Chamblee54

Why do we have 2 different puking emojis,
and not ONE that depicts “crying from cuteness overload”?
Friend 1: I got engaged! Friend 2: I got a new job!
Me: I finished a whole tube of chapstick without losing it to the washing machine
As much as I hate to say this: jumpsuits are a tool of the patriarchy to get us naked faster
Being an adult at a festival: putting Tylenol in your fanny pack instead of amphetamines
Uber Eats: “contact the restaurant” Restaurant: “contact Uber Eats”
Me: “this is exactly why my parents are divorced”
My spirit animal is a raccoon because I’m cute but love garbage,
and you probably shouldn’t let me near your loved ones
I just got all excited to bite into a chocolate chip cookie, only to discover it was oatmeal raisin,
so don’t ever say I haven’t been through shit
My biggest obstacle is that I only like salads when they’re made by other people and cost $16
The 10 Commandments of Lizzo:
1. Don’t text me, tell it straight to my face 2. We don’t fuck with lies 3. We don’t do goodbyes
4. We just keep it pushin like aye yi yi 5. If he don’t love you anymore, just walk your fine ass out the door 6. I’m always gonna hold me down 7. Look in the mirror like “damn she the one” 8. Throw it, throw it like a girl 9. Run it, run it like a girl 10. Do your thing, run the whole damn world
Other girls’ dream weddings: a flower arch, 6 foot tall centerpieces, a naked cake with edible flowers that cascade down the side in an ombré pattern
My dream wedding: it happens and the groom shows up
Im less of a gym rat and more of a gym groundhog.
I pop in once a year then decide to go back to sleep for another six weeks
last night I got drunk and read Casey Anthony’s entire Wikipedia page
Once I finally accept that the club soda in tequila soda
does not actually hydrate you, it’s over for you hoes
Once you realize highlighter is basically repackaged eyeshadow, your life can truly begin
My therapist: Why do you think you’re afraid of commitment?
Me: because if I get in a relationship, my jokes won’t be as funny.
Material from the twitter feed of @sarafcarter Editor in Chief Betches Host Not Another True Crime Podcast Fka Sgt. Olivia Betchson New York, NY. @sarafcarter inspired two poems, jumpsuits and therapist office. Material is used with permission. Pictures from The Library of Congress.