Chamblee54

The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest has announced the results of the 2023 competition. Every year, B-LFC solicits opening sentences for bad novels. The “winners” of this competition receive heartfelt condolences from all concerned. Chamblee54 uses B-LFC as an excuse for text to go between pictures every year, like this. Pictures today are from The Library of Congress.
As a “value added service,” chamblee54 compiles a list of noteworthy author names and locations. This years notables: Adam Chmelka, Olathe, KS, Ananya Benegal, St. Louis, MO, Candy Mosley, Hydro, OK, Clark Snodgrass, Huntington Beach, CA, David Snook, Berkeley, CA, Frederick Ankowski, Santa Monica, CA, Gary Funk, Sacramento, CA, Gloria Glau Burkstaller, Rome, Italy, Haley Shirley, Greensboro NC, Jaya Basu, Chestertown, MD, Joran Boersma, Drachten, The Netherlands, Julian Calvin, Atlanta, GA, Jyri And, Estonia, Larry Nixon, Qualicum Beach, Canada, Maya Pasic, New York, NY, Mugdhaa Ranade, Mumbai, India,  Oliver Mauserthan, Jacksonville, FL, Rob Greer, Queen Creek, AZ, Wilhelmina Lyre, Hausen, Germany
The tall, slender seductress had Tom Pauley wrapped around her little finger, and she had James McGee hanging from a necklace, but the police were still waiting for the lab results to determine whose body parts she had used to make her earrings and that stunning tennis bracelet.
Julian Calvin, Atlanta, GA
As Snow White met with her new, cheaper, replacement dwarfs for the first time, shaking hands in turn with the likes of Sweaty, Greasy, and Flabby, aptly named identical twins Grabby and Gropy, and proud owner-of-a-joy-buzzer Scabby, she found herself wondering if the savings would prove to be worth it, and she was about to learn why the others were so afraid of the seventh new dwarf, the oddly named Uzi. David Snook, Berkeley, CA
After the unfortunate events involving the wicked stepmothers of Cinderella, Snow White, and Hansel and Gretel, the city council set out to ban all men from remarrying until further notice.           Ezra Greenhill, Portland, OR
Having attended Oktoberfest, taken in the beautiful foliage of New England, gone apple-picking, roamed through a corn maze, and visited a pumpkin patch, one thing was certain—Humpty Dumpty had a great Fall. Mark Meiches, Dallas, TX
For the third time this week, Lassie dragged Timmy from the well, and while she performed CPR wondered when the Martins would have the good sense to connect to the public water supply instead of living in their libertarian fantasy-world of self-reliance.   Joel Phillips, Weston Trenton, NJ
Officer Meyer Briggs burst into the bedroom and saw Professor Rorschach standing over the body of his mother, bloody knife in hand, “I swear it’s not what it looks like!” Rorschach exclaimed.         Justin C. McCarthy, Cranston, RI
She waltzed into the place like a spring thaw, all flushed and bursting with promises of warm and cloying things to come but I stopped her in her tracks with a dream-grounding “This is a detective agency sweetcakes, not a dance studio.”  Larry Nixon, Qualicum Beach, Canada
It was a dark and stormy night when I decided that opening was far too clichéd for my erudite, scintillating novel, so I withdrew my indispensable, adroit thesaurus and compelled my readers to penetrate a tenebrific, aphotic, tempestuous, acrimonious nightertale. Jaya Basu, Chestertown, MD      It was a dark and stormy night a few weeks before this story began, and since ‘damp and drizzly’ and ‘slightly breezy’ aren’t very atmospheric, let’s fudge the dates and start there instead.          Vanessa Bullock, Earby, Lancashire, UK
It was a dark and stormy night and, having only cans of chili, corn, and sauerkraut in my meager larder, I mixed my supper, knowing that if the electricity went out I, at least, would have gas.           Michael Karasik, Novato, CA
None of the soldiers, their reddened faces wet from boutonnière squirts, their bodies covered in feathers hurled from buckets, wanted to admit the 102nd Clown Infantry Division had routed them at the Battle of Little Big Top. Brent Guernsey, Springfield, VA