Chamblee54

What follows are selections from The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce. TDD began as a newspaper column, and was later published as The Cynic’s Word Book. TDD is in the public domain. TDD is a dictionary, going from A to Z. Today’s selection covers H to I. More selections are available. (A – D E – G ) Pictures today are from The Library of Congress.
HABIT A shackle for the free.
HAND A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm,
and commonly thrust into somebody’s pocket.
HANDKERCHIEF A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties to the sleeve.
HAPPINESS An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
HARANGUE A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harangue-outang.
HASH There is no definition for this word—nobody knows what hash is.
HATCHET A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk.
“O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a blessing,” the White Man said.
The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With imposing rites, in the White Man’s head.
HEART An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the seat of emotions and sentiments—a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid.
HEATHEN A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.
HEAVEN A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
HEBREW A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation.
HEMP A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold.
HERMIT A person whose vices and follies are not sociable.
HOMICIDE The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one or another—the classification is for advantage of lawyers.
HOSPITALITY The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge
certain persons who are not in need of food and lodging.
HOUSE A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. House of Correction, a place of reward for political and personal service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. House of God, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. House-dog, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor.
HUSBAND One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate.
HYPOCHONDRIASIS Depression of one’s own spirits.
Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the village rubbish had been shot
Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps— “Hypochondriasis.”It meant The Dumps.
IGNORAMUS A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about.
Dumble was an ignoramus, Mumble was for learning famous.
Mumble said one day to Dumble: “Ignorance should be more humble.
Not a spark have you of knowledge That was got in any college.”
Dumble said to Mumble:”Truly You’re self-satisfied unduly.
Of things in college I’m denied A knowledge—you of all beside.”
IMAGINATION A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.
IMBECILITY A kind of divine inspiration,
or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.
IMMODEST Having a strong sense of one’s own merit,
coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others.
IMPARTIAL Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.
IMPIETY Your irreverence toward my deity.
IMPOSTOR A rival aspirant to public honors.
IMPROVIDENCE Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.
INCUMBENT A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
INDIFFERENT Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things.
“You tiresome man!” cried Indolentio’s wife, “You’ve grown indifferent to all in life.”
“Indifferent?” he drawled with a slow smile; “I would be, dear, but it is not worth while.”
INDISCRETION The guilt of woman.
INEXPEDIENT Not calculated to advance one’s interests.
INFIDEL In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
in Constantinople, one who does.
INFLUENCE In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid.
INGRATE One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise an object of charity.
“All men are ingrates,” sneered the cynic.”Nay,” The good philanthropist replied;
“I did great service to a man one day Who never since has cursed me to repay, Nor vilified.”
“Ho!” cried the cynic, “lead me to him straight—With veneration I am overcome,
And fain would have his blessing.””Sad your fate—
He cannot bless you, for I grieve to state This man is dumb.”
INJURY An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight.
INK A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
INTIMACY A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
ITCH The patriotism of a Scotchman.