Chamblee54

Someone in twitterland posted a link, 20 Questions to Ask New Employees. Since I might be in the job market again soon, maybe it would be easier to prepare the answers in advance. Here goes. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
01. Do you have any tattoos you regret? What/where is it? No. Having a tattoo installed has always seemed too painful to contemplate. There are tattoos that I regret seeing on other people, but that memory is safely repressed.
02. If you had to marry one serial killer from history, who would it be? (You won’t be a victim.) Another feature of twitter these days is FaithVoters4Hillary. It is obvious that any husband of hers can do whatever, and whomever, he/she pleases. As Secretary of State, Hillary has supervised the demise of countless children in Pakistan. She makes Charles Manson look like a sunday school teacher.
03. What would you do if I put a live octopus on your desk? Take it to a restaurant on Buford Hiway. There are only so many stray dogs.
04. Biggie or Tupac? I don’t use cologne. Why should I have to choose between those two brands?
05. Are you the kind of person who chit-chats in the public restroom during a tandem pee session? Only during a full moon.
06. Have you ever stolen a pen that writes exceptionally well from a restaurant? I thought it was half a set of chopsticks.
07. Do you (know) anyone who’s killed someone? If so, was it at your behest? If so, how concerned should I be about staying on your good side? This is a trick question.
08. Have you ever owned a water pick? Why? I was trying to clean the grout in the shower. That was the only thing that came close to working, and not very well.
09. What are your thoughts on cubicle farting? If I was in a cubicle that farted, I would move. This might be an issue for OSHA.
10. If you were ever in a situation where you knew you were definitely going to be cut in half, would you rather be cut length-wise or width-wise? (You’re going to die either way; this is a preference question, not a survival question.) More information is needed. Is it a laser, or a band saw? It would be a different answer for each one.
11. Do you eat fragrant foods at your desk, and if so, how important is it to you? This question makes fun of certain religions. It is not an acceptable question.
12. On a scale of 1, not at all, to 10, you’re a filthy scumbag, how much will you judge me for wearing the same dress pants two (or more) days in a row? Dress pants is an expression that does not make sense. You can wear a dress. You can wear pants. Technically you could wear pants under a dress, but why would you want to?
13. Do you have any spouses or children I should know about right now? If no, please don’t bring them up in subsequent conversation and expect me to know who you’re talking about. Only if Bill gives Hillary the divorce she needs.
14. Do you plan on getting any unconventional haircuts during your tenure here? How convincing do you expect me to be when I tell you it looks great? The opposite of con is pro. Do I get unproventional haircuts? These are installed under anesthesia. Will insurance pay for this?
15. Of all the people you’ve met so far, who would you feel the least conflicted about trampling in the event of an emergency evacuation? The cashier at WalMart who told me that pennies were not welcome as payment.
16. Do you know exactly how many moles you have on your body? If yes, is the reason dermatological or just creepy? Mole is a sauce. If I were to apply a condiment to my body, it would be mustard.
17. Are you actually qualified to do the job you were hired for? It would be silly to fill this part out before I know what job I am applying for? If the job is a full time liar, then of course I am qualified.
18. Do you participate in any uncommon hobbies? If yes, please allow me some time to prepare my reaction for that Friday when you suddenly mention you’re going to an Anime convention. I copy lists of joke questions off the internet and post answers on my blog.
19. Do you intend on stabbing me in the back/making me look bad sometime in the near future? If yes, please understand my efforts to get everyone in the office to hate you will begin immediately. If you are going to hire me, you already look bad enough.
20. For how long do you reasonably expect me to smile every time I see you around the office like you’re a tourist that doesn’t speak English? As long as necessary.