Chamblee54

3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today… I told him that’s the last thing I need.
Comedians who tell one too many lightbulb jokes soon burn out.
Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives
Did you hear about the runner who was criticized? He just took it in stride
Don’t kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it’s funny, but it’s snot.
Feeling Cold? Go stand in a corner for a bit. They are usually around 90 degrees.
How do you count cows? With a cowculator!
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night… I should’ve put it on aloha setting.
I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
I hate perforated lines, they’re tearable
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
I was looking at my ceiling. Not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s up there.
If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar…. It was tense.
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
Steak puns… They’re a rare medium, well done
Tell ya my chimney joke? Got stacks of em! First one’s on the house
The sign said “Television for Sale – $10 – Volume Stuck On Full”. I can’t turn that down.
There are 10 types of people: Those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
Today’s top fact: 50% of Canada is A
Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I’m still working on it.
Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
What days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are week days.
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas? Llamanated.
What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent
Why did the blind man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.
You can’t run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it’s past tents.
You heard the rumor going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn’t spread it.
Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. Similar material may be found at @baddadjokes.