Fellow singer Rod Stewart was offered a role in Tommy, and Elton advised him not to take it. A few months later, Pinball Wizard was offered to Elton, and the three foot tall platform shoes made a splash. Rod never forgave him. Elton thought Bennie and the Jets was a very strange song, and was surprised that it became a hit.
Sometimes it is best to ignore conventional wisdom. Soon after the second CSNY album came out, four unarmed students were killed at Kent State University. Neil Young wrote “Ohio”xx, and the band came out with a single within days. The suits thought that “Teach your children”xx was going to be the hit on that album.
Stories get told about bands and songs. When Wont Get Fooled Again came out, PG was told that Pete Townshend met someone, and invited this person to his hotel room. Before long, it was discovered that what seemed to be a she was really a he. In this book, Mr. Townshend said that it was revolutionary tough talk.
Early in their career, Lynyrd Skynyrd was playing four shows a night, and did not have a lot of material. When they played Free Bird, they tried to make it longer and longer. It is generally easier to pad out one song than to write two more. Another long wonder, In a Gadda da Vida, started out as “In the garden of eden”. The singer drank a gallon of red mountain wine, and the rest is history.
Robert Plant hates Stairway to Heaven
Not As Advertised January 8, 2012 D. Turner
Lots of blank space for such a small book and really not all that interesting. I’ve read dozens of books about Rock history, and this collection is one of the weakest to date. Frankly, I’d be embarrassed to even loan this book to a friend, and would not recommend it to others.
Writen in One Afternoon August 8, 2000 vonhayek
Stories? I don’t think so. The “story” behind each song is simply a quote or two. The author didn’t want to be burdened with the task of actually writing anything. And the quotes are frequently brief. The “story” behind Fleetwood Mac’s “Go Your Own Way,” for instance, is all of four lines. This is book is mostly air. And as for “Classic” Rock, I humbly submit that songs like “Substitute,” “That Smell,” “Treat Me Right” by Pat Benetar have not exactly been labeled “classic” by anyone but Morse. I think what happened here is that Morse spend an afternoon on Nexus running searches for a bunch of songs and came up with a miscellaneous series of quotes from  Rolling Stone. I feel ripped off.
Pictures are from The Library of Congress.

Bead 019 It was a glorious Sunday afternoon. PG called Uzi, woke him up, and suggested they go to the 420 festival. This is a neighborhood shindig in painfully trendy Candler Park. Uzi is going to drive to PG, who will drive them downtown. In the half hour or so before the company arrives, PG is going to try and knock out a few beads of this book report.
PG and Uzi have a basic disagreement about how to go places. PG likes surface roads, and Uzi prefers interstates. When PG is going west on i285, he gets on at Glenridge Road. Uzi lives off Abernathy Road in Sandy Springs. The idea of taking the interstate to Uzi’s place strikes PG as insanity. To Uzi, surface roads provide access to the freeways. However, on this sunday, four lanes of I285 are shut down for road work. This is a good day to take surface roads. PG briefed Uzi on the way to go, and hopefully he will not get lost.
This is a good bead to warm up with. Miss Gilbert notes that she has not done yoga since arriving in Rome. The yoga mat will go unused until she arrives in India. It is noted that yoga rhymes with toga.
Bead 020 Gomer Pyle had a saying. His grandmother taught it to him.“Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other gold”. This bead is about the friends that Miss Gilbert has made in Rome. Her favorite is a tax accountant named Luca Spaghetti.
PG was writing something once, and did not know how to spell spaghetti. Spi and spe were the logical choices. The dictionary did not yield results with either prefix. Finally, PG got out the yellow pages. He found a restaurant called the Spaghetti Store. And he has known how to spell spaghetti ever since. Since then, spell check has made this skill obsolete
Bead 021 This bead is about the pursuit of pleasure. Italians are reputed to be better at this than uptight white americans. Miss Gilbert is trying. The only museum she has visited is the museum of pasta. There is the time when she gathers a few items at a market, takes them to her place, and conjures up a meal. This is what Italians call l’arte d’arraniarsi … making something out of nothing.
There are three basic devices for playing with text… bold, underline, and italic. PG has long exploited bold and underline for breaking up text into bite sized chunks, but has a long standing reluctance to italicize. Historically, italics have been used to set apart languages other than English. The paragraph above may be the first time PG has put anything in Italics. The fact that it is an Italian word, in a book report about Italy, is a coincidence.
Bead 022 Miss Gilbert has come to Italy to pursue pleasure, but is determined to be celibate. To some, this is a contradiction. To her, it makes sense. She is recovering from a traumatic divorce, and technically still dating a toxic bf. She has been continually in relationships for years, and needs a break.
This is one arena where PG and Miss Gilbert are dramatically different. At a discussion group on Saturday, someone asked PG when his last relationship was. It was in 1988, and PG still feels he was fortunate to have had that. When you are a Zorlack, it is tough to connect with earthlings. In that same group, someone asked PG what he thought when he got off. The answer was “where is the paper towel”. This got a good laugh, but is technically not true.
Bead 023 Luca Spaghetti took Liz Gilbert to a soccer match. This is a serious sport in Italy. She sits in front of a man who expands her knowledge of Italian cusswords.
It is ironic that the word used here to describe the sport is soccer. The word is an american abomination, short for association football. The rest of the world calls it football, or the local equivalent. It is odd that Miss Gilbert goes to Italy to wallow in the language, and then uses a clumsy american phrase to discuss the european obsession. According to answers.com, soccer is sometimes called calcio (pronounced “kahltsho”) in Italy. This answer was sponsored by a listing for a urologist.
Bead 024 Liz Gilbert sees learning Italiano as being locked into a candy store. Every day is a new treat, many of them unexpected. It turns out that tree and hotel are similar in Italiano. When Miss Gilbert says she grew up on a christmas tree farm, people wonder what a christmas hotel is, and why it is grown on a farm. The favorite words so far is attraversiamo, which means “Lets cross over”. The chance to use this word sometimes means diving into the most deadly traffic in Europe.
PG has always wondered why languages have a different name is other languages. We say spanish, until we go to Buford Hiway, where it is espanol. Italian is italiano, german is deutsch, portoguese is portogues. It is one more reason to try esparanto.
Bead 025This bead is about a walking tour of Rome. Miss Gilbert set out strolling, not knowing where she was going to go. In many cities, this can be dangerous. The finale was Augusteum, a grand mausoleum built for one of the Caesars. It has fallen into disrepair, and is now partially buried under the dirt of the ages.
April 25 is ANZAC day. This is a remembrance of the young men who were slaughtered at Gallipoli. This siege was ninety seven years ago, and not one person out of ten thousand can tell you why. Yesterday was Armenian Genocide Remembrance Day. It is a shame when a people’s sacrifice is remembered in proportion to their skill at publicity.
Bead 026 The Italian postal service is not efficient. Miss Gilbert shipped a box of books to Rome, and is wondering when they will arrive. Some of her friends say not to worry, it is in the hands of G-d. Nothing humans can do will affect it.
The same can be said about the critters that regulate spam. PG got two invites to join an internet service today. They were from the same person, who is a nice man that PG is not in close contact with. One of the invites was addressed to Luther, and one to Cam. PG’s “real” name starts with Luther Campbell. Most of his life, he has been called Cam. In the last two years, he has started to use Luther. The name of the person connected to the invites is Ed, who calls PG Cam.
Bead 027 Miss Gilbert takes her friend Sophie on a day trip to Naples. The line in corny movies is see Naples and die. The ladies give it their best shot. They do to a place said to have the best pizza in Naples, and possibly the world.
There is a picture with this feature of a Checkers hamburger stand on Buford Hiway. In an act of mercy, this facility has been closed. When Miss Gilbert went to Italy to eat fabulous food, PG went to Buford Hiway to get gutbomb (spell check suggestion:gumbo) burgers.
In 1994, Richard Nixon died. The liberal media did not have him to kick around any more. One day PG noticed an enormous flag at half staff. It was at Checkers. PG was probably the only person who made the connection.
Bead 028 The rebound bf is David. Miss Gilbert can’t live with him, and can’t live without him. One day, she sends him an email to break up. Later in the day, she receives a reply, telling her that he agrees this is the best thing to do. Miss Gilbert then gets a phone call from Giovanni, wondering where she is. Miss Gilbert starts to cry hysterically when she tries to tell Giovanni the story. He is totally sweet and understanding, but does not kiss her.
One problem with writing on a computer is the distraction of the internet. You never know when you are going to miss something on facebook. Like this: I think the remains of the recent emotional cataclysm are gone. Got up, gave myself an amusing haircut, did some watering and transplanting on the Flats, and went for a long (by recent standards) run in the lovely morning. Clomped along, concentrating on the green, the growing, the flowering, the scented, and when I came to a particularly generous patch of sky, looked up and said, “Wow, And it’s all MINE.” I’ll share, of course. So, yeah, back to reasonably happy. Then a bird shat on me.
There is an old saying … I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. Ray Charles said to use ex lax.
Bead 029 Miss Gilbert has one sister. She is older, knows more things, and is named Catherine. For a long time the two did not get along, but finally are starting to bond. Catherine comes to Rome to visit Liz, and they go for an educational romp around the city.
In the last sentence, bond was originally typed bone. E is above d on the keyboard, and this is an easy mistake to make. Bonding and boning are similar concepts, but different in some crucial ways. If it turns out that the sisters are boning each other (is that possible without male participation), then the movie will be a lot more fun.
Bead 030 This bead is about children. Miss Gilbert thought for a while that she wanted them, and then decided that she did not. There is an attic apartment awaiting her in sister’s house, and a future as the family flake. This is not an appealing prospect. Perhaps she can write blog posts. It is good to remember that easy writing makes tough reading. Stream of consciousness is a lot more fun to write than to read.
Bead 031 Miss Gilbert drops out of Italiano (spell check suggestion:Totalitarian) class, and starts to travel with a vengeance. Meanwhile, at his group on saturday night, someone asked PG where he would go if money was no object. This threw PG for a loop, because travel fantasy has never been a part of his lifestyle. This might be a function of being perpetually single. If you don’t have anyone to go with, what is the point of going anywhere. The one dependable travel companion PG has is Uzi, and they are limited to road trips within a few hours of Atlanta. Finally, after stumbling and harrumphing, PG said he might enjoy going back to Seattle, to see where he had been in 1980.
Bead 032 The next stops on the tour are Florence and Venice. A friend from Seattle joins the show in Venice. In contrast to the rhapsodies about Venice that Erica Jong dispenses, Miss Gilbert seems to feel sorry for the place.
PG saw Erica Jong give a book tour talk once. It was in a former foreign car dealership in Buckhead, that enjoyed a second life as a bookstore. The audience was very feminist, full of women who got off on asking questions that included the f word. She did not say anything about Venice.
In March 1990, Tom Robbins made an appearance at the same Buckhead bookstore. PG got there after the reading, and saw the line of people getting books signed. At one point, Mr. Robbins stood up, and turned around, the the delight of manbutt admirers.
When PG got home from seeing the levis of Tom Robbins, there was a message on his machine. A longtime friend said he had something important to tell him. He had aids. Two years later, when PG got back from Amsterdam , there was a message from longtime friend’s mother.
Bead 033 There is a concept that you can choose one word to describe a major city. For Stockholm, conform. For New York, achieve. For Atlanta, marketing. For Rome, sex. All caps are used in this chapter, but PG is tired of shouting. When everyone is shouting, nobody is heard. People think that their wonderful opinions become more true when they express them with more volume.
The original version of this paragraph ended with the words “PG begs to differ.” When the image was saved and previewed, the word differ was on a line by itself. This is known as a widow, and looks bad. PG decided to eliminate the phrase, “PG begs to differ”. When someone begs to differ, that phrase can usually be eliminated without affecting the meaning of the paragraph.
The images for this feature were originally edited to a four to three format. They were intended to fit the monitor of PG’s computer, which was set to 1024×768. In the time since then, PG has discovered the joys of the golden rectangle. This means that pictures 720 pixels wide will be 447 pixels tall. This is the golden mean, a size which mathematicians sing the praises of. The golden mean is quite possibly an Italian discovery.
Bead 034 The nickname for Silvio Berlusconi is l’idiota. When an American talks about George Bush, Italians say they have one too. In this chapter, Luca Spaghetti has an american style thanksgiving for his birthday. It turns into a tearful, drunken feast.
The pictures for today’s post come from a variety of places. PG takes his camera wherever he goes, and then edits the results. Sometimes the folders are full of usable material. Other folders have a good picture or two. A few months ago, PG reviewed the list of folders, and put an x beside the ones that did not have a lot of good material. While picking pics for this post, PG took images from seven folders deemed not worthy of use. It is a dog’s breakfast, with shots taken in Piedmont Park, the Flying Biscuit, the Norfolk Southern tracks, and a restricted property.
Bead 035 All of this decadent eating has a cost. Miss Gilbert cannot fit into any of her clothes. She buys some jeans for the remaining time she will be in Italy. Soon, she will be an Indian ascetic, and losing weight will be relatively easy.
While assembling this feature, PG dropped by an arrogant Jesus worship blog. The blog has a device where you can check on a star, or number of stars, to “rate” the post. Since PG is banned from commenting at this facility, he clicks one star, usually without the unpleasant experience of reading the post. Nothing personal, just business. The blogger is question (or is that questionable blogger?) observed this rating. “And the first rating: 1 star! I’m looking forward to the one-star rating army to come and tell me how shameful this post is — I hope they can enumerate the shamefulness for me so I can improve myself in the future.”
PG sent a tweet in reply “@Frank_Turk Maybe if you allow one star reviewers to speak they could tell you why.” The absolute worst thing that could happen is for the ban on commenting to be lifted, and to invite PG to “enumerate the shamefulness.” If this was to happen, then PG would be required to read the post in question.
Bead 036 In the last bead about Italy, Miss Gilbert goes to Sicily and eats fabulous food. Part one of this cycle was posted a few days ago. PG is beginning to wonder if this chapter by chapter business is really a good idea.

Bead 109This story starts when PG heard a TED talk, Atheism 2.0. The TEDder, Alain de Botton, said “Okay, we’re not going to have new TED. We’re just going to run through all the old ones and watch them five times because they’re so true. We’re going to watch Elizabeth Gilbert five times because what she says is so clever,” PG had seen a bloggingheads episode with Miss. Gilbert, and she seemed like a pleasant enough person. A few weeks later, as if by magic, a copy of Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia showed up on the new book shelf at the Chamblee library.
The first chapter described the way the book was to be organized. There is a prayer bead device in India called japa malas. It is a string with 108 beads, and is used in meditation. It is the forerunner of the rosary. Ms. Gilbert decided to divide her book into 108 chapters. This is a magic number. It is three, to the third power, multiplied by two, to the second power. PG read this immediately after writing a post with 108 lines.
PG has written chapter by chapter impressions of books before. It has been a while, and EPL seemed like a good candidate. If it gets too corny, there is no obligation to finish. The PG chapters may only have the slightest resemblance to what goes on in the book. It will be an excuse to write. It is also a good way to read a book.
Bead 001 Ms. Gilbert is in Italy. This is the first part of her year abroad. She has a friend named Giovanni, who she is hot for. She also thinks it would be a bad move to fool around with him. In this chapter, she goes to dinner with Giovanni, and goes back to her room, alone. Before she goes to bed, she offers a prayer of thanks.
When PG hears the name Gilbert, he always thinks of a gas station attendant in Florida. It was one of the last family vacations, before PG got to be old enough to stay home. The family went to Panama City, to a hotel run by Ora Lovelady. At the gas station en route, the man looked at mom, and said “She putts me to mind of one of the Gilbert girls, from DeFuniak Springs.” Dad thought this was hilarious, and told the story dozens of times.
Evidently, Elizabeth Gilbert was born Elizabeth Gilbert, and stayed that way. The last post of the eat-pray-love-fans blog was Hyperion cancels book by Elizabeth Gilbert’s Ex-Husband. His name was Michael Cooper. Her current husband is José Nunes.
Bead 002 In this chapter, Ms. Gilbert time trips back a few years, to the time before her marriage fell apart. She realized she did not want to have a baby, nor did she want to be married. The trouble was, no other options were very appealing. She decided to pray about it.
As regular readers of this blog know, PG is not a Jesus worshiper. Nor is he an atheist. The concept of prayer can be very appealing, and seems like, at the very least, it could not hurt. And yet, after the turmoil kicked up by Jesus worshipers, PG just cannot bring himself to pray. The person, who had the most spiritual influence on PG, snarled “I’m going to pray for you brother” out of anger. This, and many other incidents, makes PG unwilling to try prayer. If you get drunk on a particular kind of whiskey, and have a horrible hangover, you never want to even smell it again.
Another problem is the question, who is prayer directed to? Beliefs about G-d are like assholes and opinions… everybody’s got theirs. The best concept that PG has heard is the one from the lecturer at a Moonie camp. The value of the chemicals in the human body is estimated to be anywhere from six to a hundred dollars. And yet, no white coat chemist can combine these elements to make a person. To the moonies, G-d is the difference between a human being, and six dollars worth of chemicals.
There are other ways to express this concept. Some see G-d as the software, or the DNA, of the universe. Others say her domain is limited to earth. Gustave Flaubert is credited, by G–gle , with the saying “G-d is in the details.” Maybe G-d is the whirlwind that blows through a junkyard, and creates a jet engine. Some say G-d and man are indivisible, others say they are separate. PG is only sure of one thing. G-d does not write books. (To those who say prayer should come from the heart, and not the head … the pain Jesus has caused PG is felt in the heart. Mental pain is easier to rationalize away.)
Bead 003 Ms. Gilbert goes paddling up a tributary in this chapter, talking about what she means by G-d. At the end, she believes in a magnificent G-d.
A few hours ago, PG put eight tomato plants in the ground. While walking back uphill, to the one part of the backyard that gets sunlight, PG decided to have a few words for G-d. Any help you can give will be appreciated. Lets see if we can do better than we did last year. When you get tired of sending rain, send more rain, and then more. The people in Texas can dry up, just don’t let any more of their governors get elected President. Just because Jimmy Carter came from Georgia, that doesn’t mean Texas can get uppity. This was not said in anybody’s name. PG wonders why anyone would talk to G-d in somebody else’s name.
Bead 004 Liz is still in the bathroom of her fabulous home, praying away. Finally, G-d speaks to her, and tells her to go to bed.
A few years ago, PG had a job driving a truck in Cobb County. When he was stopped at a red light, next to the Big Chicken, he would talk to G-d. One time, the question was “why does Jesus hate me?”. The answer was “I don’t know”.
Bead 005 The story of EPL is simple. The life of Liz Gilbert is a disaster. This chapter tells a big part of the story. She decides to leave her husband. A rebound bf comes into the picture, and a blissful summer ensues. Then it is September 11, 2001. The divorce machinery is warming up. David, the bf, starts to be a problem. This is not good.
Bead 006 Miss Gilbert’s life is in ruins, but she now has time to do what she wants to do. One thing is to learn Italian. For some reason, the language has always appealed to her. Every new word is a like a piece of candy.
PG is not wired for learning new languages. The first class he ever flunked was ninth grade Latin. In 1996, he bought some tapes and books, and tried to learn Spanish. His mexican friend looked at him like he was crazy. The tapes gave him brain damage. This is living next to a census tract that is 92% hispanic. Outside of “tu trabajo es su credito” at the used car lot, PG is just as monolingual as ever.
Bead 007 This has nothing to do with James Bond. The numbers in the book are single digit, then double digits, then, finally after 99, triple digits. PG got into triple digits when he was working with creating print jobs from files. It just works a lot better with those useless zeros.
Zero is the great improvement of arabic numbers over the roman variety. Even though nothing is nothing, it should take a place when it is time to count. Without zero we would not have negative numbers, nor the existential threat of the square root of negative one.
In this chapter of EPL, David, the rebound bf from hell, introduces Liz to an Indian spiritual teacher. It turns out she lives in India, has an ashram, and no one in New York has ever met her. The mantra of choice is Om Namah Shivaya, which translates as “I honor the divinity that resides within me. Lady Gilbert decides to go to India, and visit the Ashram.
Bead 008 The magazine that Liz Gilbert works for hands her an assignment to go to Indonesia. This was after Barack Obama lived there… the whereabouts of his stepfather were not mentioned in this chapter. While there, she met a Balinese medicine man. “What I want to learn is how to live in this world, and enjoy it’s delights, but also devote myself to God”. Ketut Liyer, the medicine man, showed her a drawing. “It was na androgynous human figure, standing up. hands clasped in prayer. But this figure had four legs, and no head. Where the head should have been, there was only a wild foliage of ferns and flowers. There was a small, smiling face drawn over the heart…. To find the balance that you want, this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the the earth this it’s like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart instead. That way, you will know G-d”  PG wonders if he could keep this advice.
Bead 009 The divorce drama is getting intense. The ex is refusing to sign an agreement, and it looks like a court battle is eminent. Meanwhile, Miss Gilbert goes on a book tour, with a supportive friend in tow. The friend convinces Liz to make a written petition to G-d, to resolve this divorce business once and for all. The petition is written, and numerous friends and celebrities sign on, by proxy, in a motorcar driving across Kansas. At this point, the cell phone rings. It is an attorney, with the news that the ex has signed the papers.
Bead 010 There is a symmetry to 010, especially when it is preceded by a blank space. Liz Gilbert would be very happy if this bead had been preceded by a blank space, instead of the turmoil of her 911 life. This chapter is the end of the beginning. The divorce is paid for, the properties disposed of, and a handy publisher contributes an book advance. The plan is to be in Italy four months, India four months, and Indonesia four months. It would have been cheaper to spend the time in Indiana, Illinois, and Iowa, but then it would have been called Dribble, Duck, and Eat. It would have a corny ending.
Bead 011 Miss Gilbert eats her first meal in Rome. She quotes a letter by the poet Shelley, who was horrified that women of social rank ate garlic in Italy. After the meal, Miss Gilbert goes to her dwelling and falls asleep.
Today is download day for Chamblee54. If you are going to have pictures from The Library of Congress, then you have to download. The machine pulls down 11mb a minute. The current image is Hoerr’s feed store in Peoria, IL. It was photographed for the Farm Security Administration in 1938. PG has never been to Peoria, IL. An acquaintance of PG named David Wallach used to talk about moving to Peoria, IL, and opening a bar. This was before he killed himself.
Bead 012 The campaign to learn Italian is going full blast. Miss Gilbert will read newspaper articles, and look up every third word. She learns that Italian babies are the fattest in Europe. There is more talk about the fountains of Rome, and the aqueducts that brought all that water into the City.
The day before, PG had gone to a park near his house. Mason Mill park was an abandoned water works. The old buildings are covered with festive graffiti. It had been a while since PG had been there, and going on this day was not really a good idea. On February 8, PG twisted his right knee, and has been carefully rehabbing it ever since. One is carefully with the route, if every step has the potential for pain. As it turns out, some do gooders had been to the park, building concrete walkways and fences. One more neat place has been nannified into bland regularity. And yes, one of the concrete structures had been turned into a fountain.
Bead 013 This is where Liz Gilbert evaluates herself as a traveler. She has her good points and her bad points. The best of her good points is the ability to make friends easily. This might be the weakest of PG’s weak points. He is a Zorlack… the race of people that even the most politically correct feel encouraged to hate on. PG did not ask to be a Zorlack. If he had his druthers, he would still be on Thrunombulax, among critters who understand him. Life is not fair, even if fair is a baseball hit between first and third base. PG is a popup headed into the seats behind the catcher. The good news is that his continued existence is an annoyance to people who need to be both pissed off and pissed on.
Bead 014 The idea of going to Italy is to learn Italian. PG could walk a mile from his house, (if his knee would cooperate) and be in Mexico. This is not what Miss Gilbert wants, so she has to go to Rome, where she will consider doing as the Romans do. She goes to the first day at the Leonardo da Vinci Academy of Language Studies. A test is given, and Miss Gilbert is placed in a level two class. A few minutes into the first session, her head is spinning. A trip to the office is made, and Liz Gilbert is placed in a level one class.
In 1971, the fad in Dekalb county was to have students spend their last year of high school at a community college. Some schools were overcrowded, and saw this as a handy way to get rid of students. PG was just happy to get out of Cross Keys. When it was time to register, you could take English 101, or a remedial class. PG was a good writer, and signed up for 101. The first week of class, PG wrote an essay. The teacher, Ann Peets, read the essay to the class. It was presented as being an example of how NOT to write.
Ann Peets was a great teacher. She said things that PG remembers 40 years later. A woman went to William Faulkner, and said she had read Sanctuary five times, and did not understand it. He told her to read it a fifth time. The best way to win an argument is to use statistics. The best way to get statistics is to make them up.
Bead 015 The bead is about the origins of Italian. It is a good story. PG hopes it is true. This is a problem, when authors take a break from their story to deliver a lesson. You have to trust them to know the facts. Since it doesn’t much matter anyway, PG will believe her.
It seems as though Latin was the dominant language of Europe. As time passed by, the dialects of the regions got more and more different. The language spoke in the dominant city became recognized as the correct version of the language. PG is happy that american english did not adopt New Yorkese as the accepted variety.
Italy was another story, with it being a collection of warring city states most of it’s history. To this day, many wonder if a unified Italy is a good idea. (Is today an abbreviated form of to this day?) So anyway, some fart smellers smart fellers decided to use the language of Dante as the official Italian.
A few months after PG took English101, he got a job on the maintenance crew at Northlake Mall. There was a security dog there named Dante. It was PG’s job to go walk Dante. This was before the office buildings surrounding the mall had been built. Northlake Parkway had a bridge over I285, with woods on all sides of it. Atlanta was a much greener city then.
Bead 016 Depression and Loneliness plugged in a GPS, found Liz Gilbert, and came to pay a visit. This is to be expected. PG calls it the 24 hour syndrome. Typically, about a day into your adventure, you realize that you are the same sorry person as before. You let it pass, and a few hours later you are back in the game.
By contrast, PG is having an excellent day. He rode his bike to the county tax office, chained it to a railing, got his wallet, cellphone, book, and car renewal papers out of the box, and walked into the office. The guard said to go to the lady at the first window. There was no waiting in line. This may never happen again.
Bead 017 It turns out that Miss Gilbert uses anti depressants. The standard story is told…she was staring at her left wrist, with a knife in her her right hand. (This is an invented detail. When you ask Mr. Google if Miss Gilbert is left handed, you are referred to a blog post. One of the commenters said “Take some time, using the left-hand navigation list on their site, and dig into topics you are interested in.” ) So modern chemistry saved her life, la dee dah.
PG never saw any benefit from using pills. Years of self medication with beer and reefer was fun, but PG got bored. It is true, when you sober up, your problems are still there. PG does not rule out chemical depression suppression. It might indeed work for others. It might not work for PG, and the money can be better spent elsewhere.
Bead 018 Part of the maturity process is learning to enjoy cheap food. You can buy a bag of mixed beans at Kroger, divide the bag in half, soak half the beans, and store the other half in an empty peanut butter jar. When the beans have absorbed water, you put them in a pot, and turn the gas on full blast. Set the timer for 4:00, and be prompt about going back to the stove. Turn the heat down to where the blue flames are just barely visible. Put the lid on, with a little bit hanging over the edge so the steam can get out. Set the timer for 33:33. When the timer makes the appropriate noise, go turn the heat off. This is a dangerous process. If you don’t turn down the heat after 4:00, the frothy mix at the top will boil over, and make a horrible mess on your stovetop. (This frothy mix is more edible than Santorum.) If you forget to turn off the heat after 33:33, then the beans will eventually burn, and you will need to evacuate your kitchen.
The other night, PG went to a potluck supper. When he made the pre dinner trip to Kroger, the easter candy was 70% off. PG bought a handful of little chocolate bunnies, only one of which was chosen by a diner. This did not hurt PG’s feelings, who looked forward to having chocolate bunnies to snack on. When it was time for lunch today, PG scooped a serving of beans out of the plastic container, and placed them in the pot. To this he added a little chocolate bunny, which he broke into pieces. After a few minutes of heating, a bean soup, with chocolate bunny sauce, awaited PG.
Ok, this is supposed to be about Bead 018. In this chapter, Miss Gilbert is in panic mode. She is depressed and has run out of Wellbutrin. The answer is to take out a secret notepad, and tell the notepad about her trubbles. The spirit within tells her to write a message, saying that she was loved. Miss Gilbert goes to bed, and all is well.
By amazing coincidence, before he wrote about Bead 018, PG listened to a conversation on BlogginheadsTV. Ross Douthat is hitting the mammon circuit with a new book, Bad Religion: How We Became a Nation of Heretics. (“What’s the point of writing a book if you can’t be a little bit judgmental”) One of the featured segments was The heresy of “Eat, Pray, Love”.
Here is the money quote. (Mistakes happen when PG transcribes.) “Ross Douthat– The problem is, the word I use is narcissism. The peril of having too close an identification between G-d and the self. Robert Wright– You mean she hears G-d as her own voice when she has an epiphany? That it sounds like her talking, is that what you mean? Ross Douthat– Thats what I mean. More generally, it’s the idea that you identify G-d with your most authentic self. ” Mr. Wright has never read Eat, Pray, Love, but he describes the chapter that PG was about to critique.
Pictures are from The Library of Congress. The spell check suggestion for Douthat is handout.

It was an unproductive visit to the Chamblee library. PG looked in the new books, the Georgia history, the A fiction, and the R fiction. He trolled the biographies, and back across the lounge of newspaper readers for another hopeful look through the fiction. Finally, he went to the V fiction. On the bottom row of a shelf, within the reach of small children, was Kurt Vonnegut. A book with the unlikely title Bagombo Snuff Box: Uncollected Short Fiction cried out “Take me home. Cat’s Cradle has a superiority complex that is highly annoying”. PG sighed, shifted the book into his left hand, and headed to the checkout machine.
BSB is a collection of short stories. Mr. Vonnegut (he did not have a middle name) came of age at a time when magazines were thriving, and published short stories. You could make a living doing it. BSB follows the tradition of selling anything you can find by an artist who has become marketable.
The stories are short, and fun to read. None of them tell a country song, even if country songs tell a story. A bartender could knock one out on his bus ride to work, and put the Saturday Evening Post back in his bag. The Norman Rockwell painting approved. Live goes on in Ilium, New York.
A high school bandleader named George Helmholtz makes a number of appearances. Joe Bane, a pawnbroker, turns down a chance to buy a watch Adolf Hitler gave the watch to a Nazi General, before it was stolen by an American POW. In the title story, Eddie Laird gives an old gf a priceless trinket, and she believes the lie. At no time is the phrase and so it goes used.
Some of the stories are not pleasant. 2 B R 0 2 B is about a future where old age and disease are conquered, and the people miss them. As link followers might guess, the tale is available for purchase as a stand alone book. PG tried to be fair, and listened to 8:43 of a audio version of the story, before shutting the tale down in dismay. Nor were amazon reviewers amused.
Should be sold in a collectionJanuary 22, 2011 W. L. LaCroix (Montana)
This is too short to sell separately.
You’re screwing people selling it stand-alone. I’m sure Kurt is rolling in his grave.
Waste of money July 19, 2010 Marty
I’m a big Vonegut fan, but I think this was designed to sucker us in to buying it.
I could swear I read this story in some other collection.
There was only one reviewer at amazon to give BSB one star.
Too good to be trueSeptember 25, 1999 jeffatbdi@aol.com (Southern California)
What a disappointment. KV must need money; it’s the only reason I can see for dragging out this last load of early fluff. It’s not hard to understand why these stories were uncollected up to now. They are all pre-enlightenment Vonnegut and, if you’re a fan of his unique view of the cosmos as expressed in his deep and witty novels, you’re in for a letdown. These stories are a chore to read—some don’t even have endings; they just stop, a bit like KV’s writing career. I heard him tell an interviewer that he’s run out of things to say.
No unfiltered Pell Mell cigarettes were harmed during the writing of this book report.