Chamblee54

What follows are selections from The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce. TDD began as a newspaper column, and was later published as The Cynic’s Word Book. TDD is in the public domain. TDD is a dictionary, going from A to Z. Today’s selection covers J to L. More selections are available. (A – D E – G H – I) Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. Russell Lee took the featured photograph in July 1941. “Cold drinks on Fourth of July. Vale, OregonVale, Oregon.” This is a repost.
JEALOUS Unduly concerned about preservation of what can be lost only if not worth keeping.
JUSTICE A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
KEEP He willed away his whole estate, And then in death he fell asleep,
Murmuring:”Well, at any rate, My name unblemished I shall keep.”
But when upon the tomb ’twas wrought Whose was it?—for the dead keep naught.
KILL To create a vacancy without nominating a successor.
KILT A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.
KING A male person commonly known in America as a “crowned head,”
although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.
KLEPTOMANIAC A rich thief.
KORAN A book Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration,
but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
LABOR One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
LANGUAGE The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another’s treasure.
LAP One of the most important organs of the female system—an admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal’s substantial welfare.
LAW Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
“Clear out!” he cried, “disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping.
Upon your knees if you appear, ‘Tis plain your have no standing here.”
Then Justice came.His Honor cried: “Your status?—devil seize you!”
“Amica curiae,” she replied— “Friend of the court, so please you.”
“Begone!” he shouted—”there’s the door— I never saw your face before!”
LAWFUL Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction.
LAWYER One skilled in circumvention of the law.
LAZINESS Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
LEAD A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers—particularly to those who love not wisely but other men’s wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong way. An fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities.
LECTURER One with hand in your pocket, tongue in your ear and faith in your patience.
LIAR A lawyer with a roving commission.
LIBERTY One of Imagination’s most precious possessions.
The rising People, hot and out of breath,
Roared around the palace:”Liberty or death!”
“If death will do,” the King said, “let me reign;
You’ll have, I’m sure, no reason to complain.”
LIFE “Life’s not worth living, and that’s the truth,” Carelessly caroled the golden youth.
In manhood still he maintained that view And held it more strongly the older he grew.
When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, “Go fetch me a surgeon at once!” cried he.
LITIGANT A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
LITIGATION A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
LOGIC The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion—thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; therefore—
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
LOGOMACHY ‘Tis said by divers of scholar-men, Poor Salmasius died of Milton’s pen.
Alas! we cannot know if this is true, For reading Milton’s wit we perish too.
LOQUACITY Disorder which renders sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk.
LORD In American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger, as, lord ‘Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as “Sir,” as, Sir ‘Arry Donkiboi, or ‘Amstead ‘Eath. The word “Lord” is sometimes used, also, as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather flattery than true reverence.
LOSS Here Huntington’s ashes long have lain, Whose loss is our eternal gain,
For while he exercised all his powers, Whatever he gained, the loss was ours.