Chamblee54

These visits to alternative reality are from a variety of sources. Included are Facebook (fb), twitter (tw), Futility Closet (fucl), All Aphorisms, All The Time (Aph), Texts From Last Night (tln) , and Overheard in New York, (ony). I’ve been as consistent as human beings can be,” – Mitt Romney. // “The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson // G-d agrees to grant Hyman a wish, with the condition that whatever he asks for, his brother-in-law will get double. “Okay,” Hyman says, “I wish I were half-dead.” // “Beware, honey, the devil is not one with horns, a pitchfork, a long tail, and eyes afire; the devil is very charming, debonaire, appealing, well-spoken and smooth talking – otherwise no one would ever follow him.” /// This comment has been removed. Comments are moderated and generally will be posted if they are on-topic and not abusive. For more information, please see our Comments FAQ. /// Truth is not beauty. Beauty is a lie. It may be, in fact, the biggest lie of them all. (fb) // I am never writing directions early in the morning while I’m getting intimate with my coffee ever again. (fb) // “The advice I like to give young artists, or really anybody who’ll listen to me, is not to wait around for inspiration. Inspiration is for amateurs; the rest of us just show up and get to work. If you wait around for the clouds to part and a bolt of lightning to strike you in the brain, you are not going to make an awful lot of work. All the best ideas come out of the process; they come out of the work itself.” // Pseudonymous Bosch is the author of the New York Times bestselling Secret Series, and a self-confessed chocoholic with perfect vision. He occasionally wears glasses, but those are just a part of his disguise. Where does he live? That’s for him to know and you to find out . . . or not. // I thought it was pretty cool to catch Herman Cain telling a lie. It would be tougher to catch him telling the truth. // I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us. (tln) //It’s like if you got one of your titties chopped off…think of how much one would miss the other…that’s how I feel when we’re apart. A tit with no twin. (tln) // My interests lies in the realm of romantic talks and poetry and I strongly feel that you can do just that. Speak to me the language of love at my new website and let’s try to set a romantic date there. (fb) // I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex. (tln) // It’s annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me. (tln) // Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard? (tln) //I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER (tln) // The difference between the wrong word and the right word is the difference between oceans and continence. (Aph) /// Aphorism (definition): Philosophy and mirth on their way to a funeral. (Aph) /// A popular definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. Voting, for example. (Aph) /// The true measure of a man’s mind seldom exceeds six inches. (Aph) /// A good aphorism is like the membrane over a snake’s eye: a thin curtain before a striking truth. (Aph) /// If you’re lazy and you know it……whatever (fb) // “No no no you’ve got it twisted. We’re not spammers, we are strategic partners!” (fb) // I’m writing to ask Archbishop Dolan to excommunicate me. I’m in Manhattan, St. Patrick’s is a five minute cab ride, we can do whatever weirdo ceremony is required right there in the lobby, no problem. I want this Catholic stink off of me. (fb) // Faith isn’t a virtue. It’s just a nice way of saying you’re gullible. (fb) // Tourist: What’s everyone sitting around for? New Yorker: We’re waiting for the aliens to land.Tourist, walking away: New Yorkers are weird. (ony) // The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can’t smell  nasty   things.  Like     puke. // Eager hipster guy: So if we are friends with benefits we can have sex with no strings attached? Jaded hipster girl: Yeah, I guess… Eager hipster guy: Yesssssss! (ony) // Asian teen #1: He failed it. Asian teen #2: Wait, did he fail fail, or Asian fail? Asian teen #1: He fail failed–he got like a sixty five. Asian teen #3: No, that’s an Asian fail. Asian teen #2: Yeah, he still passed. (ony) // “I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.” ~ G K Chesterton (fb) // In 1984, grad student Deborah Linville asked students at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute to rate the perceived sexiness of 250 female names. Sexiest (on a scale of 1 to 7) were Christine (5.08), Candace (4.92), Cheryl (4.91), Melanie (4.91), Dawn (4.83), Heather (4.83), Jennifer (4.83), Marilyn (4.83), Michelle (4.83), and Susan (4.83). Least sexy were Ethel (1.00), Alma (1.08), Zelda (1.16), Florence (1.5), Mildred (1.5), Myrtle (1.5), Silvana (1.5), Edna (1.66), Eurolinda (1.66), and Elvira (1.69). (fucl) /// Thackeray was at a St. Louis dinner, when one waiter said to another: ‘That is the celebrated Mr. Thackeray.’ ‘What’s he done?’ said the other. ‘Blessed if I know,’ was the answer. (fucl) A Native American elder was asked how he handled his own inner struggles about his abilities and achieving his intentions for himself and his people. He replied: “Inside of me there are two dogs. One of the dogs is unhappy, insecure and full of doubt. He is harsh and negative and quick with criticism. The other dog is joyful and confident. He is supportive and inviting to play. The doubtful dog fights the confident dog all the time.” When asked which dog wins, he reflected for a moment and replied, “The one I feed the most.” (fb) // Tourist mom to worried-looking daughter: Are you pleased or unpleased? Tourist daughter: I’m not sure, mom. I’ll have to google it. (ony) // Thug on cell: No! Don’t interrupt me, man. Don’t interrupt me, nigga, I’m trying to tell you how to cook a casserole! (ony) // Early fall is the slowest time for books. Fewer people writing at the end of summer I guess… time for some tea. (tw) //

Empty bottles are helpful. We had an issue with ants when we had half-empty ones on the shelves. (tw) //The problem with the stream of consciousness is hey have you noticed that Petr Čech is slowly turning into Hannibal Lecter? (tw) // Armed robbers in Yola, tortured by police, finally named the twelve men from whom they rented their machine guns. Police, all. (tw) // To cries of “Allahu Akbar!” the Nigerian faithful in Saudi Arabia this weekend gave the Devil the stoning of his life. (tw) // Man, I do not have time for Stigmata today! (tw) // Nothing like color coordinating your Blogger, Twitter, Email, and Desktop backgrounds to make you feel like you have accomplished something. (tw) // Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won’t get mad. (tln) // i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper… please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night. (tln) // Angry gangsta on cell: Man! That dude stole my fucking money! I’ma kill that fucking nigga! (pause) After I go watch True Blood at mom’s. (pause) Yeah, you can come… (ony) // Guy: I can’t believe you! I can’t believe you slept with my boss. Girl: Well, you got the promotion, didn’t you? (ony) //Mixed race girl: I just love 50 cent, I mean, check out that body. He is so hot! Caucasian girl: His body is nice, but I can’t stand those grillz. Why do those people wear grillz anyways? (mixed race girl raises an eyebrow at Caucasian girl) Caucasian girl: I meant rappers! I’m not racist! (ony) // As it turns out, my skankass is competing in the male portion of this somehow tomorrow night. Any supporters (athletic or otherwise) would be appreciated. (fb) // all i am feeling now is just because you have fingers does not mean you must type. (fb) // Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they will notice and be bothered. If they don’t, you know where you stand (fb) //Last night we looked at each other with an expression of “fuck I am so done being normal”, took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras (tln) // I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce (tln) // Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out. (tln) // Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on. (tln) // I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin’s wedding. This is my life. (tln) // I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don’t want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower (tln) // all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked (tln) // yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time…. is there a problem? (tln) // Headline I’d like to see: 16-foot python devours Kim Kardashian in Florida (tw) // My guys think it’s hilarious to mention my weight. When you can’t beat ’em, you gotta join ’em, right Mr. Tiny Penis? (tw) // Just read “The Three Musketeers,” and it’s true, the book is always better than the candy (tw) // DRUNK HULK READ BOOK ABOUT DEPECHE MODE! WHAT DOWNER! BAND BOOK WEEK IS HORRIBLE IDEA! (tw) // Normally, I hate when I wake up from a sex dream, but man, there was some weird shit going on. (tw) // i found some stuff i would like to post here. it wont let me. can you add me (not sure if its to friend or what ever) or how do i do this? thanks (fb) // You actually thought i would cry over you? I told you I loved you and you thought it was true but guess what player, you get played too! (fb) // To be alive is to be awake. PLINY the Elder 24-79. bce (fb) // Attitude problem = I’ve got the attitude. You’ve got the problem! (fb) // What about the twinkie?” (fb) // If your elderly neighbor asks you to go to a shady part of town late at night to buy her a pie, don’t. (tw) // Going to squeeze and freeze some tofu. It may be the erotic adventure I’ve been dreaming about. (tw) // One of the rudest things you can do is make eye contact with someone eating McDonald’s in their car. (tw) // The best trailer for an awesome action film I want to see this year was actually an ad for “Summer’s Eve Vaginal Cleansing Wash”. wow… (tw) // 20 years ago today, I gave up my dream of having the largest privately owned salt-and-pepper shaker collection in the world (tw) // When I was a child, a lady could insert a whole jar of maraschino cherries in her hoo-ha, and shoot ’em out, one by one. A lost art. (tw) // Vacationing with the family, when I met the eyes of a handsome older man, and wondered, what if? I’d probably be making porn in a meth lab. (tw) // I love reading about idiot helicopter parents, because it makes my halfassed underparenting seem like a bold and principled social statement (tw) // Subway preachers REALLY don’t like it when you follow every one of their sentences with “HAIL SATAN!” They really don’t like it A LOT. (fb) // We have the ability to see life always in a positive light. Example is the glass half full or half empty? Positive answer: glass is always full! Whether with liquid or air is always full of something. Each day is a new glass. How we choose to see it is up to us. The challenge is to enjoy all the things that fill your day. I send you some love to fill a little of your glass. Xoxo (fb) // Shut up Bitch, Your Vagina has been used more then google (fb) // Selah.