Chamblee54

Lostmissing is a public art project. It is produced by Mattilda, a San Francisco based author. Here is letter 4.
Our last conversation, or not the last the second-to-last, right? The one when you got so enraged I thought you might hit me but even when I thought that I wanted to think I knew you wouldn’t but the truth is that you got so enraged I thought you might hit me. I started planning out what I would do, there wouldn’t be anything to do I mean I wouldn’t be able to fight you off. Later, when I told you that even though I knew you wouldn’t hit me I still felt that way, I mean I was scared and I was planning out what to do, no I didn’t say that part I just said even though I knew you wouldn’t hit me I still felt that way and you said I would never hit you, I’ve never hit anyone, you know that. And I said I know. Except maybe I don’t know. Last night I had this scary dream, really scary you were about to attack me. Then when I woke up I wondered whether a nightmare was better sleep than no sleep, but then I fell into something much calmer, it was such a relief when you asked me about these posters I said I thought I might never speak to you again and you were listening. When I started thinking about this project, it was a series of letters to you, letters that would be on the outside of the envelope so that even if you were going to throw them out then you might read something. Now I don’t know if I want you to be a part of this project at all, I mean yes I still feel silenced and I want to make you hear me but maybe in this public expression of grief and longing and love you don’t matter and that means more.