Chamblee54

What follows are selections from The Devil’s Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce. Many things could be said about Mr. Bierce. TDD began as a newspaper column, and was later published as The Cynic’s Word Book. TDD is in the public domain. TDD is a dictionary, going from A to Z. Today’s selection covers E – G. More selections are available. A – D Pictures today are from The Library of Congress.
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully)
the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.
ECONOMY, n.
Purchasing barrel of whiskey that you do not need for price of cow that you cannot afford.
EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad,
a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be.
It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head.
It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time in gratification from the senses.
EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death
have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example:
Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, Wise, pious, humble and all that,
Who showed us life as all should live it; Let that be said—and God forgive it!
ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man,
as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and ethnologists.
EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power,
or the consideration to be dead.
EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors.
EXCOMMUNICATION, n.
This “excommunication” is a word In speech ecclesiastical oft heard,
And means the damning, with bell, book and candle,
Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal—
A rite permitting Satan to enslave him Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.
EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon the spit
and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort.
EXISTENCE, n.
A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:
From which we’re wakened by a friendly nudge Of our bedfellow Death, and cry:”O fudge!”
FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey.
FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse’s tail on entrails of a cat.
FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one’s opinions and go over to another party.
The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus,
who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals.
FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God’s mercy to those that hate Him.
FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune.
Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
FUNERAL, n.
A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker,
and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears.
GALLOWS, n. Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows the reddest,
The noblest place for man to die— Is where he died the deadest.
GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent.
Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel.
Heed not the definitions your “Unabridged” presents, For dictionary makers are generally gents.
GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place.
GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.
GOUT, n. A physician’s name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.