Chamblee54

These visits to alternative reality are from a variety of sources. Included are Facebook (fb), twitter (tw), Futility Closet (fucl) , All Aphorisms, All The Time (Aph) , Texts From Last Night (tln) , and Overheard in New York (ony) . Attempts to maintain a no profanity blog will be suspended for this post. // “The winds of grace blow all the time. All we need to do is set our sails.” – Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa Gospel of Ramakrishn (fb) // How many innocent black man are in prison? How racist is the justice system? I’m supposed to care about a kid who leaked docs? Uh, no (tw) // An admirer once asked Winston Churchill, “Doesn’t it thrill you to know that every time you make a speech the hall is packed to overflowing?” Churchill replied, “It is quite flattering, but whenever I feel this way I always remember that if instead of making a political speech I was being hanged, the crowd would be twice as big.” (fucl) // I’m glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I’ve got my shit together. (tln) // Dude, this is like the 4th time today I’ve had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end. (tln) // We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car (tln) // How did you even find out? Because you came up to me and said “I just fucked in the bathroom.” Oh. (tln) // You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out ‘praise be to the milk gods’ and making people pray to it. (tln) // You should’ve come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year. (tln) // @billmaher you’re a sick and vile person. I sincerely hope that God in his infinite mercy will heal you. #MerryChristmas @TimTebow (tw) // Dear Off Neighbor, I appreciate that you think your dog, tear assing through the neighborhood, won’t bite me. Understand I might believe you if he actually came when you called him. It looks like he does whatever the phuck he wants and if he wants to snack on a black chick he might. Your announcement that you have to go get your husband to get your dog made my uterus clinch a little…. Your dog has more balls than you do. If he tries me, I will try to knock his head off. No hard feelings. Tell your husband what I said. (fb) // One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh. By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. “Why are you stopping darling?” she whispered. He whispered back, “I found the remote!” (fb) // In 1944 a children’s book club sent a volume about penguins to a 10-year-old girl, enclosing a card seeking her opinion. She wrote, “This book gives me more information about penguins than I care to have.” American diplomat Hugh Gibson called it the finest piece of literary criticism he had ever read. (fucl) // There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that “my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.” -Isaac Asimov (fb) // If we really love ourselves, everything in our life works…..Louise Hay (fb) // Looking sharply into this day. Focus on the pathway that brings about the best feelings and skip along towards the dream. ~Gigi Galluzzo (fb) // “Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.” (fb) // What a woman says: “This place is a mess! C’mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you’ll have no clothes to wear, if we don’t do laundry right now!?” What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C’MON blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, RIGHT NOW (fb) // What’s the difference between miracle and shit? Well, shit happens and miracles don’t! (fb) // Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s the opposite:- a woman having large breasts makes men stupid! (fb) // In this sentence, the word and occurs twice, the word eight occurs twice, the word four occurs twice, the word fourteen occurs four times, the word in occurs twice, the word occurs occurs fourteen times, the word sentence occurs twice, the word seven occurs twice, the word the occurs fourteen times, the word this occurs twice, the word times occurs seven times, the word twice occurs eight times, and the word word occurs fourteen times. (fucl) // Alexander Woollcott asked that his ashes be scattered at his alma mater, Hamilton College in Utica, N.Y. Somehow they were misdirected to Colgate University, and they arrived at Hamilton with 67 cents postage due. He once wrote, “Many of us spend half of our time wishing for things we could have if we didn’t spend half our time wishing.” (fucl) // Interviewing Gertrude Stein on his radio program, Bennett Cerf said, “I’m very proud to be your publisher, Miss Stein, but as I’ve always told you, I don’t understand very much of what you’re saying.” She said, “Well, I’ve always told you, Bennett, you’re a very nice boy, but you’re rather stupid.” (fucl) // Two guys are at a bar. One of them looks to the other and says, “I had the best time last night. I had sex with twins!” The other asks, “How could you tell them apart?” “Well, Jessica had long, beautiful, blonde hair, and Alex had a goatee (fb) // the lightskin vs darkskin is the dumbest battle ever, do u cc white ppl saying rednecks vs white asses? (fb) // BRITISH: “ello beautiful, how are you love?” AUSTRALIAN: “g’day mate!” CANADIAN: “eh?” AMERICAN: “aye shawty, whaddup? (fb) // “I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.” G.K. Chesterton (fucl) // Still it takes a certain skill to witter indignantly about television shows she clearly hasn’t seen. (tw) // Do what good you can for those who need it, have tons of fun, enjoy great coffee, appreciate every sunset, ask every question you can, answer to no one but your own conscience. You are the master of your destiny through your words and actions. Repeatedly drop kick anyone who says otherwise. Give not a single fuck. (fb) // This is from when I worked at the help desk at Barnes & Noble: Hi, I’m looking for a book *long pause, blank look* (fb) // Appalled at Twinings’ new “improved” flavour Earl Grey tea. A branding disaster up there with Choco Krispies and the jazzy EastEnders theme. (tw) // I’d like to say that I think great thoughts on my train journeys home. Instead I’m pondering ways to cut out some particularly frizzy hair. (tw) // Reading Werner Herzog’s Fitzcarraldo diaries. Favourite bit so far: “At night the rivers have a fever. Yet onions are lying on the table.” (tw) // Anyone who doesn’t oppose the government in exactly the same way as I do is apolitical, apathetic, and equal to Hitler (tw) // I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot (tln) // You’re in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want. (tln) // Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year… I’d like to synchronize if that’s at all possible. (tln) // My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans? It’s not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it? (tln) // I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again (tln) // I’m eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone. (tln) // Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment. (tln) // “this time has finished me. it’s a long road back and back to where?” ~ Charles Bukowski (tw) // Life is not about what you look like; life is about revealing the Divine in you. The Quakers call it “That of God.” Christians might say the “Holy Spirit” or “Christ Consciousness.” Perhaps you prefer the term “Buddha Nature” or simply “Light.” Whatever you call this Divine spark, it is in you, and in every other person you encounter – or even think of – in your daily life. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer, straight, pro-equality, anti-justice, Republican, Democrat, black, white, asian, skinny, fit or fat – “That of God” is in them, and you. (fb) //POST SCRIPT: I don’t know if your keeping up with current events, but Buk is dead. So you missed your opportunity to run him down. Guess you’ll have to stick to old ladies. And while I’m wasting my time let me point out that BUK has NEVER made anybody do anything. Blaming him for “encouraging people to be alcoholics” is absurd, and shows your general lack of intelligence. It’s called CHOICES, dude. People should take responsibility for their actions instead of blaming BUK. HELLO! // “Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.” ~ Charles Bukowski (tw) // Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping. (tln) // I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category? (tln) // Sometimes you hit a point where you either change or you begin to self destruct…. (fb) // Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real. (fb) // “Life is like a rainbow. You need both the sun and the rain to make its colors appear.” (fb) // Be thankful that you don’t already have everything you desire, If you did, what would there be to look forward to? Be thankful when you don’t know something For it gives you the opportunity to learn. Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow. Be thankful for your limitation Because they give you opportunities for improvement. Be thankful for each new challenge Because it will build your strength and character. Be thankful for your mistakes They will teach you valuable lessons. Be thankful when you’re tired and weary Because it means you’ve made a difference. It is easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks. GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles and they can become your blessings. (fb) // I work in a spa and I have to wax 8-10 vaginas a day, but it’s okay, cause I make a lot of tips. (ony) // I’m sorry, blue mascara? Are you a harlot or are you just incurably low class? (ony) // Oh my god, whoever invented pizza I want to touch intimately! (ony) // You’re not telling the truth! It says “made from the best stuff on earth” but the best stuff on earth is pizza! And pudding. And ice cream. All desserts and then pizza. And sushi. And mint tea… (ony) // You girls into hip-hop? (tourist girls look indifferent, he turns to pregnant girl) I know she is… She’s six months pregnant! (ony) // So yeah, every time I drive past this cemetery, the call quality on my cell phone drops. (ony) //selah