Chamblee54

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country /// I mean really it’s like when you’re super hungry and you can’t decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina /// I legit just said “vaginal access denied” then told him his password hint was “tequila shots” /// I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality ///1. If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. 2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. 4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. 6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. ///And nobody even seems to be considering that it could just be a publicity stunt for the new iPhone. /// In the eyes and ears of many people, including the writer of this opinion, a juke box confined to ‘jazz’ records may be a nuisance. It robs the air of sweet silence, it substitutes for the gentle concord of stillness the wailings of the so-called ‘blues singer,’ the whinings of foggy saxophones, the screeching of untuned fiddles, the blasts of head-splitting horns, and the battering of earshattering drums. It makes a mockery of music, it replaces harmony with cacophony, tonality with discord, and peace with annoyance. /// In 1937, Judge Leon R. Yankwich of Los Angeles Federal Court heard a case involving nearly identical patent claims submitted by Luther Wright and Herman Rongg. His decision: “Wright is wrong and Rongg is right.” /// 9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. 14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. 16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. /// All that can be thought can be written. /// First we eat, then we beget; first we read, then we write. /// It happens to us once or twice in a lifetime to be drunk with some book which probably has some extraordinary relative power to intoxicate us and none other; and having exhausted that cup of enchantment we go groping in libraries all our years afterwards in the hope of being in Paradise again. /// Avoid adjectives. Let the noun do the work. /// The blind man doth eat many a fly. /// Man: I hope Santa come down your chimney! Woman: I don’t want him to come down a chimney. I want him to walk through the front door so I can get some fuckin head! –McDonald’s, The Village /// I do like those fuck-me pumps, but they’re terrible for my feet. /// 17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. /// Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. /// This Alzheimer’s Test is a MUST take if you are 40 or older. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks? 1. _ _NDOM, 2. F_ _K, 3. P_N_S, 4 PU_S_ , 5. S_X , 6. BOO_S Answers: 1. RANDOM 2. FORK 3. PANTS 4. PULSE 5. SIX 6. BOOKS You got all 6 wrong….d idn’t you? You do NOT have Alzheimer’ s YOU ARE A PERVERT!!!!!!! /// I probably shouldn’t confess this but when I was 14 and fighting for my life I never thought of suicide; I became obsessed with revenge. /// LETHOLOGICA is the word for the feeling you get when you cannot remember a word. /// We are cups, constantly and quietly being filled. The trick is knowing how to tip ourselves over and let the beautiful stuff out. /// “Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.”–Nietzsche /// three apples changed the world, the one eaten by eve, the one that hit newton, and the one created by steve jobs /// Quick question. What’s the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders? Go back and try to find another to go home with. /// since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops. /// How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to come up with a design for a brand new type of lighting source that requires its own unique proprietary electrical connection to your home, one to create a method to buy proprietary accessories and design elements to improve the bulb’s functions, and one to come up with a name like iGlow that will convince people to spend $399 on a really cool looking light source. /// “If you start to take Vienna, take Vienna.” — Napoleon /// Minus forty Celsius is the same temperature as minus forty Fahrenheit /// No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin. /// Had “I should be in prison or dead” storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless. /// I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend’s penis on my breath while we were talking. /// Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It’s like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket. /// Skyscrapers don’t end till they run out of stories—like tedious people. /// Aphorisms are the echoes of our silences. /// The first rule of writing is not to omit the thing you meant to say. /// Four-year-old girl: Look daddy, I’m going to make a sand castle! Inexplicably angry father: You know that’s not going to work! The sand has to be wet. I thought we went over this already, but you never listen, do you? /// It was fun meeting your parents in my underwear. /// logomach n. one who fights over words /// Dude: I flirted with her really hard, and she was totally into it. Girl, flirtatious: Oh, yeah? Dude: Yeah. Her boyfriend wasn’t too happy though. Girl: Ha! Yeah? Dude: Yeah. And he’s a vampire, but it’s cool. Cause I’m a werewolf. /// Woman in fur coat #1: I’m thinking about downsizing: just one bedroom and one closet, that’s all I need. Woman in fur coat #2: Me too. But the ski clothes, and the golf clubs… they take up so much space! /// It’s taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart. /// Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower. /// The Kardashian’s once again show they are right on trend, and this is on (sic) Mommy’s are all going to want to follow.( Spell check suggestion for Kardashian’s: Guardianship’s)/// This communication is for use by the intended recipient and contains information that may be privileged, confidential or copyrighted under law. If you are not the intended recipient, you are hereby formally notified that any use, copying or distribution of this e-Mail, in whole or in part, is strictly prohibited. Please notify the sender by return e-Mail and delete this e-Mail from your system. Unless explicitly and conspicuously stated in the subject matter of the above e-Mail, this e-Mail does not constitute a contract offer, a contract amendment, or an acceptance of a contract offer. This e-Mail does not constitute consent to the use of sender’s contact information for direct marketing purposes or for transfers of data to third parties. /// selah