Chamblee54

PG woke up on nine ten ten, rumored to be the German cousin of Rin Tin Tin. He cut the computer on, went to facebook, and saw some well meaning friend saying ” If you have lived through something that proves that our G-d is an awesome G-d, press Like! “. This tidbit is featured on a like page with ads from E-Harmony.
This rubbed PG the wrong way, and he began to think of a reply. The third commandment, with it’s caution about using the G word in vain, was an option. Another option was ” If you have lived through something that proves Jesus is an asshole”. That is a rude thing to say about a useful body part.
Breakfast came and went. The internet has people with things to say. PG decided the thing to do was get on his bike and go to the yard sale. There were several boxes of VHS tapes. PG bought “Naked Lunch”, “Monty Python Volume 13”, “Beetlejuice”, and “The Big Lebowski” for two dollars.
All this time, PG was mulling over his post about religion. Between nutcase preachers who want to burn the Koran, bald headed bloggers , and 56 years in America, there is no shortage of material. The trouble is, no one is going to change their opinions because of it, and this will not make PG enjoy his own life more. You should never wrestle with a hog…you will just get dirty, and the hog will enjoy it.
When he got home, PG opened his email, and there was a message with “FW: Fwd: Fw: Southernisms / Northernisms ” in the subject line. When in doubt, recycle a joke email. HT to Uzi for this message. Pictures for this entertainment are from ” The Special Collections and Archives,Georgia State University Library” PG listened to the Allman Brothers while composing this post.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN NORTH AND SOUTH The difference between the North and the South – clearly explained….at last//The North has Bloomingdale’s , the South has Dollar General//The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffle Houses .//The North has dating services, the South has family reunions.//The North has switchblade knives, the South has .45’s//The North has double last names, the South has double first names.//The North has Indy car races, The South has NASCAR races .//The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.//The North has green salads, the South has collard greens .//The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish .// The North has the rust belt, the South has the Bible Belt. //FOR NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH . . ….. In the South : If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.//Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store… Do not buy food at this store. //Remember, ‘Y’all’ is singular, ‘all y’all’ is plural, and ‘all y’all’s’ is plural possessive//Get used to hearing ‘You ain’t from round here, are ya?’//Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.//Don’t be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can’t understand you either.//The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective ‘big’ol,’ truck or ‘big’ol’ boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.//The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper .//Be advised that ‘He needed killin..’ is a valid defense here.//If you hear a Southerner exclaim, ‘Hey, y’all watch this,’ you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he’ll ever say.//If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn’t matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.//Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.//In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.//AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don’t think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we ain’t gonna call ’em biscuits.//Send this to four people that ain’t related to you, and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song ‘fore you know it.//Your kin would get a kick out of it too! // SOUTHERN GALs Southern women know their summer weather report: Humidity, Humidity, Humidity //Southern women know their vacation spots:The beach,The rivuh,The crick//Southern women know everybody’s first name:Honey,Darlin’,Shugah//Southern women know their religions: Baptist, Methodist, Football,//Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Chawl’stn, S’vanah,Foat Wuth, N’awlins , Addlanna //Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:Men in uniform,Men in tuxedos,Rhett Butler//Southern girls know their prime real estate:The Mall,The Country Club, The Beauty Salon//Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins: Having bad hair and nails,Having bad manners,Cooking bad food//More Suthen-ism’s:Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.//Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”// Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”// Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back dreckly. I need sum kobir”//Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.// All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.//Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!// Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right fur piece.” They also know that “jist down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.//Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.//No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.// A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.// Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … and when we’re “in line,”… we talk to everybody!// Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.// In the South, y’all is singular, all y’all is plural.// Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.//Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.//When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’, you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!//Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.//And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her heart”… and go your own way.//To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southerness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your sweet little ol’ heart!// And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff….bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!//Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fahevah !//Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had been! If you’re a Northern transplant, bless your little ol’ heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.// SAVE YER CONFEDERATE MONEY, BOYS…..THE SOUTH’L RISE AGAIN