False Sense Of Freedom
“Elephants make me feel like I’m the right size,” – Newt Gingrich ~ Matt is too loud, and a bit distorted. Bill is not loud enough. This can be worked out. ~ five syllables here seven more syllables there are you happy now? ~ re: strippers, they are displaying their body parts in front of liquored up horndogs. The judgment challenged audience gives them money. I would say the objectification is mutual, with consent on both sides. (fb) ~ This helped me focus better during my meditation today. “Being mindful means that we suspend judgment for a time, set aside our immediate goals for the future, and take in the present moment as it is rather than as we would like it to be. It’s a way of shifting from doing to being so that we take in all the information that an experience offers us before we act.”-The Mindful Way Through Depression (and also impatience and restlessness) (fb) ~ AstroNuttCaseSpace:I love being kicked in the balls! I love having my penis burned with cigarettes! I love drinking piss! I live in NY and can travel or pay for your travel plus PAY you! If interested send an IM and be sure to ask about my really twisted fantasy! PICS IN PROFILE! ~ All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become. ― Siddhārtha Gautama (fb) ~ @tejucole In San Jose, Orr and Baker, and in Cleveland, Hunter, respectively, racing motorcyles, entered the everlasting brightness. (tw) ~ @tejucole Someone tossed an empty bottle from the Ulster & Delaware train. Clement, walking by the tracks, caught it with his skull. (tw) ~ @tejucole Perhaps Joseph “English Joe” Middleton, of West 20th Street, wasn’t a thief as Mrs Roe insisted. But he’s certainly a murderer now. (tw) ~ @tejucole Mary Hall died at Croton Hall. Zanza, Guista, Cona, Cali, Di Marro, and Di Marro, did it, and will take turns sitting in the electric chair. (tw) ~ @tejucole Last Thursday, $800 went missing in Harlem, as did William Murphy, in whose pocket the money was. (tw) ~ Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives. (tln) ~She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that. (tln) ~I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me (tln) ~Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2? (tln) ~Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth (tln) ~I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point (tln) ~The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka (tln) ~ “Perhaps then in the final analysis, faith, dogmatically understood, must be traded for love. Doubts are the burden that believers must carry to keep their eyes opened to the suffering of others.” ~Richard Beck, from The Authenticity of Faith: The Varieties and Illusions of Religious Experience (fb) ~ I used to tell a lot of religious jokes. Not any more…. I’m a registered sects offender. (fb) ~ Patty Liverance, Grand Rapids, MI Betsy Replogle, Nichols Hills, OK Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA Andrew Allingham, Fairfax, VA Marvin Veto, Greensboro, NC Donna P. Titus, Freeland, PA D. Drake Daggett, Omro, WI ~ Happy times. It is good to see people still fighting the good fight. It is odd to think of you as a Christian, since I found this through the comments at Renegade Evolution. ~ 1- As long as racism as seen as being a white people’s problem, it is going to get worse. 2- To have a conversation, you need to have listening. 3-The expression “People of color” needs to be abandoned. If you have to have a label for African Americans, you can do better than that. When an Indian claims the privilege to speak “as a POC”, something is very wrong. Your typical Georgia redneck has more in common with black people than an Indian. Using correct gender pronoun does not help. ~ If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution. -Emma Goldman (fb) ~ “As we open and empty ourselves, we come to experience an interconnectedness, the realization that all things are joined and conditioned in an interdependent arising. Each experience and event contains all others.” ~ Jack Kornfield, “A Path With Heart” (fb) ~ Happy False Sense of Freedom While Pretending to be Patriotic as You Burn Shyt on a Grill Before You or Your Idiot Neighbors Shoot The Tools of So-Called Freedom Up in the Air Where They Fall Back To Earth and Ends Someone Elses Freedom Day. (fb) ~ Yeah… I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I’m straight afterwards. (tln) ~I beat my mom’s friend’s boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW. (tln) ~ Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA. (tln) ~@tejucole Every life is precious. Nevertheless, a body, unidentified, was placed, by persons unknown, on the elevated track at 123rd Street. (tw) ~ @tejucole At a mill in Waterbury, a splinter from the plank Frank sawed flew into his thigh. Slowly, sadly, his story ends. (tw) ~ This six seconds just made my day. If you are not totally burned out about racial discussions, the entire discussion is of value. The sound is horrible. ~ I’m rotating out of the chairmanship at the end of the summer. It can’t be soon enough for me. Dealing with the couple of wacko colleagues in our department has been unadulterated misery. Everything lands on my desk and although I’ve read numerous books on conflict resolution, there’s just no fixing what ails these folks. ~ Were you better at spelling, I might take your arguments more seriously. ~ I have mixed feelings. When I see you, it is usually in group settings, and there is not much of a chance for one on one communication. I sometimes enjoy your commentary online, and sometimes I am annoyed by it. In any event, it is easy to ignore when I don’t like it. As for the flame wars, the truth is that a lot of these people are wounded, and are acting accordingly. Maybe they really are that mean. Just because others have hurt you, or your people, that does not give you the right to hurt others. ~ 1-I started to write about this, and quickly ran out of steam. Maybe a running list will do. Taking your own advice is dangerous. 2-If something is not fun, you should not do it, unless you have to. 3- The racism jihad has created collateral damage. 4- When I see you, it is usually in group settings, and there is not much of a chance for one on one communication. 5- I enjoy having my own corner of the innertube when the urge to share is overwhelming. 6- Andrew Sullivan, bless his heart, says the worst thing you can do to a blogger is ignore her. 7- The facebook fad is fading. 8- You might qualify as a “POC”. 9- Most top ten lists should stop at nine. ~Greetings From Mr Joe Bob. I work in bank In West Africa,Burkina faso .I have a business transaction for you. In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of $10.5 Million US Dollars .In an account that belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his entire family in car bomb in Iraq. Since his supposed next of kin died along side with him at the Bomb blast,there is nobody to claim the left over balance in the account.It is therefore upon this discovery that I and other officials in my department decided to seek your assistance and present you to the bank as his Next of kin.If you accept i would give you the guide lines of how we can achieve this transfer of the balance (10.5Million Dollars) to your account.and we will shear the money 50-50%. I expect that you will give me your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication with you and for more details. ~ I don’t have just a bad case of ennui; I have a rancid truckload. No food seems good, no book seems good, no movie, no art idea. I dressed for running this morning, got to the door, and couldn’t think of any route that seemed attractive, so I changed out of my running stuff and got back in bed and read the 1927 Sears catalog. I am listless and enervated and possibly neurasthenic and lord knows what else. (fb) ~ @historyweird c.1070: To cure impotence, Constantine suggests making pills from the brains of 30 male sparrows, fried in the kidney fat of a billy goat. (tw) ~ @historyweird 1555: Della Casa condemns those who blow their nose & look inside the handkerchief – “as if pearls or rubies have descended from the brain”. (tw) ~ @historyweird 1602: Dutch explorer Pieter de Marees notes the men of Guinea all have “a great privy member” but are afflicted with worms “in their cods”. (tw) ~@NPRdeabs: “You’re only as needy as your unmet needs”-Amir Levine #AspenIdeas So true… (tw) ~ @darrwest Seems wrong that I luxuriate at #aifestival while 800,000 in @DC have no power or AC. As sign of solidarity, I will turn off my AC. (tw) ~ @KBAndersen One reason to come to the Aspen Ideas Festival: you’re @AnneKreamer, you wear your Tory Burch dress, & @toryburch says you look great in it. (tw) ~ But I think it’s more specific attitudes that people disrespect, not the body that attitude’s coming out of. A man being inappropriately assertive may give the “bossed up” impression to some, but probably elicits a similar “what a bitch” impression as well. Similarly, an assertive woman might get the “what a bitch” response from something she says or does, but there are going to be just as many people who are sympathetic to her POV and will give her the “you go girl” encouragement we so often see. Yes, there’s sexism and racism in our society, but we’re an incredibly diverse society – so much so that neither prejudice nor support really overwhelm one another. If you go looking for support, you’ll find it. Go looking for criticism, you’ll certainly find it. Her “you have to be…everything” schpiel isn’t so much an indication of sexism as it is an indication of unrealistic expectations – which men are subjected to just as much as women. (fb) ~ These visits to alternative reality are from a variety of sources. Included are Facebook (fb), twitter (tw), Futility Closet (fc), All Aphorisms, All The Time (Aph), Texts From Last Night (tln) , and Overheard in New York (ony). Attempts to maintain a no profanity blog were suspended for this post. ~ Selah
Vocabulary Test
PG is taking the Merriam-Webster Vocabulary Quiz. “How strong is your vocabulary? Take our 10-question quiz to find out — and maybe learn some new words along the way. You can try it as often as you’d like (we have dozens of different versions).” The front page ads are from American Public University, and a company offering the opportunity to buy “The season’s HOTTEST SHOES picked by Hollywood’s HOTTEST STYLISTS!”
For each word, the instruction is to “Click the best definition of _____”. There are four words to choose from. You have ten seconds, and then you get your score. The more difficult the word, the more points you get. There is a speed bonus for answering fast. After a couple of questions, you get a sense how the game is played, and get better as you go along.
1. Click the best definition of Conjure: Summon ~ Warn ~ Lose ~ Approve
Correct: 300 Points! ~ Difficulty: Medium ~ Speed Bonus: 100
The next four words were: 2- Autonomy, 3- Cajole, 4- Apprehensive, 5- Repartee. PG got the first five correct with little thought. Number six, Adventitious, was a word PG had never seen before. With one second left, he took a guess, and got the correct answer.
Seven was the one word PG got wrong. The word was Facilitate. The choices were play, confuse, ease, manage. PG was thinking of facilitator, who is the leader of a group. With this in mind, he chose manage. The correct answer was ease.
The last three words : 8- Apparent, 9- Beguile, 10- Appeal. PG got all three correct. The final score was 3040. The “average” score was 2480 for the general population, and 2770 for “fifty somethings”. (Teens: 1830, 20-somethings: 2260, 30-somethings: 2470, 40-somethings: 2630, 50-somethings: 2770, 60-somethings: 2880, 70 and above: 2760)
Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”. The video was gleaned from a comment on a story at Thought Catalog, 10 Simple Ways To Avoid Getting Laid. The comment was : 11- Be in this video.
Jonathan Krohn
In 2009, a conservative convention had a three minute speech from a 13 year old. The speech, embedded above, became a sensation. The speaker, Jonathan Krohn, produced a book, Defining Conservatism: The Principles That Will Bring Our Country Back. While enjoying his fifteen minutes, Mr. Krohn was photographed with a wingnut whos who.
The CPAC speech said that many people don’t understand what conservatism means. To Mr. Krohn, it centered on four things: respect for constitution, respect for life, less government, and personal responsibility. The conservative tribe leads the cheering for undeclared wars, that are fought eight time zones away. These procedures kill women and children, and are paid for with tax cuts. That takes care of all four pillars of conservatism. Maybe a thirteen year old can believe that, but the older people don’t have an excuse.
It is 2012 now. Jonathan Krohn has let his hair grow out, and is fixing to go to NYU. Politico told folks yesterday that the young man is different now. He now supports gay marriage and the ACA, among other things. The Daily Caller is having a grand hissy fit, like a kid who just found out that Santa Claus does not exist. These are the same people who think a former actor was a great president. The Daily Caller writer needs to adjust his meds.
“Holy fucking shit,” exclaimed an attendee at the 2009 CPAC conference when told about Krohn’s political conversion and planned postmodern satire in an interview with TheDC. “The kid was most annoying 13-year-old I have ever met,” said the attendee, who spoke with Krohn before his speech and talked with TheDC on the condition of anonymity because of concerns about retribution from superiors. “He was a braggart. He said something like, ‘Maybe when this is over you can watch me on ‘Hannity’ later tonight.’”
Krohn’s mother, Marla Krohn, an aspiring actress and middle-school drama teacher, has faced similar criticism. On Amazon.com, where Krohn’s self-published book “Defining Conservatism” still sells, numerous reviewers blamed her for allegedly coaching her son and using him for publicity.
The New York Times ran a profile of the Krohns in 2010 — when Jonathan was still conservative — that included numerous details about Marla’s involvement in her son’s life, including her refusal to let him own a cellphone and her insistence on barking at him while he was being interviewed by local news stations. “Krohn was smug, condescending, and obviously completely ignorant of what he was saying,” the attendee said. “When I spoke with him, I got the impression he was merely repackaging what someone else had told him. He was smart, but almost Stepford Wife-like in how it seemed like he was being used. It was creepy. … He kept talking about the book he had written and how many radio shows he had been on.” After a pause, the source added: “To be clear, the fact that he was being used did not make the kid any less of a douche.”
Fishwrapper writer Jim Galloway went to the Krohn home in Duluth to talk to Mr. Krohn. His mother left the room while the two men sat at the kitchen table. “At least one thing about Jonathan remains constant. He remains an accomplished talker. Having a conversation with him is something like exchanging views with an opened fire hydrant. The words come out not in a stream, but a torrent of consciousness.”
There is a lively twitter discussion about Mr. Krohn. (His twitter account is spelled the same, without the underscore. Web addresses are so unimaginative.) (Mr Krohn is skirmishing with Caiden Cowger, a 14 year old conservative internet radio talk show host from West Virginia.)
Here are a few of the top tweets.
@AmandaMarcotte Straight white male privilege refusing to go out without a fight looks…..yeah.
@dpleasant Dear Cons: When a 17-yr-old is your enemy & the focus of your hate, there’s not much else we need to know about you.
@joshgreenman If you’re not a conservative at 13 you have no brain; if you’re not a liberal at 17 you have no heart.
@ObsoleteDogma Roberts is lucky Jonathan Krohn is taking the heat off him as the biggest conservative defector.
@owillis there’s no netroots jonathan krohn because nobody at netroots nation put up 13 year old parroting talking points as insightful like cpac did
@AbeGreenwald If you closely follow Jonathan Krohn’s work you see this is not a shift but an extension of the Krohnist dialectic-NeoKrohnism, if you will
@JonathanLKrohn @ClumsyShaver OK. I’m just saying what @caidencowger said was really offensive and intolerant, not just mean.
@beardedstoner No wonder why conservatives are so mad at @JonathanLKrohn. He’s got their embarrassing photos.
@caidencowger @JasonGarshfield I was friends with them, but when they discovered that I was a Christian and that I was against their lifestyle, they left.
@chrisswartout @ClumsyShaver @JonathanLKrohn @caidencowger Don’t you kids have a bed time? Where are your parents???!
Pictures today are from The Library of Congress.
UPDATE @JonathanLKrohn @chamblee54 I didn’t have a skirmish with that Cowger kid. I just told him I didn’t want to be on his show ’cause he’s offensive…:p
Conspiracy Double Feature
This is a repost of a previously published effort. This is a work of speculation, and has no basis in proven fact. The thesis of this post cannot be proved nor disproved.
Pictures are from The Library of Congress. These images are from the Crimean War, the first war to be photographed. It was the conflict that gave us “The charge of the light brigade”, with the line “ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do or die”. Or often, to do and die. Thousands of men died in the Crimean War, and not one person today can tell you why.
Listening to talk radio while you drive is a dangerous activity. You might start to think, and look at the man behind the screen. Neal Boortz (spell check suggestions:Boor, Booster, Boozer) was on a rant today about Jane Fonda. It it the same story you have heard many times…she gave aid and comfort to the enemy, she is a traitor, American troops died because of her,she should have been executed.
Sometimes when you hear something too many times, you begin to have doubts about what you heard. A light bulb went off in PG’s head when he heard the Fonda Rant again.. .What if Jane Fonda was working for the US government when she went to Hanoi?
What was in it for the government? This trip gave our government a discredited leader of the antiwar movement to denounce. When the government was trashing Jane Fonda, they did not have to defend the disastrous policies of that war.
Miss Fonda has been an icon of right wing hatred ever since, as well as of military training. One story has Miss Fonda giving the North Vietnamese information about activities by American forces. How would she get this information?
The infamous trip to Hanoi took place in the Summer of 1972. American troops were being withdrawn, and anti war protests lost most of their passion. ( It was also soon after the death of F.B.I. Director J. Edgar Hoover, and the Watergate burglary) The war in Vietnam was essentially over for America. We were no longer trying to win, but to negotiate a face saving treaty. President Nixon called it “Peace with Honor”. Miss Fonda’s actions had little impact on these negotiations.
Miss Fonda made some radio broadcasts from Hanoi. Is it possible that coded messages to our troops were included in these broadcasts? Is it also possible that she gave the North Vietnamese misinformation on purpose?
Why would a women known for her left wing activism do such a thing? Maybe, the FBI had some dirt on her, and blackmailed her.
In 1967, Kurt Vonnegut published a book titled “Mother Night”. It tells the story of Howard W. Campbell Jr. Mr. Campbell made propaganda broadcasts for Germany in World War II, which were secretly used to pass coded messages to the Allies. He was condemned as a traitor after the war, but never prosecuted. He did not win an Academy Award.
The role of the government in this affair could have taken another role. Perhaps Miss Fonda was sincere in her actions, but aided by the government. Miss Fonda was under surveillance in 1972. The government would have known about her plans to go to North Vietnam, and perhaps could have stopped her. But, because her going to Hanoi was to their advantage, the government allowed the trip to take place.
The above is speculation, and could be horribly wrong. The fact that Miss Fonda has expressed regrets over her trip neither proves nor disproves this. She got great movie roles, and won two Academy Awards, during the seventies. This may be a coincidence, or maybe it was a reward for her service.
Clearly, the trip she made to Hanoi had propaganda value to the US government. It has been a Godsend over the years. You should always consider who benefits from an action.
During his rant today, Mr. Boortz said that US troops died because of Miss Fonda. (He does not discuss the man who went to Nam in his place, after his draft deferment.) By saying this, he can ignore the tens of thousands of troops who died because Richard Nixon chose to wait until 1973 to sign a “peace treaty”. He could have made the same deal in 1969. Peace with honor indeed.
This is a repost, through and through. Pictures are from The Library of Congress
A few days ago, the possibility that the government allowed Jane Fonda to go to Hanoi was discussed. Ms. Fonda’s trip to North Vietnam had numerous propaganda/p.r. advantages to the American government. Direct government sponsorship cannot be ruled out. Another scenario would have the government knowing about the trip, having the ability to stop the trip, but allowing it to happen. For the purposes of today’s discussion, we will call this the “Hoover Option”(HO). It is named for John Edgar Hoover, the publicity savvy director of the FBI until his death in 1972.
HO is a favorite of conspiracy theorists. It is difficult to prove or disprove, and explains a lot of things.
Another conspiracy rich event is the shooting of John Kennedy on November 22, 1963. The various hypotheses on this event are well known. Numerous people wanted JFK to retire…gangsters, teamsters, Republicans, Lyndon Johnson, Vietnamese… to the point to where it is tough to sort out all the possible candidates. The thinking goes here, that J. Edgar Hoover knew of the plot to kill JFK, could have stopped it, but chose to allow it to happen. Even conspiracy skeptics think this is plausible.
The concept of Lee Harvey Oswald working alone does not eliminate the possibility of HO. Here was a sketchy character, known to have traveled to the Soviet Union, and favor “fair play for Cuba”. He worked in a building on the parade route. As much as the FBI knew…especially about those with Soviet connections…is it possible that Mr. Hoover knew what Mr. Oswald was going to do that Friday? And decided to allow him to go through with it. And why did Jackie choose that photogenic pink outfit?
A few years later, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was murdered in Memphis, TN. Mr. Hoover had a well known hatred of Dr. King. How did a sketchy character get a room, within gunshot range of the hotel Dr. King stayed in? How did he know when Dr. King would be stepping on the balcony? Did Mr. Hoover know all of this, and still allow the shooting to take place? Why was Jesse Jackson there?
J. Edgar Hoover died on May 2, 1972. This was 13 days before Arthur Bremer shot George Wallace, six weeks before the Watergate burglary, and eight weeks before Jane Fonda went to Hanoi. Mr. Hoover died at the height of the Nixon administrations “dirty tricks”, just a few weeks before they got caught. No doubt, Mr. Hoover knew what Tricky Dick was up to.
HO has probably been in existence throughout history. Most leaders have blood on their hands, and it is always better to get someone else to do the dirty work.
Pearl Harbor has long been the object of this speculation. There is little doubt that Mr. Roosevelt wanted the United States to join the war, but was having a tough time with an isolationist public. After the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor, Mr. Roosevelt got what he wanted. It has long been speculated that he knew in advance about the attack, and let it go down. There were obvious advantages to him.
Which brings us to the Pearl Harbor of the modern era, 911. The attacks that day were a political jackpot for George W. Bush. He was able to ram many restrictions on civil liberties through congress, and begin a war in Iraq, that had clearly been planned for some time. Did our government know about plans for the 911 attacks, and quietly let them happen?
Health Reform Quiz
There was a buzz on facebook about the Health Reform Quiz. PG saw an opportunity to write some text to go between the pictures, and take a few cheap shots at the medical industrial complex. These shots will be the only thing that is cheap. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
The quiz is presented by the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. They claim “The Kaiser Family Foundation is not associated with Kaiser Permanente or Kaiser Industries.” Of course, wikipedia says that Kaiser Permanente was founded by Henry J. Kaiser. Maybe it is a different one.
The quiz is ten questions, all of whom start with “will the health reform law”. They concern the Affordable Care Act, aka health reform law, aka Obamacare. There are three possible answers to each question … No, the law will not do this, Yes, the law will do this, Don’t know. As internet quizzes go, it is a model of simplicity. The questions are:
1. Will the health reform law require nearly all Americans to have health insurance starting in 2014 or else pay a fine?
2. Will the health reform law allow a government panel to make decisions about end-of-life care for people on Medicare?
3. Will the health reform law cut benefits that were previously provided to all people on Medicare?
4. Will the health reform law expand the existing Medicaid program to cover low-income, uninsured adults regardless of whether they have children?
5. Will the health reform law provide financial help to low and moderate income Americans who don’t get insurance through their jobs to help them purchase coverage?
6. Will the health reform law prohibit insurance companies from denying coverage because of a person’s medical history or health condition?
7. Will the health reform law require all businesses, even the smallest ones, to provide health insurance for their employees?
8. Will the health reform law provide tax credits to small businesses that offer health insurance coverage to their employees?
9. Will the health reform law create a new government run health insurance plan to be offered along with private plans?
10. Will the health reform law allow undocumented immigrants to receive financial help from the government to buy health insurance?
PG got 9 questions correct. This is better than 97% of Americans. (Make that a chocolate chip cookie.) The only question he missed was four. Yes is the correct answer for number four.
Like most Americans who get their health insurance through employers, PG has been insured by a wide variety of companies. Kaiser Permanente had a turn, and was fairly pleasant to deal with. The problem was a co-worker that got cancer, and cost Kaiser a lot of money. After he went to the outstanding value in the sky, Kaiser told redo blue to find another health care provider.
A few years later, PG got laid off, and was looking for health insurance. He gave an honest answer to the wrong question, and was told he could not buy a policy from Kaiser. Whether this was the real reason, or a handy excuse for not insuraning an older man, is between G-d and the Kaiser computers.
How Many Patriots Does It Take To Change A Lightbulb?
What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved!
What’s red, white, black and blue? Uncle Sam falling down the steps!
What would you get if you crossed Washington’s home with nasty insects? Mt. Vermin!
What did a patriot put on his dry skin? Revo-lotion!
Which colonists told the most jokes? Punsylvanians!
What was General Washington’s favourite tree? The infantry!
Where did George Washington buy his hatchet? At the chopping mall!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country? Beneduck Arnold!
Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell? Yeah, it cracked me up!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog? Yankee Poodle!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington? The horse was too heavy to carry!
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act? The Americans licked the British!
This waste of bandwidth is a repost.
The credit, or blame, for the jokes goes to JokesFunny.com.
Pictures are from the “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”.
The American Flag As An Advertising Gimmick
PG was riding his bike on Skyland Drive Sunday, and saw a new flag in almost every front yard. The flags were put there by a realtor, advertising her services. Two of the flags had fallen down, and one was in the street. This is not respect for the flag.
The flags were an advertising gimmick. The odds are that most of them will not be treated with respect. Many will be thrown away. The proper way to dispose of a tattered flag is by burning. These flags are plastic, and would realease toxic chemicals into the air if burned.
PG sent an email to the realtor. This message is copied below. Pictures are from “The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”
On a recent visit to Skyland Drive, it was noted that you were distributing American Flags as an advertising gimmick. Two of these flags had fallen to the ground, and one was in the street. It is likely that many of these flags will not be appreciated, and treated with respect, by their new owners.
The U.S. Flag Code has explicit regulations for the use of the American Flag. Several of these apply to your distribution of the flag.
It is the universal custom to display the flag only from sunrise to sunset on buildings and on stationary flagstaffs in the open. However, when a patriotic effect is desired, the flag may be displayed twenty-four hours a day if properly illuminated during the hours of darkness.
No disrespect should be shown to the flag of the United States of America; the flag should not be dipped to any person or thing. Regimental colors, State flags, and organization or institutional flags are to be dipped as a mark of honor.
The flag should never touch anything beneath it, such as the ground, the floor, water, or merchandise. The flag should never be fastened, displayed, used, or stored in such a manner as to permit it to be easily torn, soiled, or damaged in any way. The flag should never be used as a receptacle for receiving, holding, carrying, or delivering anything.
The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever. It should not be embroidered on such articles as cushions or handkerchiefs and the like, printed or otherwise impressed on paper napkins or boxes or anything that is designed for temporary use and discard. Advertising signs should not be fastened to a staff or halyard from which the flag is flown.
No part of the flag should ever be used as a costume or athletic uniform. However, a flag patch may be affixed to the uniform of military personnel, firemen, policemen, and members of patriotic organizations. The flag represents a living country and is itself considered a living thing. Therefore, the lapel flag pin being a replica, should be worn on the left lapel near the heart.
The flag, when it is in such condition that it is no longer a fitting emblem for display, should be destroyed in a dignified way, preferably by burning.
Patriotism For Skeptics
This is a double repost from this time four years ago. They were originally posted in a red, white, and blue font. This is one mistake which will not be repeated, at least not today.
Both features are on the theme of patriotism for skeptics. America has given me a good life, and I appreciate this. The problem is crooks and liars who make patriotic noise while robbing you blind. They think that waving the flag will distract you from their thievery, and often they are right.
These features were originally posted forty eight months ago. A few things have happened in that time. The economy has gone from bad to horrific. Lots of carbon dioxide has been pumped into the atmosphere, which may not affect us for a while, but probably will. The Gulf of Mexico has been poisoned. Israel killed women and children in Gaza, and is threatening to do the same in Iran. Meanwhile, Iran had a crooked election, and the people fought back. This is similar to what is going on in Egypt, Tunisia, Libya, and Syria.
The US dollar, with all its problems, is still the preferred currency of the world. There was speculation a while back that the Euro would replace the dollar in this role. The Euro is in worse shape than the dollar these days. All is not hopeless.
The U S of A elected a dark skinned man POTUS. Many said that race relations would be different, but that has not worked out very well. The combat troops were withdrawn from Iraq, but Babylon is still in a world of hurt. The new POTUS discovered the wonders of robomurder eight time zones away, and has wasted many women and children. Nuclear armed Pakistan gets more edgy every day. Maybe the best thing to do is live in the past, and enjoy some repeat posts. Pictures are from The Library of Congress. These images are Union Soldiers from the War Between The States.
The following is a repost . It was originally published in a red, white, and blue font. As a service to the readers, today’s posting will be in green. Yellowdoggrannie is going strong, and has not forgiven W.
I read an item at yellowdoggrannie’s place this morning. It was a link to a video about the writing of the Star Spangled Banner. YDG said it made her cry. It set off my BS detector. I am not a history buff. I do know that the War of 1812 was not the most glorious part of American History.
In 1812, Napoleon was on a rampage, but about to screw up. He invaded Russia on June 24, just six days after the U.S. Congress gave approval to “Mr. Madison’s War”. According to St. Wikipedia, the declaration passed by the smallest margin of any war declaration in American History.
The War was caused by several things. The British were “impressing” sailors for duty in their Navy. Among the deserters and British subjects were some Americans. The British were supporting the Native Americans who were fighting the white man. There was also some talk ( in Washington) about annexing territory in Canada, either to keep, or to use as a bargaining chip with the British.
On the East side of the Atlantic, England had a change of government at this time, towards a regime that wanted peace with America. This being the early nineteenth century, word of this development did not make it to America in time to stop the War.
The War went on for a couple of years. It distracted the British from fighting Napoleon, and was a strain on the young American republic. In the Summer of 1814, negotiations were underway to end the conflict. The British launched a few military campaigns to put pressure on the U.S.A. Washington D.C. was captured and burned. The next move was the capture of Baltimore.
This is where the video begins its tale. Where the video said hundreds of British ships, Wikipedia says 19. An attorney, Francis Scott Key, was negotiating the release of an American POW. He secured his release, but they could not leave until the bombardment of Fort McHenry was complete.Here is an account of the story:At Fort McHenry, some 1,000 soldiers under the command of Major George Armistead awaited the British naval bombardment…. The attack began in the evening of September 13, as the British fleet of some nineteen ships began pounding the fort with Congreve rockets (from rocket vessel HMS Erebus) and mortar shells (from bomb vessels HMS Terror, HMS Volcano, HMS Meteor, HMS Devastation, and HMS Aetna). After an initial exchange of fire, the British fleet withdrew to just beyond the range of Fort McHenry’s cannons and continued to bombard the American redoubts for the next 25 hours.Although 1,500 to 1,800 cannonballs were launched at the fort, damage was minimal.
After nightfall, Cochrane ordered a landing to be made by medium boats to the shore just west of the fort, away from the harbor opening on which the fort’s defense was concentrated….Operating in darkness and in foul weather, the diversionary attack failed. On the morning of September 14, the 30 ft (9.1 m) × 42 ft oversized American flag, which had been made a few months before by local flagmaker Mary Pickersgill and her 13 year old daughter, flew over Fort McHenry, and Cochrane and Brooke knew that victory had eluded them
Mr. Key saw the flag the next day. He wrote a poem to the tune of a British drinking song, “To Anacreon in Heaven”. The song was made the National Anthem in 1931, and has been (badly) sung ever since. Two extra words, “Play Ball”, were added later.
On September 24, the Treaty of Ghent ended the conflict. The verdict was “status quo ante bellum”. In other words, nothing was changed by the death of those men. The war was, in effect, over when the Battle of Baltimore was fought. The word of the treaty did not reach America for a few weeks. (The Battle of New Orleans was fought after the end of the War.)
The video said the Flag at Fort McHenry was held up through the night by men, many of whom died. This might be true. It is also true that the negotiations were about to yield fruit. It would take a few weeks for word of the Battle of Baltimore to reach Europe, at which point the War was already over. Status Quo Ante Bellum.
Patriotism is one of the games that almost everyone plays. The rules seem to vary.
In 1967, JSM was flying planes in Nam, I was in the eighth grade, and BHO was in the first grade. He was in Hawaii, which might have been where JSM went for R&R if Hanoi did not have other ideas. America was about to hit a turning point about the Vietnam War. At first people were supportive, albeit without much enthusiasm. Opposition started to arise, and was frequently confused with treason. As the war dragged on, the homefront began to see things differently.
To this reporter, many of the patriots of 1967 were the ones who opposed the war. The conflict in Indochina was to cause many problems for the United States. Eventually, Richard Nixon got a fig leaf treaty that he called Peace with Honor. The early opposition was heard, but not after losing more than fifty eight thousand fine men.
That is the first way to be a patriot…to keep an eye on the government, and speak out in opposition when it is needed. Another way is to keep the United States strong and healthy. One way to do this is work hard and pay taxes. Now, the conservative windbags whine loudly about paying taxes. They want to pay for the current war by cutting taxes to make the economy grow. If we had no taxes at all the economy would grow even more.
The war in Babylon was an experiment in war without sacrifice. There was a tax cut when it was apparent we were planning an invasion. The national debt has gone out of control, and the federal reserve bank has cut the interest rates. The result is that the dollar is not worth as much as it once was. The oil market is based on the dollar. Oil is just as valuable as ever. The dollar is not, and it takes more dollars to buy a barrel of oil. This is an important factor in the rise of gas prices.
The way to keep America strong is to follow the three basic rules of the workplace: show up, stay awake, don’t kill anyone The citizens of the United States are a remarkable group of people. One way to be a patriot is to show respect for these people, and for yourself.
Another way to help America is to quit consuming so much. If we drove smarter, we would not need as much gasoline. We would not be so big if we didn’t eat as much. Maybe you can put a sweater on in the winter instead of turning up the thermostat. We are heading in this direction, but have a way to go.
Much of what you hear and read is not true. The so called conservatives are just as guilty as the so called mainstream media. Think for yourself. The freedom to think is a part of America that you are sometimes discouraged from exercising, but it is important.
This is a dangerous world, and we have a military to keep them away from our borders. We are also involved in a tough war of our own choosing. It is to be hoped that our next President will find an acceptable conclusion to this conflict.
Meanwhile, this is the fourth of july. It is a day to enjoy the good life we have here. America is a fine country. It has given me a good life. While I am not blind to the problems, there is no where else I would rather be.
Instant Gratification Through Bad Writing
If bad writing does not make you smile, what is the point? PG thought that the The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest was fun, and that another post of the participants would be festive. This was before he copied the 2011 “winners”, and started to edit. Yes, a few were enjoyable, but after a while they were, mostly just dumb. While stupid does have a place in the world, it is asking a lot to expect someone to read through 3000 words of bad writing.
The plan was to go through the pile, and mark the ones that made the cut. When the first runner up was disposed of, PG wondered if there was going to be enough bad writing to compile a respectable post. The category winners turned out to have little meaning. Despair was setting in, when the winner of the Romance category appeared.
As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand – who would take her away from all this – and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had. Ali Kawashima, Greensboro, NC
Anyone from Georgia was to be admitted, but none were present. North Carolina had an abundance of awful, and somebody from Seattle was a repeat offender. Geography may or may not influence bad writing. On the next go round of editing, names of the offenders will be reviewed. It has been noted how many people in obituaries have funny names. Will this hold true for people whose writing makes you wish they were dead?
Here is the honor roll, of bad writers with funny names. Patty Liverance, Grand Rapids, MI, Betsy Replogle, Nichols Hills, OK, Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA, Andrew Allingham, Fairfax, VA, Marvin Veto, Greensboro, NC, Donna P. Titus, Freeland, PA, Mark Wisnewski, Flanders, NJ, D. Drake Daggett, Omro, WI. Now, without any further ado, here are the chosen samples. Pictures are from The Library of Congress.
Winner Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.
Sue Fondrie,Oshkosh, WI
From the limbs of ancient live oaks moccasins hung like fat black sausages – which are sometimes called boudin noir, black pudding or blood pudding, though why anyone would refer to a sausage as pudding is hard to understand and it is even more difficult to divine why a person would knowingly eat something made from dried blood in the first place – but be that as it may, our tale is of voodoo and foul murder, not disgusting food. Jack Barry, Shelby, NC
Wearily approaching the murder scene of Jeannie and Quentin Rose and needing to determine if this was the handiwork of the Scented Strangler – who had a twisted affinity for spraying his victims with his signature raspberry cologne – or that of a copycat, burnt-out insomniac detective Sonny Kirkland was sure of one thing: he’d have to stop and smell the Roses.
Mark Wisnewski, Flanders, NJ
The victim was a short man, with a face full of contradictions: amalgam, composite, dental porcelain, with both precious and non-precious metals all competing for space in a mouth that was open, bloody, terrifying, gaping, exposing a clean set of asymptomatic impacted wisdom teeth, but clearly the object of some very comprehensive dental care, thought Dirk Graply, world-famous womanizer, tough guy, detective, and former dentist. Terri Daniel, Seattle, WA
The executioner sneered as the young queen ascended the stairs to the guillotine; in the old days, he thought, at least there was some buildup, a little time on the rack or some disemboweling, but nowadays everyone wants instant gratification. Andrea Rossi, Wilmington, NC
LaTrina – knowing he must live – let her hot, wet tongue slide slowly over Gladiator’s injured ear, the taste reminding her of the late June flavor of a snow chain that had been removed from a tire and left to rust on the garage floor without being rinsed off. Betsy Replogle, Nichols Hills, OK
Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks. Patty Liverance, Grand Rapids, MI
Deep into that particular wet Saturday night ugly blues screamed out from the old man’s horn like a hooker being hauled down a flight of stairs, regular thick loud thumps punctuated by nasty and erratic sharp barks. John Benson, Carthage, MO
She held my hand as if she were having a swollen barrel of fun which was off considering that my teeth were sitting on my bathroom cabinet (eight miles away, no less) and my elbow was peeling like a soggy coconut, the fine hairs of which were standing on edge in fear, as if the coconut had been reading “Dracula.” James Hearn, Canterbury, Kent, U.K.
As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand – who would take her away from all this – and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had. Ali Kawashima, Greensboro, NC
Deanna waited for him in a deliberate pose on the sailor-striped chaise lounge of the newly-remodeled Ramada, her bustier revealing the tops of her white breasts like eggs – eggs of the slightly undercooked, hard-boiled variety, showing a nascent jiggle with her apprehensive breath, eggs that were then peeled ever-so-carefully so as not to pierce the jellied, opaque albumen and unleash the longing, viscous yolk within – yes, she lay there, oblong and waiting to be deviled.
Meredith K. Gray, Ithaca, NY
They called her The Cat, because she made love the way she fought, rolling rapidly across the floor in a big, blurry ball of shrieking hair, fury, and dander, which usually solicited a “Shut up!” and flung shoe from one of the neighbors, and left her exhilarated lover with serious patchy bald spots and the occasional nicked ear. Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA
She gazed smolderingly at the mysterious rider, his body cloaked in enough shining black leather to outfit an Italian furniture store, wrapped so tightly each muscle stood out like a flamboyant Mexican hairdresser at an Alabamian monster truck rally; and he met her gaze with an intensity that couldn’t have been matched by even a starving junkyard dog in the meat aisle of a suburban supermarket. Chris Kemp, Annapolis, MD
Morgan “Bamboo” Barnes, Star Pilot of the Galaxia (flagship of the Solar Brigade), accepted an hors d’oeuvre from the triangular-shaped platter offered to him from the Princess Qwillia – lavender-skinned she was and busty, with two of her four eyes what Barnes called “bedroom eyes” – and marveled at how on her planet, Chlamydia-5, these snacks were called “Hi-Dee-Hoes” but on Earth they were simply called Ritz Crackers with Velveeta. Greg Homer, Placerville, CA
Sterben counted calcium bars in the storage chamber, wondering why women back on Earth paid him little attention, but up here they seem to adore him, in fact, six fraichemaidens had already shown him their blinka. Elizabeth Muenster, Columbia, PA
Within the smoking ruins of Keister Castle, Princess Gwendolyn stared in horror at the limp form of the loyal Centaur who died defending her very honor; “You may force me to wed,” she cried at the leering and victorious Goblin King, “but you’ll never be half the man he was.”Terri Daniel, Seattle, WA
Monroe Mills’ innovative new fabric-dyeing technique was a huge improvement over stone-washing: denim apparel was soaked in color and cured in an 800-degree oven, and the company’s valued young dye department supervisor was as skilled as they came; yes, no one could say Marilyn was a normal jean baker. Marvin Veto, Greensboro, NC
Milton’s quest for the love of Ms. Bradley was a risk but no sorry trivial pursuit, yet he hadn’t a clue why she had a monopoly on his heart’s desires – in fact, it boggled his mind and caused him great aggravation because, in his checkered and troubled careers, he had always scrabbled hard and it drove him bonkers that she considered life just a game. Linda Boatright, Omaha, NE
The laser-blue eyes of the lone horseman tracked the slowly lengthening lariat of a Laredo dawn as it snaked its way through Dead Man’s Pass into the valley below and snared the still sleeping town’s tiny church steeple in a noose of light with the oh-so-familiar glow of a Dodge City virgin’s last maiden blush. Graham Thomas, St. Albans, Hertfordshire, U.K
Sunburned and lost, Jake tightened the noose around Randy’s diaper-white neck and growled, “Any last words, varmint?” to which Randy replied, “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb, Jake – that’s where all the fruit is!” which marked the first and last time Jake and the boys hired a life coach to lead one of their cattle drives. Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA
Business was kinda slow at the “If You Build It” sperm bank.
Simon Petrie, Hawker ACT, AUSTRALIA
No one walked down Bleak Street at night – not where hobgoblins hobnobbed, skeletons skulked, vampires vamped, and the dumpster behind the Chinese buffet smelled like zombies.
Bill Hartmann, Dallas, TX
The beast lumbered toward the maiden, its fetid breath announcing its presence to her (since she couldn’t see him due to the blindfold her captors had tied around her head), its jaws gaping open like a sub sandwich with too much meat, so that no matter how hard you try, you can’t possibly keep the lettuce or the tomatoes from squeezing out onto the table or, worse, your lap.
Donna P. Titus, Freeland, PA
All the signs, both actual and imagined, made it immensely clear there was trouble ahead for Marlene and, yet, her childlike sense of hope that maybe he was “the one” kept her foot on the accelerator pedal of life even when she came to the “bridge out” warning handwritten in Magic Marker on Myron’s Polident cup. Karen Arutunoff, Tulsa, OK
Maggie said they were birthmarks and they very well could be, but the three very small black moles in a horizontal line just above her right eyebrow looked like an ellipsis to some, but to others who did not know what an ellipsis was, they looked like three very small black moles in a horizontal line just above Maggie’s right eyebrow. Betty Jean Murray, Richland, TX
As she downed the last Dixie cup of Listerine and let every drop of its 21.6 percent alcohol content hit her like an icy mint anti-cavity brickbat, Karen squinted at the breasts dangling like two electrocuted ospreys from the powerline of her heart and, with a despondency born of a thousand nights spent gaining a decent skill level at internet mahjong, wondered how she and they had all three sunk so low. Anna Springfield, Raleigh, NC
Her flaming red hair whipped in the wind like a campfire, stroking the embers of passion hidden within the hearth of my heart and I began to burn with a desire that seared me to my very core – oh the things that I would do if only I weren’t incarcerated for arson!
Aubrey Johnson, Edmonton, AB, Canada
Carmela’s knees buckled and she (a responsible consumer) collapsed down onto the sidewalk, as her environmentally green grocery bag bounced – spewing forth organic mixed lettuces, crispy eco-friendly cucumbers, juicy natural cherry tomatoes, home-grown herbs – while in perfect synchronization, a recyclable plastic bottle burst open, spraying droplets of Lite-Italian dressing upon the freshly tossed salad. Margie Parker, Weeki Wachee, FL
After five years as a freelance writer, Greg finally managed to double his income, letting him add a processed cheese product slice to the baloney sandwiches he had for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Lawrence Person, Austin, TX
They kissed with the fury and suction of a dart that was shot onto the back of the bus driver’s fat bald head by the red-headed kid that was too big for his age (the rumor was he was “held back”) and everyone knew was going to end up in prison, or perhaps a prop comic if he straightened out in time. D. Drake Daggett, Omro, WI
Urgh the howler monkey was sort of the leader of his troop, though not old enough to be a silverback and not having fathered more than a couple of sons, but he did know where the good berries were and how to avoid the leopards, anacondas, and especially the hairless apes, the ones who crashed through the forest only to stand behind a tree and breathe noisily, and watch them and sometimes leave bunches of those disgusting bananas. David S. Nelson, Falls Church, VA
July 2
By the time this is posted, it will be July 2. In non leap years, July 2 is the middle of the year, with 182 days before and after. In Leap years, it is day 184, which is the second day of the second half.Many things have happened on this day.
In 1776, the Continental Congress voted to declare Independence from Great Britain. Many feel that this is the true birthday of the United States. Of course, the tradition is to celebrate on the fourth, and tradition usually wins out over facts. In a reversal from the Independence theme, in 1962, the first Wal Mart opened in Rogers, Arkansas. An actor bought a sweater.
Taking the freedom theme a step further, in 1839, fifty three rebelling African slaves, led by Joseph Cinque, took over the slave ship Amistad. In 1964, President Lyndon Baines Johnson signed the Civil Rights Actinto law.
Most days have famous people born on them. In 18th century Germany, Christoph Willibald Gluck (1714) and Friedrich Gottlieb Klopstock (1724) caught a ride with the stork. On July 2, 1877, Hermann Hesse entered the earth. 1929 saw a barefoot Imelda Marcos. In 1932, Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas was born. Richard Petty followed in 1937, Jose Canseco in 1964, and Lindsay Lohan in 1986.
How many dates feature the death of an actor who played a Funeral home employee? Fred Gwynne , who played Herman Munster, left the planet on July 2, 1993. Other performers to exit stage right include Betty Grable (1973), Lee Remick (1991), Jimmy Stewart(1997), and Beverly Sills (2007). Other famous people who didn’t see July third include Nostradamus (1566), Ernest Hemingway (1961) and Vladimir Nabokov (1977).
Death was involved in some historic events on July 2. In 1863, this was the second day of the Battle of Gettysburg. This battle is considered the turning point of the War Between the States. In 1881, President James Garfield was fatally wounded by Charles Guiteau. The cartoon cat did not have a comment. 1934 saw the Night of the Long Knives. Ernst Rohm met his maker.
Many thanks to Wikipedia for the information in this repost.
The Worst Sentence Of The Year
This is not about George Zimmerman. His case has not been tried yet. No matter what the outcome, many angry people will not be happy. In this post, the worst sentence is the “winner” of a contest sponsored by a University English department. It is about a prose unit, with a noun, a verb, and assorted other implements of linguistic horror. If you are getting scared, it is ok to skip over the text and look at the pictures.
PG was trolling the archives, trying to copy and paste his way out of writer’s block. He settled on some text, which will probably be posted before July 4th. You have been warned. It is about patriotism, so watch your wallet. But, getting back to the second hottest day in Atlanta history, there were some pictures from ” Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library”, that PG wanted to use. Now, using old pictures a second time is less work than posting images for the first time. When PG saw the text that went with these pictures, he decided that patriotism would have to wait until later.
The text was about the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest. (Where “WWW” means “Wretched Writers Welcome”) It is named for the writer who coined “the great unwashed”,”pursuit of the almighty dollar”, “the pen is mightier than the sword”, and “It was a dark and stormy night”. Maybe he has been forgiven. The winner of the 2012 contest has not been announced, but should be soon. As a service to the reader(s), this post has been reformatted from the original.
To paraphrase Ru Paul, the Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is. A function of the english department of San Jose State University, in California, the contest awards “a pittance” to the winner. The idea is to submit the opening sentence to a horrible novel, and give the winner to the worst of the worst, the scum of the the skimmer, the Milhous of the Nixon. Email entries are accepted, preferably in Arial 12.
The award is named for Edward_Bulwer-Lytton . Mr. B-L was the model for Monty Python’s English Upper Class Twit. The opening words of his novel “Paul Clifford” are “It was a dark and stormy night”. Entrants in the contest are discouraged from saying ” It was a stark and dorky night”.
As a public service, chamblee54 has reviewed all of the entries on the web page, and selected a handful to reproduce below. If you want to see who won this year, go to the bottom of the barrel. HT to Andrew Sullivan . Pictures are from the ” Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library” The beauty queen is Miss Agricultural Ammonia for 1957.
Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, “There goes the most noble among men” — in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur.
When Hru-Kar, the alpha-ranking male of the silver-backed gorilla tribe finished unleashing simian hell on Lt. Cavendish, the once handsome young soldier from Her Majesty’s 47th Regiment resembled nothing so much as a crumpled up piece of khaki-colored construction paper that had been dipped in La Victoria chunky salsa.
She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so.
The band of pre-humans departed the cave in search of solace from the omnipresent dangers found there knowing that it meant survival of their kind, though they probably didn’t understand it intellectually since their brains were so small and undeveloped but fundamentally they understood that they didn’t like big animals that ate them.
The dark, drafty old house was lopsided
and decrepit, leaning in on itself, the way an aging possum carrying a very heavy, overcooked drumstick in his mouth might list to one side if he were also favoring a torn Achilles tendon, assuming possums have them.
The wind whispering through the pine trees and the sun reflecting off the surface of Lake Tahoe like a scattering of diamonds was an idyllic setting, while to the south the same sun struggled to penetrate a sky choked with farm dust and car exhaust over Bakersfield, a town spread over the lower San Joaquin Valley like a brown stain on a wino’s trousers, which is where, unfortunately, this story takes place.
The Zinfandel poured pinkly from the bottle, like a stream of urine seven hours after eating a bowl of borscht.
She purred sensually, oozing allure that was resisted only by his realization as an entomologist that the protein dust on the couch from the filing of her crimson nails was now being devoured by dust mites in a clicking, ferocious, ecstatic frenzy.
Cynthia had washed her hands of Philip McIntyre – not like you wash your hands in a public restroom when everyone is watching you to see if you washed your hands but like washing your hands after you have been working in the garden and there is dirt under your fingernails — dirt like Philip McIntyre.
T’Bleen and Golxxm squelched their way romantically along the slough beach beneath the three Sommodian moons, their eye-stalks occasionally touching, and tenderly belched sweet nothings like, “I don’t think I’ve ever had such a charming evening,” and, “Say, would you like to gnaw that hunk of suppurating tissue off my dorsal appendage—it really itches.”
Wearing his new slacks from L.L. Bean, and entering the pen to feed his three big dogs their usual three cans of dog food, some of which ended up on his new pants, Kevin then left the house to attend a revival screening of ‘Serpico’ with Alpo chinos.
He walked into the bar and bristled when all eyes fell upon him — perhaps because his build was so short and so wide, or maybe it was the odor that lingered about him from so many days and nights spent in the wilds, but it may just have been because no one had ever seen a porcupine in a bar before
His chest glistened like a pumpkin seed, either one fresh out of the pumpkin but with all the orange strands of pumpkin flesh removed, or one straight out of the oven after being coated in just the right amount of oil and then baked; the point is that it was smooth, fairly shiny, and that color.
Living next door to the Lesters for nearly twelve years now, Mrs. Nestor, fully aware of her husband’s fondness for pulchritudinous posteriors, was unable to deter Chester Nestor’s constant quest for Mr. Lester’s sister Hester’s monster keister.
And the winner is… For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss–a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.

























































































































































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