Chamblee54

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger… then it hit me ~ I’m the youngest of three, my parents are both older. ~ I used to work as a trampoline salesman, it had it’s ups and downs. ~ I want to say that joke is average, but that would be mean. ~ My 3 year old niece recently shared this one: why do chickens sit on eggs? Because they don’t have chairs. ~ When I was seven my great-grandpa told me this joke: “Hey Macaroni, I’ll bet you a dollar I can jump higher than this house!” “No way! You’re on!” Pap shakes his legs and wiggles his butt, prepping for an epic leap… then jumps all of six inches in the air. “You didn’t jump higher than the house! I win!” “Sure I did, Macaroni! Did you see the house jump?!” ~ A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says “Why the long face?” The horse replies “My alcoholism is destroying my family.” ~ What have you got when you’ve got a pair of nuts on your chest? Chestnuts What have you got when you’ve got a pair of nuts on your wall? Walnut What have you got when you’ve got a pair of nuts on your chin? You’ve got a dick in your mouth ~ You know what my grandad said to me before he kicked the bucket? How far do you think I can kick that bucket?” ~ What’s white and can’t climb trees? A fridge. ~ What’s green and fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table ~ What’s grey and can’t fly? A parking lot. ~ What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. ~ What’s red and bad for your teeth? A Brick! ~ Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a number 2 pencil! ~ A doctor wants to write something down and reaches into his coat pocket. He pulls out a rectal thermometer and exclaims, “Some asshole’s got my pencil!” ~ How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it. ~ Im really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don’t know y ~ What did the ocean say to the island? Nothing, it just waved. ~ What’s Forest Gumps password? 1Forest1 ~ What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? “Where’s my tractor” ~ What do you call a black person driving a plane? A pilot. ~ Two guys are relaxing on a dock over a lake when a turd, in the lake, floats up to the dock and says to them, “come on in, guys! The water’s great!” and floats away. One guy says to the other, “man, do you believe that shit!?” ~ Why do seagulls always stay out at sea? Because if they were in the bay they would be called bagels. ~ What’s yellow and painful when thrown at you? A bulldozer. ~ What is green and hurts when it’s poked in your eye? An alligator. ~ What’s black and hurts if you lick it? A chainsaw. ~ Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, and then a chair. ~ Most people don’t know this, but Helen Keller was quite the animal lover. Here she is with her favorite cat, Mittens. Didn’t see that coming. Neither did she. ~ I’ve heard it before, but I bet she hasn’t. ~ What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator! ~ Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute goes by ~ What do you call a sleepwalking nun? A Roamin’ Catholic ~ Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stomp out forest fires. ~ Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out burning ducks. ~ Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was a registered six offender ~ Why Don’t lobsters share? Because they’re shellfish ~ Pictures today are from The Library of Congress. ~ selah